Time for me maybe?

I saw Anchorman this weekend…. it was ironic because we got into it over the BBQ in my town…which he didn’t know existed until we went and had coffee there a few weeks ago.

I was sitting there with a friend and in my sub conscious I must have heard his voice because I looked up and right at him…I felt like I was in high school…and we were in the lunch hall trying to ignore each other.

We did it very well I must say…I only looked at him a few times…and god only knows how many times he looked…I was with my male friend…so I hope he thought it was a date…I didn’t give the satisfaction of knowing acknowledging him…but god I wanted to…. I wanted to smile and say hi…

It pisses me off that just by seeing him a part of me missed him…I know I didn’t miss the asshole he was…but I missed the laughing and the butterflies and just the way I felt when I was with him.

I know I am not over him…and haven’t been for awhile…and maybe I have been using guys as a way to forget…but its not like I pick them up and sleep with them. But I have been dating since November just to forget him… which is stupid, I know…and its bad to some of the guys I have met…they know I am not that into it. They must…or maybe I do just seem needy or desperate…I’m not sure…maybe I am…

I canceled on Bubba for Saturday night because he wasn’t very excited when I talked to him that afternoon. I knew then that I didn’t want to go…I didn’t want to be a maybe…and I didn’t want him to be either. It wasn’t fair. I knew this weekend that I just need time for me…I’m tired…tired of it all…but I’m not sure what to say or do to get through that.

So even though I canceled on Bubba…he was meeting a new girl anyway…that was what he had been doing all afternoon anyway. It was an odd way to find out this morning…but I think I was fine with it…I had realized last week that him and I were going to be nothing, I just wasn’t into it enough and neither was he.

I got a comment on my blog…about me always thinking it’s the guy’s fault. I know that it seems like that…and maybe I do say that…but I know most of the time it’s a mutual thing. I know it’s not the guy’s fault…I know I need to figure things out for myself. It’s funny because I didn’t date multiple men at the same time until I realized that 1. Guys were doing this to me…so why not play the game back to them. And 2. It was easier that way…it was easier not to care when I have a few guys to think about verses one….

I was also told this weekend that I needed to quit with the “boys” as I put it. The boys were going to make my head rot…that in time it will come. I knew then that I hadn’t been looking for Mr. Right… but all along…I wanted Mr. Right now. I wanted to be able to say, “I like you” or just talk to guys in general. I grew up never going boy crazy…so I did 10 yrs later then most. Oh well…I needed it…I needed to know that guys wanted me…I needed to know that when I did find “the one” that he wasn’t my first anything. I wanted to know the I had tried and experienced things along the way.

So, at the moment I do think I do want to be alone more then with someone…but then I get bored…its weird I do feel like sometimes I’m 16 rather then 28…

What do people see?

We are officially done... Anchorman and I ... how can someone be two different people at once? He is... its so weird... we made plans tonight... me saying

"so what's the deal with us? only inside again? and no going out ever??
cause I still want to see a movie sometimes and shit... I don't mind
hanging inside like tonight... but then u tell me no to burritos'? I don't want serious but I want more then just a Fun now and then."

Him saying: "Ok, no prob... let's get some Blue Ribbon then!!!
Can I swing by at 6?"

He comes over and we never end up going anywhere, like every other time in the past 7 MONTHS. I confronted him... with me starting to cry because he basically said he was embarrassed of me. He said I took it the wrong way... he just doesn't want anything serious... and I do... I told him to just go... he finally did. I watched his red shirt go out my door and I really really think that was the last time... I don't want someone who doesn't want to be seen with me,,whatever he means. I want to find someone who loves and likes me for ME.

He made me question everyone and everything I know and believe. I have gotten so much better this last year... working at Lane Bryant made me believe in me... in overweight women. We are beautiful and wonderful... who cares if we are not size 0. We are the nicest people you will meet... and the most loyal... the best friend you could have... cause we care about people, not just material things and possessions... it isn't about the person on you arm... its about the person in your heart.

Tonight I am more hurt and afraid of what others think and see of me... rather then what could be with Anchorman. When I ended it the last time... I missed HIM... but now I am just pissed and scared. Scared that everyone including him is right... and what is right? what is he thinking anyway? Is it what's in my head or is it what he feels for real...I am so confused.

I just hope people don't see MIss Piggy when they look at me. I want people to want ME... and not be embarrassed to be seen with me, I don't know... thats what I am feeling tonight... lets hope a good nights sleep will cure me from feeling this shitty tomorrow.

Comfort Food

I went to this Burrito place tonight... I think in some odd ways... a burrito has become my comfort food...

I sat there and thought about my life in the last 7 months... it has been interesting... in some weird odd way it revolves around Boca Grande... and burrito's.

