Mr Festive

So I sort of had a date last night…was it a date? I don’t know…we have been talking since October…Mr. Festive and I…I feel bad because I blew him off a time or two…just something always came up and I never knew if he was really into me or not…or just being nice. Cause he always seemed so sweet.

Then I met Anchorman and you know that story…if nothing else…so Mr. Festive and I decided to be friends…me telling him things I haven’t told many people about. I felt comfortable enough with him to give him this very address to read about my dates…and then how do I ever mention him here? Now? He seemed to like me… and would tell me, “You're beautiful” or

Mr. Festive: “I'd ask you out on the spot if I saw you, I couldn't help myself, and I'm usually shy and such.
ME: ur just tipsy
Mr. Festive: no, that's how I've felt since I've met you
Mr. Festive: silly bird
ME: lol ok
Mr. Festive: I'm jealous of all these guys you date, I wish it were me
ME: im sorry--its really only one dumb one (Mr. anchorman) right now---
Mr. Festive: well, one that actually went well
Mr. Festive: it's mostly my fault, should have been more forthcoming
I didn’t really think u cared---going to be honest here
Mr. Festive: I have, I’m shy
ME: me too
Mr. Festive: I really want to meet you
ME: we will then

We did finally meet…after 4 months of talking… because he was leaving for San Francisco a few days later and I really wanted to put a face to the words we typed to each other. He bought me a sushi lunch in early February…nice…and he was so sweet.

We kept in touch while he was in San Fran…me even calling a time or two and Iming a few times a week. And then I get a call from him…I hadn’t heard from him in a few weeks at this point…him being busy and me too. He said he was coming home and we should hang out before he moves to Texas. He is moving there you see to be with his kids.

I am kind of embarrassed to even be writing this to be honest with you…because maybe he will read it…and what do I say really? I have never mentioned him here before…more because he was more of a friend then anything else…but then last night he kissed me. It made me sad a little that he is leaving. Maybe if I had met him in October, or in December when he was insisting on it…but me being so into Anchorman…I just couldn’t juggle more then one guy at a time.

It’s probably a good thing we didn’t meet then…cause then I still would be sitting here writing on this blog as he leaves for Texas early Sunday morning even more confused then I am today. He needs to go and because we are who we are… we will never know what could have been.

I dont know...

I don’t know…
I’m not sure what to write about, since I haven’t met any new people recently. I am actually kind of ready again…I need some kind of distraction. BUT, since I am getting pickier and since no one emails me back off of Match…I am not sure what to do. I have joined a few other sights I have heard about recently…Ok Cupid and PlentyofFish.

I don’t know…
The sights are ok…but I think a lot of them are just about sex…so I am skeptical about whom I am talking to on there now. Its kind of nice on these sights though…because I don’t have to give my IM or email…cause they have IM incorporated into the sight—which is nice. I had some guy Iming me last night…and within minutes he was asking what my Pjs looked like…see now I don’t want to talk to him anymore.

I don’t know…
Like I said…I am kind of ready again…but who do I go out with? How do I attract them? I was talking to a friend about online dating and how most people I have met want sex so fast…and his analogy was that online=sex. I have figured out the craigslist=sex, but I don’t know if I believe that all online is about finding someone to “screw.” Online for me is just a way to meet people. I could go shopping everyday…but does that work? Or I could go read at a bookstore…but I never ever talk to people…and how do you know they are single. At least online they say they are even if they aren’t.

I don’t know…
I am just lonely and bored and it makes me question my life…like what am I doing really?

I don’t know…
I don’t know…
Do you?

So

I changed my profile yet again...and sent out an email or two last night...and see---this is one of the responses...

"Thanks for writing to me, but unfortunately, we're just not a good match. Good luck in your search!

Our Portraits didn't match on:
• Physical Attraction"

New Profile just for anyone who cares and wants to give feedback.

