Confused...

I am a little sad today…I am not sure what brought this on…I hate when I have this in my head, in my heart…I cant escape it…when I should be doing work and not over thinking friends…guys…work…life. But I am in that mode today…

I think its boredom, its weird though…cause I have to much going on in my life right now to be bored…but I am…or am I?

In the past few months…when this emotion hit me…this is when I would go on CL and IM people…just to keep my mind off of other things…but since this is something I just cant do anymore, now what am I going to do? It was distracting me from my work… but it also distracted me from my thoughts.

I am still doing Match…but for some reason I don’t get many responses…I am not sure why? Is it because they really haven’t joined but made a profile for free and now are stuck only winking…but then again I don’t get that many winks either. I have come to the conclusion that this is ok…because when someone does that means they like me for what they see and read…and I know this…deep down…but man it is so frustrating on days like today…when I want to scream…what the fuck?

I have been seeing Anchorman again…I know not a good thing…it just kind of never ended in the first place. I am embarrassed that I have allowed it to continue…but it’s a good distraction from the chaos of my life these days. Work, family, and friends have collided into my life all at once…I have a friend moving into my apartment, into Boston tomorrow…my dad is moving to Atlanta today…things at work are interesting to say the least…. and I am just confused…. and for once Anchorman wasnt in my every waking thought…and he is a good distraction when he is.

But, I invited him over to my one last night of an empty apartment before my surrogate brother moves in. The last time we hung out…he had a phone on him…interesting…which I made a comment about saying we cant hang out again until he calls. So in the email I sent him I gave him my number and said he has to call. I then emailed him again asking him what the big deal is.

“I promise not to call you all the time if I have ur number you know...I probably never will...but it would be nice to have once in every blue moon...what r u scared of? Or do you have a girlfriend or wife you are afraid will find out about me?? You make me paranoid.”

And it hit me…what am I doing? I feel gross and ashamed that I have let it go on this long. But what am I to do? I like the way I feel when he is over…I like when I laugh until my sides hurt…we just have so much fun. Its not like he treats me like shit when he is with me…that’s the hard part…. because while he is there…I forget why I get upset and why he makes me sad. Then he leaves…and I feel it all over again. That’s what the problem is at the end of the day…I feel good with him. I guess I just need to realize that maybe my few hours of feeling good are being overridden by the questions I have after.