The last few months I realized I am ok… and will be ok if I am single tomorrow or next month or next year. I have been thinking more positive. Its like my weight loss, it has taken me 3-3 1/2 years to lose 55-60 pounds… I feel like the negative thoughts went along with it… I lost a lot of the negative in my head… and I am ok… might just even be great!
I deserve someone who wants to call me… wants to knows me… both for friends and for the maybe’s I might have.
I used to hate myself when I saw pics… but then I think about it… maybe I am ok because I have lost 60 pounds… so they are def connected… the pounds and the worries… I have more confidence in the way I look… or I am getting more confidence everyday. I want to find people in my life that will recognize it and encourage it rather then make me feel bad about myself.
I am cute… not beautiful, but I am def cute… and I deserve someone who makes me feel good about myself.
I have thoughts and feelings and that is more important then what you feel. For the last few months I have realized I am the most important person in my life… me, myself, and I!
If I am not feeling like doing something I don’t. I have realized that this too is ok… sometimes I need more me time then you time. I have bills to pay and sometimes the cost isn’t worth the good time I may have. Sometimes I worked too much and am just exhausted!
I chose the life I am living… working rather then having a family. I know I would like to do both… and have been trying to focus on the family aspect… but at the same time, if it isn’t making me happy, maybe I need to take a break until it is fun again. Then I work tons because its what I know and it is what I feel like I am good at… something I have confidence in. Then I get tired of that… and go back to having fun getting another life going again. It def goes in fazes… all work and no play and then less work and more play. There is the balance thing again…
I think I am getting to the point where I need to go out and have fun again… try once again!
I am great and I hope to find someone who thinks I am great too…
Friday, September 18, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
More Positive!
Crushes huh… I am not sure if I do that anymore… have crushes… I guess the Surfer is a crush… others are maybe’s. It’s hard to explain… but I meet people… and I don’t know… they are single… I am single… and I just wonder. It’s an I don’t know you well enough to like you… so it’s a maybe. Sure he is cute… and can make me laugh… but I just don’t know. Or then there is ‘what do I really have in common with you?’ I spend time with these guys and wonder… what to talk about… how to bring up subjects that aren’t to personal but are more then the weather. I feel like this is it in a nutshell… Not sure how to act… how to act interested but not desperate, how to act interested while keeping in mind… do I really truly “like” this guy or is it because he is a cutey, but could I stand him every day. And then I think again… what would I talk to him about then if it is this hard to talk to him now… rather then when I know everything and run out of things to say.
I have issues with the balance of it all. And just the game it is. How do you show that they are a maybe… without showing to much… without asking them out… how do you wink without looking like there is something wrong with your eye… how do you do it? I get confused… what is the right way? The wrong?
I know that everyone says just do what your gut says… but… what happens when the gut changes by the day… one minute is a def maybe… the day before it was hmmmm… then another day is hells no… while others are just a maybe…
Maybe I am desperate…
Maybe he is?
Maybe he acts like this with everyone…
Maybe it’s all in my head…
Maybe he is thinking eeew what is she doing?
Maybe he is thinking… god would she just leave… and stop talking
Maybe he see’s the twitching I am trying to hide…
Now this isn’t just one guy… this is multiple… which means I am doing ok… cause a lot of people I know are maybe’s. I remember this of friends of my past… the multiple… and only a few developed into anything… and these friends were ok with themselves. Maybe they were better at this then I am… thinking the positive more then the negative. I have been working on the positive!
I have issues with the balance of it all. And just the game it is. How do you show that they are a maybe… without showing to much… without asking them out… how do you wink without looking like there is something wrong with your eye… how do you do it? I get confused… what is the right way? The wrong?
I know that everyone says just do what your gut says… but… what happens when the gut changes by the day… one minute is a def maybe… the day before it was hmmmm… then another day is hells no… while others are just a maybe…
Maybe I am desperate…
Maybe he is?
Maybe he acts like this with everyone…
Maybe it’s all in my head…
Maybe he is thinking eeew what is she doing?
Maybe he is thinking… god would she just leave… and stop talking
Maybe he see’s the twitching I am trying to hide…
Now this isn’t just one guy… this is multiple… which means I am doing ok… cause a lot of people I know are maybe’s. I remember this of friends of my past… the multiple… and only a few developed into anything… and these friends were ok with themselves. Maybe they were better at this then I am… thinking the positive more then the negative. I have been working on the positive!
Monday, September 14, 2009
to much work makes a dull kt!
I have been working tons... and have no Internet on the weekends... so no real dates and no time to blog! I need stuff to blog about! Anyway, I may have some blogs posts that are late getting online... so some of this stuff is here there and everywhere.
I need some stuff to blog about... any ideas? Yikes, I need dates just to fill this in.
I need some stuff to blog about... any ideas? Yikes, I need dates just to fill this in.
Finally Happy!
I had friends come in from out of town the other weekend. It was soooo good to see them... I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time... and I came to the conclusion.... I am ok if others don't like me or if I am not good enough for someone.
As long as I have friends who come to visit, who I visit, why spend time with people who don't want you to be there. I have a hard time giving up... stepping away from a friendship. I try and try... and then get hurt when it isn’t shared... when I am always left wondering... if I had said this instead of that... would I have a better friend then this? Or were they ever really a friend at all?
I just realized I am ok with the people in my life... and I am just going to stop trying so hard... I'll be there as long as they are there for me as well.
I also took a ton of pics of me this weekend, and I didn’t care what I looked like in them, and just let people be snap happy any time they desired. I looked at the pics... and for once I can say I think I might be pretty. Not all are great, but I didn’t look half bad. I could never say I was beautiful or hot... but who cares... I looked happy. I actually looked happy.