"""I am who I am. What kind of person am I? I am smart, witty, and I enjoy laughing and having fun. I want to further my career but I don’t want my career to engulf my life. Now, who is it, you ask, that goes with such a being? Someone easygoing. Someone genuine. Someone who can enhance my life without being my life. Someone comfortable in their own skin and who is OK with my skin, too.

It’s been a challenge, as it’s made me appreciate having close friends, as it’s not the easiest thing to uproot and make new ones! I don’t want to play it safe, as I would much rather live hard and have fun doing it. I can be shy, but I can also be the loudest one at the party. I can do shots with the best of them…or chill out with a dark beer…or even a stiff drink. I am more of a pub girl verses a club girl. I love going to a new restaurant or trying a Phantom Gourmet favorite.

I love going to the movies…something to loose myself for a few hours…although reading does the same. I don’t mind watching a movie at home...if I have someone to enjoy it with. From Old School to 12 Monkeys to Walk the Line…I can watch any movie once.

I love my friends and family, and I am the most loyal person you will meet and the best friend you can have. Along with that, I value highly my family and friends. Without them, I wouldn’t be where I am, and I am happier and more fortunate for having them.

Ideally, I would like someone who can make me laugh everyday no matter what. A sweet goofball with a soft place in his heart for me. I want someone with whom to do fun things. I want someone who is more passionate about their life as compared to their work, but who can also say they love what they do. And most importantly…. Don’t skip this part, OK? I want someone who will treat me with the respect I deserve and who can and will appreciate all I have to offer. In return, you get the same.

So if that’s you then why haven’t you started emailing me yet? Wink"""

Male Perspective?

I still have gotten very little responses from Match…and yes that temps me to go back to CL…I know I know I am not going to. But damn it…why doesn’t anyone respond to me.

I was talking with a friend tonight…a male perspective. I don’t know why no one wants to talk to me…and as I was saying this I realized that I have become stronger in the last few months. I don’t regret what happened with Anchorman…it just made me stronger. Now, I want to find a guy who is going to treat me with some respect…in the beginning I definitely let guys treat me pretty bad because I didn’t care…they liked me so what the fuck…why not take some of the abuse right?

But now I know that this isn’t ok, cause at the end of the day I still feel like shit…it might have been an ego boost at first…but what about after?

The only thing I took away from the Match conversation was…I have gotten stronger and pickier with my “old age” but I still think a lot of it has to do with my weight. I have taken a look at myself the last few months…both with the dating and working for Lane Bryant…but it made me realizes that I am beautiful. I don’t have to be Paris’s size to be me. I see size 28 women come into the store…that probably could be the most beautiful women I have ever met. Even the ones that are ashamed of who there are…they are beautiful. It’s the clothes you wear…the style…the hair…the attitude…the whole package that makes a person…and when someone is genuine…they are no matter what. The people that shop at LB are amazing and it made me realize that no matter what…I am me. I am always going to have a weight problem…even if I get down to a size 8…when I have kids…the weight will be back.

Its moments like tonight that make me think about all the people I have met that have inspired me to take another look at myself and see me for me. I just wish guys could do the same thing. I just wish I could grab some of these guys and say what the fuck…you are not Brad Pit…come on be real here…what is wrong with me?

I changed my Match profile again…hoping that maybe the last one was just to long…so this time I shortened…maybe it’s less intimidating and more real? Any thoughts?

I am me. I am smart, funny and LOVE to laugh. I want someone who can enhance my life without being my life.

I have been doing the career world, letting me live in five states in just over five years… I want to live life to the fullest and have fun doing it. I’m shy, but can be the loudest one at the party. I can do a shot with the best of them…a beer with great taste…or a strong stiff drink. I am more of a pub girl verses a club girl. I love going to a new restaurant or trying a Phantom Gourmet favorite.

I love going to the movies…something to loose myself for a few hours…although reading does the same. I don’t mind watching a movie at home...if I have someone to enjoy it with. From Old School to 12 Monkeys to Walk the Line…I can watch any movie once. I love my friends and family, and I am the most loyal person you will meet, the best friend you will have.

