I was watching the Bachelor the other night, I know a horrible shitty show. But it was on...and I was bored...so I watched it. I used to think, how can people do that to people. How is that fair? Those poor women waiting for the guy to decide on them, which one is better for him? How can you make that kind of decision? What if both are, but in different ways? I do believe there is more then one person for us, its the same as best friends. I have best friends for different things. SO why isn't that the case for love?
I have been dating this guy for the last few weeks, I havn't mentioned him at this point, because that may jinx me, so I won't give details. I like him, think about him the way you should when you are dating--or whatever you want to call what we are doing. I can't wait to see him again, smile at him and get that butterfly feeling that arises in the pit of my stomach when I see him smile back at me. I think I have written a few emails to send to him just to see if he wants to hang out this week, cause I don't think I can wait until the weekend. But then, I decide--its to soon... I'll let him be in charge of when we are going to meet--give both of us the space that is needed.
But, I did meet another guy for the movies last night. I had made a fact to point out that I am dating someone, and think friends would be better at this point. But then when we met, I wondered, is that something I am making a mistake on? I mean how do I know friends should be all there is? How do I know that the guy I am dating isn't just using me, even though I have stated that I don't want anything serious either...fun right now..thats all I want and say I want. But what do I want?? What if I miss out on this new "friend" because of this other guy? What if I develop feelings for this person that I told was just friends--and he doesn't feel anywhere close to what I feel? Then I will be 16 or 24 again and liking a friend and not knowing how to tell this person--because we've passed that thin line--I am a friend now and not looked at as something more--and what is more really? Is it a sexual thing? I don't understand how this all works? I hate it all--emotions... what does it all mean?
So see I can understand the Bachelor and how he can be confused... but how can he just pick just one... since you feel differently for both? Until you spend more time with both--how do you know? Initially it is which one do you like more... more physically--more emotionally--which one will treat me better--who am I am I a better person with?
And what if its none of these people? What if its some guy that is overseas right now telling me he has feelings for me...and who I obviously care about very much...so see...what do I do? Or maybe its none of these people, and its all a game. My own game of the Bachelor...who gets the final rose?
How do I let go and just have fun and STOP ALL THIS over-thinking that happens inside my head?
1 comment:
Some food for thought: it's interesting that you say, "what if he's just using me?" to decide how to feel about movie dude. What if you are using him? For butterflies and warm-fuzzies, not that you are, but what is it? At some point it needs to be defined in some way or you won't be on the same page--both with different expectation and reasons for being there... never sure about what the other wants...
Post a Comment