Mr. Mobil and I as friends

Mr Mobil and I talked today.

Me: ur more then welcome to join (about something im doing tonight)
Mr Mobil: haha, thank you, i should...
ME: most of us dont know each other, its always a mismatch
Mr Mobil: good, then u can tell them im your boyfriend!,just messin with ya
ME: haha im not ready for that
Mr Mobil: i know KT
Mr Mobil: lol
ME: well u can come if u want, its at 8:30
Mr Mobil: thanks, im flattered
Mr Mobil: i cant though, im too neurotic
ME: why? it helps to get out and meet people, u gonna stay home all the time :)
Mr Mobil: u saw how terrified i was to meet u, imagine a group of people?
ME: haha i know---but u never go out?
Mr Mobil: i wouldnt say never, i get out once in a while. As soon as i increse my dosage of prozac you'll be the first one i call
ME: haha ok, just saying---i used to be super nervous, getting used to groups helped me
Mr Mobil: why u really like me?
ME: i dont know yet---its hard for me---i need to be friends with someone first-- i get nervous and shy too. Its hard for me to like like someone until i know them i know that sounds dumb
Mr Mobil: ok, thats cool hon...
ME: we can be friends and see where it goes---cause i need lots of time, lol
Mr Mobil: that doesnt sound dumb to me at all, only fools rush in
ME: i guess, so yea friends is what im looking for for right now---i that makes sense
Mr Mobil: of course
ME: ok
Mr Mobil: youre succesful- u dont just jump into relationship with just anybody haha
ME: yea i guess, i dont know, i just want it to be right---so i tell most people i meet the last few months that i need friends more then something more. It will happen when its ready
Mr Mobil: exactly

I dont know if he is upset or not...but I dont want him to think that I am ready for more then what I am.

My Mr Mobil Date

I met Mr. Mobil tonight…I have no idea what to feel. It sucks cause all I am thinking right now is… I miss Anchorman, and dumb as it seems The Hero.

Its dumb and weird…since last night I realized I DON’T CARE for Anchorman…not in the way your suppose to care…but I do want him more then Mr. Mobil and I just cant help but compare the two.

We met at a bar about halfway between the two of us. I actually arrived a little early and went inside to find a seat. I had told him earlier today that I'm low on money…and as I waiting…he calls to tell me he is outside, but… he forgot his wallet. No fuckin money. You got to be kidding me…he lives 25-40 min away, no way was he going home now…unless this first date was over before it even began. But I do wonder how you can forget your wallet… maybe he was just so nervous he walked out without it? No idea…only god knows I guess.

So he comes in and comes toward me and gives me a hug…it was sweet. He looked older then 28…maybe it’s the rough life…or maybe I am just older…and 28 looks like 28. He was so nervous. He was kind of shaking and wouldn’t look at me…but then he would and he would smile and say

“Wow, you are so beautiful”

“How can you still be single?”

“You are sooo smart”

“How has no one grabbed you by now, you must be shy, it’s the only thing”

I think he told me I was great at least 10 times. Which is great for my ego…but what do I say? This went on for the next hour and a half…2 - 2.00 bud lights and a small pizza (which could have fed one of us, let alone both). I am so low on money…that it was the only option. I wish we had only one beer to be honest…but when he said yea I’ll have another…what was a girl to do?

It kind of makes me laugh…cause yesterday a friend and I were laughing about a comment I had made during The Harvard date, “He was nice, didn’t pay... so friends it is.” What about this date? Since I’m paying for it all, let alone just mine.

Well, we talked about movies, and some TV, and other things at random…with him at times saying,”This is just what the Dr ordered, me getting out of the house.”

I tried to see if he was interested in going back to school…if it was even in his future…he seemed embarrassed to be where he is…to be Mr. Mobil. But no one can help him but him…you know?

He did say, “if you were my girlfriend, maybe things could happen…maybe things would be better and I could move onto something new.” I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure I want that kind of responsibility. I have such a hard time living day to day for ME, let alone someone else. And when I find someone to build a relationship with…I want someone who is strong enough to deal with himself without needing me to be that safety net for him. Does that make sense?