I would love for someone who can make me laugh everyday no matter what. I want someone to do things with and to have fun with. I want someone who is passionate about life as much as there work. I want someone who will treat me with the respect I deserve and who can appreciate all I have to offer.

Maybe that’s you?

To believe or not to believe

7:38:22 PM ME: hi
7:38:34 PM Mr. Irish: hi
7:38:44 PM ME: what happened?
7:40:32 PM Mr. Irish: ok, so I was there and I went in at 5 past 8 or so and I didn't see anyone that looked anything like you, so I went out to my car and waited a few minutes and then called you, but apparently I'd put in the number wrong, so then I just waited and hoped you'd call and the rest is history
7:40:56 PM ME: that’s weird
7:40:59 PM ME: I was there, waiting outside, from 8-8:20
7:41:45 PM Mr. Irish: outside the front door?
7:41:52 PM ME: yea
7:42:06 PM Mr. Irish: I don't know how the hell I missed you
7:42:23 PM ME: I'm sorry I forgot your number
7:42:35 PM Mr. Irish: this was the john brewers on the Waltham Watertown line right
7:42:39 PM ME: yea yea
7:42:58 PM Mr. Irish: is there more than one door?
7:43:17 PM ME: I don’t think so
7:43:32 PM ME: u still want to meet?
7:44:07 PM Mr. Irish: sure, I feel bad about the mix up
7:47:18 PM ME: me too
7:47:28 PM ME: I thought u stood me up
7:49:03 PM Mr. Irish: yeah, I thought it might look like that, but I looked like an idiot the first time I walked in, looked around and left so I didn't wanna do that again
7:51:16 PM ME: I am sorry I forgot ur number
7:51:29 PM Mr. Irish: XXX-XXX-XXXX
7:52:45 PM ME: maybe we can meet another night
7:53:08 PM ME: u can call me sometime if u want to chat on the phone first
7:56:04 PM Mr. Irish: doesn't matter to me, I won't be able to do anything till Monday or Tuesday though
7:56:41 PM ME: ok
7:56:45 PM ME: maybe Monday
7:56:53 PM ME: what u up to this weekend? Anything fun
7:57:14 PM Mr. Irish: college basketball
8:06:08 PM ME: I can’t believe u showed up
8:06:45 PM Mr. Irish: why
8:08:19 PM ME: cause I thought u didn’t, that’s all
8:10:22 PM Mr. Irish: it was friggin crowded I thought
8:10:36 PM ME: yea it was
8:15:34 PM ME: so when was your last relationship?
8:16:12 PM Mr. Irish: over a year ago
8:20:03 PM ME: no questions for me?
8:20:34 PM Mr. Irish: not really
8:21:11 PM Mr. Irish: you're a girl, that's all I need to know
8:21:44 PM ME: lol ok

SO? I need help here...do I believe him? Is he even that interested? A part of me thinks to just give up and forget this one...it is way to much work...but maybe he will be better face to face? I dont know what to think of him...Give me some comments or email me and let me know...

Boys?

I was asked last night why I call the guys I date “boys?”

BECAUSE…they are boys…and will continue to be that until someone comes along and treats me with a little respect. I know that the guys I have met in the last few months have no reason to be considered a guy---or a man---because at the end of the day…they treat me like a boy…I feel like I am in grade school getting chased by boys and getting my hair pulled until tears come to my eyes.

I just thought it would be something to mention…about how I feel about the guys I date. They all have nicknames…because then I don’t get attached. They are all boys until they prove to me otherwise. Stupid Boys at that.

I haven’t really felt like dating or meeting guys in general much in the last few weeks. After I realized Anchorman and I were doomed I started dating again…but couldn’t stop comparing everyone I meet with him. So I thought if I took a breather or just talked to some guys off of Match…like the guy last night and meet only one a month…that’s a break right?

I don’t know what I am doing…

Stood Up

I got stood up tonight…it was a whim meeting, which I wasn’t, all that excited about but thought it might be fun…hey something to do right?

