I hate being scared. Its so annoying. Once again I am talking about me having a control problem. I don't know what else to say...I hardly ever let myself like a guy because then Im worthless and scared. Why is that? Why do I do that to myself? I wish I was the type of girl who had confidence in herself enough, to be like fuck you... if you don't want me... well someone else will. But then I sit here and wonder, well what if something has come up and he cant get to a phone or cant get to a computer... what then??
I am sitting here waiting for Anchorman to IM me. He's not online, but I have been since 10 sharp hoping, waiting, anything to see his hi. We hung out yesterday, me doing the same thing, until I got in my car for a ride--library, bank, errands that had to be made so it doesn't look like Im waiting for him at every breath. When I get back 2 hours after I had left, he was waiting for me. He came over for a few hours... it was fun... nice to see him... and HE even asked... "so we are going to hang out tomorrow right?" "yea, you want to" "yea, if I can be fit into your busy schedule."
And now here I am sitting here waiting... for him. How is that possible, how am I once again the loser girl... going through in my head all the things I said to him yesterday... over and over... maybe he's spooked again. Maybe he thinks from something I said, that I want something like marriage and babies, instead of fun and smiles. Is that even possible coming from my state of mind... but why isn't he online yet? Where is he? What if he doesn't come on at all today and I wasted a day when I could have gone to visit my cousin and her new house and fiance... but NOoo, Im sitting here waiting by the phone, willing it to ring... please please ring.
Maybe I need a trip to Target, something, to get me out of this house---so Im not waiting on him anymore today. Fuck.. just call will ya.
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