Out of sight, out of mind right?

Out of sight, out of mind . . . that’s the truth.

I know with Anchorman . . . we see each other on the weekends . . . that’s been the routine so far, until last Thursday night . . . when he came over and we hung out and drank too many beers . . . ending in him leaving in the morning. Then we hung out again Saturday too, so that disrupted the plans . . . the routine. And today . . . we even talked online . . . disrupted what I know and expect. So now what? Cause right now, he is not out of site like usual...and not out of my mind.

I know even with other guys in my life right now, like The Hero, I'm confused . . . I like Anchorman because he makes me feel good. And then I like The Hero because there is something about him that makes me keep holding on. I am not sure what I am holding onto though, I don’t want to hold onto something that isn’t mine to keep to begin with. I just don’t know. We were supposed to meet this week, The Hero and I, but once again he blew me off. And you know, in a lot of ways I understand, if he is in a war zone and comes home to his daughter and friends, why the hell would he want to meet me of all people in his little time he has here? But then why does my heart break off just a little more when he doesn’t even say hi when I IM or email. I took him off my AOL today, and took him off my top ten too, what can I do when I don’t hear from someone . . . I'm not going to do it anymore. If he wants to get in touch, it’s up to him I guess.

Out of site out of mind right?

Christmas is Love

Christmas is about love. Love of good friends and family. Love of two people in love. Love for your parents and your children.

I felt love this Christmas. I felt it and saw it when I looked at my mom and dad, even saw it in there eyes when they looked at each other while passing something across the table, love that is more of the past then of the future.

My brother and his fiance are cute. They make me want to find love like theres, find someone who can truly be my best friend and not someone I hate to love. I see them and want that. I want someone whom I can look at from across the room and with one look know what they are thinking. I want to have little touches when I think no one is looking.

I realized that this weekend, I want love. Maybe not today or tomorrow or even next month, but I deserve to find it . . . someday. I know with Anchorman. We are just having fun. I do sometimes want more . . . but what is more really . . . , is it because I’ve been more intimate with him then most? So, it’s more then that then him. See that what confuses me with him. I am not sure what I feel. I just know that I like him and enjoy spending time with him. But long term? He's allergic to animals . . . that’s a bust right there.

Its frustrating though, to come home and talk about my life with my family. Because in talking about life, you end up mentioning tidbits of this and that, including little anchorman things. Which brings in the questions and "who’s he, and what do you mean? And come on now." Its frustrating, cause there is no future right now with him, there is the just here and now. I'm fine with that and so is he . . . but what about when I watch a movie and see someone that says something he says? Or what about when I see someone walking like he does. What then?

Anyways, I want to find love . . . and not think I'm in love, just because I want the idea of love, or that I'm in love with love.

Is he The General?

I never really admitted how The General and I met. One day, I was bored at work... not a good sign I know. But, sometimes I post these little ads on CL saying I’m bored, lets chat. What harm is there in chatting a little? Its not like I HAVE to meet someone I talk to, the majority end up being deleted after a few days…some become real friends…even if we never meet…its nice to have someone hear my problems… and give advice to something they know nothing about.

One day, I posted this “Bored” ad and got tons of responses, as per usual. It’s all in weeding which ones are appropriate to IM with while during a workday. Well I started talking to this one guy, not sure what was said here and there, but finally there was the usual request for a photo to be exchanged. So, after some persuasion, I send along mine and get one back in return. He was normal enough…if not a little collegy for me. BUT, then he proceeds to tell me that “he’s trying to decide.” “Decide what?” I ask. “If you are attractive or not.” Ok wow that makes me a little upset. I said, “You know what, why don’t we end this now, since I don’t need insults to make my day even worse.” “What do you mean? I’m not insulting you; I’m just stating a fact. And your teeth, they do look a little small.” “Ok, enough, I don’t need this, goodbye.” “WAIT!!! Hold on, I’d fuck you, I just wouldn’t date you. Your fuckable though.” And then I say, “Ok, nope not interested, goodbye.” The exchange goes on a little longer with him throwing insults because I turned him down, and blah blah blah.

About 15 min later, after blocking him off my IM, I get this random IM from The General. This was my first contact with him, never had talked to him before. He says that some guy emailed him my pic and that he thought I was really really cute, that maybe we should talk. It was weird and I was really taken aback by the whole exchange, I mean who would emails my pic to someone else? I don’t know I was sketched out by it and was a little cold to The General in the beginning, due to this reason… which I know is understandable. And you know the rest of the story about The General up to this point. He just persisted, until I gave in and decided to meet up.

Well, the other day, after talking to The General and doing something on the computer for him that he kept bugging me to do, I decided that my relationship with him really was nothing…it was farce, and I didn’t need it in my life, it wasn’t doing anything for me. So I ended it, never telling him, like I tried doing the last time, I just pushed block on his name. No more contact, cause I can always delete his emails.

So yesterday, I get this I’m from some name that looked familiar, but wasn’t sure who it was, saying, “Why did you block me?” and my response was: “Who did I block?” and then nothing…

The General always pulled this shit, so I automatically assumed it was him signing on under a different name. Known to happen, right? So, finally after 15 min with no response I did a search in my emails and past ichat conversations, looking for this name. AND, it was the guy that originally wrote to me way back when The General and I started talking the first time, the “small teeth” guy. So, I was like huh, what the hell?

Then my imagination started running through all my talks with The General and how he started talking to me in the first place. Was he this guy to begin with? Who sent a picture of his friend in the beginning so he could look like a good guy who likes bigger women? He told me one time about how he was joking around with some guy online, pretending to be a 14 year old girl. Then how interested he was in my conversation with the original guy, he couldn’t stop laughing when I told him about the conversation.

I really am starting to believe that the two are one and the same…The General.

To busy to think

So this weekend I decided if I didn’t hear from Anchorman, I was moving on. Which obviously I was working on doing anyway... with meeting the CrotchRocket on Friday night, and me working over 60 hours in 6 days doing two jobs.

On Saturday night, I decided to join Yahoo Personals for the second time, something to distract me. I started talking to this one guy on IM--super hot---looked similar to Luke Wilson...with blonder hair. HOTTIE... until the first question after the initial introduction was "How big are your boobs?" Or is this deja vu from the night before with The CrotchRocket, because what the hell is going on here...A part of me was tempted...I cant lie about that, I mean he was HOT...but what about after... I would feel like shit and feel like I was used...even though I would have used him just as much I know...So we ended the IMs with, "well we are looking for different things." See there goes my newest theory about CL, that CL=SEX, because this was Yahoo Personals and this guy had an ad which didn’t even talk about sex in the slightest, I mean he works with kids for god sakes...

I am glad I worked so much and had plans with friends in the free time I did have, cause it stopped me from being home, on IM like a loser waiting for either The Hero or Anchorman...just one of them to let me know all is ok. It had been a week from me hearing from The Hero also, so my week was going downhill fast. So the busier I was, the better off I dealt with overthinking about dumb boys.

Sunday night arrived faster then a blink of an eye, and look at that I had an email from.... can u guess which one?

Anchorman had actually emailed...finally...hmm I wonder if he waited around for me this weekend... but I never showed did I... besides the few hours the night before. SO the email reads as follows: "In order for this to work you CAN'T try and make me feel bad when I want to leave. I've even stayed over twice!! But I don't like it when you try and get me to stay." Wow, I had no idea I was doing this, and this is the reason for a no show on Sunday. So, I send an email back explaining myself and said, come and talk to me online when you get a sec. SO no longer then I push send...he appears before my eyes with a little "Hi"

We talked for a little while, me talking about why I found that annoying, and what happened with him... "I freaked, I’m sorry..." that was it. After I stated the fact that he needs to be more open and honest with me... not a week after the fact and being stood up in the process. So we talked it out...and yes he decided to come over to hang out... we worked it all out... and hopefully am moving towards talking about our feelings rather then avoiding the issue all together--which is something I believe he is used to.

I came to work, feeling more confident about life. I hate that about myself though...I hate that a guy can make me feel good or bad... and then I see The Hero...woohoo he’s ok, we are ok. I hate how that too can make or break my day. A guy talking to me over the net, but for some reason when I talk to him I feel better about life...cause he is ok... so I am too.

The Hero and I are supposed to meet when he comes home for leave during the Holidays. I am so hoping this is the case, cause I think him and I could have something real, and its more then a sexual attraction... with him... its something more... but until we meet there is no telling what this emotion is that swirls inside of me when I think of him...

The CrotchRocket

I met The CrotchRocket on Friday night. What does that mean I have no idea... We started talking on IM a few days before, and he really wanted to meet me. I was intrigued and wanting to forget my boys of the past, so I said ok... lets meet after I get out of my retail job.

We meet at the bar around the corner from my apartment... he was nice...didn't drink but did have an O'douls, while I had a Blue Moon. I should have known right off though... that something wasn’t quiet right when we walked in the bar he says... do you want a drink?... cause we could just go for a drive? Hmmm yea, not a good sign... Nope I want a drink... I had just gotten out of a 14 hour day... hell yea I needed a F-N beer.