On my ride home my gas light came on and now, thanks to paying for dinner I have 3 bucks left until thursday. Not a good shape to be in...a little scarry... thank god a friend is going to give me some money. Thanks A...

He has already called me tonight…and came online to make sure I was ok. Interesting…makes me worry some. I told my mom and A that I might see him again, I might give him the benefit of the doubt, that maybe he was just nervous. BUT, at the same time…I don’t want to give him false hope…cause I’m not sure…I’m just not sure. I don’t know, what if he becomes to attached…calls more then he should…and I don’t know. I am just not sure what the next step with Mr. Mobil will be…I guess we shall see.

Start of Mr Mobil

I have been talking to another guy. Yes I know, another one…it never seems to end… but in some ways maybe this is a good thing. Makes me know I still have some hope. Makes me realize I do not care as much for Anchorman as I did at one time. Makes me smile, dumb as it seems. Makes me smile and hope…that someday I will find some guy that can be my best friend as well as my lover.

I have been talking to this one for a few days, talked to him on the phone last night actually. He’s really sweet so far…he called me yesterday just to tell me he liked me and can’t wait to meet me. It was nice to here… but as I’ve learned I’m not getting attached until I know his true intentions. BUT, he does seem sweet and into me…

I wonder though sometimes…when they are too into me in the beginning what someone is really feeling. As I said…what is the real intention here? Is it because I have no confidence in myself and don’t think anyone should be THAT into me…not at first anyway? Or is it all the horror stories of someone being just too nice, and it never is as good as it seems? Or is it because he is desperate for a girl, any girl, who cares if its me ME, just any girl who actually showed an intrest, he would be into. Or maybe, just maybe he is true and I should just be happy that he is into me. Who knows?

We are supposed to be meeting tomorrow night. He has tomorrow off. We might do pizza and beer…that will be nice. He even called tonight…just to make sure we still had plans… a nice surprise. So one of my little things is, I know I know this is bad of me…but I want to date someone who is driven by his career. Maybe its because for the last 20 years, my whole life has been career…career…career. So, it’s hard for me to imagine working at a gas station. Yes…he works for Mobil.

Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with blue-collar jobs, someone has to do it. But, I just want more that’s all. I don’t want to struggle all my life for things I cant have. I want to travel and be able to breath living day to day. All my life I hold my breath and live pay check to pay check…and I don’t want this to be something I live with for the rest of my life. I am so not a materialistic person…I just don’t want to struggle forever. But, Mr. Mobil thinks I’m way out of his league…and it SUCKS…because how can I be so superficial that I wonder, am I?

How can I worry that guys don’t like the look of me when maybe I am doing the same thing? SO I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and trying this…we shall see what happens…. I’ll fill you in after my first date tomorrow night.

Anchorman is just fun

Anchorman came over tonight. YUP.

I was happy to see him, we both still had our secret smiles on our faces as our eyes met for the first time since Martin Luther King Day.

I wanted him…dumb as it is. I miss him and hearing his dumb jokes. I don’t know what I’m doing, what we are doing?

As I’ve said in the past few months…I’ve come to realize once again…I’m ok. I’m ok with the things for right now. You know? I am just going to use him…the same way he is using me. Is he using me? I don’t really know to be honest… I just know that deep down I am looking for something more. Something better. BUT, until this happens and comes into my life…why cant Anchorman and I continue to have some fun. I have no label for what we are doing…I am just saying we are having fun. And it is…

So every time I start to obsess about what’s next with him… I need to realize I don’t really think I want anything more with him to be honest. And you know? I am ok…I am ok with the way things are. Because in the long run, he annoys the hell out of me as much as he excites me.

I was talking with much needed friends today…and was asked… “Where do you see it in 5 years from now?” That kind of made me laugh. I have no idea what next month will be, let alone in five years. So, I know I don’t like him in that way. When he makes little comments about this or that, I think…ok that and he is just annoying and to deal with that for day after day…nah…couldn’t handle it. And he is kind of selfish, he never cares what I want or need…he says he does, but deep down he really truly doesn’t give two shits. He rarely makes set plans with me, and it’s his way or the highway. SO, until I get tired of it, which might be sooner rather then later, he just might get the boot. BUT< I haven’t decided yet when that will be just yet.

