I heard from The Hero tonight…damn…he knew once again when I needed to hear from him.
And I hate that I still care…
I hate that I started to tear up when he said he got hurt.
I wish I didn’t care…
I wish my heart didn’t pitter-patter at the sound of my fingers typing to him.
I hate my feeling for a person that I have never even met.
I hate this image, this person that comes to my mind whenever we talk.
My heart races as though he is in front of me saying these words.
I am sad that things didn’t work out differently with him.
I am sad that he never met me…cause I could have been great for him…but maybe just maybe we were never meant to meet.
Its sucks…cause every time I see his name…I think of him.
I hear a song that he likes I think of him…
There are so many memories of someone I don’t really know…not really.
Its funny…I could combine the two…Anchorman and The Hero and I might have the perfect man.
The Hero is what Anchorman isn’t and vice versa….
Just kind of ironic isn’t it,
Maybe it’s my problem after all…
Maybe its easier to fall for some of someone rather then all of them…
Less to be hurt from right?
Showing posts with label The Hero. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Hero. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Monday, January 29, 2007
My Mr Mobil Date
I met Mr. Mobil tonight…I have no idea what to feel. It sucks cause all I am thinking right now is… I miss Anchorman, and dumb as it seems The Hero.
Its dumb and weird…since last night I realized I DON’T CARE for Anchorman…not in the way your suppose to care…but I do want him more then Mr. Mobil and I just cant help but compare the two.
We met at a bar about halfway between the two of us. I actually arrived a little early and went inside to find a seat. I had told him earlier today that I'm low on money…and as I waiting…he calls to tell me he is outside, but… he forgot his wallet. No fuckin money. You got to be kidding me…he lives 25-40 min away, no way was he going home now…unless this first date was over before it even began. But I do wonder how you can forget your wallet… maybe he was just so nervous he walked out without it? No idea…only god knows I guess.
So he comes in and comes toward me and gives me a hug…it was sweet. He looked older then 28…maybe it’s the rough life…or maybe I am just older…and 28 looks like 28. He was so nervous. He was kind of shaking and wouldn’t look at me…but then he would and he would smile and say
“Wow, you are so beautiful”
“How can you still be single?”
“You are sooo smart”
“How has no one grabbed you by now, you must be shy, it’s the only thing”
I think he told me I was great at least 10 times. Which is great for my ego…but what do I say? This went on for the next hour and a half…2 - 2.00 bud lights and a small pizza (which could have fed one of us, let alone both). I am so low on money…that it was the only option. I wish we had only one beer to be honest…but when he said yea I’ll have another…what was a girl to do?
It kind of makes me laugh…cause yesterday a friend and I were laughing about a comment I had made during The Harvard date, “He was nice, didn’t pay... so friends it is.” What about this date? Since I’m paying for it all, let alone just mine.
Well, we talked about movies, and some TV, and other things at random…with him at times saying,”This is just what the Dr ordered, me getting out of the house.”
I tried to see if he was interested in going back to school…if it was even in his future…he seemed embarrassed to be where he is…to be Mr. Mobil. But no one can help him but him…you know?
He did say, “if you were my girlfriend, maybe things could happen…maybe things would be better and I could move onto something new.” I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure I want that kind of responsibility. I have such a hard time living day to day for ME, let alone someone else. And when I find someone to build a relationship with…I want someone who is strong enough to deal with himself without needing me to be that safety net for him. Does that make sense?
On my ride home my gas light came on and now, thanks to paying for dinner I have 3 bucks left until thursday. Not a good shape to be in...a little scarry... thank god a friend is going to give me some money. Thanks A...
He has already called me tonight…and came online to make sure I was ok. Interesting…makes me worry some. I told my mom and A that I might see him again, I might give him the benefit of the doubt, that maybe he was just nervous. BUT, at the same time…I don’t want to give him false hope…cause I’m not sure…I’m just not sure. I don’t know, what if he becomes to attached…calls more then he should…and I don’t know. I am just not sure what the next step with Mr. Mobil will be…I guess we shall see.
Its dumb and weird…since last night I realized I DON’T CARE for Anchorman…not in the way your suppose to care…but I do want him more then Mr. Mobil and I just cant help but compare the two.
We met at a bar about halfway between the two of us. I actually arrived a little early and went inside to find a seat. I had told him earlier today that I'm low on money…and as I waiting…he calls to tell me he is outside, but… he forgot his wallet. No fuckin money. You got to be kidding me…he lives 25-40 min away, no way was he going home now…unless this first date was over before it even began. But I do wonder how you can forget your wallet… maybe he was just so nervous he walked out without it? No idea…only god knows I guess.