So we drink and talk... then he asks about 420, which is an ok conversation... but then says "have you ever had sex while you were high?" ok wow, that came out of left and right field. I don’t think in all my dates I have ever had a guy ask me such a personal question 30 minutes after meeting. I was a little taken aback... and we kept on talking... me covering up my shyness in this area.

I’m about a drink away from the end of my beer and he says, "Do you want to go outside, while I smoke." Hmm ok, I can remember asking this the other day during on of our IM sessions, if he smoked--"sometime" he said. Doesn’t look like sometimes to me. We walk outside and he starts walking to his car...a bad move I know to be riding alone in a car with some strange guy. I’m a horrible person, I just know it. But what can I do, but follow him into the car. Want to go for a ride... "We'll just talk."

So we drive a few miles, and we talk then he pulls over to a side street. Yup, I’m 16 again and the guy I’m with wants to go parking...I just knew it. So, we sit there...in front of someone’s home mind you. And then comes the "Can I touch your boob?" Ok so what the hell, I mean I don’t mind...but why? I mean just kiss me and then touch it, don’t ask me. How weird is that. He never even kissed me the whole night...

We drive back to my car soon after this odd exchange, and he proceeds to tell me he only wants sex. He doesn’t want a relationship...he wants sex. SO, I tell him, that’s fine and dandy, but me...I need more. I might not be looking for serious, but I don’t want to be a wham bam thank you mam girl. I deserve better then that and I tell him so. "We should be friends I think" is how the night ended.

This made me laugh...

The Response Ive been waiting for

Ok, So i posted another a ad, just so I could get this guy to email me back...cause Ive ALWAYS deleted his before and I needed to get him to respond again...hahaha and he did. With the pics to go with it...

Interesting post! You wrote:....want to have fun, see where it can go...not looking to be married...

Did you find what you were seeking on Craig's List yet? If not, please call me at your earliest convenience. If we "click" on the phone, could we meet some night at the SKY Restaurant and Lounge in Sudbury on Route 20 for a drink? Would 7:00PM or 11:00PM work for you? I'm 5'7" - blue eyes, divorced, a non-smoker, love my job in Sales as a Director with a hot start-up Internet webconferencing company, have my Master's degree, and my hair and beard are now both silver... the same color as my ol' chariot below.

If you want, you could optionally bring your bathing suit and later relax in my jacuzzi overlooking the Sudbury River which is just a short distance from SKY?

Sincerely,
Kevin

Harvard Date

I went out tonight with that guy. He was nice, didn’t pay... so friends it is. That’s my deciding factor these days, if they don’t pay...then we will be just friends...if they do pay then they want more.

The date went well enough, besides my mind being elsewhere. He was a gentleman, holding doors, and we had a lot to talk about. He was very interesting, learning his culture, even though I skipped drinking because I found out that Muslims do not drink. After dinner, we walked around Harvard Yard, a first for me…it was interesting to see an Ivy league school, be walking where famous leaders have walked before. Over all it was a nice night.

Although, what I do know is that right now I’m caught up on Anchorman and The Hero. What ifs and what happen, verses what could be with the guy sitting across from me eating Mexican? It’s not fair for me to meet anyone else right now, even to just forget someone else. Then I think about the guys I’ve been out with in the past few months, maybe they were trying to forget too.

Its funny how I am not nervous anymore. When I first started dating this summer, my hands would sweat and my heart would be doing the Macarena in my chest. After a date or two, I started having a drink or two to calm my nerves before every date. I even wondered at one point, is the making me an alcoholic? But, tonight I was totally fine. Maybe it is something that does just come with practice, time. Nerves slowly go away. But along with nerves is the excitement of the unknown. Now, I might not be nervous, but I’m not excited either. I feel nothing to be honest, I just kind of numb. Even when I met Anchorman for the first time, he had a nice smile and we talked allot, but at first...yup numb. It was after the first date that I started to really like him.

My own Hero

I am sitting here at 10:30 in the morning, trying to work. I need to come up with a new wine label...and then I stop and think about The Hero. Then I think about my wine label, then The Hero, then the label, then Anchorman. I need to find a way, to stop my head from doing this.

I am in constant need of reassurance. I am not sure why this is. Is it because no one has ever really truly liked ME. And if they have I just didn't know about it.

I IMed the Hero this morning, and he didn't respond. Did he not respond to me? Or not to anyone? Maybe he came online and then walked away... to get a coffee at 5:30 in the AM... or what if its his friend going into his quarters checking on something? What if he just isn't in the mood for my half ass ramblings this early in the morning... or maybe something happened to him and I will never ever know?

I am meeting some new guy tonight for dinner. Not really a date, maybe in his mind it is...but no idea how to know... its bad to think, maybe just maybe he will pay. But, we started talking this weekend. He seems nice enough, he isn't American, he's Turkish and from Cyprus. I keep thinking in my head about The Turkey. But, I will say Im not going to think all guys will be that much of an ass, except for all the guys I've met thus far.

Hmmm. maybe just guys in general are asses? But then I think of the Hero (even though he broke numerous times in the past, but my gut says he might be able to be my Hero.) And I think about the nice guys I know, maybe not the ones I've dated, but just friends of mine. They are great guys, and why can't I find a guy like that? I want someone who will call me, Im me, email me, want ME. No more broken promises or bullshit lines. I just want my own "Hero"

Does he even exsist?

How I feel today

How I feel today...this says it all...

Never Ends

I got stood up by anchorman. Yup... It sucked, and Im sad, mad, pissed, annoyed, frustrated, all the emotions you go through. Not sure if Im hurt because of him or that someone can have such little respect for me that I couldnt even get a bad excuse at least, but yea it happened and true to form, I was sad falling asleep.

But, after a movie to forget about my breaking heart, I came online just to see if I got one little apologie...nope. But The General was there--of course, why am I not surprised. Back in the days when I wanted to talk to him, I couldn't get him to talk to me, and now--I really don't give two shits if we talk or I never hear from him again, he won't leave me alone. So he comes online and keeps talking, me being in a pissy mood, I tell him so...and we actually start talking...really truly talking..the first time in weeks...if ever.

And then proceeds to tell me he is 27. Hahaha not sure...I was like, "ok, so now your 27, when last month you were 24, and the month before 26, and Im suppose to believe you are 27!" "Why lie?"

"Shame? I was embarrassed--Im a loser in school, trust me Im 27!!!"

Hmm, what to believe...he's nuts...

Scared Shitless

I hate being scared. Its so annoying. Once again I am talking about me having a control problem. I don't know what else to say...I hardly ever let myself like a guy because then Im worthless and scared. Why is that? Why do I do that to myself? I wish I was the type of girl who had confidence in herself enough, to be like fuck you... if you don't want me... well someone else will. But then I sit here and wonder, well what if something has come up and he cant get to a phone or cant get to a computer... what then??

I am sitting here waiting for Anchorman to IM me. He's not online, but I have been since 10 sharp hoping, waiting, anything to see his hi. We hung out yesterday, me doing the same thing, until I got in my car for a ride--library, bank, errands that had to be made so it doesn't look like Im waiting for him at every breath. When I get back 2 hours after I had left, he was waiting for me. He came over for a few hours... it was fun... nice to see him... and HE even asked... "so we are going to hang out tomorrow right?" "yea, you want to" "yea, if I can be fit into your busy schedule."

And now here I am sitting here waiting... for him. How is that possible, how am I once again the loser girl... going through in my head all the things I said to him yesterday... over and over... maybe he's spooked again. Maybe he thinks from something I said, that I want something like marriage and babies, instead of fun and smiles. Is that even possible coming from my state of mind... but why isn't he online yet? Where is he? What if he doesn't come on at all today and I wasted a day when I could have gone to visit my cousin and her new house and fiance... but NOoo, Im sitting here waiting by the phone, willing it to ring... please please ring.

Maybe I need a trip to Target, something, to get me out of this house---so Im not waiting on him anymore today. Fuck.. just call will ya.

Stupid Boys

I’ve talked to allot of guys in the last 6 months since I started dating. I would talk to one, he would be all interested and turned on by the idea of me and then see a photo and never talk to me again. Or what about the guy who would talk to me for weeks, and even make plans to meet up, but then the day that we were suppose to meet, he drops off the face of the earth, to never be heard from again. I have no idea where they get the brilliant bright idea to lead people on online, and maybe that does happen over time, once you get used to the idea of online. Online means nothing really, it’s this idea that maybe sounds good, but in reality it is in the end--online--NOT real.

You do start to realize that when talking to them, there personalities might be different then there real life ones, but they still have personalities non the less. And the personality --good or bad--you start to realize who they are--and know what they want and do you really want to meet this person-who ever they are.

I had the one guy that called me Nylon girl, he wanted to meet and message my feet. At first I let him think, maybe we would meet, but then after awhile, I still didn't know anything about him, except that he wanted to meet me and give me a foot massage--even though I hate feet.

Then there is Dave, we met one night online and decided to meet in person the next day, even though I warned him that I was shy. We meet in front of Quizno's around the corner from where he lives, and from the look on his face, I am def. not what he was looking for, and was he what I was looking for? Not really--I think he could have been gay--in the closet...