One of my first dates was with some guy who I met at Starbucks... we decided to walk to Boca Grande... where only I ate since he had already... this guy and I didn't go so well... it sucked because to this day I can still see his face drop when he saw me...

Then there was The Kangaroo, we made plans to go get Boca Grande... and he stood me up... where I then hung out with The General that night... when I watched him walk out of my life. The very next day is the day I met Anchorman. Where after talking... we decided to meet at Boca Grande for lunch.

On Sunday, I asked Anchorman to go with me to get a Burrito... and after 2 emails with the assumption he was turning me down... he finally emailed me saying he didn't want to go. So I emailed back saying neither did I... meaning I don't want to do this anymore...

IF he is really interested in me he will make me know it... not tell me he doesn't want to spend time with me... so I am not doing this anymore...

I am off to florida for the week... and hope that I can just forget him while I am there. I am kind of at the point of just really really wanting this to end. Last time I did say that but I still missed him... my gut twisted and turned with missing him... but now... he can go F-himself.

So I sat at Boca Grande and thought about how Ironic it all was... it started here... Anchorman and I... and it ended there too... exactly 6 months later. And here I am ...once again eating something that makes me comfortable and where is a guy who can make me feel that good.

Anchorman again...

I made plans with Anchorman this weekend…lets see if he holds his end of the bargain…lets just see shall we. We are suppose to do the movies…and its more of a test to see if he really goes or not…

He did finally give me his phone number…and I did call him…and we did hang out again tonight…for a lil’ bit…I know I know…its starting all over again…

Im not sure what I am doing…once again I am just having fun…my heart might be a little bit harder to chip this time around…or that is what I am telling myself…trying to convince myself. But it is what it is…what can I say?

Mr Match wasnt a Match afterall

Mr. Match and I were walking back to my car…it was sweet…the place was pretty dead at 12:30…while he walked me across the parking lot. We get to the car…and he looks really really nervous…hmmm wonder why? Is he going to kiss me or what is he going to do?

“I had a really great time tonight, but I just don’t see this going anywhere.”

Me holding in my pride smiled and said, ”sure that’s fine…its ok really…”

I am not sure what happened…I kind of felt that he wasn’t into it…
1. Was it because I met with Anchorman and was not as into it as I should have been?
2. Was it the way I looked?
3. Was he annoyed about the night before and me canceling on him?
4. Was it that I talked too much trying to fill in the gaps while he was quiet-He said he was tired?
5. Was it someone else he is more into---someone who he hasn’t forgotten either?

We met after I got out of work on Saturday night…and we went and grabbed some food for me and a beer for him…which I bought because he had bought my drinks the last date.

It was a nice time…def not as nice as the previous time…but better then others in my past. So I was a little shocked when he said he wasn’t into it. I try not to think about the negatives…that it def isn’t just me…its not because I’m not beautiful enough or smart enough or interesting enough for him. I don’t know…but I guess it is what it is.

I guess Mr. Match wasnt a match afterall.

Anchorman and I 4 coffee...

Yesterday was an interesting day…I woke up and did my usual check of my email…and saw that Anchorman was online…

Yes…he was still on my list…I am not sure why to be honest…but one time in the last few weeks I had put him back on…its hard to resist…since I have it memorized…its like a phone number…how can you forget it?

So we started talking…and I started crying…damn it…I miss him…more then I thought…well no that’s not true…I know I missed him…but damn it what was I doing? Talking to him? But I couldn’t help myself…I cared about how he was doing…as stupid, as that may seem.

He was doing good…or so he says…its so hard to tell. Then he says,”Do you want to hang out for a bit?” I wanted to scream…”HELLYES”

“I don’t know” is what I said…
Anchorman: we can just talk
Me: I need coffee--u want to meet for coffee?
Anchorman: I don't drink caffeine
Anchorman: makes me ADD
Me: breakfast?
Anchorman: hot chocolate!!
Anchorman: you like starbucks?
Me: whatever
Anchorman: k, I’ll pick you up in a few?
Me: ok

So he did just that…picked me up and we went and got coffee…an interesting thing I must say. I don’t know what to say…but it did make me want more again…made me have hope for something that probably doesn’t exist.

He wanted me to call in…which I was tempted to do…but I’m glad I said no…with his pout and all…because I am going to be hard to get I guess…because dumb as it is...I am kind of hoping he did miss me...however it ends up...I had yesterday to know that he def is 26...there is no way his face is under 20...and even if I never hear from him again...I had a better ending then the way it ended 7 weeks ago...but see do I want it to be over? I want him to call me tomorrow and say that he wants to work on something real with me...but I know that this is pipe dreams.