I have not looked on CL in awhile…but have been doing Match here and there. I have talked to this one guy off and on the last few weeks or so. He isn’t much of a talker so I thought maybe talking face to face would be easier with him…sometimes it works that way. He has red hair and since we are so close to St Patty's Day, I will call him Mr. Irish.

His profile says:
I'm goofy, witty, and happy-go-lucky, I just like to laugh and have a good time and try and make other people laugh with me. I'm just looking for a girl who's fun to be around and doesn't mind if I'm going to be completely random and incoherent from time to time.

I do love to laugh so I winked at him…

We made plans today to meet at a local pub…I got there and looked around and sat outside until 20 minutes passed…

I honestly think its me telling other people that I got stood up that’s worse then the actual act. I mean I just wasn’t all into it tonight anyway…maybe we should talk on the phone first? I have no idea…but its more the process of walking into my apartment only 30 minutes later and having to tell my roommate why I am back so soon…and see the pity in her eyes. Or calling a friend who wanted to do something earlier that I told I had a date…and listen to him laugh at me. Or telling my best friend how I was stood up for the first time in my life and hear the worry in her voice…and he had my number too…he could have called.

I just checked my email actually and did get one from him. Saying:
I don't know if you showed or not, I tried to call, but I got a wrong number, xxx-xxx-xxxx is what I have in my phone” The number was a 3 not a 6…so he did have the wrong number. But he never said why he never showed…I don’t know what to do at this point in the game. I guess see what is real and what isn’t…if its meant to be that we meet I guess we will. My faiths in “boys” are over though…so I don’t believe anyone these days to begin with, so we shall see.

Its officially over...

SO it’s done...finally over with...and I think I'm mad enough to let it be. I emailed him...

"I cant do this anymore…It bothers me and makes me feel dirty that I know nothing about you…and makes me wonder if u do have a girl friend, fiancé, or wife somewhere waiting. Or maybe you are living at home and are 21 not 26. I don't know and I can't take the not knowing anymore.

I know I was ok with things in the beginning but even FWB are friends…and can I really call you a friend and vice versa? I don't even have your phone number, which you don't want to give me, and made that clear today when I didn't hear from you.

I care more about you then I probably should or thought I would…so I can't do this anymore…cause at the end of the day I want more and I deserve it.

If you change ur mind let me know…or lets just end it and say good luck and it was fun while it lasted."

And then got this in response:

"Yea I know, you're right... good luck... it was wicked fucking HOT and fun while it lasted. But I'm actually under 20, which I gather you realized! But you're awesome and wicked cool and yea... It was great... but yea... it probably should end for good with respect to your below email. You are amazing... and yea... you rock.

We're just in 2 different places. "

So all day I have been freaking...that he was under 20...I went into my head all the talks...all the moments...and it adds up but then it doesn't.

SO, I emailed him asking him what his real age is…and then get this back at 9 tonight…

“It was a joke, I'm 26. Please stop emailing me.”

SO…it’s officially over…and I’m sad and happy about it. I know it wasn’t healthy and I was just going to get hurt in the long run…but I’m sad at what could have been. Will I find a guy who can make me laugh like he can? Or with just a kiss make my knees week…I know this is cliché…but man he does it for me…and I let my guard down with him because of it. I just hope I can find someone who will do what he could and treat me with a little more respect.

I have no idea what to say about what happened and no idea what in the second to last email I got from him is real. I have no idea…and I guess I just don’t care…I do I am lying…but I need to not care…and his last email pissed me off enough to really stop caring…what an ass…

Half baked...

I was driving home tonight…knowing deep down that this whole thing with Anchorman is officially over. I emailed him a few times today because the plan was for him to come over tonight…but I didn’t hear from him…

SO…does he have a girlfriend? I don’t know…and that pisses me off…makes me sad…who the fuck is this guy that I have spent so much time with in the last few months. Its like the fog has lifted, the bubble has popped…. and I want to know who he is…

I need to send him an email…ending it finally…forever…I know this and that was the conclusion I was making tonight/today anyway…if he came over tonight or didn’t…something had to be done.

