Life as we know it...

Well I had my birthday...I survived...with a some battle scars and all. It was a pretty good one...minus being one year older...and one year closer to something greater and better...hopefully.

I was sad and down...though...it was the worst feeling I have had yet...I thought 27 was bad...but 29 beat that hands down. I had a friend tell me that I do this every year...and hell maybe I do...I mean after 21 u look forward to what? reaching old age? I mean after 21 you really looking forward to moments in time rather then birth-dates and years.

You look forward to graduations...and weddings...first kisses and babies...

Its always about something...and I guess I need another something. My brother is getting married in June...so do I look forward to that or dread it...maybe a little bit of both? I am so happy for him...and I love his fiancé...she is the sister I never had...minus my cousin. BUT...he is 3 years younger and so much more ahead of me. In some ways I suppose I am def. still his big sister...but still.

I think about all these things...and the things I want and cant have. The things Im not sure I do want but just tell myself I do. But, I do want life...and to be healthy and keep my mom close to me for ever. BUT then, I get the dreaded email:

MY step mom's tumor in her lungs have grown...and she has a new one in her liver...

So back to reality...but what is that really? Do I take what she is going through as a slap in the face...eliminate all the people who are harmful to me...cause I do have a few...that hurt and bruise more then make me happy. Do I say goodbye once and for all...and live my life to the fullest...

OR does it make me think about life and what it has to offer...cause what do I have to offer? I have some good friends...but some days Im soooo lonely. My mom got me a cat for my birthday...its nice to have her here...waiting for me. BUT...who/what else. I kind of dread the weekends lately...cause what am I going to do? Who will I call? Maybe that summer is kind of over...things will slow down and more people will have time for more gatherings...and football will surely help. I am sad about a room-ate that I thought was a friend who I weekly fight with and who I dread seeing his shake of his head. I just want more from my life...I guess I just need to figure out what that is. I realized that I may be more tired when I worked weekends at Lane Bryant...but I did feel better about myself. I feel like Im pretty and appreciated...I forget what Anchorman said to me...and the shakes of the heads...and the pity from some eyes. I forget that some/most guys wont look twice at me let alone once. I realize I am pretty great...and once again go back to eliminating the evil in my life...the toxic...or is it me? Maybe I just need to learn to deal with people better. Maybe the more I can deal better and brush off what people say...maybe then I can accept who I am.

I am starting to confuse myself...I just know that after my birthday and after Mary...that maybe I need to do something better for my life...say goodbye to the doormat and say hello...say hello to who I really am.

I need to date guys who I like as much as they like me. I like guys most of the time...most of the time meet them for the famous first date...more because they asked...did/do I really want to? Or do I want the attention...so I am def. more selective these days...or am I?

21 not 29

My birthday is coming up...and I was doing great...and felt like normal when a birthday is right around the corner...until last night...and bam it hit me....this is really my last birthday in my 20's. I am trying to talk myself out of feeling old...

I think about where my mom was when she was my age...or my cousin...or some of my friends...and wonder if I am missing out. Missing something...what if I turn my head and miss something to my right?

Last birthday, well tomorrow to the day...I went home from work and went to the movies with one guy and then for drinks with the Turkey. He kissed me and wanted to hang out. I have come a long long ways from one year ago. I was soooo nervous sitting there with him...makes me smile...I couldn't believe he was sitting there with me. I wonder what I would do today? Probably the same thing...but a little less nervous...hopefully.

I have had allot of firsts in this last year...allot of learning and figuring out. I was stumbling like a 16 year old and now Ive hit 21...not 29.

Allot of other things as well...me getting a new job...a friend falling in and out of love...7 engagements...new friends...and old ones I never kept in touch with...all the tears...and smiles...nerves...and confusion. My friends mom passed a year ago tomorrow...which makes me so sad...to think about that...and then to think about My step mom...and what this year has brought to her life. She is doing great right now...with the radiation and chemo...she is almost her self again...minus all the gray hair. BUT will she see me reach 30? God I hope so.SO see...I think about all the negatives and what I don't have in my life...but then I think about her...and my friend who's mom passed...or someone who is 29 who is sick themselves...or who is 29 and trapped in a marriage and a life that cant be turned around.