I need to update on the second and last date with Mr Match...which I will do at a later date...

Its officially over...

SO it’s done...finally over with...and I think I'm mad enough to let it be. I emailed him...

"I cant do this anymore…It bothers me and makes me feel dirty that I know nothing about you…and makes me wonder if u do have a girl friend, fiancé, or wife somewhere waiting. Or maybe you are living at home and are 21 not 26. I don't know and I can't take the not knowing anymore.

I know I was ok with things in the beginning but even FWB are friends…and can I really call you a friend and vice versa? I don't even have your phone number, which you don't want to give me, and made that clear today when I didn't hear from you.

I care more about you then I probably should or thought I would…so I can't do this anymore…cause at the end of the day I want more and I deserve it.

If you change ur mind let me know…or lets just end it and say good luck and it was fun while it lasted."

And then got this in response:

"Yea I know, you're right... good luck... it was wicked fucking HOT and fun while it lasted. But I'm actually under 20, which I gather you realized! But you're awesome and wicked cool and yea... It was great... but yea... it probably should end for good with respect to your below email. You are amazing... and yea... you rock.

We're just in 2 different places. "

So all day I have been freaking...that he was under 20...I went into my head all the talks...all the moments...and it adds up but then it doesn't.

SO, I emailed him asking him what his real age is…and then get this back at 9 tonight…

“It was a joke, I'm 26. Please stop emailing me.”

SO…it’s officially over…and I’m sad and happy about it. I know it wasn’t healthy and I was just going to get hurt in the long run…but I’m sad at what could have been. Will I find a guy who can make me laugh like he can? Or with just a kiss make my knees week…I know this is cliché…but man he does it for me…and I let my guard down with him because of it. I just hope I can find someone who will do what he could and treat me with a little more respect.

I have no idea what to say about what happened and no idea what in the second to last email I got from him is real. I have no idea…and I guess I just don’t care…I do I am lying…but I need to not care…and his last email pissed me off enough to really stop caring…what an ass…

Half baked...

I was driving home tonight…knowing deep down that this whole thing with Anchorman is officially over. I emailed him a few times today because the plan was for him to come over tonight…but I didn’t hear from him…

SO…does he have a girlfriend? I don’t know…and that pisses me off…makes me sad…who the fuck is this guy that I have spent so much time with in the last few months. Its like the fog has lifted, the bubble has popped…. and I want to know who he is…

I need to send him an email…ending it finally…forever…I know this and that was the conclusion I was making tonight/today anyway…if he came over tonight or didn’t…something had to be done.

I drove home in the freezing cold wondering how my night would go…would he call? Show up? Come on IM? Email? Just come over at 7 like his email yesterday said…

And then…I decided to stop and pick up some Ben and Jerry’s…and get Half Baked…in more ways then one. I also stopped at the library and picked up my book club book, which ironically is “Its Called a Breakup Because Its Broken.”

I arrived home…and took a look at the cover…with my pint in one hand and the book in the other…well I forgot to mention racing upstairs to see one last time if maybe just maybe I would get an email or an IM…but nothing. The cover of the book was a picture of an ice cream container…how funny is that as I looked into my own half-baked goodness?

The book did help me tonight…and so did being half-baked.

It’s funny because to a lot of people I didn’t really have much of anything with this guy…this Anchorman…but I did. That’s what’s hard…and I keep going over and over in my head every moment we spent together…but as I was reading this book…it said that this is normal…but think about all the bad stuff to. That you need to move on and move away…no more contact. I know by listening to his excuse that his Heat was Out, made me back slide into another month of nothingness but some good times and laughter. I forget the times that he says…I need my space…or I don’t like talking on the phone…or I need to go…or I am just too tired. Let alone the other things that he didn’t do for me but did for him… which I made, sure happened every single time…

So its over…officially…and I don’t know if I want to talk about it anymore…maybe because I am embarrassed…or ashamed…. or sad…or broken hearted…all I know is that I want to forget it all. Well not forget but move on…

Confused...

I am a little sad today…I am not sure what brought this on…I hate when I have this in my head, in my heart…I cant escape it…when I should be doing work and not over thinking friends…guys…work…life. But I am in that mode today…

I think its boredom, its weird though…cause I have to much going on in my life right now to be bored…but I am…or am I?

In the past few months…when this emotion hit me…this is when I would go on CL and IM people…just to keep my mind off of other things…but since this is something I just cant do anymore, now what am I going to do? It was distracting me from my work… but it also distracted me from my thoughts.

