Damn It!!!

I cleaned away any reminders of Anchorman last night…I felt like I had cleansed myself in this weird way. I cleaned my whole room, washed all my clothes…no reminders of us…the t-shirt he left behind went into the corner of my closet…the one sock left went into my new garbage can. As 11 were approaching and sleep was nearing…I felt better.

I realized that in the last few days…that I thought of Mr. Martini more then Anchorman, and was excited about seeing him again…which was nice to feel.

Then…I see a little: “Hey”

I couldn’t decide if I should just ignore it…ignore Anchorman’s IM. I never ever hear from him on the weekdays…well rarely... and since I ended things… it’s been twice.

I said, “Hello”and he says, “Do you want to hang out?” I started laughing and responded, “Yes…and NO!”

He then says, “Please!!!!” “My heats out and I’m freezing... please please can I come over and stay the night.”

He knew exactly what to do to get me to say yes…knew that I would feel bad…and agree to let him come over. And I did…and it’s dumb because my heart started racing and I was excited to see him…Damn it…

I am so mad at myself for allowing it…allowing him to enter back into my life…let alone my bedroom.

But, I missed him damn it. Did I miss the comfort? The crazy butterflies when he touches me. Or just because its something/someone I am comfortable with? I don’t know?

I told him that maybe I would move to Vegas…and he freaked---“What? You can’t leave? What do you mean, you moving? Id miss you to much.”

I didn’t say anything at all... But I wonder what he is thinking and feeling. When 5 days ago he told me he didn’t want anything with me that was serious. Then tonight…he says this and gets mad when I mention an ex boyfriend…saying, “I don’t want to hear about your ex-boyfriends and flips over on his side.

I am not sure how or where this is going from here…I still don’t want to see him…cause he just makes me want him more…and it complicates thing. Since he says he doesn’t want more…and then has moments when he acts like he does. I cant do this anymore…lets hope I am stronger the next time.