As long as I have friends who come to visit, who I visit, why spend time with people who don't want you to be there. I have a hard time giving up... stepping away from a friendship. I try and try... and then get hurt when it isn’t shared... when I am always left wondering... if I had said this instead of that... would I have a better friend then this? Or were they ever really a friend at all?
I just realized I am ok with the people in my life... and I am just going to stop trying so hard... I'll be there as long as they are there for me as well.
I also took a ton of pics of me this weekend, and I didn’t care what I looked like in them, and just let people be snap happy any time they desired. I looked at the pics... and for once I can say I think I might be pretty. Not all are great, but I didn’t look half bad. I could never say I was beautiful or hot... but who cares... I looked happy. I actually looked happy.
What about you?
Think about it... why does being single have to suck? Because people assume that what makes you happy is being with someone else. But does it really have to suck?
But then people say that you have to love yourself to be truly happy.
But how do you know you are ok with yourself? I am sitting at a coffee shop beside this couple. When I first sat down I hear their conversation... I assumed they didn’t know each other very well... the way they responded to one another other. She seemed annoyed with everything he was saying... he sounded like he didn’t know what to talk about so he just kept talking. Until they mention their wedding... hmmm... wedding? And they talk like that to each other? If they asked themselves if they were truly happy right now what would they say? I honestly think about it... I really truly do not think they are.
Now they are talking about moving in together. Arguing... him saying that she doesn’t know how she feels about moving in.
“I'm gonna miss that place...”
“Why.” he asks? “It’s going to be fun! What about missy... you’re going to miss her?"
And then she says, just... stuff... we have no stuff"
Oh my god, it is going on and on... are they really enjoying themselves?
I for once can say I think I am happier right now. I just had as great cup of coffee and my all time favorite breakfast... fruit, yogurt, and granola. I am writing... working... just enjoying my day... honestly. And they are sitting there arguing... discussing... and god it just didn’t sound like either were honestly truly happy?
Why do they think they are happy? Because everyone around them is looking at them and thinking... wow look at that cute couple over there. Ooooh they are planning there wedding... how cute!
But... who the heck cares what that person thinks... They will never see them again... who cares but what you two think... seriously.... who cares but the two of you... what are you feeling right now? Wouldn’t you rather be alone... reading... writing... watching... and listening... rather then arguing, sighing, rolling your eyes, twitching, looking anywhere but at each other. Yea I think I know what I would say!
What about you?
But then people say that you have to love yourself to be truly happy.
But how do you know you are ok with yourself? I am sitting at a coffee shop beside this couple. When I first sat down I hear their conversation... I assumed they didn’t know each other very well... the way they responded to one another other. She seemed annoyed with everything he was saying... he sounded like he didn’t know what to talk about so he just kept talking. Until they mention their wedding... hmmm... wedding? And they talk like that to each other? If they asked themselves if they were truly happy right now what would they say? I honestly think about it... I really truly do not think they are.
Now they are talking about moving in together. Arguing... him saying that she doesn’t know how she feels about moving in.
“I'm gonna miss that place...”
“Why.” he asks? “It’s going to be fun! What about missy... you’re going to miss her?"
And then she says, just... stuff... we have no stuff"
Oh my god, it is going on and on... are they really enjoying themselves?
I for once can say I think I am happier right now. I just had as great cup of coffee and my all time favorite breakfast... fruit, yogurt, and granola. I am writing... working... just enjoying my day... honestly. And they are sitting there arguing... discussing... and god it just didn’t sound like either were honestly truly happy?
Why do they think they are happy? Because everyone around them is looking at them and thinking... wow look at that cute couple over there. Ooooh they are planning there wedding... how cute!
But... who the heck cares what that person thinks... They will never see them again... who cares but what you two think... seriously.... who cares but the two of you... what are you feeling right now? Wouldn’t you rather be alone... reading... writing... watching... and listening... rather then arguing, sighing, rolling your eyes, twitching, looking anywhere but at each other. Yea I think I know what I would say!
What about you?
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
The surfer.
The surfer’s friend called me! Woohoo… ha! I guess he called her right after he had met me… telling her all about me and how cool I was… man I just wish he had called. Anyway, I met up with his friend over coffee one Saturday morning… she was cool… has two young kids… is a stay at home mom at the moment… with a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 month old!
She told me the surfer was 30… man as I said… I wish he would have called me… but she was super cool… so maybe her and I will become friends… like real friends and she can reintroduce me to the surfer…. Hmmm…
I asked her how she had met him… she tells me church. Ok… not sure how I feel about this… I wonder what this means? I asked her about the it… the church… it actually doesn’t sound so bad… it sounded it like the church I went to when I lived in Charlotte… and I started to really enjoy it there… they played a live band… not super Christian music… sure some I love god and god loves me stuff… but not bad… more like Sarah McLaughlin. The friends I made there were great… I haven’t neccesary kept in touch by phone… but we do by facebook. The church was a learning experience, and something I think about from time to time… so I was tempted, am tempted to try it some Sunday morning. She called me the same day I met her… asking me to go the following day… saying she is out of town the next few Sundays, so it won’t be for a few weeks before I could go again. I declined… I wasn’t ready just yet for that.
I kind of want to go… but is it for the right reasons? What if I want to go just to meet new people? And of course see the surfer again. I do want that… but I am still curious about church and god… just because it all confuses me doesn’t mean I don’t wonder…
I feel guilty I guess… as someone who grew up catholic… I do think about the sins and what is considered a sin… do I believe I am really truly sinning? No… but is it ingrained into my head… sure… who grew up catholic and have it not be there… but what if I do meet the surfer again… and the only reason I do is because I went to church… am I lying? I just get confused… what is right here and what is wrong?