So he comes in and comes toward me and gives me a hug…it was sweet. He looked older then 28…maybe it’s the rough life…or maybe I am just older…and 28 looks like 28. He was so nervous. He was kind of shaking and wouldn’t look at me…but then he would and he would smile and say
“Wow, you are so beautiful”
“How can you still be single?”
“You are sooo smart”
“How has no one grabbed you by now, you must be shy, it’s the only thing”
I think he told me I was great at least 10 times. Which is great for my ego…but what do I say? This went on for the next hour and a half…2 - 2.00 bud lights and a small pizza (which could have fed one of us, let alone both). I am so low on money…that it was the only option. I wish we had only one beer to be honest…but when he said yea I’ll have another…what was a girl to do?
It kind of makes me laugh…cause yesterday a friend and I were laughing about a comment I had made during The Harvard date, “He was nice, didn’t pay... so friends it is.” What about this date? Since I’m paying for it all, let alone just mine.
Well, we talked about movies, and some TV, and other things at random…with him at times saying,”This is just what the Dr ordered, me getting out of the house.”
I tried to see if he was interested in going back to school…if it was even in his future…he seemed embarrassed to be where he is…to be Mr. Mobil. But no one can help him but him…you know?
He did say, “if you were my girlfriend, maybe things could happen…maybe things would be better and I could move onto something new.” I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure I want that kind of responsibility. I have such a hard time living day to day for ME, let alone someone else. And when I find someone to build a relationship with…I want someone who is strong enough to deal with himself without needing me to be that safety net for him. Does that make sense?
On my ride home my gas light came on and now, thanks to paying for dinner I have 3 bucks left until thursday. Not a good shape to be in...a little scarry... thank god a friend is going to give me some money. Thanks A...
He has already called me tonight…and came online to make sure I was ok. Interesting…makes me worry some. I told my mom and A that I might see him again, I might give him the benefit of the doubt, that maybe he was just nervous. BUT, at the same time…I don’t want to give him false hope…cause I’m not sure…I’m just not sure. I don’t know, what if he becomes to attached…calls more then he should…and I don’t know. I am just not sure what the next step with Mr. Mobil will be…I guess we shall see.
Sunday, January 21, 2007
The end of Surf Boy...and more...
I did a lot of thinking this weekend, and decided I want more out of my relationships. I think I needed Anchorman for what and who he is. He was good for a little, cute, fling…but not sure how much longer we will last. It was a first since November 4th that we didn’t see each other at some point during the weekend. I wonder why? Did he freak like I thought last Monday night? Or was it just because we were too busy and maybe we needed a breather? Or maybe…it’s just coming to an end. How do I feel about that? I honestly don’t know, I’m not sure I care…but will I if we officially say no more?
I told you about Surf Boy, well he fell off the face of the earth after Thursday night. Not sure what happened…god only knows? He’s probably married with 5 kids, who emails while at work for fun and kicks to his balls. Anyway…yea he was over before we even met…like so many others I’ve met along the way.
I started talking to this one guy who said I was “just another insecure fat chick on the internet.” I was a little taken aback, since I was very honest with him, but as he said, “I was lying through my teeth, I said I was petite, only skinny girls are considered petite.”
Then another guy, said “well we can keep talking” meaning he never wants to meet me face to face, but talking is ok.
I was on the verge of tears after an emotional day…maybe I am PMSing? Lets hope I am PMSing…Well in other words, I was an emotional wreck…and I lied down on my bed to take a breather before dinner with a friend. And guess who comes online? Mr. Hero himself. It sucks…cause he without fail comes online whenever I’m down or needing someone. After we stopped talking the first time, I was super upset about Anchorman and hadn’t heard from The Hero in about a month, and as tear are welling in my eyes, The Hero pops in saying hi. This time the same thing. I haven’t heard from him in over a week…and the time when I’m holding myself back from crying…he says “hi”
The tears start rolling…I think I cried for 20 min straight, not a pretty sight by any means…I am just happy he couldn’t hear me or see me.
I cried for The Hero and what could have been had we met at a different time... before this “new girl he is f-ing seeing.” I cried for what isn’t going to happen with Anchorman. I cried for the first hope I’ve had for someone new in months. I cried for the stupid guy that made me feel like shit for more hours then he deserved. I cried for being alone…so very alone. Or maybe I cried because I had some hormonal emotions whirling and swirling around waiting to be brought to the surface.
I get pissed that I cried…I think I’ve cried more in the last 6 months then I have in my whole life…I DON’T know why I let them get to me time and time again.
I told you about Surf Boy, well he fell off the face of the earth after Thursday night. Not sure what happened…god only knows? He’s probably married with 5 kids, who emails while at work for fun and kicks to his balls. Anyway…yea he was over before we even met…like so many others I’ve met along the way.