I drove home in the freezing cold wondering how my night would go…would he call? Show up? Come on IM? Email? Just come over at 7 like his email yesterday said…

And then…I decided to stop and pick up some Ben and Jerry’s…and get Half Baked…in more ways then one. I also stopped at the library and picked up my book club book, which ironically is “Its Called a Breakup Because Its Broken.”

I arrived home…and took a look at the cover…with my pint in one hand and the book in the other…well I forgot to mention racing upstairs to see one last time if maybe just maybe I would get an email or an IM…but nothing. The cover of the book was a picture of an ice cream container…how funny is that as I looked into my own half-baked goodness?

The book did help me tonight…and so did being half-baked.

It’s funny because to a lot of people I didn’t really have much of anything with this guy…this Anchorman…but I did. That’s what’s hard…and I keep going over and over in my head every moment we spent together…but as I was reading this book…it said that this is normal…but think about all the bad stuff to. That you need to move on and move away…no more contact. I know by listening to his excuse that his Heat was Out, made me back slide into another month of nothingness but some good times and laughter. I forget the times that he says…I need my space…or I don’t like talking on the phone…or I need to go…or I am just too tired. Let alone the other things that he didn’t do for me but did for him… which I made, sure happened every single time…

So its over…officially…and I don’t know if I want to talk about it anymore…maybe because I am embarrassed…or ashamed…. or sad…or broken hearted…all I know is that I want to forget it all. Well not forget but move on…

Confused...

I am a little sad today…I am not sure what brought this on…I hate when I have this in my head, in my heart…I cant escape it…when I should be doing work and not over thinking friends…guys…work…life. But I am in that mode today…

I think its boredom, its weird though…cause I have to much going on in my life right now to be bored…but I am…or am I?

In the past few months…when this emotion hit me…this is when I would go on CL and IM people…just to keep my mind off of other things…but since this is something I just cant do anymore, now what am I going to do? It was distracting me from my work… but it also distracted me from my thoughts.

I am still doing Match…but for some reason I don’t get many responses…I am not sure why? Is it because they really haven’t joined but made a profile for free and now are stuck only winking…but then again I don’t get that many winks either. I have come to the conclusion that this is ok…because when someone does that means they like me for what they see and read…and I know this…deep down…but man it is so frustrating on days like today…when I want to scream…what the fuck?

I have been seeing Anchorman again…I know not a good thing…it just kind of never ended in the first place. I am embarrassed that I have allowed it to continue…but it’s a good distraction from the chaos of my life these days. Work, family, and friends have collided into my life all at once…I have a friend moving into my apartment, into Boston tomorrow…my dad is moving to Atlanta today…things at work are interesting to say the least…. and I am just confused…. and for once Anchorman wasnt in my every waking thought…and he is a good distraction when he is.

But, I invited him over to my one last night of an empty apartment before my surrogate brother moves in. The last time we hung out…he had a phone on him…interesting…which I made a comment about saying we cant hang out again until he calls. So in the email I sent him I gave him my number and said he has to call. I then emailed him again asking him what the big deal is.

“I promise not to call you all the time if I have ur number you know...I probably never will...but it would be nice to have once in every blue moon...what r u scared of? Or do you have a girlfriend or wife you are afraid will find out about me?? You make me paranoid.”

And it hit me…what am I doing? I feel gross and ashamed that I have let it go on this long. But what am I to do? I like the way I feel when he is over…I like when I laugh until my sides hurt…we just have so much fun. Its not like he treats me like shit when he is with me…that’s the hard part…. because while he is there…I forget why I get upset and why he makes me sad. Then he leaves…and I feel it all over again. That’s what the problem is at the end of the day…I feel good with him. I guess I just need to realize that maybe my few hours of feeling good are being overridden by the questions I have after.