I also am afraid that when I do see him… well if I see him again that he won’t be whom I remember. I have built him up to someone who doesn’t exist. Of course I know he was hot… but how hot? Not as hot as I remembered… and then I am scared he is married or happily engaged and then whatever that I have in my head is gone… I kind of like looking for surfers when I drive by at night… is it ever him? Nope… do I want it to be… sure but that also scares the heck out of me now… maybe I am ok never ever seeing him again. Maybe he makes me hope and dream again… and if I see him again my dream is over… I am crazy I know… I just am finally feeling ok with who I am… I ignore that I am I not getting match emails… I am finally feeling like I deserve someone who really likes me… loves me for me. I love that I love to laugh and that I have a great personality… I know that now… and I am enjoying the time I am having alone… when I am out… I listen to some really dumb conversations… some great ones… and some fun ones… but I sat there and thought you know I would rather be alone then sitting there like that girl… the girl who would rather be anywhere but there.
She told me the surfer was 30… man as I said… I wish he would have called me… but she was super cool… so maybe her and I will become friends… like real friends and she can reintroduce me to the surfer…. Hmmm…
I asked her how she had met him… she tells me church. Ok… not sure how I feel about this… I wonder what this means? I asked her about the it… the church… it actually doesn’t sound so bad… it sounded it like the church I went to when I lived in Charlotte… and I started to really enjoy it there… they played a live band… not super Christian music… sure some I love god and god loves me stuff… but not bad… more like Sarah McLaughlin. The friends I made there were great… I haven’t neccesary kept in touch by phone… but we do by facebook. The church was a learning experience, and something I think about from time to time… so I was tempted, am tempted to try it some Sunday morning. She called me the same day I met her… asking me to go the following day… saying she is out of town the next few Sundays, so it won’t be for a few weeks before I could go again. I declined… I wasn’t ready just yet for that.
I kind of want to go… but is it for the right reasons? What if I want to go just to meet new people? And of course see the surfer again. I do want that… but I am still curious about church and god… just because it all confuses me doesn’t mean I don’t wonder…
I feel guilty I guess… as someone who grew up catholic… I do think about the sins and what is considered a sin… do I believe I am really truly sinning? No… but is it ingrained into my head… sure… who grew up catholic and have it not be there… but what if I do meet the surfer again… and the only reason I do is because I went to church… am I lying? I just get confused… what is right here and what is wrong?
I also am afraid that when I do see him… well if I see him again that he won’t be whom I remember. I have built him up to someone who doesn’t exist. Of course I know he was hot… but how hot? Not as hot as I remembered… and then I am scared he is married or happily engaged and then whatever that I have in my head is gone… I kind of like looking for surfers when I drive by at night… is it ever him? Nope… do I want it to be… sure but that also scares the heck out of me now… maybe I am ok never ever seeing him again. Maybe he makes me hope and dream again… and if I see him again my dream is over… I am crazy I know… I just am finally feeling ok with who I am… I ignore that I am I not getting match emails… I am finally feeling like I deserve someone who really likes me… loves me for me. I love that I love to laugh and that I have a great personality… I know that now… and I am enjoying the time I am having alone… when I am out… I listen to some really dumb conversations… some great ones… and some fun ones… but I sat there and thought you know I would rather be alone then sitting there like that girl… the girl who would rather be anywhere but there.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Done I say!
I have been seeing Mr. Friday again. The ironic thing is I stopped seeing him the night before I moved into my old apartment… then the first time I saw him again was right after I moved to the beach. Anyway… we never stopped hanging out for any real reason… except for that he annoyed me and was kind of an ass. So when he didn’t call and I didn’t call him for more then six months… it was just over. As I said, I think I was fine with that… and then he started Iming me a few months ago… and then calling again. I didn’t care, what the heck… I had fun with him most of the time… when I wasn’t in the car with him… or when he wasn’t talking down to some waitress.
We have seen each other every 3 or 4 weeks, he usually starts to annoy me at about hour five… and then I am done for another few weeks. Today, I have had enough. We talked this week, deciding to hang out Friday night… then Friday night arrives and he says that he is to tired and lazy to drive to the beach tonight… I was at work… and would have to go get my car then drive past work to his place… did I mention that he had two days off? So he couldn’t come to me even after I told him about my super shitty week that I had. Instead he says, you are not sounding like you are up to doing anything, call me later after u get home… I didn’t… but then after a few drinks at a bar with a friend… I texted him saying he should come over… now this is 9:30 not midnight!
Saturday morning I awake to a text from him saying he passed out… we talked and he decided to come over for a bit in the afternoon… sure why not right? Nope not a good idea in the least… seeing him in daylight is a lot different then the shadows at the movie theater or under the dining light… anyway that was just one thing to start off the day… then he got mad about one thing after another… to the point where I actually got nervous… and thought to myself… do I really want to be here right now? Do I really want him to be here right now? I could have been having a better time in my own company then listening and dealing with him and his complaints. He said his goodbyes and kissed me on the lips… or was it the cheek… I didn’t take notice… not wanting to roll my eyes… holding back the bile rising in my throat. I am just done!
I need to remind myself in 6 weeks from now about this day… so when I am in need of another "date"… then I remember my annoyance… I am afraid I may forget this… but I can’t anymore… done I say!
We have seen each other every 3 or 4 weeks, he usually starts to annoy me at about hour five… and then I am done for another few weeks. Today, I have had enough. We talked this week, deciding to hang out Friday night… then Friday night arrives and he says that he is to tired and lazy to drive to the beach tonight… I was at work… and would have to go get my car then drive past work to his place… did I mention that he had two days off? So he couldn’t come to me even after I told him about my super shitty week that I had. Instead he says, you are not sounding like you are up to doing anything, call me later after u get home… I didn’t… but then after a few drinks at a bar with a friend… I texted him saying he should come over… now this is 9:30 not midnight!
