Monday, May 21, 2007

Time for me maybe?

I saw Anchorman this weekend…. it was ironic because we got into it over the BBQ in my town…which he didn’t know existed until we went and had coffee there a few weeks ago.

I was sitting there with a friend and in my sub conscious I must have heard his voice because I looked up and right at him…I felt like I was in high school…and we were in the lunch hall trying to ignore each other.

We did it very well I must say…I only looked at him a few times…and god only knows how many times he looked…I was with my male friend…so I hope he thought it was a date…I didn’t give the satisfaction of knowing acknowledging him…but god I wanted to…. I wanted to smile and say hi…

It pisses me off that just by seeing him a part of me missed him…I know I didn’t miss the asshole he was…but I missed the laughing and the butterflies and just the way I felt when I was with him.

I know I am not over him…and haven’t been for awhile…and maybe I have been using guys as a way to forget…but its not like I pick them up and sleep with them. But I have been dating since November just to forget him… which is stupid, I know…and its bad to some of the guys I have met…they know I am not that into it. They must…or maybe I do just seem needy or desperate…I’m not sure…maybe I am…

I canceled on Bubba for Saturday night because he wasn’t very excited when I talked to him that afternoon. I knew then that I didn’t want to go…I didn’t want to be a maybe…and I didn’t want him to be either. It wasn’t fair. I knew this weekend that I just need time for me…I’m tired…tired of it all…but I’m not sure what to say or do to get through that.

So even though I canceled on Bubba…he was meeting a new girl anyway…that was what he had been doing all afternoon anyway. It was an odd way to find out this morning…but I think I was fine with it…I had realized last week that him and I were going to be nothing, I just wasn’t into it enough and neither was he.

I got a comment on my blog…about me always thinking it’s the guy’s fault. I know that it seems like that…and maybe I do say that…but I know most of the time it’s a mutual thing. I know it’s not the guy’s fault…I know I need to figure things out for myself. It’s funny because I didn’t date multiple men at the same time until I realized that 1. Guys were doing this to me…so why not play the game back to them. And 2. It was easier that way…it was easier not to care when I have a few guys to think about verses one….

I was also told this weekend that I needed to quit with the “boys” as I put it. The boys were going to make my head rot…that in time it will come. I knew then that I hadn’t been looking for Mr. Right… but all along…I wanted Mr. Right now. I wanted to be able to say, “I like you” or just talk to guys in general. I grew up never going boy crazy…so I did 10 yrs later then most. Oh well…I needed it…I needed to know that guys wanted me…I needed to know that when I did find “the one” that he wasn’t my first anything. I wanted to know the I had tried and experienced things along the way.

So, at the moment I do think I do want to be alone more then with someone…but then I get bored…its weird I do feel like sometimes I’m 16 rather then 28…

1 comment:

Magnolia said...

You said: "It’s funny because I didn’t date multiple men at the same time until I realized that 1. Guys were doing this to me…so why not play the game back to them. And 2. It was easier that way…it was easier not to care when I have a few guys to think about verses one…"

You get what you give, chica! The quality men will likely be turned off by your multi-dating. Treat the men the way YOU want to be treated...with respect, and in turn, you will receive respect back.