Mr Jam Time.

I had such a crappy day. I started a new job last Wednesday... and all have been going OK... until today. I am over tired. It all started because I stayed out until midnight on a Sunday night. My plans for the Sunday were... movies with Mr Jam... laundry... chili for the week.

I ended up staying out until midnight... drinking beer... talking. After the movies... he walked me to the t. Well we walked by his T... and I hinted at him going and he said, "I'll walk you to yours." so sweet!!

As we were approaching the T... I said drinks? He said sure. why not? So... we were there for more then 5 hours! It just flowed... and was so easy. It was the first time in a long time that I actually smile thinking about it. I do get that tingle right now writing. It makes me nervous. When we don't talk for one day... I am kind of freaking... doubting it all. Everything we talked about goes out the window. I start thinking and remembering the negative signs rather then the positive ones. I think how I asked him... and I remember him hanging out in the past few months... he is always the last to leave. Maybe he is just like that... and it didn't matter that there was never a quiet moment. I start thinking... did he ask me questions? Or was I the one? I do remember him asking some things... but who initiated the conversations? Dumb... that's what it is. Thinking about those things... if you analyzed every awesome night out... you would start to question things.

I just worry what if he just wants to be friends? I know I will be OK with this... because I enjoy his company. But I def think I want more... I can't explain it. Its just easy.

Can't cross that line.

I have a few crushes... its funny... they keep happening... they are fun and then not so fun. I don't know what to do about a crush... how do I act? and once you admit you have this crush the feelings change... the flutters start and the awkward talk when you see each other. Am I stuttering? Am I sounding like an idiot?

By age 32 I think I have learned how to flirt... but I have to fight my impulse to withdraw... to get nervous and run away... literally. One crush is someone who I see at the dog park... we have tons in common- both designers and both have dogs! Ha... we work a block apart... but what else do we have in common really? I feel weird bringing up music and/or food- isn't that the kind of stuff you talk to someone about when you are "getting to know them talk" rather then someone I meet at the dog park talk... that talk is about our dogs... about politics... about anything but actual real life stuff.

The other one is someone I used to work with... not sure when it developed... it was a slow process... but all of a sudden it was there and now I cant help but IM when I see him online... which seems like more times then not. BUT what is IM really? Its not like I can see his expressions- or can assume one thing when in reality he meant another. What is a hint and what isn't? What is a sign on one side and what is really something totally different on the other?

I am not sure in both cases... what do I do from here. This is more then the hot guy who I see at the gym... these are two guys I talk to and have actual conversations with... could be considered friends with. Soooo... how do I make sure I don't get to know them so well that we fall into "hey, buddy" zone, but at the same time, how can I show I would like to get to know you better and see.... without looking like a desperate needy girl? There is the fine line... and once you cross it, you can not go back.

First date in over a year!

I walked toward him eating an apple. I was caught… he must have seen me eating the apple right? Huh… doesn’t seem to have noticed… but now what do I do with the apple? I decided to try and put it into my pocket. A pocket that was a part of a purple old navy sweatshirt. I looked at my shirt and stopped him with a hand on his arm. Should we go to Lucky's instead? I am not dressed for this place. He had told me earlier that he had to go home to change… get into something more comfortable… doesn’t that mean jeans and a t-shirt. Not a black trench coat and a collared shirt. He smiled and said, “you are fine… come on”…We go inside the bar and its packed…. It’s a Monday night? There was one lone stool, he takes it and asks, “Is this OK?” I am standing there trying to find a way to hide the apple… and there is this shelf under an island bar and I place it into the corner. I didn’t know what else to do? Is that as bad as someone putting gum under a seat?

We had a nice time… him and I. I will call him Mr. NyQuil. He was nice… wanted to liquor me up. It didn’t help that my dinner was two apples. I did drink too much… he did pay. We ended up in my car… it was like I was 16. Fighting with him to not go to far. I just couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. I should… its been forever since I have been on a date let alone anything else. But maybe it was the comment that he was the best I would ever get. Really? Did he mean the way Anchorman had meant it… that he was better then I and he was the best I could have. Or was it because he was so full of himself that he thought he was really all that? I am not sure… but it was a little bit like cold water splashed on my face. I don’t know… I decided to end the night by driving him to South Station… him begging the whole way. He left mad… mad? Really? At age 29? He called before I hit the Pike… asking if I was upset… I said “yea… you?” “Friday?” he asks? I said “yup.” He texted before I was home. IMed me as soon as I checked my email. I was a little uncomfortable… what? Why? He asked me if I wanted him. I said, “do you want me?” He says, “Yes, I want that.” I told him “I want that is NOT I want you.” Of course he then backpedals and says “of course I want you.”

I decided after thinking through the morning that I can’t go through with this. Of course he IMed me when I got in this morning… he wanted to meet up tonight? Or tomorrow? I said, “nope, I can’t go out again until Friday.” After lots of whining about me being busy the ext two nights… but he is busy all weekend? “Oh no, speaking of Friday, I cant do it after all, there is this work thing.” I know he was lying… cause he wanted it his way and only his way. And I am done.

I deleted his phone number and told him on IM I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go through with this… that I wanted something more. And I was so happy I did. I did kind of liked him… but I don’t want another Anchorman.

Am I back?

When I don’t try… nothing happens, I enjoy my life… come and go as I please. The minute I start in again… I wonder why he isn’t IMing when he has been online for 10 minutes… why hasn’t he texted? But why do I care? Its not like I am taken with him… I have never met him… but what if it was me he didn’t like. Does that make any sense? He doesn’t know me anymore then I him… so how can he not like me… let alone like me? And then I get the IM and how can I not smile? It has been over a year...