The first guy I ever met was at a coffee shop, and I was way late--I felt bad for the poor guy honestly, since the meeting was def. not worth the wait. I ended the coffee meeting by saying, "wow look at that, my car's time is up."

Another guy early on, who I was instantly attracted to his pics and our conversations, was a winner. So hot, even my roommate was into him. We talked on the phone a few times, and had allot in common. Our family values were similar enough to keep the conversations going. We decided to meet one night, him meeting me at a bar with friends, as I am sitting at Cherry Tree, time just keeps on moving on, 10-10:30-11-11:30, and no phone call, and a no show...

And then there is the guy that I talked to for a few weeks, on and off IM. We decided to meet at the movies one afternoon (the same afternoon as the turkey). We went to the movies, he was nice enough, ok looking, he was suppose to be 28--my age, but looked 36. Hmm--I still wonder about that. We get into the movie, and he holds out his hand for me to hold. Not to bad, different, but what am I going to do--say no? So we watch Talladega Nights holding hands like we were 13 on a first date. We part ways after a nice hug, and talked a few times after. I was open to dating him again, if only he would ASK me. He would call just to say hi, never asking, he would text me--"hugs!” ":)", "Miss you" after awhile, I just got annoyed with this, it cost me money to get text, fucking call and ask me out if you want to go out!

Luwey was nice enough, just not much driving him. Not sure how we started talking, but somehow we did. We met at the bar by my house, and at dinner--drank a few drinks. Me laughing and trying to make conversation, he was a little dry. Reminded me of a surfer dude, or a Vermont pot head..."you know what I mean man..." We went back to my place after dinner, since we were so close, and he kissed me... we went to my room and made out for a little bit. It was nice; he was nice, just not much up there...or down there. Just kidding...

I’m trying to remember the others I’ve met, both online and off. There have been a few as you have noticed, but it’s the ones that get past my defenses that hurt the most. I have met a few that I wonder if they are married or not, I have no idea why they never insist on meeting face to face. Or the guys that just want friends with benefits...what is the point of that. Isn’t fooling around with a friend make him more then a friend, not sure what that title is, but it definitely means more then friends. Then there are the guys that only want sex, nothing else, even the married ones that say, well hell--at least I'm honest with ya. But what about being honest with your wife? Online dating and meeting is interesting, and its all in the personality and not taking it to seriously… that’s what I have to tell myself whenever someone new breaks another chip off this heart of mine. Because at the end of the day, they are all just stupid boys.

The General just won't stop...

My Conversations with The General:
November 22:
10:10:45 AM The General: My laptop is sooooooooooooooooooooo fast!
10:11:25 AM ME: thought u said goodbye to me
10:14:38 AM ME: ?
10:14:59 AM The General: we can be online friends
10:15:24 AM ME: nope--i dont want someone who is going to get pissed at me half the time, no time for that
10:17:22 AM The General: cya

November 27:
9:40:54 AM The General: hi
9:41:37 AM KT: i got a new car
2:53:11 PM The General: what kinda car
2:55:18 PM KT: jetta
2:55:45 PM The General: color?
2:55:48 PM KT: silver
2:56:01 PM The General: great
2:56:03 PM The General: lets hang out!
2:56:11 PM KT: why cause i have a new car
2:56:34 PM The General: yup
2:56:48 PM KT: yea that should be fun
2:57:45 PM The General: automatic or 5 speed
2:57:58 PM KT: manual 5
3:20:23 PM The General: when can i see it
3:21:00 PM KT: i dont know--i dont have it yet
3:24:06 PM KT: and what r u going to do come over just to see my car?

November 30:
4:13:46 PM The General: When do you wanna hang out?
4:13:56 PM KT: i thought u didnt want to
4:14:07 PM The General: You’ve got a New Jetta!
4:14:17 PM KT: hot and cold
4:14:23 PM The General: lol
4:14:27 PM The General: When do you pick it up?
4:14:40 PM KT: im going to go talk to them tonight i think
4:16:23 PM The General: Do you think Mass College of Liberal Arts is a good school?
4:16:36 PM KT: maybe
4:16:38 PM KT: its ok
4:20:41 PM The General: Have you head of it?
4:21:09 PM KT: ??
4:23:39 PM The General: Hahaha.
4:23:40 PM The General: Holy shit.
4:23:45 PM The General: It’s FOURTH tier.
4:23:55 PM KT: what the fuck r u talking about
4:24:02 PM The General: Shut the fuck up.
4:24:04 PM The General: Don’t be rude.
4:24:11 PM KT: i asked u already
4:24:16 PM KT: what r u talking about right now
4:24:58 PM KT: see, u never, ever---answer me
4:26:08 PM The General: You’re annoying.
4:26:12 PM KT: see
4:26:14 PM KT: now
4:26:16 PM The General: And you have a potty mouth.
4:26:21 PM KT: whos rude
4:27:12 PM KT: aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
4:30:31 PM The General: You’re insane, bitch!
4:32:32 PM KT: ok--do me a favor--either talk to me now--nicely--or dont contact me again---
4:36:19 PM The General: I’ll talk to you later.
4:36:29 PM KT: please don’t bother
4:36:35 PM The General: And I’ll think about being nice.
4:37:02 PM KT: im being serious--dont talk to me if you are being that way--its annoying
4:38:52 PM The General: You watch your mouth and we’ll be okay.
4:39:14 PM KT: i didnt do anything
4:39:22 PM KT: u r the one that started going off
4:39:26 PM KT: and u call me insane
4:40:48 PM The General: Just watch your mouth.
4:40:56 PM KT: im being serious
4:41:13 PM The General: I am too.
4:41:28 PM KT: i dont think we have much to talk about period
4:41:33 PM The General: KT: what the fuck r u talking about <------ that was rude as hell
4:41:42 PM KT: so why do you stiill talk
4:42:06 PM KT: i think we should just stop talking --period
4:42:22 PM The General: Admit that you were wrong and let’s move on.
4:42:43 PM KT: i just dont know if i want to talk about any of this anymore
4:43:20 PM The General: You should be lucky I talk to you.
4:43:24 PM The General: I’m an amazing guy.
4:43:26 PM The General: And hot.
4:43:43 PM KT: what do u want me to say--u insult me half the time
4:44:03 PM KT: i dont feel like talking to someone who is like that to me
4:44:39 PM The General: I’m the hottest guy you know
4:44:52 PM KT: this has nothing to do with looks
4:45:02 PM KT: this has to do with--u treat me like SHIT
4:45:17 PM The General: no i dont
4:45:22 PM KT: yes
4:47:10 PM The General: u gonna start behaving???
4:47:19 PM KT: im being serious
4:47:26 PM KT: why do we talk
4:47:34 PM KT: whats the point

December 1st:
9:14:09 AM The General: Hey.
9:14:15 AM KT: yes
9:14:47 AM The General: Let’s be nice!
9:14:58 AM KT: honestly though--why do we talk?
9:15:09 AM KT: you said we weren’t going to hang out again
9:15:16 AM KT: just be online friends
9:15:24 AM KT: i dont want an online friend
9:15:27 AM KT: see
9:15:57 AM The General: We will be real friends as soon as my schedule frees up.
9:16:13 AM KT: right--but when is that? and u are going away to school
9:16:23 AM KT: i just dont know what the point is
9:17:29 AM KT: i obviously annoy you more then i cheer u up
9:23:57 AM The General: Nah, you’re fine.
9:24:06 AM The General: I need you to Photoshop something for me, though.
9:24:08 AM KT: u insult me
9:24:13 AM KT: no
9:24:19 AM The General: Why not?
9:24:32 AM KT: cause i dont know why--why should I? im busy
9:25:20 AM The General: Please!
9:25:27 AM KT: i cant right now
9:27:10 AM KT: but im honest--why do we keep talking--its a waste of time
9:27:41 AM The General: Fine.
9:27:43 AM The General: Let’s stop.
9:27:52 AM KT: im being honest
9:28:00 AM KT: im not being a bitch
9:28:04 AM KT: i mean why?
9:28:39 AM The General: Just stop being so dramatic and we’ll be fine.
9:32:13 AM The General: ok?
9:32:37 AM KT: i dont know--we will see--its not about being dramatic--as much as its pointless
9:33:05 AM The General: see, this is what makes you annoying
9:33:20 AM The General: you like to flog dead horses!
9:33:32 AM KT: see and this is what im talking about why do we talk?
9:34:30 AM The General: Dude
9:34:45 AM The General: You’ve repeated the same thing 10 times in 5 minutes
9:34:47 AM The General: thats annoying
9:35:36 AM KT: ok--i am going to say it one last time--i dont want to talk anymore--lets just say good luck and good bye---good luck with school ok?
9:38:13 AM KT: bye---hope you are happy--
9:38:14 AM The General: Thanks, good luck with your job

At this point I blocked him from my IM---because as I said tons of times now, what is the point??

So today, I was cleaning up my IM--and decided to unblock him and delete him, since it had been numerous days, I figured I had seen the last of him... or have I. Shit here he is again... same old shit too.