I started talking to this one guy who said I was “just another insecure fat chick on the internet.” I was a little taken aback, since I was very honest with him, but as he said, “I was lying through my teeth, I said I was petite, only skinny girls are considered petite.”
Then another guy, said “well we can keep talking” meaning he never wants to meet me face to face, but talking is ok.
I was on the verge of tears after an emotional day…maybe I am PMSing? Lets hope I am PMSing…Well in other words, I was an emotional wreck…and I lied down on my bed to take a breather before dinner with a friend. And guess who comes online? Mr. Hero himself. It sucks…cause he without fail comes online whenever I’m down or needing someone. After we stopped talking the first time, I was super upset about Anchorman and hadn’t heard from The Hero in about a month, and as tear are welling in my eyes, The Hero pops in saying hi. This time the same thing. I haven’t heard from him in over a week…and the time when I’m holding myself back from crying…he says “hi”
The tears start rolling…I think I cried for 20 min straight, not a pretty sight by any means…I am just happy he couldn’t hear me or see me.
I cried for The Hero and what could have been had we met at a different time... before this “new girl he is f-ing seeing.” I cried for what isn’t going to happen with Anchorman. I cried for the first hope I’ve had for someone new in months. I cried for the stupid guy that made me feel like shit for more hours then he deserved. I cried for being alone…so very alone. Or maybe I cried because I had some hormonal emotions whirling and swirling around waiting to be brought to the surface.
I get pissed that I cried…I think I’ve cried more in the last 6 months then I have in my whole life…I DON’T know why I let them get to me time and time again.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Start of the Surf Boy
I have been talking to a new guy. I am not sure what to call him…this is always the dilemma in the beginning…hmm what to call him, what to call him…. Surf Boy?? It has something to do with his email…so yea; we will call him Surf Boy for now.
Surf Boy and I started talking one day on email.
“Hi, Surf Boy here 30 in Quincy.
Would love to chat, send emails I also am bored at work and need the excitement of seeing emails in my inbox, makes my heart flutter.
5'9'' 180 brown hair male, gorgeous blue eyes, love bbws, not into bony skinny chicks, need something to cuddle with on a snowy cold day.
Email me please?”
So I did, maybe it was the BBW point, since that means big, beautiful, women. Obviously I’m more that then I am a skinny chick.
But we’ve sent over 300 emails in a little over 2 days; we must find something to talk about. He seems nice, but see I get worried, guys on email in the past-who seemed nice, ended up being total asses in real life, just never who you perceive them to be.
I would like to meet him though sooner rather then later---it seems to work out better when I meet someone without coming up with preconceived ideas of what each of us will be.... just meet and get to know each other face to face...then if we don’t like each other we go our own way.
I haven’t mentioned Anchorman to him, and sometimes that bothers me. I am not sure if I am doing something wrong by keeping both hidden from each other. I am pretty honest with anyone else I have talked to, but for some reason I didn’t tell Surf Boy about Anchorman.
We talked today, and even talked about talking on the phone tonight…but its 11:10 and no phone call yet. Makes me wonder…is he just playing me, maybe its just another game to another player. I don’t know, I do know that my guard is up, and I’m going to not be hurt this early on like I have been in the past, I just need to be more careful with my emotions, since The Hero and Anchorman didn’t deserve them, how do I know Surf Man will either.
Surf Boy and I started talking one day on email.
“Hi, Surf Boy here 30 in Quincy.
Would love to chat, send emails I also am bored at work and need the excitement of seeing emails in my inbox, makes my heart flutter.
5'9'' 180 brown hair male, gorgeous blue eyes, love bbws, not into bony skinny chicks, need something to cuddle with on a snowy cold day.
Email me please?”
So I did, maybe it was the BBW point, since that means big, beautiful, women. Obviously I’m more that then I am a skinny chick.
But we’ve sent over 300 emails in a little over 2 days; we must find something to talk about. He seems nice, but see I get worried, guys on email in the past-who seemed nice, ended up being total asses in real life, just never who you perceive them to be.
I would like to meet him though sooner rather then later---it seems to work out better when I meet someone without coming up with preconceived ideas of what each of us will be.... just meet and get to know each other face to face...then if we don’t like each other we go our own way.
I haven’t mentioned Anchorman to him, and sometimes that bothers me. I am not sure if I am doing something wrong by keeping both hidden from each other. I am pretty honest with anyone else I have talked to, but for some reason I didn’t tell Surf Boy about Anchorman.