The Progess I've made

I was writing an email to a friend tonight and thought I would write some of it on my blog. I know the last few entries I have been down…I use my blog as my journal it helps clear my mind…which is a first for me…since I have never ever been able to have a journal in all the years I’ve tried.

I realized something tonight…as I was trying to explain to my friends… I realized that I have made a lot of progress since moving here...it’s hard to explain. But I’m a different person today then I was a year ago, leaving Atlanta. I can talk to total strangers, and working at LB has MADE me realize that I am beautiful. who cares how much I weight. I do believe that…even if I have had a lapse in judgment the last few days…

A year ago...I was having anxiety attracts about total strangers I would meet. Even when I started meeting people here I had to have a shot before each date or group I met...but now look at me. All these/those awful dates made me stronger. It made me realizes what I want and don’t want in friends...in guys...in people around me. I know people on the outside don’t understand...because I sound so negative here on the blog...but these people/these guys/these dates did make me stronger.

You know, I could never ever tell someone I liked him...because I was afraid of rejection. I needed to go through all these tears this year. I needed to be strong enough to do these things, to be rejected, to be insulted, because its made me stronger...I cry, but it will make me appreciate the nice people that much more...does that make any sense?

Even with Anchorman now...yea I know we are not going anywhere...but I needed him for who and what he is. I never had that before. I never had the flings or the fun...I was always too scared. I’m not looking for Mr. Right...IM looking for Mr. Right now. I want to stop worrying and freaking about all the things I never got to experience and all my friends have.

As I said in a previous post…I’m 28 being 16. I am experiencing so many things for the first time…that others did 12 years ago. That’s my problem…and I need to go through this to get the next step in my life…because I will never be able to regret not living life here in Boston. No matter where this roller coaster of a life I’m living will go… I’m not sure I’m ready to stop…tears, anger, smiles, and kisses. They all matter and mean something somewhere in the saga and chapter of my life.

Miss Piggy?

Not much is going on in the Match world. Guys look at my profile, my “portrait” and pic and decide it they want to contact me. Hardly any do…and then I wonder once again why? Was it something about me that they don’t find attractive? I wonder---am I Miss Piggy?

Then I go back to why should it matter? Why can’t someone see my smile and say, wow she isn’t a bitch like most of the other girls I date…she will treat me right. Why can’t I find Anchorman or The Hero on Match, where they will like me and want to be with me longer then the time that’s allotted for them?

I’m frustrated…when I tell friends this, they say…”KT, its only been a few days, relax…give it time.” What if I do, and 6 months go by and still I meet no one? Is that possible? Hell I guess I will get 6 free months…that’s the guarantee right?

See, this is what I’m scared of. At least with CL… I can say I’m a Big, Beautiful, Women, and guys that like BBW will respond. Where are those kind of people on Match? Do they exist? And when I see that yes, they are attracted to over weight women, then why do they not email me?

Anyway, this is where I am at with Match.com 4 nights after joining, winking at 75, emailing 20, and 38 looking back at me. Only 4 emails were sent my way…hmmm… am I a bitch? Miss Piggy? What is wrong with this picture?

Joing Match

I joined Match.com this weekend. After getting so emotional, I decided I would try joining a service one more time…at least if guys are paying to meet someone…they are a little more serious. They want more then just my body. It’s kind of ironic and funny though. I felt good and important in the beginning when a guy would be attracted to me. Even if he just wanted sex…not that I took him up on the offer…but that an attractive guy…whoever he might have been…was into me.

But, when I join and pay for a service…like Yahoo or Match, I feel like guys find me soooo unattractive. They are shopping and don’t like the image I portray. Not that all these guys are dreamboats…far from it. No Tom Brady’s on Match that I can see. So I don’t know how many Paris Hilton’s there are in the female section, because am I really that unattractive? I don’t know…as friends say…I need to stop talking like that. But I can’t help but wonder what guys on Match see when they see my profile.