December 6
11:12:20 AM The General: Hi.
11:12:26 AM KT: hi
11:12:38 AM The General: Let’s be nice!
11:13:05 AM KT: lol
11:13:46 AM The General: Whatcha doing?
11:13:53 AM KT: working, im sick
11:14:04 AM The General: Oh no.
11:14:10 AM The General: Did you pick up your Jetta?
11:14:14 AM KT: yes
11:14:39 AM KT: its pretty
11:16:15 AM KT: and so much faster then my last one
11:16:28 AM The General: We gotta hang out soon.
11:16:37 AM KT: we will see
11:16:55 AM The General: Can you do a Photoshoppe for me?
11:16:57 AM The General: Very simple.
11:17:01 AM The General: Just change of color.
11:17:05 AM KT: not right now
11:17:25 AM The General: Let’s go Christmas shopping soon.
11:17:33 AM KT: haha

Is he crazy or am I to keep talking to him?? Is he crazy or just a 24 immature guy?

The Hero or Anchorman?

I did end up meeting up with Anchorman after all on Saturday night. Bad of me I know, 2 dates in one night... and it was not like I planned it like that. But I still woke up Sunday with a smile on my face, whatever that means...

I have been seeing Anchorman now for a few weeks, and yes he's the one Ive talked about a time or two. There is not much to say about him to be honest, except I like him. We are just having fun and not looking towards tomorrow. I think thats pretty normal anyways, isn't? There is no way to know to know what you are feeling until time passes... is it passion and lust, is it more? Will it grow into more? Or fizzle out and be something different later on. Who knows---only god---Im guessing.

But then what about my feelings for The Hero? They are there and they are real, but how can I know what I really feel when we have never met face to face. But I get sad at the thought of never talking to him again. I have no idea what to talk to him about though, since he is living life and death over seas, and here I am telling him about my new car or how Im feeling like shit today. Why the hell would he care?

Why do I care? And what do I care?

G-Man?

I met this guy tonight for the first time. I know I know I told some of you I was breaking from dating, and I am..seriously. BUT< I was bored, and I hadn't heard from Anchorman, and i knew if i sat around all night alone, with no plans on a saturday night I was going to be pissed off... and that leads to no good. So, I got home from work and came on IM--hoping, praying Anchorman would be online, since I had left him an email earlier today telling him I got out at 6, what was he up to... but I haven't heard from him as of yet--go fucking figure...

For the last few weeks, off and on --mostly on the weekends, I talk to this guy. I am not sure what his nickname will be to be honest... I haven't thought about him enough to warrant a name. His IM's name is an idea, but what would it be...G-Man just doesn't sound right, maybe because he wasn't GQ quality. I am so not complaining right now--this is NOT a requirement, its more of an observation.

Well, I was on Im and he appeared before my eyes, so like I said, since its a saturday night, and neither of us were doing anything we decided to do dinner. He chose a place after going on Phantom Gourmet, that was luckily in my town... so not to far for me to drive. DInner was good, a little more low key then I had planned, a more of a walk in dinner type place. You ordered at the counter and sat down to eat. me being me, I decided to order wine to go with my meal--needed some extra something...

DInner was good, talking was interesting, then the lights went out...I guess they were kicking us out. Now what?

Off to across the street to the bar. Cherry Tree it is. We sit down and both of us are rambling at this point, trying to make conversation. He was nice, not sure how or what I feel. But he was nice. The only thing that I couldn't stop looking at were his teeth. Some were missing... what does that mean? He seemed to be from a nice family, and he did go to private Catholic school, so I am not sure what happened here. Its not like.... what do I say? I have no idea...I just couldn't get over the teeth. I know this is a physical thing, and who knows what I will see if we keep going on a few dates, but I couldn't help but wonder what my tongue would feel like inside that mouth, isn't that weird?

Like I said, he was really nice, and paid for my dinner and everything..and my beer at Cherry Tree. He was a gentleman too, didn't answer his phone while on a date (like some other guy I went out with), and he didn't insult the waitress, he was very sweet and nice...just his teeth kept getting in the way...

Finally I was able to end the date... man I need to work tomorrow... Im so sleepy, ok hint is finally hitting home.

We walk to out cars...and he oohs and ahhhs over my new vw jetta... and we go out merry ways...me to my house..him to his parents house....

Who knows what will happen next.

Being 16 at 28

I feel like I am 16... how is that possible that I have such little experience in the opposite sex. I lived my life for something, anything I could control. I could control my career--so I picked the best school for me, and just had friends. Doesn't mean I haven't felt love or that emotion, but I never shared my emotions with anyone, even my closest friends. See I could control it--no one could hurt me this way. So when I started dating this time, I wanted to loose my control. I want to loose this person who over analyses everything. I want to take my hair down and let loose, who the fuck cares... let alone me. So for the last 6 months, I have been living my teenage years to the fullest. Most people at the age of 16 and 17 experience what Im experiencing for the first time at the age of 28.

So I have to tell myself everyday to let myself NOT to over think and over analyze. So today Im back on the train of NOT over thinking. I am going to just let go. So with this guy Im seeing...I like him... but not enough to want to see him every morning when I roll over on my pillow. BUT, I do want reassurance once in awhile that he's thinking about me. But what is that really? What is he thinking? What if I just want him for his body? What does that mean? Is that ok? Its hard for me to separate what I want verses what I feel. Like when you are 17 and for the first time feel love, is it really love? Or is it lust?? Cause all we want is each other and making each other happy, but do we want more?? I have no idea what this emotion is, and how do you know when it is growing into something more? I am so afraid of loosing what control I have, that its hard for me to just let go--because what happens then? I get hurt...thats what could happen--but its not definitely going to happen... but could... right?

So see, Im 28--but really 16 and deciphering what it is that I feel, because one is definitely not the other.

Confused yet? Yea--so am I...

The Kangaroo

The Kangaroo started off very well, as they all do in the beginning. We went out once, had a great sushi dinner, so it was great to find something in common in that respect. I am not sure how attracted we were to each other physically, but we had allot to talk about. Like I said, we had a great dinner, then we were off our own ways. We talked the next day, never saying if we would hang out again, assuming, at the least we could be friends.

I imed him one day, saying so when are we going to hang out again,

"Well, I need to see how my other dates go this weekend, before I know." Fuck that. "Im no pity date, never mind then..." "I didn't mean it like that, I just mean I have some dates lined up, I want to see how they go first..."

So a week later I get the IM, "Hi--how are you?"

We decided because I was bored and he was bored, and he had some 420 that I thought would be fun to do. SO, he came over... nothing wrong with that, we were friends after all... that is what we had decided on.

We go to my room, because my roommate and her boyfriend were eating and cooking dinner. We lie on my bed, cause where else is there to go. And then he kisses me. Hmm, I cant decide what to think, Im not turned off by the kiss, it was rather nice, no heat per-say, but nice enough. We kiss for a little while and then thats all...we lay there... thinking...

The next day, we make plans to hang out Sunday during the day, then later on he asks to hang out saturday night too. SInce I had no set plans, and we got along great, and more 420 would be fun, why not. Friday rolls around, and we talk all day about what fun we will have and blah blah blah. That night after a date, I was waiting for the T at his T station, and decided to call him to talk... make sure all was set for the next night. All was cool, or so I believed.

After work, I call him--since that is the plan. Leave message number 1. Get home. Lie down. Call again-no answer, hang up. Nap for a few hours. Wake. Call again, message number 2. Its 8 by this point, so I say Im going to get food, call me back...

What the hell?? I was getting pissed. I never heard from him... so I made the famous date with The General... Sunday morning I called again, maybe something came up... its not like I was desperate... its not like we were dating... who does that to there friends?? I never heard from him again...

The Hero

It was so nice to talk to The Hero--first time in awhile. I cant decide why that is. Is that because somehow in some way we connected by talking everyday for months on end...or is because Im lonely, he's lonely, and he said he had feelings for me. I don't know, but in the end, I smile and get teary eyed at his first hi in weeks...

Once again, is that dumb?? I don't know, and I don't know what I feel to be honest, cause I obviously care and am sick to my stomach at the idea of someone kissing him, kissing lips I have never even seen in person. How is that possible? How is that possible to have feelings for a computer screen who talks to me?? I have no idea...but its what I feel..and not sure what else I can say.

The Hero and I have been talking for months and have never met. Not sure why, maybe cause he didn't want to enough, then maybe I didn't. We had this connection over the keyboards, that how do you meet someone face to face and have them live up to the potential that is in your mind and heart? I was scared to meet --and so was he.

Maybe god didn't was us to meet, maybe it wasn't the right time or the right place...but what does that mean really? I mean he was not ok this summer, and I was just learning about myself for the first time...like I said maybe we just were not ready, and maybe when he's back--safe and sound-- we will be...but i don't know, what do I say? What do we do? How do I know? I guess there's nothing to say but keep on trucking and being honest...only time will tell.

My own Bachelor

I was watching the Bachelor the other night, I know a horrible shitty show. But it was on...and I was bored...so I watched it. I used to think, how can people do that to people. How is that fair? Those poor women waiting for the guy to decide on them, which one is better for him? How can you make that kind of decision? What if both are, but in different ways? I do believe there is more then one person for us, its the same as best friends. I have best friends for different things. SO why isn't that the case for love?