We talked today, and even talked about talking on the phone tonight…but its 11:10 and no phone call yet. Makes me wonder…is he just playing me, maybe its just another game to another player. I don’t know, I do know that my guard is up, and I’m going to not be hurt this early on like I have been in the past, I just need to be more careful with my emotions, since The Hero and Anchorman didn’t deserve them, how do I know Surf Man will either.
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Kissing Frogs
I am sitting here trying to fall asleep…and my roommates phone rings, it’s her best friend…she just got engaged…
7 couples I know got engaged in the last few months. Its funny, because I have always wanted to find the one…to fall in love…get my happily ever after. But then I started dating…and for once I’m kind of happy the way I am. I am happy playing the field and seeing who’s out there. I can never say that I met and fell in love with the first guy I met. Nope, not me, not after all the frogs I’ve kissed…and I don’t see an end in site.
It sucks when I am finally happy being single and having fun, then all these people around me are falling in love. I walk through the mall and you see Ken whisper into Barbie’s ear, or as I’m driving in my new car I look in the review mirror and see him kiss her, just a little. It makes me sad…makes me want that.
I would love to find the one. Someone like the Hero, who seemed to like me for me, weight and all…even though he would never meet me. Or someone like Anchorman, but who I see and want a future with. I want someone, who will want me for me. Someone who will look at me… who I will make smile.
I think about that…think about all the friends and family of mine who are engaged and happy. Maybe…I will finally kiss enough frogs until I find the one. I am just not sure when I will be ready…
I just am scared it never will happen…
(Picture is of a journal: Kissing Frogs Personal Journal of Dating Mating Rating--I saw this and thought about its my life these days)
Monday, January 8, 2007
The Hero Confusion
Life is interesting. And so is The Hero. Yes I am still talking about him…he just never leaves my thought for long. I hate that…about myself and about him. He contacted me today. Did he read my blog? Or was he just missing me? Or is it a combination of both?
I am not sure. And I got tears once again at his little “hi” this morning. I hate that. I hate my emotions that I can’t control when they rise to the surface when I think of him.
He has met someone he says. I knew this. I saw it on his Myspace…I knew that one of those girls and him had been talking…keeping in touch. I took him off my myspace last night, cause I couldn’t help looking at his page, then hers every once in awhile. Its better not to have the temptation, so I just pushed delete. I’m better off not knowing.
And I do have Anchorman, which he has known about since almost the beginning…so does he hate him as much I hate his girl? And I don’t blame, because like I said I have feelings for both…whatever mine are for Anchorman…its something…if not serious.
But, after letting him know my true feelings and me hearing his, we decided to keep talking. I just hope he holds his end of the bargain and keeps in touch. Cause like I’ve said in the past only time will tell. I am in no place to make promises…no idea what tomorrow will bring. But who knows what will happen next.
Now what?
Cause does that mean I just let him have the last word and he won once again? Is that ok? Am I ok? Who knows? I sure as hell don’t. Anyone have advice---you can sure as hell give it, cause I’m as confused now as I’ve ever been.
I am not sure. And I got tears once again at his little “hi” this morning. I hate that. I hate my emotions that I can’t control when they rise to the surface when I think of him.
He has met someone he says. I knew this. I saw it on his Myspace…I knew that one of those girls and him had been talking…keeping in touch. I took him off my myspace last night, cause I couldn’t help looking at his page, then hers every once in awhile. Its better not to have the temptation, so I just pushed delete. I’m better off not knowing.
And I do have Anchorman, which he has known about since almost the beginning…so does he hate him as much I hate his girl? And I don’t blame, because like I said I have feelings for both…whatever mine are for Anchorman…its something…if not serious.
But, after letting him know my true feelings and me hearing his, we decided to keep talking. I just hope he holds his end of the bargain and keeps in touch. Cause like I’ve said in the past only time will tell. I am in no place to make promises…no idea what tomorrow will bring. But who knows what will happen next.
Now what?
Cause does that mean I just let him have the last word and he won once again? Is that ok? Am I ok? Who knows? I sure as hell don’t. Anyone have advice---you can sure as hell give it, cause I’m as confused now as I’ve ever been.
Sunday, January 7, 2007
The Hero's Loss
It sucks...life and how you know it sometimes. I’ve talked to The Hero for months on end, getting my hopes up just to be crushed by him time and time again. Its weird...I don’t know why I put faith into him over and over again. Cause this time, I’m done. I have no idea why he plays these games with my emotions...but he does and he wins every time.
This time I win. It’s his loss, not mine.
I wonder about him, and tears still come to my eyes when I try to IM him and he ignores me, or when I send an email that goes unanswered. I guess that’s his immature way of saying he’s not interested...