You take 100 bad photo’s to find one great one, so maybe if 100 guys look at me and reject me from one or two images and some words…maybe one out of the 100 will find me attractive to go on a date with me. And date me for me, not just to win another notch on their bedpost.

Here is what I wrote in my ad…tell me what you think. Be honest with me…anything to make it better…


"Ain't you glad we ain't all California girls. Ain't you glad there's still a few of us left. That knows how to rock your world. That Paris Hilton Gets under my skin, with her big fake smile and her painted on tan. She'd never have a chance at a real man." Gretchin Wilson said it, I agree. Are you man enough to meet me? Friends first and hopefully more.

It’s hard for me though to meet people in everyday scenarios. I’m not big at hanging out at a bar just to pick someone up, if I do go--I’m usually with a group of friends. And what am I going to do, start spending hours at the grocery store, LOL, does that even work.

I’m shy...but can be the loudest on at the party at the same time. I am smart and funny and LOVE to laugh. I want to be able to find someone who can be my friend...someone who I can call on a bad day or a good day.

I have been doing the career world up until the last few months...and decided I needed more to live for. My goal is to live life to the fullest and have fun doing it. I love my friends and family… and I am the most loyal person you will meet.

I am NOT thin...but am curvy.
I am NOT tall...but am petite.
I am NOT fake...but am real.

Obviously from the statement above, I am ME...I am real and want to find someone who can appreciate all I have to offer. It takes me 30 minutes to get ready, not two hours. I can do a shot with the best of them...and drink about anything once...why not?

I love having time for my friends and family...and someone important as well. I want someone who can enhance my life without being my life. Maybe that’s you?

The end of Surf Boy...and more...

I did a lot of thinking this weekend, and decided I want more out of my relationships. I think I needed Anchorman for what and who he is. He was good for a little, cute, fling…but not sure how much longer we will last. It was a first since November 4th that we didn’t see each other at some point during the weekend. I wonder why? Did he freak like I thought last Monday night? Or was it just because we were too busy and maybe we needed a breather? Or maybe…it’s just coming to an end. How do I feel about that? I honestly don’t know, I’m not sure I care…but will I if we officially say no more?

I told you about Surf Boy, well he fell off the face of the earth after Thursday night. Not sure what happened…god only knows? He’s probably married with 5 kids, who emails while at work for fun and kicks to his balls. Anyway…yea he was over before we even met…like so many others I’ve met along the way.

I started talking to this one guy who said I was “just another insecure fat chick on the internet.” I was a little taken aback, since I was very honest with him, but as he said, “I was lying through my teeth, I said I was petite, only skinny girls are considered petite.”

Then another guy, said “well we can keep talking” meaning he never wants to meet me face to face, but talking is ok.

I was on the verge of tears after an emotional day…maybe I am PMSing? Lets hope I am PMSing…Well in other words, I was an emotional wreck…and I lied down on my bed to take a breather before dinner with a friend. And guess who comes online? Mr. Hero himself. It sucks…cause he without fail comes online whenever I’m down or needing someone. After we stopped talking the first time, I was super upset about Anchorman and hadn’t heard from The Hero in about a month, and as tear are welling in my eyes, The Hero pops in saying hi. This time the same thing. I haven’t heard from him in over a week…and the time when I’m holding myself back from crying…he says “hi”

The tears start rolling…I think I cried for 20 min straight, not a pretty sight by any means…I am just happy he couldn’t hear me or see me.

I cried for The Hero and what could have been had we met at a different time... before this “new girl he is f-ing seeing.” I cried for what isn’t going to happen with Anchorman. I cried for the first hope I’ve had for someone new in months. I cried for the stupid guy that made me feel like shit for more hours then he deserved. I cried for being alone…so very alone. Or maybe I cried because I had some hormonal emotions whirling and swirling around waiting to be brought to the surface.

I get pissed that I cried…I think I’ve cried more in the last 6 months then I have in my whole life…I DON’T know why I let them get to me time and time again.

Start of the Surf Boy

I have been talking to a new guy. I am not sure what to call him…this is always the dilemma in the beginning…hmm what to call him, what to call him…. Surf Boy?? It has something to do with his email…so yea; we will call him Surf Boy for now.