Saturday morning I awake to a text from him saying he passed out… we talked and he decided to come over for a bit in the afternoon… sure why not right? Nope not a good idea in the least… seeing him in daylight is a lot different then the shadows at the movie theater or under the dining light… anyway that was just one thing to start off the day… then he got mad about one thing after another… to the point where I actually got nervous… and thought to myself… do I really want to be here right now? Do I really want him to be here right now? I could have been having a better time in my own company then listening and dealing with him and his complaints. He said his goodbyes and kissed me on the lips… or was it the cheek… I didn’t take notice… not wanting to roll my eyes… holding back the bile rising in my throat. I am just done!
I need to remind myself in 6 weeks from now about this day… so when I am in need of another "date"… then I remember my annoyance… I am afraid I may forget this… but I can’t anymore… done I say!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Movin' to the beach!
I just moved to the beach… I think I may be in heaven. This is amazing… I love living alone… no one to talk to when I am so tired I can’t even smile. I love waking up at 2am and going to the bathroom with my eyes closed and the bathroom door wide open. I love my cat’s purr as she looks outside the many windows. I love when I walk in the door, she is waiting and the sun is shining. I see light at the end of the tunnel… literally! My living room, kitchen and bedroom have 7 windows total… amazing light! I think I am in love!
I went for a walk last night… on the beach… the sky was a purplish blue-black color and the wind was cold… but it was amazing and beautiful. I walked up the sidewalk… towards the stone fence that blocks the rocks of the beach. It isn’t a beach really… just rocks and water. Honestly I am not sure what the definition of beach is… so if it’s the entire coast then hells… I live right off the beach… but if a beach means white sand and blue water… then I am living far from the beach. Whatever the case… I love the sound of the waves hitting the rocks; I love the smell of the salt in the air…
There were surfers in front of me… what the heck! Surfers… near Boston? Where have I been for three years…. Surfers! And they were near my age… I thought for sure they must be 17-18… but not 30! I mean maybe 25-35… but man it was F-ing COLD… were they nuts? They did have black wet suits on… and I wondered how warm they really were… they were nuts!
I was uncomfortable walking near the small group of guys and a dog. I just walk by and maybe smiled? I walked toward the end of the sidewalk… walking towards two women and another dog… they were watching a group of surfers walking into the waves… I shook my head as I walked up to them saying, “they are crazy… it’s so cold out there!” The lady with the dog said, “Ha! Are you from Texas too?”
We talked then… the three of us… those two a bit older then me… the lady standing on the rock tells me her son was one of the one’s surfing…. He was from New town… I was like what! “I just moved from there!” She finally says, “Ok I better go take a picture… this is why I came… to take a picture.” We said our goodbyes and walked away… I walked around a bit… and then out to the water… watching the surfers… amazed by them and there passion to be out there in that cold cold water…
I stopped next to the lady with the son one more time… we talked about what I did… where we were from… me vt… her visiting her son who just graduated college-she was from Texas… he just got his masters she says… but has started his own landscaping business… was doing good… I imagined some little boy… maybe he resembled my cousbro in st Augustine…. But that is how I imagined him…
I said my goodbyes and walked away… walked near the water down the rocks… away from the surfers…. I sat on the rocks and talked to my mom… watched the coast… watched the lady and her son… I walked some more and stood and watched the cruise ship come out of the harbor… it was funny to see such a ship out there… and I am in Boston not Florida!
As I walked up to the sidewalk… I noticed the lady with her son was just getting into his car. I got this twist in my stomach and I thought about turning around… I did not want to walk up there… he was older then I thought he would be was my first thought… he was using a towel to wipe out his hair… and he just watched me… I was super uncomfortable. and I just smiled and said you are nuts… when he laughed my stomach dropped… he had the best smile… he turns and walks to his truck… I follow since this is the only way to the sidewalk… I see his mom in the truck… I smile and wave… he see’s this and smiles… he stops at his back and says…
“So you just moved here my mom said?”
I said “yea,” he says,
“How long ago?”
“2 weeks”
“Wow, yea you just moved here huh”
“Laugh yup, I love it though!”
“I am MR Surfer by the way”
“I am K”
“Nice to meet you… I have a few married couples friends that live right here… they seem to love it… I should get your number and have them call you.”
He had the best smile and the most AMAZING blue/green eyes… man… why is he talking to me? I thought for sure he was going to be an ass… he was too hot to be anything else…
“Sure,” I say. Shocked.
He goes toward his mom… leans in… with his black sweat suit stretched over his thighs… oh my!” He asks her to find a notepad he has sitting there… a notepad that I have had… an artists notepad… and writes my number… says his friends were super cool… chill… live not to far away. I was trying to hold onto my pure awe of him… not sure how well I did to be honest… as I said, “that would be great!”
He smiles and says I will have them give you a call, there names are Sue and Stan… I smiled and said thanks. He was like, I know what its like to move to a new place… not knowing anyone… I laughed and said yea… I moved 10 miles away from most of my friends and I feel like it’s 100… he laughed and said “I can so see that…”
“Nice to meet you!” I was like nice to meet you too!
Oh my god… my heart was racing… it happened… it has been a long time since that has happened… oh my god…so hot!!!
I hope to god he calls… I have decided to not obsess about it and maybe he will… god maybe he will… I may just have to go back to the beach… watch the surfers more often… maybe there are more cute surfer boys… not to old AND def not to young. Not so far yet.
But man, he was nice! I hope he calls… he prolly has a woman… but as I said… maybe there will be someone else just as nice and just as cute… and make my heart race once again.