I am still doing Match…but for some reason I don’t get many responses…I am not sure why? Is it because they really haven’t joined but made a profile for free and now are stuck only winking…but then again I don’t get that many winks either. I have come to the conclusion that this is ok…because when someone does that means they like me for what they see and read…and I know this…deep down…but man it is so frustrating on days like today…when I want to scream…what the fuck?

I have been seeing Anchorman again…I know not a good thing…it just kind of never ended in the first place. I am embarrassed that I have allowed it to continue…but it’s a good distraction from the chaos of my life these days. Work, family, and friends have collided into my life all at once…I have a friend moving into my apartment, into Boston tomorrow…my dad is moving to Atlanta today…things at work are interesting to say the least…. and I am just confused…. and for once Anchorman wasnt in my every waking thought…and he is a good distraction when he is.

But, I invited him over to my one last night of an empty apartment before my surrogate brother moves in. The last time we hung out…he had a phone on him…interesting…which I made a comment about saying we cant hang out again until he calls. So in the email I sent him I gave him my number and said he has to call. I then emailed him again asking him what the big deal is.

“I promise not to call you all the time if I have ur number you know...I probably never will...but it would be nice to have once in every blue moon...what r u scared of? Or do you have a girlfriend or wife you are afraid will find out about me?? You make me paranoid.”

And it hit me…what am I doing? I feel gross and ashamed that I have let it go on this long. But what am I to do? I like the way I feel when he is over…I like when I laugh until my sides hurt…we just have so much fun. Its not like he treats me like shit when he is with me…that’s the hard part…. because while he is there…I forget why I get upset and why he makes me sad. Then he leaves…and I feel it all over again. That’s what the problem is at the end of the day…I feel good with him. I guess I just need to realize that maybe my few hours of feeling good are being overridden by the questions I have after.

Kind of Ironic

I heard from The Hero tonight…damn…he knew once again when I needed to hear from him.

And I hate that I still care…
I hate that I started to tear up when he said he got hurt.
I wish I didn’t care…
I wish my heart didn’t pitter-patter at the sound of my fingers typing to him.
I hate my feeling for a person that I have never even met.
I hate this image, this person that comes to my mind whenever we talk.
My heart races as though he is in front of me saying these words.
I am sad that things didn’t work out differently with him.
I am sad that he never met me…cause I could have been great for him…but maybe just maybe we were never meant to meet.

Its sucks…cause every time I see his name…I think of him.
I hear a song that he likes I think of him…
There are so many memories of someone I don’t really know…not really.
Its funny…I could combine the two…Anchorman and The Hero and I might have the perfect man.
The Hero is what Anchorman isn’t and vice versa….
Just kind of ironic isn’t it,
Maybe it’s my problem after all…
Maybe its easier to fall for some of someone rather then all of them…
Less to be hurt from right?

Damn It!!!

I cleaned away any reminders of Anchorman last night…I felt like I had cleansed myself in this weird way. I cleaned my whole room, washed all my clothes…no reminders of us…the t-shirt he left behind went into the corner of my closet…the one sock left went into my new garbage can. As 11 were approaching and sleep was nearing…I felt better.

I realized that in the last few days…that I thought of Mr. Martini more then Anchorman, and was excited about seeing him again…which was nice to feel.

Then…I see a little: “Hey”

I couldn’t decide if I should just ignore it…ignore Anchorman’s IM. I never ever hear from him on the weekdays…well rarely... and since I ended things… it’s been twice.

I said, “Hello”and he says, “Do you want to hang out?” I started laughing and responded, “Yes…and NO!”

He then says, “Please!!!!” “My heats out and I’m freezing... please please can I come over and stay the night.”

He knew exactly what to do to get me to say yes…knew that I would feel bad…and agree to let him come over. And I did…and it’s dumb because my heart started racing and I was excited to see him…Damn it…

I am so mad at myself for allowing it…allowing him to enter back into my life…let alone my bedroom.

But, I missed him damn it. Did I miss the comfort? The crazy butterflies when he touches me. Or just because its something/someone I am comfortable with? I don’t know?

I told him that maybe I would move to Vegas…and he freaked---“What? You can’t leave? What do you mean, you moving? Id miss you to much.”

I didn’t say anything at all... But I wonder what he is thinking and feeling. When 5 days ago he told me he didn’t want anything with me that was serious. Then tonight…he says this and gets mad when I mention an ex boyfriend…saying, “I don’t want to hear about your ex-boyfriends and flips over on his side.

I am not sure how or where this is going from here…I still don’t want to see him…cause he just makes me want him more…and it complicates thing. Since he says he doesn’t want more…and then has moments when he acts like he does. I cant do this anymore…lets hope I am stronger the next time.