I am sad in some ways, more in what could be and the things I believed about him as a person. He was so sweet and genuine...or was he? Since allot of the time, he wouldn’t tell me about himself until I asked the questions. I also wonder about what his true intentions really were. Were they about me...or for some girl that would be waiting for him when he returned? Would I have been waiting? Maybe so, maybe not.
I am better off without him in my life, he has anger issues from past relationships, and he has so much more baggage then I'm sure I could deal with. But my heart breaks thinking about him and a smile that I've never seen face to face. But I'm better off, because I deserve better that that. It’s The Hero's Loss, NOT MINE... (He's not my hero anyway)
This time I win. It’s his loss, not mine.
I wonder about him, and tears still come to my eyes when I try to IM him and he ignores me, or when I send an email that goes unanswered. I guess that’s his immature way of saying he’s not interested...
I am sad in some ways, more in what could be and the things I believed about him as a person. He was so sweet and genuine...or was he? Since allot of the time, he wouldn’t tell me about himself until I asked the questions. I also wonder about what his true intentions really were. Were they about me...or for some girl that would be waiting for him when he returned? Would I have been waiting? Maybe so, maybe not.
I am better off without him in my life, he has anger issues from past relationships, and he has so much more baggage then I'm sure I could deal with. But my heart breaks thinking about him and a smile that I've never seen face to face. But I'm better off, because I deserve better that that. It’s The Hero's Loss, NOT MINE... (He's not my hero anyway)
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Out of sight, out of mind right?
Out of sight, out of mind . . . that’s the truth.
I know with Anchorman . . . we see each other on the weekends . . . that’s been the routine so far, until last Thursday night . . . when he came over and we hung out and drank too many beers . . . ending in him leaving in the morning. Then we hung out again Saturday too, so that disrupted the plans . . . the routine. And today . . . we even talked online . . . disrupted what I know and expect. So now what? Cause right now, he is not out of site like usual...and not out of my mind.
I know even with other guys in my life right now, like The Hero, I'm confused . . . I like Anchorman because he makes me feel good. And then I like The Hero because there is something about him that makes me keep holding on. I am not sure what I am holding onto though, I don’t want to hold onto something that isn’t mine to keep to begin with. I just don’t know. We were supposed to meet this week, The Hero and I, but once again he blew me off. And you know, in a lot of ways I understand, if he is in a war zone and comes home to his daughter and friends, why the hell would he want to meet me of all people in his little time he has here? But then why does my heart break off just a little more when he doesn’t even say hi when I IM or email. I took him off my AOL today, and took him off my top ten too, what can I do when I don’t hear from someone . . . I'm not going to do it anymore. If he wants to get in touch, it’s up to him I guess.
Out of site out of mind right?
I know with Anchorman . . . we see each other on the weekends . . . that’s been the routine so far, until last Thursday night . . . when he came over and we hung out and drank too many beers . . . ending in him leaving in the morning. Then we hung out again Saturday too, so that disrupted the plans . . . the routine. And today . . . we even talked online . . . disrupted what I know and expect. So now what? Cause right now, he is not out of site like usual...and not out of my mind.
I know even with other guys in my life right now, like The Hero, I'm confused . . . I like Anchorman because he makes me feel good. And then I like The Hero because there is something about him that makes me keep holding on. I am not sure what I am holding onto though, I don’t want to hold onto something that isn’t mine to keep to begin with. I just don’t know. We were supposed to meet this week, The Hero and I, but once again he blew me off. And you know, in a lot of ways I understand, if he is in a war zone and comes home to his daughter and friends, why the hell would he want to meet me of all people in his little time he has here? But then why does my heart break off just a little more when he doesn’t even say hi when I IM or email. I took him off my AOL today, and took him off my top ten too, what can I do when I don’t hear from someone . . . I'm not going to do it anymore. If he wants to get in touch, it’s up to him I guess.
Out of site out of mind right?
Monday, December 18, 2006
To busy to think
So this weekend I decided if I didn’t hear from Anchorman, I was moving on. Which obviously I was working on doing anyway... with meeting the CrotchRocket on Friday night, and me working over 60 hours in 6 days doing two jobs.
On Saturday night, I decided to join Yahoo Personals for the second time, something to distract me. I started talking to this one guy on IM--super hot---looked similar to Luke Wilson...with blonder hair. HOTTIE... until the first question after the initial introduction was "How big are your boobs?" Or is this deja vu from the night before with The CrotchRocket, because what the hell is going on here...A part of me was tempted...I cant lie about that, I mean he was HOT...but what about after... I would feel like shit and feel like I was used...even though I would have used him just as much I know...So we ended the IMs with, "well we are looking for different things." See there goes my newest theory about CL, that CL=SEX, because this was Yahoo Personals and this guy had an ad which didn’t even talk about sex in the slightest, I mean he works with kids for god sakes...