I went for a walk last night… on the beach… the sky was a purplish blue-black color and the wind was cold… but it was amazing and beautiful. I walked up the sidewalk… towards the stone fence that blocks the rocks of the beach. It isn’t a beach really… just rocks and water. Honestly I am not sure what the definition of beach is… so if it’s the entire coast then hells… I live right off the beach… but if a beach means white sand and blue water… then I am living far from the beach. Whatever the case… I love the sound of the waves hitting the rocks; I love the smell of the salt in the air…
There were surfers in front of me… what the heck! Surfers… near Boston? Where have I been for three years…. Surfers! And they were near my age… I thought for sure they must be 17-18… but not 30! I mean maybe 25-35… but man it was F-ing COLD… were they nuts? They did have black wet suits on… and I wondered how warm they really were… they were nuts!
I was uncomfortable walking near the small group of guys and a dog. I just walk by and maybe smiled? I walked toward the end of the sidewalk… walking towards two women and another dog… they were watching a group of surfers walking into the waves… I shook my head as I walked up to them saying, “they are crazy… it’s so cold out there!” The lady with the dog said, “Ha! Are you from Texas too?”
We talked then… the three of us… those two a bit older then me… the lady standing on the rock tells me her son was one of the one’s surfing…. He was from New town… I was like what! “I just moved from there!” She finally says, “Ok I better go take a picture… this is why I came… to take a picture.” We said our goodbyes and walked away… I walked around a bit… and then out to the water… watching the surfers… amazed by them and there passion to be out there in that cold cold water…
I stopped next to the lady with the son one more time… we talked about what I did… where we were from… me vt… her visiting her son who just graduated college-she was from Texas… he just got his masters she says… but has started his own landscaping business… was doing good… I imagined some little boy… maybe he resembled my cousbro in st Augustine…. But that is how I imagined him…
I said my goodbyes and walked away… walked near the water down the rocks… away from the surfers…. I sat on the rocks and talked to my mom… watched the coast… watched the lady and her son… I walked some more and stood and watched the cruise ship come out of the harbor… it was funny to see such a ship out there… and I am in Boston not Florida!
As I walked up to the sidewalk… I noticed the lady with her son was just getting into his car. I got this twist in my stomach and I thought about turning around… I did not want to walk up there… he was older then I thought he would be was my first thought… he was using a towel to wipe out his hair… and he just watched me… I was super uncomfortable. and I just smiled and said you are nuts… when he laughed my stomach dropped… he had the best smile… he turns and walks to his truck… I follow since this is the only way to the sidewalk… I see his mom in the truck… I smile and wave… he see’s this and smiles… he stops at his back and says…
“So you just moved here my mom said?”
I said “yea,” he says,
“How long ago?”
“2 weeks”
“Wow, yea you just moved here huh”
“Laugh yup, I love it though!”
“I am MR Surfer by the way”
“I am K”
“Nice to meet you… I have a few married couples friends that live right here… they seem to love it… I should get your number and have them call you.”
He had the best smile and the most AMAZING blue/green eyes… man… why is he talking to me? I thought for sure he was going to be an ass… he was too hot to be anything else…
“Sure,” I say. Shocked.
He goes toward his mom… leans in… with his black sweat suit stretched over his thighs… oh my!” He asks her to find a notepad he has sitting there… a notepad that I have had… an artists notepad… and writes my number… says his friends were super cool… chill… live not to far away. I was trying to hold onto my pure awe of him… not sure how well I did to be honest… as I said, “that would be great!”
He smiles and says I will have them give you a call, there names are Sue and Stan… I smiled and said thanks. He was like, I know what its like to move to a new place… not knowing anyone… I laughed and said yea… I moved 10 miles away from most of my friends and I feel like it’s 100… he laughed and said “I can so see that…”
“Nice to meet you!” I was like nice to meet you too!
Oh my god… my heart was racing… it happened… it has been a long time since that has happened… oh my god…so hot!!!
I hope to god he calls… I have decided to not obsess about it and maybe he will… god maybe he will… I may just have to go back to the beach… watch the surfers more often… maybe there are more cute surfer boys… not to old AND def not to young. Not so far yet.
But man, he was nice! I hope he calls… he prolly has a woman… but as I said… maybe there will be someone else just as nice and just as cute… and make my heart race once again.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Home is where the heart
My 5 resolutions this were:
1. Be happy!
2. Smile everyday
3. Gym 2-4 times a week
4. Keep losing weight
5. Enjoy being single… learn to live life with no regrets.
Hmm am I doing these? I think so actually… I have had a pretty good year so far. I haven’t been dating… so I haven’t been worrying about that… so that is one thing… so that means I answered number 1 + 5. I def smile everyday (2)… even if I have to smoke to prove it. As for as losing weight and gym…. I have been working on it… that I might not hit the gym…. I do do exercise…. And I did join the biggest loser contest at the gym!
I went to a sort of impromptu 9-year reunion last weekend. It was fun… and great to see everyone’s smiling faces. I love remembering how we used to be… how things have changed but also had stayed the same.
I talked about my job… since that is the first thing everyone asks. What do I say? How it’s so great to even have one in these rough times. That it sucks some days so much I want to walk back… and get in my silver jetta… and drive right to Vermont. Leave my attic room goodbye and never look back. Maybe I would be ok with that… maybe that my dream of an amazing job with an amazing family at home is more then working with universal or jet blue… its just about being happy and respected. Maybe going home on time to a family who loves me… maybe that is ok… maybe its ok to say my dreams have changed, but I guess that is the thing isn’t it? How can I do that with no family? Why leave early when I have no one to leave early for? Everyone knows this… everyone knows that I don’t… so my work is my life.
No one asks you how your friends are? I was just thinking about catching up with people… and honestly? What do I say? I’m not going to say oh yea the other day I found out two of my friends are having an affair? Who cares? Or that my cousin makes me want to shake her like you would a crying child. I am not going to say… yea I come home to an attic room… a room that is just mine and my cats. Do you know what cat litter close up smells like… no matter how clean your cat is… you in a nutshell have your cat’s bathroom right in your room… your life is in this one little room.