Mr Martini

It is 2:12 AM…and I am online…its dumb but a part of me hopes Anchorman will forget everything we ended and IM me like usual…. why? Why do I do this to myself? Makes me wonder what I really feel for him…I am just not sure…I am just really really confused.

I even kissed a new guy tonight…that was a first for me since I met Anchorman. He was nice…we went to a nice dinner and had a great time. Its funny because he never even insisted on having a picture of me, which was nice actually. I sent along mine finally because I wanted one of us to find the other at least.

So I arrived at dinner, not feeling 100% because I have been sick with a cold that kicked me in the ass most of the week. We got there and had to wait for a table, the conversation was a little awkward at first…as it usually is in the beginning. After one Martini, and some lady sitting next to us at the bar, smiles and says “Is this your first date?” Which Mr. Martini responds and says, “why no its not, is it yours?”

The date was nice…we seemed to get along great…he even paid which was nice…since I am low on money and the last guy made me pay the whole shebang.

Finally towards the end of dinner he says, now what are we doing? I have no idea honestly…and I was having fun. I had made plans with some friends for to meet them to see a friend play at a bar not to far away. SO we hit it on over that away. Instead of one car, we decided he would drive. We walk out towards his car and he says can I have a hug? And then lands one on my lips in the process. No tongue action thank god.

So we are driving towards the bar and we miss the place…and then he says…I need to run home for a sec. I’ll be honest…I started to freak…what the hell was I going to do now? So he then proceeds to tell me what a nice guy he is…and he promises he’s not going to try anything…he knows about the 5-date rule you see.

We arrive at his place, and he runs inside leaving me in the car. While he is inside, thoughts are swarming inside my head…Coke? Does he do drugs you think and had to go home and get them? I am not sure? Maybe he had to take a shit and didn’t want to at the bar…my dad always did that…hahaaha. I have no idea…but true to his word he was back 5 minutes later and we are driving back towards the bar.

We arrive and park, we walk towards the bar and he lands another kiss on me…ok this time with some tongue…interesting I must say.

The Draft was not as packed as I expected…maybe it was still early. It was nice to be able to introduce my friends to my date. Out of all the dates I have been on…I have never had my friends meet the guy I am seeing. It was nice…it was nice to see him make an effort and find that they had things in common. It is true…someone I end up spending time with, I want him to be friends with my friends too. But, I got a little weirded out when he kept handing out his card…he got drunker and got a little braggier. He is a trust fund baby you see…and this came out a few times in the process of the night. He was nice and I did laugh. I am just not used to someone who is materialistic. Maybe he isn’t and I shouldn’t judge…but we shall see…

He came home with me…yea I know…I am crazy…but he was drunk and he was not sober enough to drive. So he was going to sleep on my couch…and my roommate is home this weekend…so I knew nothing could happen.

We get to my place, and lie on my bed…I couldn’t help but think of Anchorman…as he kissed me, I wanted it to be Anchormans soft mouth over mine…yea not a good start huh. It was hard for me not to think of that though…

I stood my ground though…5-date rule…and I didn’t break it…no chance…I am NOT that type of girl. No matter how hard he tried to get more…I wasn’t budging. I don’t know…I just couldn’t do it. If I did that with every guy I was attracted to, man that could be a lot of guys in the next year. Yea, so I am holding to that rule. And if he doesn’t call me tomorrow…or Sunday its because I guess I didn’t mean that much to him. And if I had slept with him and he doesn’t call tomorrow or Sunday, then I would have been even more crushed. So at least I have that to stand against.

We finally ended the night with him driving me to my car…where the night began. With a nice kiss on the lips and a I’ll talk to you later…

It's officially over

I talked to Anchorman tonight on IM…damn it…at least he Imed me first, but we talked things out…. and its still over.

I want to soooo bad right now to forget all I have said and send him an IM that says…I’m sorry don’t listen to my evil twin “Kerrie”

But, in the long run…I am going to feel like this again in a few months, weeks, days, hours… so what is a girl to do? Kerrie and KT will have to survive I guess without Anchorman once and for all.

I am sad though…at least I am happy that we talked about it without me just never hearing from him again, and I am not crying about it at least…at least that is done with once and for all…for tonight… for right this second at least.

He doesn’t want more he said…he wants to keep things the way they are. I said its not enough for me though…I want someone who wants breakfast with me at least. I admitted that I thought he was embarrassed of me…he said, “why would I be embarrassed? I just like keeping you to myself. I like it being a secret.” I even brought up the no phone conversation…and he says, “If I call you, will you rethink things?” I did, I admit I was soooo tempted to give in and say hell ok…lets keep having fun. BUT…then I just can’t do it…especially since I am comparing every guy I meet to him…and probably will for a while. But its better for it to end now, before it gets worse…not better….