I have been dating this guy for the last few weeks, I havn't mentioned him at this point, because that may jinx me, so I won't give details. I like him, think about him the way you should when you are dating--or whatever you want to call what we are doing. I can't wait to see him again, smile at him and get that butterfly feeling that arises in the pit of my stomach when I see him smile back at me. I think I have written a few emails to send to him just to see if he wants to hang out this week, cause I don't think I can wait until the weekend. But then, I decide--its to soon... I'll let him be in charge of when we are going to meet--give both of us the space that is needed.

But, I did meet another guy for the movies last night. I had made a fact to point out that I am dating someone, and think friends would be better at this point. But then when we met, I wondered, is that something I am making a mistake on? I mean how do I know friends should be all there is? How do I know that the guy I am dating isn't just using me, even though I have stated that I don't want anything serious either...fun right now..thats all I want and say I want. But what do I want?? What if I miss out on this new "friend" because of this other guy? What if I develop feelings for this person that I told was just friends--and he doesn't feel anywhere close to what I feel? Then I will be 16 or 24 again and liking a friend and not knowing how to tell this person--because we've passed that thin line--I am a friend now and not looked at as something more--and what is more really? Is it a sexual thing? I don't understand how this all works? I hate it all--emotions... what does it all mean?

So see I can understand the Bachelor and how he can be confused... but how can he just pick just one... since you feel differently for both? Until you spend more time with both--how do you know? Initially it is which one do you like more... more physically--more emotionally--which one will treat me better--who am I am I a better person with?

And what if its none of these people? What if its some guy that is overseas right now telling me he has feelings for me...and who I obviously care about very much...so see...what do I do? Or maybe its none of these people, and its all a game. My own game of the Bachelor...who gets the final rose?

How do I let go and just have fun and STOP ALL THIS over-thinking that happens inside my head?

Men are like...

Ok so I HATE FORWARDS, BUT I GOT THIS ONE AND I COULD NOT RESIST.

Men are like....

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ....Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds ..... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like .Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

My guy grid

The Eygptian

I met The Egyptian right after The Turkey and Bug Eyes, and I was very careful with him. I kept telling him, I am just not interested in more then friends right now. I want to go slow. I am not the type of person to jump into something I'm not ready for. Yes we will be friends, don't worry he says, we will be friends. So I was super annoyed with boys in general at this point, so I wanted to slow down and take a deep breath.

He insisted we meet, soon he says. So we decide to meet halfway between his place and mine. I had never been to Legal Sea Foods, so that was a good compromise. I am waiting for him by the front door when he walks toward me. I knew it was him, he was OK enough---hard to explain even know.

We walk to our table, and the waiter comes over and pours the water. He smiles at us, and wow he was hot. LOL. yea--not a good sign that this date was going so good--that I was becoming Karrie on Sex in the City who checks out the waiter while on a date. So the waiter starts talking with my date, they start talking Egyptian, I have no idea what is being said. So I just stare at my waiter, hoping--wishing--he would give me some of those smiles.

As the waiter walks away, The Egyptian puts his hand on mine and says, "I'm so sorry, hes from Egypt and was excited to meet me." It was totally fine, like I said--I got to watch the waiter--so I was just fine.

We ordered out meal, an talked throughout dinner. He was very attentive towards me, but I just didn't want to share myself with him. So I asked him all the questions, just to keep him talking. I found out that he wasn't even divorced yet, hmm I have no idea how the hell I missed that important information before the FIRST DATE. But somehow I missed that on the Yahoo Personals website. SO, he kept talking about all these stories about his ex. This was not good, she was Trash, white trash to be exact. What did that say about him?

As we are walking to the car after my free dinner (thank god), he said lets walk around for a bit. OK, let me tell you, this date was in a MALL--on a Sunday night. Where the hell were we going to walk around to? SO I laugh and say, uhhh no--I need to go home and do laundry. He was like, ok well let me walk you to your car. As we get to my car, he says can I at least get a hug, so I thought sure, this is harmless enough, and I had made my point about being "just friends."

The hug comes, then the scratch of his chin against my neck, then he moves in for a kiss. Not good--I felt like I was suffocating. He had just smoked a cigarette and that's all I could think about, even though he had popped a tictac in before his mouth touched mine. I kept pulling away and he kept pulling me back in. He starts grinding his hips against mine, while rubbing his big hands up my sides, the sides of my breasts. My heart starts racing, not in a good way though, more in a oh my god, how am I going to get out of here way...

I keep pulling away, saying I need to go home, just one more he would say, I felt like---slime? SO I pulled away finally and said, I really really need to go--I jump into my car and he leans in and goes for another one. I kind of do this weird laugh and say, ok I really got to go.

I get driving down the road and call A. She starts talking and asking about the date, and I just start crying, I couldn't stop...I didn't realize how shook up I was until the call. I just wanted to get away--he was just so PUSHY.

I get home, and calmed down and get the call from HIM> I ignored the call and then get the IM. "Whats up, are you ok? You were suppose to call." I said "I cant do this, I'm not ready for this, I just am ready for friends, I need some time to think, I just have issues. Its not you, its me." (I could not believe I was throwing these lines out there--but they were sooo true--and I wanted OUT)

He kept saying, "be honest with me, you are just not that attracted to me, that's the deal," "I was like its not really that (clue in the to the really), its more me--I just cant do this right now, I just need friends, nothing more." "I can be friends, we can go slow, I promise." So I start to soften...and then...

"But you got understand, I find you attractive and I like hugging and kissing, even with my friends."

Ahh yea, no.

Bug Eyes

Bug eyes I decided to email right after The Turkey blew me off. Bug eyes had emailed me a few times, or I had emailed him a time or two during the previous months. I didn't like him that much from his pics. I know thats a bad thing, but he had these eyes that just looked mean. I don't know, the lids were very swollen and they would go over his eyes, I kept thinking he looked so mean. But, after the third or forth time we got in touch with each other, I though maybe that was a sign. We talked on IM for a little bit, then came the "can we talk on the phone?" So I said, "ok that's fine"

We talked on the phone for awhile. We seemed to really connect and understand one another. He had anxiety issues too so we talked on length on that, how we both felt in certain situations. So this was great, and I kept saying, well we may not like each other once we meet..."Nooo, I think we will."

SO we decided to meet on Friday for Ice Cream. It was a nice thing, even though the week before I went there with The Turkey, but I put that out of my mind and smile my winning smile as I saw him walking across the street.

He had the same eyes, and he just kind of looked mean. Is that bad of me to say?? I was really nervous to meet him actually, I still hadn't gotten used to meeting people...and he didn't look to excited. So I get out of my car and walk towards him, we sort of do this awkward smile at each other.

We go inside, and site next to each other at the ice cream bar. NOT across from each other, but next to each other. It was better this way anyway, I didn't have to look at his eyes now. I kept thinking of Seinfeld, wondering if I was a character on the show, what would I say about Bug Eyes.

We made small talk, talking about how good the ice cream was, what the weather was like that week, hmm a sign this was not going so hot.

We end the date 45 min after it began, standing by my car, a slight odd hug, and i went my way. I knew in my gut it didn't go so great, but I kept thinking, well at the worst --we can be friends, if nothing more.

I get home and checked my email and turned on Adium. And there he was, since we lived in the same town, we both got home around the same time. He comes on IM and says hi, I say hi. We then talked about if we clicked or not. That's what I hate about IM sometimes, its so instant. So he says, "well what did you think?" I said, "Lets hang out Sunday, and see--I don't know" he then tells me he isn't attracted to me, am I mad. Well I got kind of pissed because I know i didn't like him that much, but for me so much of it is in the personality as much as the looks, i mean i could get over the eyes--he was nice enough, so yea I was pissed.

SO I tell him that we had 45 min together, how can we tell one way or another. He then gets pissed cause I said he was unattractive too. LOL...I couldn't believe what an ass he became, come on now...Then he proceeds to say, I'm cute, why don't you like me. I laughed and said, I'm cute and u don't like me, so whats the deal here.

"But, you look like Jack Osborne" he says

That set me over the edge. What an asshole...he called me a GUY...so I said this to him. He says, I didn't mean it like that...I just meant..I don't know. Whatever...

"You know, we could have at least been friends."

And that is the story of Bug Eyes. He was deleted seconds after that IM.

What happened after The Turkey Date

After my great date with The Turkey, I thought for sure he was into me. I mean he was so vocal about how much he liked me, to the point of even saying, I wanted to be with you back there. Well, after a strange weekend in Vermont, I called him Sunday night after getting home. He was really weird on the phone, acting cold and impersonal-so not like the charming turkey I had talked to the week before. Hmm, something is not right here--he says, "I need to cancel plans tomorrow night," "why I ask," "Cause its personal" he says. Something was sooo not right. So I hang up, with this sick feeling in my stomach. Nope, not right at all. So I get on IM, and leave him a message, saying are you interested or not, because I don't like games. Well, 8 the next morning, I decided to check to see if he responded, my heart racing I opened my laptop and Adium to see what was written, this is what I found.

