I'm done!

I have def been trying to go out more... meet new people. It has been fun at times and other times, the drama can be annoying. When you meet people... you know that everyone there is there to meet others as well. As I meet new people, it can be frustrating because I feel like I am back in high school. I guess I feel like I am 30 and been through this before. I am not in the mood to do this all over again 15 years later. I know who I am and what interests me... so why do I feel like this? I guess its the problem I have rather then others. I see people and only expect the best... and not everyone is really doing what they do with best intentions... they are there to have fun... whatever way that may be. As I look around the bars or parties I think about that... and I guess that is what you see in the movies and on TV... people having fun... and if they are bored they figure out a way to have fun... whatever that may entail.

I have had a rough few weeks... work... friends... family. Not much is going right to be honest... and what do I do about it? I could lie in bed with my heated blanket over my head or I could just keep on moving. I went to the mountains this weekend... I sat around with my mom and just had a nice relaxing time. I didn't have to talk to anyone... or see anyone... it was the best place for me to be. I have had time to think... the good and the ugly... which can be good and bad. I came to a lot of conclusions, one is not taking people's BS anymore. I guess its more that the BS is what they do when they want to have fun or the be in power. I let people walk over me...

I have hit a wall though... I can't do it anymore. Has anyone seen the movie "Run, Fat Boy, Run"? Well in the movie they mention hitting a wall when running and your body just stops... you literally feel like you have hit a wall. That is me... I am done being nice to people. Sure, I am not going to be a bitch... more that I am not giving anyone the time of day until they give me the same.

I am amazed that people can do things to hurt other people. If they are being catty and talking about someone behind there back... or if they are lieing to get attention... or maybe they are laughing right in your face and you allow it to happen... over and over again. That is, until my bright red wall that I just hit... with bright white letters that say in all caps STOP!

No more feeling like shit because someone is telling stories about me to anyone who will listen. I am 30 not 13 and want to live my life for what is important... nothing more... nothing less... because who is the most important person in my life? that is right... me... and I am going to live for me and me only...

OK... I am going off on tangents and am not sure what I am trying to say... more that I am standing up straight and am not looking back or down ever again.

30 and loving it!

I never did hear back from Mr Joe... the guy from last Saturday night... he texted me something mid week which didn't make sense, so I texted a huh? He followed with a "sorry, was deleting old texts and must have clicked send." and that was all folks!

Its fine... I wasn't feeling it either way... but he was divorced and had a son... he talked some about her... the ex... and it was interesting... because truth be told... I was his ex! Obviously not literally... but she was a designer too... and she was liked to move around... after a few years she gets restless. That scared me some... not that there was something wrong with her... it was more that maybe I wasn't right for him... Mr Joe that is. I would have reminded him of his ex and that would not be good... for either of us.

I have been thinking about my crush and just single guys in general. When you meet someone off the Internet... you KNOW its a date. You are both looking for the same thing. But when you meet someone through friends or through work... how do you show that you could be interested without being to obvious? I don't want to be desperate and needy... and I don't want to be talked about behind my back. I know it happens... as it happens with friends... but I am interested but I am not desperate. I feel like if someone wants me they can come and get me. But then I wonder when I do this... will he think I am not interested at all? SO what is that fine line? Because I don't want to overwhelm and look like an ass and at the same time if some single guy is shy I don't show enough interest... he may think I'm just not all that into him!

So... just a thought I've had in general these days... I guess because I am trying to not worry about meeting the perfect guy right now... I just want to have fun with it... I am trying to live up to my resolutions and really just enjoy being me and single. 30 and loving it! I guess as it always has... I worry about people thinking I'm to much of a flirt or just worry about people laughing at me... I hate that I care... but somehow I do!

Fun!

Yikes, I do have a slight crush! What the heck... I like it and the feelings... but then at the same time I hate it... I hate not knowing and assuming things... either for or against...

I did meet someone new tonight. We have been emailing and talking on the phone for the last 6 weeks or so. We were suppose to meet a few times... but his power went out and then with the Holidays it just never happened. He was cute... and nice... and smart. He is a dad which is fine... he didn't pay though for the pizza. It wasn't that much and he didn't offer to pick up the tab. I am not sure how I feel about that... but he is a fellow Vermonter and even lived in the town over from me for a few college years. So he was nice... will he call?

I am trying to play it cool this year... and enjoy my slight little crush and have fun going on dates... meeting new people... seeing who is out there. People are right... honestly there is not rush... just have fun... my new motto! for tonight anyway!

Drink

I think I might have had to much to drink... and it was only 2.5! I am such a light weight! I think I might have a slight crush! Yea I think I have more of those then not these days... but... my heart does the pitter patter when I see him or hear about him... I'm dumb and never think he would be all that interested... so instead I smile and think about just having fun... does he know? does he care? I guess who knows!

Since turning 30 I wonder how old people are... hmmm... do I do this since turning 30 or before... yea I think before turning this ripe old age... I wonder how old people are... like my pharmacist... he is HOT!! and he remembers me! This is Target... how can he remember me everytime? Seriously? Hmmm... he sure is a hotty too! I just wonder how old... hmmm...

I am trying really hard to enjoy single life... but I feel old sometimes... tonight I didn't... but usually its the case! Anyway... wanted to give a somewhat of an update... this will have to do if nothing else!

2009 Resolutions

Its 2009! It has been a rough holiday for me emotionally… I have never been bothered much about the Holidays… but this year… every kiss and smile I saw made me more sad then happy. I am happy because everyone around me is that way… just maybe a little envious and a little jealous. It feels like everyone around me is getting engaged, married, or having baby’s…. which is great! Just makes me wonder what will happen if I never get the chance?

I have been thinking a lot lately about moving back to Vermont… I am home sick… wanting the slower pace of life. But I spent the last 10 days… and I worry that I will move home and wake up at 50 with a 75 year old mom, 3 cats and two dogs. I just worry that I wont do more… I have done the career route… and now I am ready for the motherhood and marriage. I feel like Rachel from Friends when she turned 30 or 35… she had a list of when she would be married and have kids… and I have had that as every girl I know has… but mine changes every year… as I get way past the age of no return!

I am not making any decisions… just think about moving home and how that would be… realistically this time… go with my brain and heart rather then on an angry whim.

So… I am just being me… and my 5 resolutions this year are:
1. Be happy!
2. Smile everyday
3. Gym 2-4 times a week
4. Keep losing weight
5. Enjoy being single… learn to live life with no regrets.