I was writing an email to a friend tonight and thought I would write some of it on my blog. I know the last few entries I have been down…I use my blog as my journal it helps clear my mind…which is a first for me…since I have never ever been able to have a journal in all the years I’ve tried.
I realized something tonight…as I was trying to explain to my friends… I realized that I have made a lot of progress since moving here...it’s hard to explain. But I’m a different person today then I was a year ago, leaving Atlanta. I can talk to total strangers, and working at LB has MADE me realize that I am beautiful. who cares how much I weight. I do believe that…even if I have had a lapse in judgment the last few days…
A year ago...I was having anxiety attracts about total strangers I would meet. Even when I started meeting people here I had to have a shot before each date or group I met...but now look at me. All these/those awful dates made me stronger. It made me realizes what I want and don’t want in friends...in guys...in people around me. I know people on the outside don’t understand...because I sound so negative here on the blog...but these people/these guys/these dates did make me stronger.
You know, I could never ever tell someone I liked him...because I was afraid of rejection. I needed to go through all these tears this year. I needed to be strong enough to do these things, to be rejected, to be insulted, because its made me stronger...I cry, but it will make me appreciate the nice people that much more...does that make any sense?
Even with Anchorman now...yea I know we are not going anywhere...but I needed him for who and what he is. I never had that before. I never had the flings or the fun...I was always too scared. I’m not looking for Mr. Right...IM looking for Mr. Right now. I want to stop worrying and freaking about all the things I never got to experience and all my friends have.
As I said in a previous post…I’m 28 being 16. I am experiencing so many things for the first time…that others did 12 years ago. That’s my problem…and I need to go through this to get the next step in my life…because I will never be able to regret not living life here in Boston. No matter where this roller coaster of a life I’m living will go… I’m not sure I’m ready to stop…tears, anger, smiles, and kisses. They all matter and mean something somewhere in the saga and chapter of my life.
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