So...I don't have it to bad...I have lost 30 pounds since moving here...20 since last Dr appointment...I have had all those firsts that last year I was missing out on. I have my friends and family...and my health...which is all much healthier then it was a year ago. So see...maybe what people say about after 30 is right...it will all just fall into place...please tell me its true. Only one more year to go...

Lets see what this next year of mine will bring.

Ok on the Mustache

Ok...with Mr Mustache...it wasn't just the mustache that I didnt enjoy...it was the little things...I mean yea that makes me seem shallow....but it wasnt just that. It was the little way he would put his fist in the air when emphasizing things. Or he just didnt seem to be enjoying himself? I dont know...it just didnt click...I wasnt having that much fun....it was a sign when I wanted to leave after the first drink. Was his Mustache the cause of this? Come on...Im not that shallow...I just used that while describing him. YES...I didnt enjoy it particularly on him...but I would have gotten by it if he made me laugh until me sides hurt. Or if his smile put a flutter deep into my tummy...but none of those things happened...and I do believe it was mutual.

I know honestly not everyone is attracted to the same exact person...our chemisty is mixed...and we find someone attractive where my friend might not and vice versa. So at the end of the day/date...I wasnt into him...was it the personality? some of it sure...was I not attracted? Some of it sure? What do you want me to say? Obviously he was feeling the same things as I...or he would have been in touch...so we move on.

Mr Mustache

I had a date last night...I will call him Mr Mustache....cause this is one of the ones where his picture is so much better then in real life. The ironic thing is he told me on the phone on my call telling him I was running 5 min late...that he was much better in person....hmmmm

So last week I got this email from him:

Read your ad and like what you had to say. Interested in talking if you are looking for someone local and nice to hang out with. About me I am 30, blond hair, blue eyes,medium build, clean cut, and normal. If your interested in sending a picture and maybe meeting for a drink sometime than feel free to drop me a line.

Ok...so not so bad...so I email:

What do u do? where do u live? what r u looking for? i have a pic...here u go...

To then get this back at me:

Thank you for writing back. I work in sales, I live in Brighton, and I'm pretty much looking for someone nice to go out with. Hang out, get a drink, catch a movie, stuff like that. Here is my pic.

So it was def a good start...and we proceeded to talk online some and then he called me friday night...on a whim to see if I wanted to go out...I said not now...maybe tomorrow? So it was a date.

SO...at one point on the IM's...he asks:

Mr Mustache: can I ask you a sexual question
ME: k
Mr Mustache: are you a sexual person, I don't mean slutty
ME: yea i am, just i dont want it to be the only thing
Mr Mustache: of course it's not all about sex, but it is an important componet, sexual chemistry
Mr Mustache: well was just wondering

OK...but then he asks me while talking that I am a very serious person huh...its just I want this to stay normal...why is it I am a prude...or weird because sex isnt something i bring up...shouldnt sex be soemthing that is brought up at least after the first....

Well...I guess this was a first of some kind...a first on getting back in battle...in the sea...the first one in months and months...

BUT, once I met him face to face...the mustache turned me off...ill be honest...does that make me wrong or bad? just grossed me out...or maybe its because he isn't who i want...but do I want him to begin with?

Then it was the little things that turned me off...just wasnt my type...he looked like he was at least if not more the 5 years older then his 31 years of age...I just couldnt get over it...the little mustache...see it was the little things...he was nice...just not for me...god i hope it doesnt take another 30 to get to another guy I like...

BUT then...I get emails...

I get emails like this: BECAUSE who knows why they think this is ok....but here it is:

I take it!

married white male 34 is with one of those skinny minnies. I love a women with curves.