I’m just sad…. why cant things work out the way I want them to.

Dear Anchorman...

Its kind of Ironic…3 months to the day that I met Anchorman I broke up with him. Yep, it’s official. I’m sad…not to the point of heart broken…but I am sad for what could have been.

He came over Friday night and spent the night…it was fun as usual. Him talking with little intimacy moments here and there…like when he asks why I moved something…when he is used to it that way. Or when he lied down on bed and he says, me on my side huh. Or as I walked into my room and he left behind one sock and his white t-shirt on the floor. How he missed them, I have no clue. Makes me wonder…did he forget them on purpose or was he in such a rush to leave that he just forgot them…. hmmm yea.

As we were waking up he made some comment about it being ok if I got up…I could go make him breakfast…which was a joke. So I say, “Hahah, but will you go get breakfast with me?” and he says, “OK, but let me rest another few.” So after a bit, I got up and went into the shower.

Then I hear, “Hey, What are you doing?”
“Showering”
“Ohhh, ok…well I’m leaving now.”
“Ok.” Me being not some over pushy female, I let him go. What was I going to do? Yell..."Well I thought you were going to have breakfast with me.” But, nope I just say OK.
He then asks, “Are you going to be around tomorrow?”
I felt like yelling, “Fuck You…I’m not going to be around anymore, I have a life, work, friends, and no more of this bullshit.” But I said, “I don’t know.”

I ended up sending an email instead of talking to him about it face to face. But, since I have no way of getting a hold of him and not in the mood to wait until I hear from him again. Email is the only way to go.

My email went like this:


Hi,

I have been thinking…and I have so much fun with you and want you…a lot…

BUT, I want more…I don’t want marriage or anything really serious…but I want more then just “fun”. I know I said I was ok with nothing serious in the beginning…but I want more now then three months ago…I want movies…and dinner from time to time. I love hanging out at home, but I want more then just that. I want a way to get a hold of each other besides IM and email.

I want someone who wants to go to breakfast the morning after.

So anyway, I don’t know what else to say… cause I don’t think you are all that interested…if you are let me know…if not I guess good luck to you…


That was my email…I’m sad that it is coming to an end…cause I do like him and I do want more with HIM…but I guess it has stopped being fun, and I’m starting to feel bad about myself…especially when I wonder…is it me he doesn’t want to be with? Is he embarrassed of me? The funny thing is I AM embarrassed of me for letting him treat me this way for this long…I write about him on the blog…and its embarrassing at times. Or maybe in the long run its him…and I just needed to end it. I can’t give myself or let myself be totally into anyone else until this is over and finished…

My Mr Mobil Date

I met Mr. Mobil tonight…I have no idea what to feel. It sucks cause all I am thinking right now is… I miss Anchorman, and dumb as it seems The Hero.

Its dumb and weird…since last night I realized I DON’T CARE for Anchorman…not in the way your suppose to care…but I do want him more then Mr. Mobil and I just cant help but compare the two.

We met at a bar about halfway between the two of us. I actually arrived a little early and went inside to find a seat. I had told him earlier today that I'm low on money…and as I waiting…he calls to tell me he is outside, but… he forgot his wallet. No fuckin money. You got to be kidding me…he lives 25-40 min away, no way was he going home now…unless this first date was over before it even began. But I do wonder how you can forget your wallet… maybe he was just so nervous he walked out without it? No idea…only god knows I guess.

So he comes in and comes toward me and gives me a hug…it was sweet. He looked older then 28…maybe it’s the rough life…or maybe I am just older…and 28 looks like 28. He was so nervous. He was kind of shaking and wouldn’t look at me…but then he would and he would smile and say

“Wow, you are so beautiful”

“How can you still be single?”

“You are sooo smart”

“How has no one grabbed you by now, you must be shy, it’s the only thing”

I think he told me I was great at least 10 times. Which is great for my ego…but what do I say? This went on for the next hour and a half…2 - 2.00 bud lights and a small pizza (which could have fed one of us, let alone both). I am so low on money…that it was the only option. I wish we had only one beer to be honest…but when he said yea I’ll have another…what was a girl to do?

It kind of makes me laugh…cause yesterday a friend and I were laughing about a comment I had made during The Harvard date, “He was nice, didn’t pay... so friends it is.” What about this date? Since I’m paying for it all, let alone just mine.

Well, we talked about movies, and some TV, and other things at random…with him at times saying,”This is just what the Dr ordered, me getting out of the house.”

I tried to see if he was interested in going back to school…if it was even in his future…he seemed embarrassed to be where he is…to be Mr. Mobil. But no one can help him but him…you know?