Surf Boy and I started talking one day on email.

“Hi, Surf Boy here 30 in Quincy.
Would love to chat, send emails I also am bored at work and need the excitement of seeing emails in my inbox, makes my heart flutter.

5'9'' 180 brown hair male, gorgeous blue eyes, love bbws, not into bony skinny chicks, need something to cuddle with on a snowy cold day.

Email me please?”

So I did, maybe it was the BBW point, since that means big, beautiful, women. Obviously I’m more that then I am a skinny chick.

But we’ve sent over 300 emails in a little over 2 days; we must find something to talk about. He seems nice, but see I get worried, guys on email in the past-who seemed nice, ended up being total asses in real life, just never who you perceive them to be.

I would like to meet him though sooner rather then later---it seems to work out better when I meet someone without coming up with preconceived ideas of what each of us will be.... just meet and get to know each other face to face...then if we don’t like each other we go our own way.

I haven’t mentioned Anchorman to him, and sometimes that bothers me. I am not sure if I am doing something wrong by keeping both hidden from each other. I am pretty honest with anyone else I have talked to, but for some reason I didn’t tell Surf Boy about Anchorman.

We talked today, and even talked about talking on the phone tonight…but its 11:10 and no phone call yet. Makes me wonder…is he just playing me, maybe its just another game to another player. I don’t know, I do know that my guard is up, and I’m going to not be hurt this early on like I have been in the past, I just need to be more careful with my emotions, since The Hero and Anchorman didn’t deserve them, how do I know Surf Man will either.

Anchorman two times…

I should be sitting here doing work; instead I’m lying on my bed watching the Golden Globes. I am zoning out, maybe it was the pizza…or the 420…or maybe because Anchorman came over for once on a Monday night. Not sure…but I’m not doing what I should be doing…

Yup, surprise surprise… Anchorman came over tonight…maybe it was because I didn’t spend much time with him this weekend…even though he did spend the night when family was here. What? Your probably asking…yea…it was NOT a planned event. No one knew though, the door stayed shut until we walked out the door to get breakfast. Anchorman snuck out while we were out…thank god, although I had my fifth panic attack pulling into the driveway, hoping he had finally left and hadn’t fallen back asleep.

So, we actually emailed back and forth this weekend, him feeling a little put out because I had lots of plans and wasn’t sitting around waiting for him, although that was never said. Although the comment today that was made more then once was…”You work way to much.” Hmmm that’s interesting…since I don’t mind working to be honest…. keeps me busy. To busy to think… to think about the good or the bad.

We hung out, watched TV, smoked, and even ordered pizza. His suggestion…not mine. I won too; I made him tell me a yes not a maybe…that was a victory. I had the last word if for some reason he freaks on me once again. I sat here tonight and wondered about that. Wondered as we were sitting here eating pizza, picnic style on my bed, wondered what we are doing. He’s fun, I had fun…its just sometimes I wonder what’s in his head, what he’s thinking? What am I thinking?

Anyway, I thought I would share. Anchorman two times in one week…wonder what is next…not sure what’s wanted…but we shall see, won’t we.

I dont know what to say...

Ok I do not what to say to this guys ad...it was priceless to say the least.

Dominant, Attractive & Successful

Here is a response to a bored ad i placed: not to meet someone really just to chat with from time to time...and who knows we might meet sometime....

You're attracted to certain attributed more than others. You might also enjoy being with a dominant male over a one that is not I am a 28 year old male, who is attractive, successful, and obviously dominant. I exude a certain energy which attracts women who compliment my nature. An evening with me could be like the following:

• Me picking the restaurant

• Suggesting one outfit over another

• Ordering your meal, but knowing what you prefer and dont

• Prefer sensual and submissive partner in and out of the bedroom

• You feeling a balance of vulnerability and security

Respond with a picture and tell me why this was of interest.