"Nope, sorry I'm not interested, nice to know you, bye."

The General

The General happened really fast, we started talking and he was pushing to meet. I kept blowing him off, assuming he wanted a hookup and thats all. I kept saying I don't want that--I want more. He said, so do I!!! Im not that way. He said he was 26, he was asian decent and very attractive. We decided to meet one night after my retail meeting. I was super frustrated though, cause I was def not looking so hot and wasn't feeling up to meeting someone for the first time. But he insisted saying, "I don't want to wait to meet you." We decided that meeting at my house wasn't a bad way to go, since it was a sunday night and nothing was really open, and he doesn't really drink. My roommate was home, so what could technically happen. So I meet him in a public place and we decide that he will follow me to my place. We walk in and he says, are we going to your room, and I laugh and say no. We are going to sit right here and talk and watch TV. So we did just that, until he leans over and kisses me. Not to bad, we head up to my room and kiss and cuddle for awhile, me saying no--time for you to go home now. He looks at me and says, well when can I see you again, I like you. So we decide thursday night might work. As he is leaving my room, he saw my portfolio lying on the ground--he says can I see it. I was really impressed by his reaction to me and my design. He was the first guy that I dated that understood me in that area. Most guys just didn't care enough or understand enough. But he did and that I liked more then anything at all.

Thursday arrives and I get an IM from The General saying, I cant meet tonight I have a midterm. Then the next plans we make, school gets in the way. This goes on and on and on until I start to get pissed and he starts getting annoyed cause I keep asking. I mean I kept thinking about how if a guy was into me--they would make time for me. I didn't want something serious, but I want more then once every few weeks. Every time I click with a guy this happens. I mean what the hell?

In the midst of getting the blow off, Im also getting the "Can i borrow a 100 dollars?" "Will you buy me a Laptop" or "How much Money do you make?" or COme on you have 2 jobs, how can you not let me borrow money" "Want to go to the movies, but you have to pay for both of us." "Can I borrow your car while your in NYC"

Then one night, when I got stood up by The Kangaroo, I was pissed and The General asked to come over. So I said ok, but this isn't a hookup. It was, plain and simple, but I said no once again--Im not that easy. I mean what the fuck have you given me that I should give myself to you? As we are sitting downstairs on the couch, I look at him and say--"How old are you?" He is watching SNL and says, not even paying attention to my face, and says "24". I couldn't believe it. SO 10 min later I asked again, "How old are you?" he says, "24". "You said you were 26!!!" He looks at me a little bewildered and says "well how old are you?" 28!!!" He flips his hand and says, "Oh we are in our 20's who cares??" He then says, well I need to go home and sleep. As he's walking out, he says, "if we were to go out--would you pay??"

I knew while I watched him fade into darkness, I knew that would be the last time I would see him, and I think I was actually fine with it. Over the next few weeks, we've Imed from time to time, with him disappearing and then today, we had talked about me dating this other guy, asking all these personal questions. Then proceeds to ask me if I want to date or fuck him? I mean what kind of question is that. The next question is asking for my full name, which I said no--Im not giving it to you. He then gets pissed and says "you are paranoid, i was trying to get to know you, i don't play games" hahaha I laughed at this. "what is ur problem, i mean how the hell am i suppose to know why u want my name." Then proceeds to say, "dude, ur a very negative and distrustful person, i don't want friends like that." "u know my name--what is your deal, and how r we friends anyway--doesn't friends make time for each other? and I don't know u well enough to trust you--sorry--I mean honestly--do u trust me. ok well bye then--"

And thats the story of The General...

I want to have fun and live in today and now

What is it about guys that meet me and think that i want a serious relationship? I mean is it because Im nice and sweet-hahah yea right. But seriously though. I don't know why guys think I need to be in a relationship. why cant I meet a guy who I like and actually want to be with without being in a serious relationship. I don't want that. I don't want what my friends have--the fighting, the mistrust, the emotions the swirl around with each breath. I just want to kiss and cuddle and then go home, they can stay over if they want once in awhile- but only once in a blue moon. Its like when you are an aunt, I can see my nieces and nephews and have fun with them, but they go home at the end of the day. This is what I want in a guy, I want to have fun, laugh, whatever comes our way, but then go our way until the next time. I have lived my life being something for someone, and Im tired of it. I was the perfect daughter, never drank until college, didn't smoke pot until a year ago. I was always doing things the right way, follow the rules, don't do anything wrong. I hate loosing control--so if I do everything right when I'm suppose to--how can I loose control? I am so scared to have an orgasm with a guy because what happens when he sees me loose control, what if I sound funnier or look different from past girls he's been with. Im tired of following the rules. I think I started dating in the beginning of all this to loose some of the inhibitions I had set up. I want to let loose and just have fun. I don't want to obsess and worry about tomorrow, cause I just don't care. I want to have fun and live in today and now.

Another weirdo

Ok so this guy is another one that responds to every ad: for real or a scam. weirdo:

Hi! there,

I am expecting this mail to be one of the 23 mails that landed up in your mail all of a sudden from craigslist and you decided to open this mail because......I would let you answer that to prove that I am a good listener.

I am not a sugar daddy who fears his mom at home, not a NFL star who recently realized that he started playing football because he liked men, not a movie star who really has to work his balls out (meaning not a porn star), not an investment banker who recently finished the merger beween his two favourite book publishers i.e. Playboy and DC Comics, not a guy who doesnt want to hurt anyone and so turned to chewing plants (tobacco).....and ofcourse, definitely not the guy from your grocery store who is on parole.

To tell you more about myself.....I am a 26yr old and recently moved to Boston in search of greener pastures...a.k.a got a job as a postdoc at Harvard and MIT. I like playing badminton (play at a competitive level) and other racquet sports, travelling, yoga, playing guitar, reiki, learning about artificial medicine, reading history and listening to music (classical rock - favourite albums: each every album of Rainbow, joe satriani, led zeppelin and deep purple and few selected albums including heaven and hell by black sabbath, joshua tree by U2, soundtrack of Matrix 1 and so on).

I am originally from India but the last 3 years of my life were spent in the UK where I got my PhD. I stand 5'6" tall (as the crow flies) and weigh 145lbs (as the needle shows).

My favourite cuisines include Indian (obviously), Italian, Mexican and Sushi. Just wanted to make you sure that I am not color blind..... so my favourite colors include different shades of black and white.

I choose the subject because I had taken a course in probability theory and applications. Thats also where the number 23 comes from (more details will be explained). The number 18 in my id was chosen only because its my birthday and is definitely nothing to do with adult entertainment.

Let me know if my calculations are right...or the very fundamentals of this theory will be proved wrong and I need to inform NASA about this before they send another Mars explorer. Consider this...your reply would save a lot of taxpayer's money (your and my money included).

Good luck and have a good day.

VJ

Dr Jekyl's second date: 6 WEEKS after the first

Dr Jehkyl came into my life around the end of July, and left mid august to come back into the picture around my bday to disappear again and then back again. After being stood up by him a numerous amounts of times, I decide that maybe he has changed at this point. See he's really stressed about his job or so he says--he cant concentrate, he dropped everyone--friends and family alike, so please don't take it personal he says. So me being me, I let him get a way with it. Fine --I will give him not a second chance dumb ass that I am, but a third one as well.. We decide we are going to start over--he starts calling and being very understanding and even calls while Im at work one day just to see if I got his email ok. wow maybe he has changed his tune, maybe he does like me and was just to busy to make time for me before. Im dumb I know. But by this time I was using him in a way too. It wasn't all him using my time, me I was bored too. I wanted to forget what an ass The Turkey was, and ironically Dr Jekyl and the Turkey came into the picture both during the same day. Hmm I must be something or what. Or I'm just that stupid.

SO, I gave him the benefit and used him as much as he was using me. Maybe I wanted to get over my shyness and since him and I sort-of had a history-more so then the other guys Ive met thus far, so why not use him to get over my shyness. So we set another date. He has an interview that day, we talk about what the plan is. He's going to come over and watch a movie--maybe order in some dinner. Then I don't hear from him, so I leave him an email: I honestly don't know why I care, but I do. If you are not interested in me, let me know ok. I dont want to be the bitchy girl that is hounding u, but Im torn. A part of me is like, ok he's not interested--so leave it alone--which I do---but then u call and become a part of my life again. I dont know, i really wanted to hang out tomorrow night, but how do i know whats going on--- I know u r busy with looking for a new job, and i do care and respect that--but be honest with me--dont lead me on---just pick up the phone and call--either way---

SO he calls at 7 the next morning making me feel like I was the bitch for the email. And says yes we r still on for tonight. So, that night he actually calls at 7--saying im going home to shower and then Ill give u a call. Well 2 hours go by, and calls at 9 with the excuses. Here come the excuses. Im tired--lets meet for coffee tomorrow-on me. Fuck that. Ive waited for your ass all night, breaking plans left and right and now u want to cancel on me. Nope, get your ass in the car and come here. Ill just fall asleep he whines. Nope, not good enough, Ill drive that way and we can go out somewhere there. U serious he says, Im like hell yea Im serious, Im ready to go out--its a fucking friday night and I have to work tomorrow, I want to go out. So we meet and the first thing he says to me is: God your a Pain in my ass. I mean what the fuck is that all about. Where the hell is, wow dont you look nice, nope I get god Im sooo fucking tired and u make me get off my lazy ass and go out with you. Lets just say the night didn't get much better cause the whole time he bitched about getting laid off and this and that and nothing nothing was asked about me.