He did say, “if you were my girlfriend, maybe things could happen…maybe things would be better and I could move onto something new.” I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure I want that kind of responsibility. I have such a hard time living day to day for ME, let alone someone else. And when I find someone to build a relationship with…I want someone who is strong enough to deal with himself without needing me to be that safety net for him. Does that make sense?

On my ride home my gas light came on and now, thanks to paying for dinner I have 3 bucks left until thursday. Not a good shape to be in...a little scarry... thank god a friend is going to give me some money. Thanks A...

He has already called me tonight…and came online to make sure I was ok. Interesting…makes me worry some. I told my mom and A that I might see him again, I might give him the benefit of the doubt, that maybe he was just nervous. BUT, at the same time…I don’t want to give him false hope…cause I’m not sure…I’m just not sure. I don’t know, what if he becomes to attached…calls more then he should…and I don’t know. I am just not sure what the next step with Mr. Mobil will be…I guess we shall see.

Anchorman is just fun

Anchorman came over tonight. YUP.

I was happy to see him, we both still had our secret smiles on our faces as our eyes met for the first time since Martin Luther King Day.

I wanted him…dumb as it is. I miss him and hearing his dumb jokes. I don’t know what I’m doing, what we are doing?

As I’ve said in the past few months…I’ve come to realize once again…I’m ok. I’m ok with the things for right now. You know? I am just going to use him…the same way he is using me. Is he using me? I don’t really know to be honest… I just know that deep down I am looking for something more. Something better. BUT, until this happens and comes into my life…why cant Anchorman and I continue to have some fun. I have no label for what we are doing…I am just saying we are having fun. And it is…

So every time I start to obsess about what’s next with him… I need to realize I don’t really think I want anything more with him to be honest. And you know? I am ok…I am ok with the way things are. Because in the long run, he annoys the hell out of me as much as he excites me.

I was talking with much needed friends today…and was asked… “Where do you see it in 5 years from now?” That kind of made me laugh. I have no idea what next month will be, let alone in five years. So, I know I don’t like him in that way. When he makes little comments about this or that, I think…ok that and he is just annoying and to deal with that for day after day…nah…couldn’t handle it. And he is kind of selfish, he never cares what I want or need…he says he does, but deep down he really truly doesn’t give two shits. He rarely makes set plans with me, and it’s his way or the highway. SO, until I get tired of it, which might be sooner rather then later, he just might get the boot. BUT< I haven’t decided yet when that will be just yet.

The end of Surf Boy...and more...

I did a lot of thinking this weekend, and decided I want more out of my relationships. I think I needed Anchorman for what and who he is. He was good for a little, cute, fling…but not sure how much longer we will last. It was a first since November 4th that we didn’t see each other at some point during the weekend. I wonder why? Did he freak like I thought last Monday night? Or was it just because we were too busy and maybe we needed a breather? Or maybe…it’s just coming to an end. How do I feel about that? I honestly don’t know, I’m not sure I care…but will I if we officially say no more?

I told you about Surf Boy, well he fell off the face of the earth after Thursday night. Not sure what happened…god only knows? He’s probably married with 5 kids, who emails while at work for fun and kicks to his balls. Anyway…yea he was over before we even met…like so many others I’ve met along the way.

I started talking to this one guy who said I was “just another insecure fat chick on the internet.” I was a little taken aback, since I was very honest with him, but as he said, “I was lying through my teeth, I said I was petite, only skinny girls are considered petite.”

Then another guy, said “well we can keep talking” meaning he never wants to meet me face to face, but talking is ok.

I was on the verge of tears after an emotional day…maybe I am PMSing? Lets hope I am PMSing…Well in other words, I was an emotional wreck…and I lied down on my bed to take a breather before dinner with a friend. And guess who comes online? Mr. Hero himself. It sucks…cause he without fail comes online whenever I’m down or needing someone. After we stopped talking the first time, I was super upset about Anchorman and hadn’t heard from The Hero in about a month, and as tear are welling in my eyes, The Hero pops in saying hi. This time the same thing. I haven’t heard from him in over a week…and the time when I’m holding myself back from crying…he says “hi”

The tears start rolling…I think I cried for 20 min straight, not a pretty sight by any means…I am just happy he couldn’t hear me or see me.

I cried for The Hero and what could have been had we met at a different time... before this “new girl he is f-ing seeing.” I cried for what isn’t going to happen with Anchorman. I cried for the first hope I’ve had for someone new in months. I cried for the stupid guy that made me feel like shit for more hours then he deserved. I cried for being alone…so very alone. Or maybe I cried because I had some hormonal emotions whirling and swirling around waiting to be brought to the surface.