I am glad I worked so much and had plans with friends in the free time I did have, cause it stopped me from being home, on IM like a loser waiting for either The Hero or Anchorman...just one of them to let me know all is ok. It had been a week from me hearing from The Hero also, so my week was going downhill fast. So the busier I was, the better off I dealt with overthinking about dumb boys.
Sunday night arrived faster then a blink of an eye, and look at that I had an email from.... can u guess which one?
Anchorman had actually emailed...finally...hmm I wonder if he waited around for me this weekend... but I never showed did I... besides the few hours the night before. SO the email reads as follows: "In order for this to work you CAN'T try and make me feel bad when I want to leave. I've even stayed over twice!! But I don't like it when you try and get me to stay." Wow, I had no idea I was doing this, and this is the reason for a no show on Sunday. So, I send an email back explaining myself and said, come and talk to me online when you get a sec. SO no longer then I push send...he appears before my eyes with a little "Hi"
We talked for a little while, me talking about why I found that annoying, and what happened with him... "I freaked, I’m sorry..." that was it. After I stated the fact that he needs to be more open and honest with me... not a week after the fact and being stood up in the process. So we talked it out...and yes he decided to come over to hang out... we worked it all out... and hopefully am moving towards talking about our feelings rather then avoiding the issue all together--which is something I believe he is used to.
I came to work, feeling more confident about life. I hate that about myself though...I hate that a guy can make me feel good or bad... and then I see The Hero...woohoo he’s ok, we are ok. I hate how that too can make or break my day. A guy talking to me over the net, but for some reason when I talk to him I feel better about life...cause he is ok... so I am too.
The Hero and I are supposed to meet when he comes home for leave during the Holidays. I am so hoping this is the case, cause I think him and I could have something real, and its more then a sexual attraction... with him... its something more... but until we meet there is no telling what this emotion is that swirls inside of me when I think of him...
On Saturday night, I decided to join Yahoo Personals for the second time, something to distract me. I started talking to this one guy on IM--super hot---looked similar to Luke Wilson...with blonder hair. HOTTIE... until the first question after the initial introduction was "How big are your boobs?" Or is this deja vu from the night before with The CrotchRocket, because what the hell is going on here...A part of me was tempted...I cant lie about that, I mean he was HOT...but what about after... I would feel like shit and feel like I was used...even though I would have used him just as much I know...So we ended the IMs with, "well we are looking for different things." See there goes my newest theory about CL, that CL=SEX, because this was Yahoo Personals and this guy had an ad which didn’t even talk about sex in the slightest, I mean he works with kids for god sakes...
I am glad I worked so much and had plans with friends in the free time I did have, cause it stopped me from being home, on IM like a loser waiting for either The Hero or Anchorman...just one of them to let me know all is ok. It had been a week from me hearing from The Hero also, so my week was going downhill fast. So the busier I was, the better off I dealt with overthinking about dumb boys.
Sunday night arrived faster then a blink of an eye, and look at that I had an email from.... can u guess which one?
Anchorman had actually emailed...finally...hmm I wonder if he waited around for me this weekend... but I never showed did I... besides the few hours the night before. SO the email reads as follows: "In order for this to work you CAN'T try and make me feel bad when I want to leave. I've even stayed over twice!! But I don't like it when you try and get me to stay." Wow, I had no idea I was doing this, and this is the reason for a no show on Sunday. So, I send an email back explaining myself and said, come and talk to me online when you get a sec. SO no longer then I push send...he appears before my eyes with a little "Hi"
We talked for a little while, me talking about why I found that annoying, and what happened with him... "I freaked, I’m sorry..." that was it. After I stated the fact that he needs to be more open and honest with me... not a week after the fact and being stood up in the process. So we talked it out...and yes he decided to come over to hang out... we worked it all out... and hopefully am moving towards talking about our feelings rather then avoiding the issue all together--which is something I believe he is used to.
I came to work, feeling more confident about life. I hate that about myself though...I hate that a guy can make me feel good or bad... and then I see The Hero...woohoo he’s ok, we are ok. I hate how that too can make or break my day. A guy talking to me over the net, but for some reason when I talk to him I feel better about life...cause he is ok... so I am too.
The Hero and I are supposed to meet when he comes home for leave during the Holidays. I am so hoping this is the case, cause I think him and I could have something real, and its more then a sexual attraction... with him... its something more... but until we meet there is no telling what this emotion is that swirls inside of me when I think of him...