Kissing Frogs

I am sitting here trying to fall asleep…and my roommates phone rings, it’s her best friend…she just got engaged…

7 couples I know got engaged in the last few months. Its funny, because I have always wanted to find the one…to fall in love…get my happily ever after. But then I started dating…and for once I’m kind of happy the way I am. I am happy playing the field and seeing who’s out there. I can never say that I met and fell in love with the first guy I met. Nope, not me, not after all the frogs I’ve kissed…and I don’t see an end in site.

It sucks when I am finally happy being single and having fun, then all these people around me are falling in love. I walk through the mall and you see Ken whisper into Barbie’s ear, or as I’m driving in my new car I look in the review mirror and see him kiss her, just a little. It makes me sad…makes me want that.

I would love to find the one. Someone like the Hero, who seemed to like me for me, weight and all…even though he would never meet me. Or someone like Anchorman, but who I see and want a future with. I want someone, who will want me for me. Someone who will look at me… who I will make smile.

I think about that…think about all the friends and family of mine who are engaged and happy. Maybe…I will finally kiss enough frogs until I find the one. I am just not sure when I will be ready…

I just am scared it never will happen…


(Picture is of a journal: Kissing Frogs Personal Journal of Dating Mating Rating--I saw this and thought about its my life these days)

Mr Jersey's Over and Out

Well, after a week and only talking to Mr. Jersey once, I decided that I think that this was a short-lived romance. I just can't get enough initiative or drive to call him like I did before I met him. And, I think maybe he feels the same way, who knows...

Last night, we talked on IM for a few seconds...

Me: we gonna meet again?? or no
Mr. Jersey: id like too, but im not sure if its possible, cause of work
Me: ok
Mr. Jersey: id like to though
Mr. Jersey: :)
Mr. Jersey: u there?
Me: yes
Mr. Jersey: im sorry, im busy as well
Mr. Jersey: right now
Mr. Jersey: multitasking
Mr. Jersey: im so dead tired
Me: night
Mr. Jersey: night


Blah, Blah, Blah, Excuses to me are like assholes...

The Hero Confusion

Life is interesting. And so is The Hero. Yes I am still talking about him…he just never leaves my thought for long. I hate that…about myself and about him. He contacted me today. Did he read my blog? Or was he just missing me? Or is it a combination of both?

I am not sure. And I got tears once again at his little “hi” this morning. I hate that. I hate my emotions that I can’t control when they rise to the surface when I think of him.

He has met someone he says. I knew this. I saw it on his Myspace…I knew that one of those girls and him had been talking…keeping in touch. I took him off my myspace last night, cause I couldn’t help looking at his page, then hers every once in awhile. Its better not to have the temptation, so I just pushed delete. I’m better off not knowing.

And I do have Anchorman, which he has known about since almost the beginning…so does he hate him as much I hate his girl? And I don’t blame, because like I said I have feelings for both…whatever mine are for Anchorman…its something…if not serious.

But, after letting him know my true feelings and me hearing his, we decided to keep talking. I just hope he holds his end of the bargain and keeps in touch. Cause like I’ve said in the past only time will tell. I am in no place to make promises…no idea what tomorrow will bring. But who knows what will happen next.

Now what?

Cause does that mean I just let him have the last word and he won once again? Is that ok? Am I ok? Who knows? I sure as hell don’t. Anyone have advice---you can sure as hell give it, cause I’m as confused now as I’ve ever been.

The Hero's Loss

It sucks...life and how you know it sometimes. I’ve talked to The Hero for months on end, getting my hopes up just to be crushed by him time and time again. Its weird...I don’t know why I put faith into him over and over again. Cause this time, I’m done. I have no idea why he plays these games with my emotions...but he does and he wins every time.

This time I win. It’s his loss, not mine.

I wonder about him, and tears still come to my eyes when I try to IM him and he ignores me, or when I send an email that goes unanswered. I guess that’s his immature way of saying he’s not interested...

I am sad in some ways, more in what could be and the things I believed about him as a person. He was so sweet and genuine...or was he? Since allot of the time, he wouldn’t tell me about himself until I asked the questions. I also wonder about what his true intentions really were. Were they about me...or for some girl that would be waiting for him when he returned? Would I have been waiting? Maybe so, maybe not.