What else do I have? Friends? Hmm… yea I hung out with my roommate the other day and went to the mall… found Ann Taylor Jeans for 11.95! I mean who cares right?
But my job… now that at least I know something about. I won’t say that I am dismissed everyday… I won’t talk about respect and day-to-day stuff. I’ll just say I am living my dream! Designing for Universal… for Dunkin Donuts… I mean come on! The 22-year-old interns are envious of me… and all I want to do is go home. But hey… they are national clients… no job is perfect! That’s why we call it work!
I said in my college graduation that my dream was to be working with national clients. I never thought about how I would feel once I got there. That I still feel like a nobody… that I just want to go home.
Home is where the heart is after all.
1. Be happy!
2. Smile everyday
3. Gym 2-4 times a week
4. Keep losing weight
5. Enjoy being single… learn to live life with no regrets.
Hmm am I doing these? I think so actually… I have had a pretty good year so far. I haven’t been dating… so I haven’t been worrying about that… so that is one thing… so that means I answered number 1 + 5. I def smile everyday (2)… even if I have to smoke to prove it. As for as losing weight and gym…. I have been working on it… that I might not hit the gym…. I do do exercise…. And I did join the biggest loser contest at the gym!
I went to a sort of impromptu 9-year reunion last weekend. It was fun… and great to see everyone’s smiling faces. I love remembering how we used to be… how things have changed but also had stayed the same.
I talked about my job… since that is the first thing everyone asks. What do I say? How it’s so great to even have one in these rough times. That it sucks some days so much I want to walk back… and get in my silver jetta… and drive right to Vermont. Leave my attic room goodbye and never look back. Maybe I would be ok with that… maybe that my dream of an amazing job with an amazing family at home is more then working with universal or jet blue… its just about being happy and respected. Maybe going home on time to a family who loves me… maybe that is ok… maybe its ok to say my dreams have changed, but I guess that is the thing isn’t it? How can I do that with no family? Why leave early when I have no one to leave early for? Everyone knows this… everyone knows that I don’t… so my work is my life.
No one asks you how your friends are? I was just thinking about catching up with people… and honestly? What do I say? I’m not going to say oh yea the other day I found out two of my friends are having an affair? Who cares? Or that my cousin makes me want to shake her like you would a crying child. I am not going to say… yea I come home to an attic room… a room that is just mine and my cats. Do you know what cat litter close up smells like… no matter how clean your cat is… you in a nutshell have your cat’s bathroom right in your room… your life is in this one little room.
What else do I have? Friends? Hmm… yea I hung out with my roommate the other day and went to the mall… found Ann Taylor Jeans for 11.95! I mean who cares right?
But my job… now that at least I know something about. I won’t say that I am dismissed everyday… I won’t talk about respect and day-to-day stuff. I’ll just say I am living my dream! Designing for Universal… for Dunkin Donuts… I mean come on! The 22-year-old interns are envious of me… and all I want to do is go home. But hey… they are national clients… no job is perfect! That’s why we call it work!
I said in my college graduation that my dream was to be working with national clients. I never thought about how I would feel once I got there. That I still feel like a nobody… that I just want to go home.
Home is where the heart is after all.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Is that so bad?
I watched the movie Two Lovers tonight... it was a free one so why not? Made me think...
Summary from IMDB.com
Two Lovers is a romantic drama set in New York City. It tells the story of Leonard (Joaquin Phoenix), an attractive but depressed young man who moves back in with his parents following a recent heartbreak. An aspiring photographer, Leonard works part-time at his father's dry-cleaners. His concerned parents try to set him up with Sandra (Vinessa Shaw), the sweet and caring daughter of a close family friend. A big family dinner serves as their introduction and Leonard arranges to see her again. Then late one night Leonard looks out his bedroom window and notices a ravishing young woman he's never seen before. Michelle (Gwyneth Paltrow) recently moved into an apartment in his family's building - an apartment paid for by the wealthy married man she's seeing.
It made me think about love and marriage, what's real and what isn't? I've know people who have affairs... what does that mean about them? the significant other? the other woman? I mean how can the person(he) cheat? He lives two lives I suppose... and what about the other person? Is the other woman so weak she can't live without him... or is that person just doing what he is... living their own lives... together and happy... who cares that when he goes home he is going to another bed... as long as you don't think about it to much then all is good right? Maybe he tells her he loves her and he will leave his family for her... I then wonder about the wife... what does she know but keeps hidden... afraid of what the truth will tell her... or does she just love him that much? Maybe its enough?
In this movie... the Two Lovers, had a the other woman, the husband, the guy who loves the other woman, and the girl who loves that man.
I could see myself in the the girl who loves that man... she was the girl who is forgotten... who is misplaced... who is the fall back girl. I wonder if she knew he was taken... not married... but taken because he was always somewheres else when he was with her... when his heart gets broken... you are the one he will turn to. Is that ok? He must love you somewhat... enough to live with you the rest of his life. But is that so bad? Isn't a long love that is comfortable and balanced better then passion and fights and tears?
I was upset at the end... thinking how she has no clue that the ring he buys her is really meant for someone else. She thinks his tears are for her rather then the for someone else.
He must care enough about her to marry her... I keep going back to... he likes spending time with her... or how else could he do what he is doing? He must grow to love her, and if so... is that ok?
All of them settled... If I was her... would it be ok that he settled with me... as long as we are happy and loved life...