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Harvard Date
I went out tonight with that guy. He was nice, didn’t pay... so friends it is. That’s my deciding factor these days, if they don’t pay...then we will be just friends...if they do pay then they want more.
The date went well enough, besides my mind being elsewhere. He was a gentleman, holding doors, and we had a lot to talk about. He was very interesting, learning his culture, even though I skipped drinking because I found out that Muslims do not drink. After dinner, we walked around Harvard Yard, a first for me…it was interesting to see an Ivy league school, be walking where famous leaders have walked before. Over all it was a nice night.
Although, what I do know is that right now I’m caught up on Anchorman and The Hero. What ifs and what happen, verses what could be with the guy sitting across from me eating Mexican? It’s not fair for me to meet anyone else right now, even to just forget someone else. Then I think about the guys I’ve been out with in the past few months, maybe they were trying to forget too.
Its funny how I am not nervous anymore. When I first started dating this summer, my hands would sweat and my heart would be doing the Macarena in my chest. After a date or two, I started having a drink or two to calm my nerves before every date. I even wondered at one point, is the making me an alcoholic? But, tonight I was totally fine. Maybe it is something that does just come with practice, time. Nerves slowly go away. But along with nerves is the excitement of the unknown. Now, I might not be nervous, but I’m not excited either. I feel nothing to be honest, I just kind of numb. Even when I met Anchorman for the first time, he had a nice smile and we talked allot, but at first...yup numb. It was after the first date that I started to really like him.
The date went well enough, besides my mind being elsewhere. He was a gentleman, holding doors, and we had a lot to talk about. He was very interesting, learning his culture, even though I skipped drinking because I found out that Muslims do not drink. After dinner, we walked around Harvard Yard, a first for me…it was interesting to see an Ivy league school, be walking where famous leaders have walked before. Over all it was a nice night.
Although, what I do know is that right now I’m caught up on Anchorman and The Hero. What ifs and what happen, verses what could be with the guy sitting across from me eating Mexican? It’s not fair for me to meet anyone else right now, even to just forget someone else. Then I think about the guys I’ve been out with in the past few months, maybe they were trying to forget too.
Its funny how I am not nervous anymore. When I first started dating this summer, my hands would sweat and my heart would be doing the Macarena in my chest. After a date or two, I started having a drink or two to calm my nerves before every date. I even wondered at one point, is the making me an alcoholic? But, tonight I was totally fine. Maybe it is something that does just come with practice, time. Nerves slowly go away. But along with nerves is the excitement of the unknown. Now, I might not be nervous, but I’m not excited either. I feel nothing to be honest, I just kind of numb. Even when I met Anchorman for the first time, he had a nice smile and we talked allot, but at first...yup numb. It was after the first date that I started to really like him.
My own Hero
I am sitting here at 10:30 in the morning, trying to work. I need to come up with a new wine label...and then I stop and think about The Hero. Then I think about my wine label, then The Hero, then the label, then Anchorman. I need to find a way, to stop my head from doing this.
I am in constant need of reassurance. I am not sure why this is. Is it because no one has ever really truly liked ME. And if they have I just didn't know about it.
I IMed the Hero this morning, and he didn't respond. Did he not respond to me? Or not to anyone? Maybe he came online and then walked away... to get a coffee at 5:30 in the AM... or what if its his friend going into his quarters checking on something? What if he just isn't in the mood for my half ass ramblings this early in the morning... or maybe something happened to him and I will never ever know?
I am meeting some new guy tonight for dinner. Not really a date, maybe in his mind it is...but no idea how to know... its bad to think, maybe just maybe he will pay. But, we started talking this weekend. He seems nice enough, he isn't American, he's Turkish and from Cyprus. I keep thinking in my head about The Turkey. But, I will say Im not going to think all guys will be that much of an ass, except for all the guys I've met thus far.
Hmmm. maybe just guys in general are asses? But then I think of the Hero (even though he broke numerous times in the past, but my gut says he might be able to be my Hero.) And I think about the nice guys I know, maybe not the ones I've dated, but just friends of mine. They are great guys, and why can't I find a guy like that? I want someone who will call me, Im me, email me, want ME. No more broken promises or bullshit lines. I just want my own "Hero"
Does he even exsist?
I am in constant need of reassurance. I am not sure why this is. Is it because no one has ever really truly liked ME. And if they have I just didn't know about it.
I IMed the Hero this morning, and he didn't respond. Did he not respond to me? Or not to anyone? Maybe he came online and then walked away... to get a coffee at 5:30 in the AM... or what if its his friend going into his quarters checking on something? What if he just isn't in the mood for my half ass ramblings this early in the morning... or maybe something happened to him and I will never ever know?