Friends first...see where it can go?

Where are the guys all my friends meet? I want a guy to wine and dine me. Lets go on a few dates, maybe kiss once or twice and like me for me. Help me like them for them. All Ive met are the guys that want to fool around during the first date...im not that kind of girl...i want to have fun, see where it can go...not looking to be married...but am looking for more then being a hook up girl. Are there any guys that want to be Friends first...see where it can go??

How I met The Turkey

I met him off of Yahoo Personals, and I will call him The Turkey. He was very attractive to me. He didn't say anything to me about sex right off the bat, so it was nice. I had learned at this point to ask this question--when was your last date? And when did you kiss someone last? Or how about last time you had sex? I know its strange to ask this, but I learn about these people more this way--I find out what they are looking for--how they treat women. And this guy, this turkey- said last week. I was like what--how--why--he was like it was a friend, it just happened. I was a little turned off to be honest with you. He kept saying there is just something about me, women just fall for me, and we have sex, I cant help it.

He was another one that wanted to talk on the phone, so we exchanged numbers--me blowing him off as I go along--wait cant talk now--busy with laundry, oops nows not a good time, talking to my roommate. Anything to stall the feelings that start once you talk to this person on the phone. We talked for a little while, he had an accent that reminded me of a friend in Atlanta. I couldn't get it out of my head, so I kept picturing the other guy while he talked.

We decided to meet one day for a drink or two. I had a date before ironically -- going to the movies with another guy (Talladega). So after my movies I met The Turkey for the first time. I waited for him on the street corner in the middle of BU. I called and waited forever---I was pissed at this point, not a good beginning.

As Im waiting, a friend called with some HORRIBLE bad news, while Im getting this info he pulls up in a car (while I had assumed he was walking) so while in shock talking to my friend, I hop in the car without a second thought, letting him drive us anywhere. It could have been to anywhere and I wouldn't have noticed. I get off the phone, shaking, sidetracked, saying wow--Im sorry I just got some bad news.

We pulled up to the bar, and I finally got a good look at him. Wow he was much better then his picture and he definitely was not the guy I know from Atlanta. Very cute, maybe a little thin, but a nice smile--with glasses too--I have a weakness for guys with glasses. We walk into the bar, him holding the door for me. We sit down and order a beer. We talked for a long time, and he was funny which for me is a huge turn on. He was very complimentary to me too. Said I was really cute, and I had the most beautiful eyes, I am WAY better then my picture. I was happy. What a great time I was having, even though I was sidetracked with my loss. We kept ordering drinks, him saying maybe Im trying to get you drunk, me-I just laugh--nope not me--Im not that easy I say.

He has plans with a friend (he's not gay--I think he reminded that a few times while we were together). So we get into his car and drive towards mine. Its my birthday the next day, so as we arrive to my car he looks at me and smiles, my heart lurches. He starts moving his lips in this weird smoochy face and says, you want a birthday kiss? I was like ahhh ok. Lets just say its so bad, I don't even want to repeat it. BAD BAD BAD, and we just laugh and get out of my car.

A few hours later, my roommate and her BF and I were going to go get Ice Cream --for my bday. ANd I get a phone call. Its The Turkey again. Saying, I like you and want to spend more time with you. Do you want to come over, I kicked my friend out. I was like uuuhh, no. But you can come with me for ice cream. He was like really--cause I like you and want to spend more time with you. I was so excited--someone wanted to be with me? So he came with us, putting his hand on my leg under the table and being all flirty. We go back to my place and he says--well Im going to go home and I said, noo come in. So we sit on the couch--with the bright lights on the living room shining down on us--I should have turned the other light on--the more toned down light, but I was so nervous. So he leans in and kisses me, it was an ok kiss, but me being nervous--I crack up. Not a good thing--I felt like such an idiot. All he could say was, how can we relax you, lets think of something. But in the end he just went home. Saying, we will see each other monday night--the original plan to hang out.

This guy responds everytime: With different names

How are you? I saw your ad and I thought I would respond. You sound very nice, sweet and sincere. I'm seeking a long-term relationship. There are several reasons why I answered your ad. For one, I'm tired of the bar and club scene. Second, it just seems everyone is in a serious relationship or married. Why is it so hard to meet that special someone? Beats me, lol. I know there's a nice woman out there for me. I believe that fate will bring us together. I'll keep searching until I find her. Maybe, just maybe, today is my lucky day.

Let me tell you about myself. I'm Caucasian, 37, 5-10, 180 pounds and in-shape. I have brown hair and brown eyes. I work out once or twice a week, no big deal. I'm a college graduate and work in the financial industry. I'm romantic, sensitive, caring and nurturing. Race, creed or nationality doesn't play a part with me when I meet someone. It's the inner soul, the connection that two people make when their s hips cross. I love to learn new cultures and where one grew up studied and lived. I find that fascinating. I realize that whomever I am with, they will have a past. A past that I want to learn. That means, whatever she carries from the past to our relationship is mine too. I will be there for her, through thick and thin.

I like love stories, movies, theater, dinning out, ice-skating and roller-blading. I like long walks in quiet subtle places like a quaint park or low key beach area while the sunsets. I'm fan of alternative and rock music. Some country is cool and I do like some rap. I follow the local sports teams (Sox, Celts, Pats and Bruins). I keep up on them through the net, TV or newspaper. Don't worry, I'm not a fanatic, lol. Also, what's nice is cuddling in front of a good DVD or VCR movie. I love all those bookstores with coffee shops in them, such as Barnes and Noble. One of my favorite things to do when I'm stressed or bored is to head over to Starbucks, have a cup of coffee and relax with a good book or newspaper. I can go with the flow. You want to dine out? Want to go skiing? I'm game for anything. How about this? I love going to the mall with someone I'm dating. I love mall shopping and tagging along! I live for my lady's hobbies. If you want to share in my hobbies, fine with me.

What do I seek in a lady? Honesty, friendship, moral and emotional support. I believe that two people have to be able to communicate. It's not about sex, which can go so far. It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. You must be able to have that bond day in and day out. This world moves so fast. I wish people would slow down, take a deep breath and enjoy what simple things this world has to offer. I’d like to meet someone who knows how to care and equally important, knows how to be cared for. I am looking for a woman who wants a beautiful relationship, someone with similar values and interests like me. One who values kindness and trust. A woman who is capable of communicating things that are important to her. Someone who knows what it's like to be an equal partner in the joy of two different people coming together. If you can be in a relationship, where you can forget about everything and gaze into your lover's eyes -- well -- that truly would be something. Love is hard to find. Not too many times in life you fall in love. But when you do -- wow -- it's incredible. Do you agree?

Would you like to meet anytime in the near future? If you like, maybe you can give me your phone number. If not, I do understand. Women nowadays have to be very careful. I would love to call you. Instant messaging and E mailing is great, but the phone is much better. It's up to you. I find that a great place to meet on a first date is Starbucks. Less pressure than a bar. You can sit down and have a pleasant conversation without the loud music pumping or have an obnoxious bartender waiting on you. I find when you meet a person on a first date for a sit down dinner, it's rather intimidating. Why? Because the waiter or waitress thinks you’re a couple. Do you agree with me on that? I guess the bottom line from my end is, I just want to meet a very nice, tender, down-to-earth, sweet woman for a long lasting relationship. And hopefully -- cross my fingers -- to fall in love. I believe in monogamy. I'm a one-woman man. I don't play head games and mean everything I said in this response to you. Thanks for taking time out to read this, I know it was rather long. Please get back to me at your earliest convenience. I'm looking forward in hearing from you. Bye for now.

Sincerely,

~a~

2 Male Adventure

Another response: HAHAHAHA

Yur ad seemed very interesting. We r 2 male roommates in our early 30's and we're looking for a girl who wants to try to take us both on at once. We're both good looking and cool guys. So might u be up for the adventure????

Another Response

This is another response to one of my ads: So funny I couldnt resist sharing.

Hello my name is nathan knowles I am a missionary man and a pastor. I am handome and 27. If you want and are praying to be a preachers wife and you want to marry one... well I hope I am the man I ask you to be... I am looking for my wife for life soul mate and it is that easy.... why, because life sucks living it alone and goes by so slow if not making love to your mate. I think sex and a honeymoon that never ends is like heaven the heaven for us men of God christians... if you want to know more about this read the books It's my turn by billy grahams wife ruth or Intended for pleasure by ed wheat or love for a lifetime by James Dobson, well write me back I live in Saint augustine florida currently where I write at the libary and am homeless. lookiing to pastor a church soon or move in with you like lady and the tramp the film both one and two. I have seen them and so has myonly sister I am the only grandson besides son in my family and all my family have been married fo rlife to the same person sharing the same home and bed for every day and night... pastors.... you know we have been christians and preachers and that is just how it is you must be serious about marriage and want a family if just you and I like adam and eve and in Gensis 2: 4-25. later pastor nathan k.