I am better off without him in my life, he has anger issues from past relationships, and he has so much more baggage then I'm sure I could deal with. But my heart breaks thinking about him and a smile that I've never seen face to face. But I'm better off, because I deserve better that that. It’s The Hero's Loss, NOT MINE... (He's not my hero anyway)

The Anchorman Deal for Today

The deal with Anchorman is weird…I feel like we are in college just hanging out. And maybe that’s ok…maybe I needed that at first to get used to some man in my life. In college I had friends who were always there, but never one guy that was in my thoughts day and night, well minus the few crushes I did have from time to time.

We definitely do not have a real “grown up” relationship. He comes over every weekend and we hang out. Watch TV, argue, have fun. Most of the time I’m ok with this. I get giddy when I get an email from him…saying what’s up this weekend…knowing he is still interested.

I have never been to his place…is that because he’s hiding something, or is it simply because he has 4 roommates, and mine is out of town every weekend. I also do not have his phone number…see is that weird? I am not sure. A part of me says, hell yea that’s weird, but then another part thinks back to a time when people only had home phones, and having to get messages from one person let alone 4 guys…I can see him not wanting me to call his home number. He says he has no cell phone… and I guess if money is tight, maybe that’s ok… why do we need one anyway? My cell is my phone period…no land line for me.

I was talking to my therapist about this the other day. I think I’m ok with the way things are…I’m ok until people ask difficult questions that I have no answers to. I mean for right now, its fun…he’s fun. When you think about being in High School or College and think about the relationships of the past…isn’t that kind of what I have with Anchorman right now? I mean at 18, you are most likely not thinking about white pickets fences and mini vans, you were thinking about the next time you saw his hazel eyes scrunch up at you in a smile, or the next time you play footsies under the covers. I never had that…so Anchorman is that for me.

A few weeks ago, I did ask him to hang out at a bar with me, and he says: “come on now, you know that's not my style :-)” ok, I guess I know that right? I have no idea…so instead he came over and we hung out at my place, the same as the last 10 times before. But, he did bring me beer, and we did get nice and tipsy, and we did have fun.

Is this wrong? I don’t think it is…I just worry about what happens when I get bored... or he does. What happens if he ends it before I do? Then what? But I guess me being me, I just need to tell myself daily, don’t worry about tomorrow, just worry about today.

Ok Im it...Fine A/OK?

5 things you might not know about me:

1. Even though I write this blog...I actually never watched Sex in the City from Season 1 until the end. Although...A friend and I are going to actually watch them and graph how many guys they each sleep with.

2. I’ve never been in Love...duh...

3. I am not sure I can live in one place for longer then 3 years. I hope I can...but I’m scared I can't.

4. I’m actually starting to enjoy going to work out...hopefully I didn’t just jinx myself.

5. I used to get my brother in trouble because I would string toilet paper all over the bathroom...and tell my mom it was him. Until my mom caught me in the act.

Next? hmmm... I say :
Dave Moore
Kristine
Darcie

Mr. Jersey

Yes, I met ANOTHER guy last night. Actually we have been talking for a few weeks, even before the Holidays. I was suppose to join him for dinner on the Wednesday before Xmas, but being ON Call that night, I had to cancel to go off to work. He is nice, and cute, and we get along great. I was actually nervous to meet him, which is a first for me in awhile. When he suggested just drinks…I decided that was the way to go, drinks could be just the liquid energy I needed.

I am not sure what to call him…He is from New Jersey, lives right outside of the Big Apple. He is here in Beantown on Business. When we first started talking, he said he was here for a few months, why not get to know someone—maybe even move here someday. I am at the point of the dating, where talking about something in the future for me is not an option. I have no desire to know what will happen in 6 months, let alone next week. Ok, we know this is partly true…but if I tell myself this enough I will believe it.

So, on Tuesday night, I had plans with him, and he wasn’t feeling so good…so he canceled…so I made new plans with Mr. Narrow. But as I’m going out the door, Mr. Jersey (sounds like a good name for him…it sort of fits) tells me he has some bad news. I’m like ahhh ok…. And then proceeds to tell me that he is being moved to a Chicago office, and isn’t staying here…just another week. Well Shit….