I am meeting some new guy tonight for dinner. Not really a date, maybe in his mind it is...but no idea how to know... its bad to think, maybe just maybe he will pay. But, we started talking this weekend. He seems nice enough, he isn't American, he's Turkish and from Cyprus. I keep thinking in my head about The Turkey. But, I will say Im not going to think all guys will be that much of an ass, except for all the guys I've met thus far.
Hmmm. maybe just guys in general are asses? But then I think of the Hero (even though he broke numerous times in the past, but my gut says he might be able to be my Hero.) And I think about the nice guys I know, maybe not the ones I've dated, but just friends of mine. They are great guys, and why can't I find a guy like that? I want someone who will call me, Im me, email me, want ME. No more broken promises or bullshit lines. I just want my own "Hero"
Does he even exsist?
Tuesday, December 5, 2006
The Hero or Anchorman?
I did end up meeting up with Anchorman after all on Saturday night. Bad of me I know, 2 dates in one night... and it was not like I planned it like that. But I still woke up Sunday with a smile on my face, whatever that means...
I have been seeing Anchorman now for a few weeks, and yes he's the one Ive talked about a time or two. There is not much to say about him to be honest, except I like him. We are just having fun and not looking towards tomorrow. I think thats pretty normal anyways, isn't? There is no way to know to know what you are feeling until time passes... is it passion and lust, is it more? Will it grow into more? Or fizzle out and be something different later on. Who knows---only god---Im guessing.
But then what about my feelings for The Hero? They are there and they are real, but how can I know what I really feel when we have never met face to face. But I get sad at the thought of never talking to him again. I have no idea what to talk to him about though, since he is living life and death over seas, and here I am telling him about my new car or how Im feeling like shit today. Why the hell would he care?
Why do I care? And what do I care?
I have been seeing Anchorman now for a few weeks, and yes he's the one Ive talked about a time or two. There is not much to say about him to be honest, except I like him. We are just having fun and not looking towards tomorrow. I think thats pretty normal anyways, isn't? There is no way to know to know what you are feeling until time passes... is it passion and lust, is it more? Will it grow into more? Or fizzle out and be something different later on. Who knows---only god---Im guessing.
But then what about my feelings for The Hero? They are there and they are real, but how can I know what I really feel when we have never met face to face. But I get sad at the thought of never talking to him again. I have no idea what to talk to him about though, since he is living life and death over seas, and here I am telling him about my new car or how Im feeling like shit today. Why the hell would he care?
Why do I care? And what do I care?
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
The Hero
It was so nice to talk to The Hero--first time in awhile. I cant decide why that is. Is that because somehow in some way we connected by talking everyday for months on end...or is because Im lonely, he's lonely, and he said he had feelings for me. I don't know, but in the end, I smile and get teary eyed at his first hi in weeks...
Once again, is that dumb?? I don't know, and I don't know what I feel to be honest, cause I obviously care and am sick to my stomach at the idea of someone kissing him, kissing lips I have never even seen in person. How is that possible? How is that possible to have feelings for a computer screen who talks to me?? I have no idea...but its what I feel..and not sure what else I can say.
The Hero and I have been talking for months and have never met. Not sure why, maybe cause he didn't want to enough, then maybe I didn't. We had this connection over the keyboards, that how do you meet someone face to face and have them live up to the potential that is in your mind and heart? I was scared to meet --and so was he.
Maybe god didn't was us to meet, maybe it wasn't the right time or the right place...but what does that mean really? I mean he was not ok this summer, and I was just learning about myself for the first time...like I said maybe we just were not ready, and maybe when he's back--safe and sound-- we will be...but i don't know, what do I say? What do we do? How do I know? I guess there's nothing to say but keep on trucking and being honest...only time will tell.
Once again, is that dumb?? I don't know, and I don't know what I feel to be honest, cause I obviously care and am sick to my stomach at the idea of someone kissing him, kissing lips I have never even seen in person. How is that possible? How is that possible to have feelings for a computer screen who talks to me?? I have no idea...but its what I feel..and not sure what else I can say.
The Hero and I have been talking for months and have never met. Not sure why, maybe cause he didn't want to enough, then maybe I didn't. We had this connection over the keyboards, that how do you meet someone face to face and have them live up to the potential that is in your mind and heart? I was scared to meet --and so was he.
Maybe god didn't was us to meet, maybe it wasn't the right time or the right place...but what does that mean really? I mean he was not ok this summer, and I was just learning about myself for the first time...like I said maybe we just were not ready, and maybe when he's back--safe and sound-- we will be...but i don't know, what do I say? What do we do? How do I know? I guess there's nothing to say but keep on trucking and being honest...only time will tell.
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