Email me back if you want to get to know each other.

or:

Hi. I do like your list, or dislike it, as case would be. I'm a very attractive, older academic who is looking for someone interesting, which you seem to be. My attachment function is screwing up right now or I'd send you a picture. Get back to me, okay!

and:

I came across your ad on CL and I would love to help
you on your road to discovering your erotic potential.
I am married and I am looking for one, regular lover,
and not just because of risk of disease, but I just
don't have the time or energy for more than one at a
time. I would like to take the time to gently and
patiently help you through your desires. I am 47, 170
lbs., respectful and an all around nice guy.

I hope we get a chance to meet. If your interested,
drop me a line and let me know your location. I am
from the Norwood area.

hmmm what about this: (44...is getting a little old for me)

Hello there, How are you ? I'm William, im 44, 5'8''180# works out regulary, tanned tatoos clean cut. No smoke and drink very little, no drugs aswell. I live in burlington and i am writing you showing you some attention..lol I understand what your typing i see the ads like that all the time
wanting attractive and ect..i accept people as they are, im not perfect but i try hard to always inprove my life. I do work out and try to stayin shape, as we get older its not easy anymore. So i wanted to say i liked your ad and i would like to know more of you ,thats if you might find me interesting aswell, im real not fake, im sincere faithful kingd and loving, all the hart to give to a special lady.

i hope you write, i will send a pic next letter.

How about 46?

I agree with you. Now, a question for you, how about someone that's 46?......and far from being perfect. By the way, hope you aren't " working your ass off".....I'm figuring it's nice.

Take it or leave it!

I posted an ad AGAIN on CL...its better then replying to some...and if I am more careful...what is the harm in doing it? Also I will have more things to write about in here...since its been awhile.

Ok...I read these ads when I am bored...and all the guys say they want someone attractive...BUT...here is the thing what is attractive to u might not be to your neighbor...and vice versa...so come on now...right?

And as for BBW or fit...now what do you consider BBW? honestly...I would like to know...cause I KNOW I am not thin...but Im not huge either more like a size 14-16...I am working my ass off literally to loose...1-2 pounds a week...by both eating healthy and going to the gym. SO...see I am fit...and healthy...

And then you get the so call attractive types...I mean NOT all women are like the Nicole Richie types...but so many women I know who are super thin...are so not healthy...but they are what guys call attractive?

Am I that bad if it something that I am working on and loosing? Wouldnt you rather have someone who is fun and loves to laugh? Someone who is healthy and can drink a pint in a pub rather then pass out at the first sip? Maybe you agree...maybe not...maybe I will hear from you?

Will I or wont I?

Its been a few since I wrote in this...I am just not sure what to write about these days..Im not really seeing anyone...no more then usual...but I haven't been on a date since...god 3-4 months...well I do have a date on here huh...we will have to see.

I am exhaunsted...but here it is 11:20 and I am writing on here. I think I am writing acually to get things out and maybe I will get tired...since I need to be up at 6...to be into work early...

I am happy tonight...which might change by tomorrow...for right now...Im content. I am fine being alone...although yea it can be lonely at times...but I guess I just need to find more friends to do things with...like do brunch with more often...I used to with some friends...but havnt heard about it in a few...but I miss that...I miss having some great friends I can depend on...dont get me wrong...I do have good friends...just sometimes I could use a few more :)

I do think sometimes maybe I need to get on the band wagon again...Im afraid Ill turn into the old me...or maybe I already have...where I am nervous around guys who i could be into...more because I think they r not into me...and if they r...what do I do?

I am just busy and just dont trust anyone online at the moment...I know I should be going out and meeting people...just how do u do that? Bus? I am very standoffish in stores and buses...and as for joining groups...I have been trying to meet more people to hang out with. I just dont have tons of money to do events with meetin.org or bostonlinkup. They are fun...just seems like alot of the events cost something or other...and alot of the time i would love to go...i just dont have the extra funds...

But anyway...I do need to meet real people...cause I while I think the internet is good in some ways...in otheres I cant see it. I just dont trust that they like me...they are just looking for sex...they are not attracted to me (cause lets face it Im no beauty queen). I am not sure what will happen...will I or wont I?