I was like ok… well its not like you asked me to get married or anything…and this whole time I do feel like I’m lying to him some, because there is Anchorman…which he obviously has no clue about. So… after deciding that we still wanted to meet…who the hell cares at this point what tomorrow brings.

So Last night, Wednesday night, we decide to meet for drinks. He made me meet him at his snazzy hotel. I think he wanted me to see it, to impress me in some way. I’m not a materialistic girl, so it was nice and I was a little wowed---but that wasn’t going to make or break it…come on now. I sat in his lobby waiting…and waiting…hmmm aren’t the guys suppose to wait for the girl—not the other way around?

He walks toward me, and once again I’m a little taken aback by his size. Pictures are so deceiving. You can never tell how tall someone really is or what size ass they really have. But he was still cute…but I wonder about him. Is that bad of me to comment on? I wonder about his real sexuality… maybe he is in denial. Although there was one time we talked…and he did say he was gay. Then he laughed…saying I’m kidding. But is he? Or maybe I’m so used to Anchorman…or all the other non – metro sexual guys I’ve been around this last year. I have no idea, because once we sat down, and I was looking at him across the table, I got over this…he was just like any other guy.

Maybe it’s the sweeties, and honey’s he throws my way. And since moving here, you don’t hear any sort of endearments what so ever…besides the negatives.

I mean he was nice; it was nice…we had so much to talk about…or maybe it was the wine? But he had traveled a lot…and I had lived in a lot of places as well. He was very intelligent, knowing more about politics then I cared to ever know about. I talked about how much I had changed in the last year, which is something no one really knows about…well no one new that is.

And, because he had a great smile, and we seemed to get along great, when he asked me to hang out next week, I agreed. Why not? Who knows, in the past, I seem to have always fallen for the metro sexual…so we shall see next week what will happen next.

Mr Narrow

I feel bad for some people. Are they shallow? Or just missing out on life...maybe Narrow minded? I just feel bad for people who only see black and white.

I met some guy for drinks on Tuesday night--and because we didn’t have a "Spark" he doesn’t even want to be friends--I kind of feel bad for people like that---missing out on life--because they are just looking for "the one" and missing out on people that could mean something in there lives--even if its not a romantic thing.

He was nice, we had been talking online and he kept insisting we meet, which is fine…hey he seemed the type to at least pay for me to have a drink…so why not?

We met in a place not that far from my neighborhood, he was bigger then I had imagined. I am not a thin person, we all know this, but my pictures actually speak about what I look like…no changes there. Maybe it’s my not so good genes of a full face –which I say looks like miss Piggy. Friends get mad when I make this joke…but I cant help it…its what I see when I see Miss Piggy or look at myself in the mirror.

But, Mr. Narrow (We will call him that, shall we) was cute enough…had nice dimples and a nice chocolate brown eyes. The only thing is he had a feminine shape, a pear shape.
Usually men are not shaped like pears…and there is nothing wrong with this, because his dimples did make up for it. We talked a lot…although at times I felt like I was on a job interview…”tell me, what do your parents do?” “Why did you move to Boston? Atlanta? Charlotte?” What did you think of those cities?” And so on and so forth. Yea…

So we ended the date, saying we would hang out again sometime. I mean sure he’s nice, not sure if I felt a pull to jump him over the bar, but I mean hey who knows once I meet up with him again.

I come online the next morning at work, and we talk for a few minutes.

Mr. Narrow saying, “I did want to tell you I had a nice time meeting you last night, but didn't really feel a "connection" so to speak.”

ME: “that’s cool---I'm not sure either---I mean I would like to be friends”

Mr. Narrow: “well I think you are very nice but I'm not really looking for a friendship right Looking for more of a relationship”

Me: “well good luck then”

Mr. Narrow: “but it's been very nice talking to you”

I wasn’t upset that we said no more, but I felt bad for him. Look at the life he misses out on because he is only looking for ‘the one” kind of relationships. What about the laughs, and the smiles?” Friends are so much a part of my life…that I don’t know what I would do without them, so one more is something to be cherished. So, I’m sad for him not for us.

Dick in a Box