What do people see?

We are officially done... Anchorman and I ... how can someone be two different people at once? He is... its so weird... we made plans tonight... me saying

"so what's the deal with us? only inside again? and no going out ever??
cause I still want to see a movie sometimes and shit... I don't mind
hanging inside like tonight... but then u tell me no to burritos'? I don't want serious but I want more then just a Fun now and then."

Him saying: "Ok, no prob... let's get some Blue Ribbon then!!!
Can I swing by at 6?"

He comes over and we never end up going anywhere, like every other time in the past 7 MONTHS. I confronted him... with me starting to cry because he basically said he was embarrassed of me. He said I took it the wrong way... he just doesn't want anything serious... and I do... I told him to just go... he finally did. I watched his red shirt go out my door and I really really think that was the last time... I don't want someone who doesn't want to be seen with me,,whatever he means. I want to find someone who loves and likes me for ME.

He made me question everyone and everything I know and believe. I have gotten so much better this last year... working at Lane Bryant made me believe in me... in overweight women. We are beautiful and wonderful... who cares if we are not size 0. We are the nicest people you will meet... and the most loyal... the best friend you could have... cause we care about people, not just material things and possessions... it isn't about the person on you arm... its about the person in your heart.

Tonight I am more hurt and afraid of what others think and see of me... rather then what could be with Anchorman. When I ended it the last time... I missed HIM... but now I am just pissed and scared. Scared that everyone including him is right... and what is right? what is he thinking anyway? Is it what's in my head or is it what he feels for real...I am so confused.

I just hope people don't see MIss Piggy when they look at me. I want people to want ME... and not be embarrassed to be seen with me, I don't know... thats what I am feeling tonight... lets hope a good nights sleep will cure me from feeling this shitty tomorrow.