Summary from IMDB.com
Two Lovers is a romantic drama set in New York City. It tells the story of Leonard (Joaquin Phoenix), an attractive but depressed young man who moves back in with his parents following a recent heartbreak. An aspiring photographer, Leonard works part-time at his father's dry-cleaners. His concerned parents try to set him up with Sandra (Vinessa Shaw), the sweet and caring daughter of a close family friend. A big family dinner serves as their introduction and Leonard arranges to see her again. Then late one night Leonard looks out his bedroom window and notices a ravishing young woman he's never seen before. Michelle (Gwyneth Paltrow) recently moved into an apartment in his family's building - an apartment paid for by the wealthy married man she's seeing.
It made me think about love and marriage, what's real and what isn't? I've know people who have affairs... what does that mean about them? the significant other? the other woman? I mean how can the person(he) cheat? He lives two lives I suppose... and what about the other person? Is the other woman so weak she can't live without him... or is that person just doing what he is... living their own lives... together and happy... who cares that when he goes home he is going to another bed... as long as you don't think about it to much then all is good right? Maybe he tells her he loves her and he will leave his family for her... I then wonder about the wife... what does she know but keeps hidden... afraid of what the truth will tell her... or does she just love him that much? Maybe its enough?
In this movie... the Two Lovers, had a the other woman, the husband, the guy who loves the other woman, and the girl who loves that man.
I could see myself in the the girl who loves that man... she was the girl who is forgotten... who is misplaced... who is the fall back girl. I wonder if she knew he was taken... not married... but taken because he was always somewheres else when he was with her... when his heart gets broken... you are the one he will turn to. Is that ok? He must love you somewhat... enough to live with you the rest of his life. But is that so bad? Isn't a long love that is comfortable and balanced better then passion and fights and tears?
I was upset at the end... thinking how she has no clue that the ring he buys her is really meant for someone else. She thinks his tears are for her rather then the for someone else.
He must care enough about her to marry her... I keep going back to... he likes spending time with her... or how else could he do what he is doing? He must grow to love her, and if so... is that ok?
All of them settled... If I was her... would it be ok that he settled with me... as long as we are happy and loved life...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Not so crazy
I went out last night with a crazy blind date guy. He forgot until I sent the "I'm late text!" Oh well he was nice to come even though he had been asleep when he got the reminder. We were very different... not in a bad or good way... just different culturally. He isn't my usual... but he wasn't bad either. We exchanged numbers and talked about hanging out again sometime. Not sure what that means... I am not sure either one of us knows... he did walk me to my car at the end of the drinks... was super sweet.
Not much new besides that. I have been trying to meet new people... going out with friends and whatnot... but at times its always the same ol same ol... and no one new comes around... I have decided to just have a nice time and not worry if this is the night I might meet the next cutie.
I am not doing so good at the gym resolution. In other words I need to getta move on! Literally!! My goal is 304 times this week before I hit Atlanta... then I need to just eat OK rather then go hog wild while away!
Keeping busy is my motto for the next few weeks... get me through the winter dep that can hit! Happy and busy = me!
Not much new besides that. I have been trying to meet new people... going out with friends and whatnot... but at times its always the same ol same ol... and no one new comes around... I have decided to just have a nice time and not worry if this is the night I might meet the next cutie.
I am not doing so good at the gym resolution. In other words I need to getta move on! Literally!! My goal is 304 times this week before I hit Atlanta... then I need to just eat OK rather then go hog wild while away!
Keeping busy is my motto for the next few weeks... get me through the winter dep that can hit! Happy and busy = me!
Monday, January 26, 2009
I'm done!
I have def been trying to go out more... meet new people. It has been fun at times and other times, the drama can be annoying. When you meet people... you know that everyone there is there to meet others as well. As I meet new people, it can be frustrating because I feel like I am back in high school. I guess I feel like I am 30 and been through this before. I am not in the mood to do this all over again 15 years later. I know who I am and what interests me... so why do I feel like this? I guess its the problem I have rather then others. I see people and only expect the best... and not everyone is really doing what they do with best intentions... they are there to have fun... whatever way that may be. As I look around the bars or parties I think about that... and I guess that is what you see in the movies and on TV... people having fun... and if they are bored they figure out a way to have fun... whatever that may entail.
I have had a rough few weeks... work... friends... family. Not much is going right to be honest... and what do I do about it? I could lie in bed with my heated blanket over my head or I could just keep on moving. I went to the mountains this weekend... I sat around with my mom and just had a nice relaxing time. I didn't have to talk to anyone... or see anyone... it was the best place for me to be. I have had time to think... the good and the ugly... which can be good and bad. I came to a lot of conclusions, one is not taking people's BS anymore. I guess its more that the BS is what they do when they want to have fun or the be in power. I let people walk over me...
I have hit a wall though... I can't do it anymore. Has anyone seen the movie "Run, Fat Boy, Run"? Well in the movie they mention hitting a wall when running and your body just stops... you literally feel like you have hit a wall. That is me... I am done being nice to people. Sure, I am not going to be a bitch... more that I am not giving anyone the time of day until they give me the same.
I am amazed that people can do things to hurt other people. If they are being catty and talking about someone behind there back... or if they are lieing to get attention... or maybe they are laughing right in your face and you allow it to happen... over and over again. That is, until my bright red wall that I just hit... with bright white letters that say in all caps STOP!
No more feeling like shit because someone is telling stories about me to anyone who will listen. I am 30 not 13 and want to live my life for what is important... nothing more... nothing less... because who is the most important person in my life? that is right... me... and I am going to live for me and me only...
OK... I am going off on tangents and am not sure what I am trying to say... more that I am standing up straight and am not looking back or down ever again.