I get pissed that I cried…I think I’ve cried more in the last 6 months then I have in my whole life…I DON’T know why I let them get to me time and time again.

Start of the Surf Boy

I have been talking to a new guy. I am not sure what to call him…this is always the dilemma in the beginning…hmm what to call him, what to call him…. Surf Boy?? It has something to do with his email…so yea; we will call him Surf Boy for now.

Surf Boy and I started talking one day on email.

“Hi, Surf Boy here 30 in Quincy.
Would love to chat, send emails I also am bored at work and need the excitement of seeing emails in my inbox, makes my heart flutter.

5'9'' 180 brown hair male, gorgeous blue eyes, love bbws, not into bony skinny chicks, need something to cuddle with on a snowy cold day.

Email me please?”

So I did, maybe it was the BBW point, since that means big, beautiful, women. Obviously I’m more that then I am a skinny chick.

But we’ve sent over 300 emails in a little over 2 days; we must find something to talk about. He seems nice, but see I get worried, guys on email in the past-who seemed nice, ended up being total asses in real life, just never who you perceive them to be.

I would like to meet him though sooner rather then later---it seems to work out better when I meet someone without coming up with preconceived ideas of what each of us will be.... just meet and get to know each other face to face...then if we don’t like each other we go our own way.

I haven’t mentioned Anchorman to him, and sometimes that bothers me. I am not sure if I am doing something wrong by keeping both hidden from each other. I am pretty honest with anyone else I have talked to, but for some reason I didn’t tell Surf Boy about Anchorman.

We talked today, and even talked about talking on the phone tonight…but its 11:10 and no phone call yet. Makes me wonder…is he just playing me, maybe its just another game to another player. I don’t know, I do know that my guard is up, and I’m going to not be hurt this early on like I have been in the past, I just need to be more careful with my emotions, since The Hero and Anchorman didn’t deserve them, how do I know Surf Man will either.

Anchorman two times…

I should be sitting here doing work; instead I’m lying on my bed watching the Golden Globes. I am zoning out, maybe it was the pizza…or the 420…or maybe because Anchorman came over for once on a Monday night. Not sure…but I’m not doing what I should be doing…

Yup, surprise surprise… Anchorman came over tonight…maybe it was because I didn’t spend much time with him this weekend…even though he did spend the night when family was here. What? Your probably asking…yea…it was NOT a planned event. No one knew though, the door stayed shut until we walked out the door to get breakfast. Anchorman snuck out while we were out…thank god, although I had my fifth panic attack pulling into the driveway, hoping he had finally left and hadn’t fallen back asleep.

So, we actually emailed back and forth this weekend, him feeling a little put out because I had lots of plans and wasn’t sitting around waiting for him, although that was never said. Although the comment today that was made more then once was…”You work way to much.” Hmmm that’s interesting…since I don’t mind working to be honest…. keeps me busy. To busy to think… to think about the good or the bad.

We hung out, watched TV, smoked, and even ordered pizza. His suggestion…not mine. I won too; I made him tell me a yes not a maybe…that was a victory. I had the last word if for some reason he freaks on me once again. I sat here tonight and wondered about that. Wondered as we were sitting here eating pizza, picnic style on my bed, wondered what we are doing. He’s fun, I had fun…its just sometimes I wonder what’s in his head, what he’s thinking? What am I thinking?

Anyway, I thought I would share. Anchorman two times in one week…wonder what is next…not sure what’s wanted…but we shall see, won’t we.

Kissing Frogs

I am sitting here trying to fall asleep…and my roommates phone rings, it’s her best friend…she just got engaged…

7 couples I know got engaged in the last few months. Its funny, because I have always wanted to find the one…to fall in love…get my happily ever after. But then I started dating…and for once I’m kind of happy the way I am. I am happy playing the field and seeing who’s out there. I can never say that I met and fell in love with the first guy I met. Nope, not me, not after all the frogs I’ve kissed…and I don’t see an end in site.

It sucks when I am finally happy being single and having fun, then all these people around me are falling in love. I walk through the mall and you see Ken whisper into Barbie’s ear, or as I’m driving in my new car I look in the review mirror and see him kiss her, just a little. It makes me sad…makes me want that.

I would love to find the one. Someone like the Hero, who seemed to like me for me, weight and all…even though he would never meet me. Or someone like Anchorman, but who I see and want a future with. I want someone, who will want me for me. Someone who will look at me… who I will make smile.

I think about that…think about all the friends and family of mine who are engaged and happy. Maybe…I will finally kiss enough frogs until I find the one. I am just not sure when I will be ready…

I just am scared it never will happen…


(Picture is of a journal: Kissing Frogs Personal Journal of Dating Mating Rating--I saw this and thought about its my life these days)