My Emails to Dr Jekyl the following days after our first date.

On Aug 3:

well I hope all is well with your day. I tried Iming u, u must be in
and out. How was the boss? Interview?

well, if u want to chat or get together, give me a call. your balls
are in you court. :)

On Aug 5th I wrote to my friend D about Dr Jehkyl:
Aug 5,

Well I sent him an email and said basically the balls in your court. And then he called. I found out he is living with his dad, which is fine --but he lied about it in the beginning. Who knows--said he was living with a roomate---weird I know. I guess he didn't want to tell me the truth--because he thought he would look like a loser. Not sure.

Then he called me last night and talked about work for a bit--hes not sure if hes going to be fired or now--long story. Told me his plans on saturday were canceled so maybe he could hang out afterall. So I said, ok so u can do something, then he backtracked and said maybe, depends on what happens with his job. Who know what is going on--seems to be getting more complicated by the day. He came on IM today and I told him not to worry about his meeting with his boss, whatever happens was meant to happen. I told him no to stress. Anyway, I guess the next move is his. What can I say.


On Aug 13th I wrote to him:
hope all is well. havnt talked in little bit, thought i would say hi, make sure u r alive and kicking. doing ok on the job front? Ready for monday? Well have fun if you are still going out tonight.

Ok so basically he drops off at this point.

Cocky Bastard or Asshole?

So I put an ad up: something like this---

The internet thing is weird, I must admit. Its hard for me though to meet people in everyday scenarios. Im not big at hanging out at a bar just to pick someone up, if i do go--Im usually with a group of friends. And what am I going to do, start spending ours at the grocery store, LOL, does that even work.

Well, I know im in the same boat on still being single. My problem is my shyness for one, and for another--I just have been married to my career for just to long. Its time to start seeing the world. I just graduated from a grad school in Atlanta, so for the last 2 years I have been in high intensity life, now I am trying to relax some. See something of the world besides my couch and my Mac Apple laptop. So if you want to help me relax and see the world, let me know. Please though, do ma favor though, I am not looking for a one night stand. SO if you want a new friend, maybe something more, let me know.

FYI: Don't expect the next Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohen. And, I am me and happy to be that way. I love to laugh so, let me know if you would like to talk more.


And this is the email I get from this guy:

Katie,
Good to hear back from you. How is your day going? I
agree with you. Paris is slightly higher on the
skank-o-meter scale. And for a girl Lindsay's age,
come on! Ambition is one thing, but wasting your life
away with partying is another. They could be great
role models to youth, but instead they choose to
indulge themselves. Such a shame really.

I don't do AIM. I've tried to have it on my PC more
than once and it always doesn't work. Weird. I am on
myspace. www.myspace.com/john_paul

I'm 31, SWM, very athletic, college grad, intelligent,
driven, has goals, very artistic, cheerful, fun
loving, and pretty funny too. I'll be getting into
education soon. I do substitute teaching right now.
Education is so rewarding. I plan on teaching art
actually. I consider myself an artist first and
foremost. How about you? photos attached for fun.

Peace,
John


My Response: Funny. I dont hate her--well not as much as Paris. Now she is a skank. And send my pics... Do i look that bad?? Cause this is what he wrote to me now:::

Right, the usual excuses, anger, and insults. "Intense
grad program" huh? You said yourself you have time to
be on your couch. Why not use that same time and do
something about your clearly overweight body THAT NO
MAN IS GOING TO BE VERY ATTRACED TO!!! MEN AREN'T
ATTRACTED TO YOUR BRAIN!!! MEN AREN'T ATTRACTED TO
YOUR PERSONALITY!!! I don't care about your intese
grad program or any other excuse you can muster.

Don't bother posting on craigslist or any personal
site if you want to deny this. I'm never going to
reply to ads without phots ever again. Thanks for this
little exchange. Try finding a gym before you try to
find some guy. Don't waste our time or yours. Oh, and
this "small brain" is in fact a teacher (and no, it's
not phys ed). Don't write me back with more flames or
crap. I'm not going to read it anyhow. Best of luck.


ASSHOLE.

How I met Dr Jekyl

I am going to call this one Dr Jekyl. He was pretty much the first real guy I talked to online that I clicked with and wanted to meet. I am not sure what it was about him that got past my wall that I had set up, but something about him did. This is his response to my ad, so he seemed genuine: Hello, How are you on this Sunday evening? I just read your ad on craigslist an I like what I read so I'm giving this a try I'm 31, Jewish professional from Boston area, I work west of Boston as an Accounting Manager for a brokerage firm. Things I like to do are going out with friends and coworkers, playing golf, Red Sox, movies, traveling, dinning out and shopping, I’m very easy going laid back type of guy. I'm 5''11 brown hair and eyes, clean cut too. I'm looking for someone who is easy going like myself and see where things go from there. Attach is a picture of me holding my nephew. (You couldn't even see his face.)

But at this point in the game, I decided AIM was the way to go--to find out about these people. So we IMed for hours. I should have clued in that when he wanted to know about sex, almost from the first that maybe something was a little bit off. But nope, not me--I guess I have an excuse this was one of the first guys to show an interest in me. But I was hooked, so for the next few nights we talked for hours on the phone. It was great to actually get off the computer and talk to someone real--a real voice. Even though half of his conversations were about sex, I let that go--I was thinking when he said "talk to me" he meant it. He liked ME. I was infatuated. I also didn't clue in that he talked more and more about himself. I mean I know guys like to talk about themselves, so I didn't let it get to me. But after a little while I was like--who the fuck cares about the five other girls you are talking to from Jdate. Or the whacko that did this cause she was sooo in love with you. I mean I should have known and clued in on this being a problem then, but nope--I kept on listening--and listening--and oh yea listening to him go on and on and on. I started to worry about him telling others about me, what if he was going to start telling others about me--this girl who is sooo in love with him, she calls me all the time and cant get enough of me.

He told me he lived with a roommate that traveled allot and loved where he lived and what he did. We made plans to meet on saturday night--lets go on a real date he says. We talked for hours by friday night, so the plan was to meet and get whined and dined. Once again I just laughed when he would say I think you need to just do it. "Lets Getter Done." Saturday arrives and I have heard nothing from him at this point, 12 arrives, 1, 2, 3, by 4 I decided to call him. I know I know not a good beginning. So He says, yea we are still on--Ill call you when I get back from the mall. So at 8--not 5 or 6--more like 8 or 9 he calls and says--yea lets meet, how does 9:30 sound at this bar. Ok this is when Ive decided I guess dinner is out of the picture, and something fun and exciting, but what the hell I get to finally put an image to this voice that is now in my head.

Im a nervous wreck at this point. Shit this was the first guy I had told all these deep dark secrets to, knew all these intimate things about me, what was he going to think?? God--I am not one of those girls that change my outfit 10 times, but I think I changed them a few, too much cleavage, not enough, hmmm to much leg, not enough, ooh I need a new skirt---blah blah blah and so on I went. I talked my friend A at least 10 times freaking out, saying Im nervous, what if he doesn't like me, what if he's ugly--since I haven't seen a real pic of him. I drank a drink to calm my nerves, liquid energy of course.

I am a few minutes late, but walk into the bar and see him--I know its him--only guy it could be looking at me with these beady brown eyes. He's kind of cute, he's him--once we talk I relax, this is the same guy Ive talked to for over 10 hours this week, all will be ok. So we sit have a drink, and he says want to go? I was like ahhh, ok. So we go outside and stand by my car. I had no idea what we were going to do now, because we had only been hanging out maybe an hour at this point. So we stand there, and he starts to talk. Talk and talk and talk. I have no idea what he said, it came in one ear and out the other. All I could think about hmm, what if he kisses me--do I want that--don't I want that, no clue. He talks about how his job sucks, and about what an ass his boss is, and his friend who has the same job as me and on and on and on. FINALLY I must have said something to wrap it up, cause he looks at me and says, can I have a hug. I was like uuuhhh sure. So we hug, my heart is racing thinking--oh my god this is it, he's going to kiss me. But nope, nothing, just a hug. Is this a good thing or a bad thing that he doesn't kiss me or even try to. Hmmmm what to do what to do. So I smile and go to my car and he says, Ill talk to you tomorrow ok?

Is this for real?

Is it for real? I decided that after moving to Boston for the first time, and knowing no one besides my newly aquatinted roommate and her boyfriend (who she met on CL-mind you) and the 4 people I work with--lets see that was a total of 6 people I knew in Boston during March of 2006. SO, I decided to do some ads on CL to meet some new people. After meeting a handful of great ones--I think the only great ones thus far to be honest. I decided lets try CL for dating as well as meeting new friends. Lets just say, it has been an interesting ride. I am not sure when my roller-coaster ride along this city will stop, but lets hope its sooner rather then later. Cause I hate roller coasters.