I have had a rough few weeks... work... friends... family. Not much is going right to be honest... and what do I do about it? I could lie in bed with my heated blanket over my head or I could just keep on moving. I went to the mountains this weekend... I sat around with my mom and just had a nice relaxing time. I didn't have to talk to anyone... or see anyone... it was the best place for me to be. I have had time to think... the good and the ugly... which can be good and bad. I came to a lot of conclusions, one is not taking people's BS anymore. I guess its more that the BS is what they do when they want to have fun or the be in power. I let people walk over me...
I have hit a wall though... I can't do it anymore. Has anyone seen the movie "Run, Fat Boy, Run"? Well in the movie they mention hitting a wall when running and your body just stops... you literally feel like you have hit a wall. That is me... I am done being nice to people. Sure, I am not going to be a bitch... more that I am not giving anyone the time of day until they give me the same.
I am amazed that people can do things to hurt other people. If they are being catty and talking about someone behind there back... or if they are lieing to get attention... or maybe they are laughing right in your face and you allow it to happen... over and over again. That is, until my bright red wall that I just hit... with bright white letters that say in all caps STOP!
No more feeling like shit because someone is telling stories about me to anyone who will listen. I am 30 not 13 and want to live my life for what is important... nothing more... nothing less... because who is the most important person in my life? that is right... me... and I am going to live for me and me only...
OK... I am going off on tangents and am not sure what I am trying to say... more that I am standing up straight and am not looking back or down ever again.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
30 and loving it!
I never did hear back from Mr Joe... the guy from last Saturday night... he texted me something mid week which didn't make sense, so I texted a huh? He followed with a "sorry, was deleting old texts and must have clicked send." and that was all folks!
Its fine... I wasn't feeling it either way... but he was divorced and had a son... he talked some about her... the ex... and it was interesting... because truth be told... I was his ex! Obviously not literally... but she was a designer too... and she was liked to move around... after a few years she gets restless. That scared me some... not that there was something wrong with her... it was more that maybe I wasn't right for him... Mr Joe that is. I would have reminded him of his ex and that would not be good... for either of us.
I have been thinking about my crush and just single guys in general. When you meet someone off the Internet... you KNOW its a date. You are both looking for the same thing. But when you meet someone through friends or through work... how do you show that you could be interested without being to obvious? I don't want to be desperate and needy... and I don't want to be talked about behind my back. I know it happens... as it happens with friends... but I am interested but I am not desperate. I feel like if someone wants me they can come and get me. But then I wonder when I do this... will he think I am not interested at all? SO what is that fine line? Because I don't want to overwhelm and look like an ass and at the same time if some single guy is shy I don't show enough interest... he may think I'm just not all that into him!
So... just a thought I've had in general these days... I guess because I am trying to not worry about meeting the perfect guy right now... I just want to have fun with it... I am trying to live up to my resolutions and really just enjoy being me and single. 30 and loving it! I guess as it always has... I worry about people thinking I'm to much of a flirt or just worry about people laughing at me... I hate that I care... but somehow I do!
Its fine... I wasn't feeling it either way... but he was divorced and had a son... he talked some about her... the ex... and it was interesting... because truth be told... I was his ex! Obviously not literally... but she was a designer too... and she was liked to move around... after a few years she gets restless. That scared me some... not that there was something wrong with her... it was more that maybe I wasn't right for him... Mr Joe that is. I would have reminded him of his ex and that would not be good... for either of us.
I have been thinking about my crush and just single guys in general. When you meet someone off the Internet... you KNOW its a date. You are both looking for the same thing. But when you meet someone through friends or through work... how do you show that you could be interested without being to obvious? I don't want to be desperate and needy... and I don't want to be talked about behind my back. I know it happens... as it happens with friends... but I am interested but I am not desperate. I feel like if someone wants me they can come and get me. But then I wonder when I do this... will he think I am not interested at all? SO what is that fine line? Because I don't want to overwhelm and look like an ass and at the same time if some single guy is shy I don't show enough interest... he may think I'm just not all that into him!
So... just a thought I've had in general these days... I guess because I am trying to not worry about meeting the perfect guy right now... I just want to have fun with it... I am trying to live up to my resolutions and really just enjoy being me and single. 30 and loving it! I guess as it always has... I worry about people thinking I'm to much of a flirt or just worry about people laughing at me... I hate that I care... but somehow I do!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Fun!
Yikes, I do have a slight crush! What the heck... I like it and the feelings... but then at the same time I hate it... I hate not knowing and assuming things... either for or against...
I did meet someone new tonight. We have been emailing and talking on the phone for the last 6 weeks or so. We were suppose to meet a few times... but his power went out and then with the Holidays it just never happened. He was cute... and nice... and smart. He is a dad which is fine... he didn't pay though for the pizza. It wasn't that much and he didn't offer to pick up the tab. I am not sure how I feel about that... but he is a fellow Vermonter and even lived in the town over from me for a few college years. So he was nice... will he call?
I am trying to play it cool this year... and enjoy my slight little crush and have fun going on dates... meeting new people... seeing who is out there. People are right... honestly there is not rush... just have fun... my new motto! for tonight anyway!
I did meet someone new tonight. We have been emailing and talking on the phone for the last 6 weeks or so. We were suppose to meet a few times... but his power went out and then with the Holidays it just never happened. He was cute... and nice... and smart. He is a dad which is fine... he didn't pay though for the pizza. It wasn't that much and he didn't offer to pick up the tab. I am not sure how I feel about that... but he is a fellow Vermonter and even lived in the town over from me for a few college years. So he was nice... will he call?
I am trying to play it cool this year... and enjoy my slight little crush and have fun going on dates... meeting new people... seeing who is out there. People are right... honestly there is not rush... just have fun... my new motto! for tonight anyway!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Drink
I think I might have had to much to drink... and it was only 2.5! I am such a light weight! I think I might have a slight crush! Yea I think I have more of those then not these days... but... my heart does the pitter patter when I see him or hear about him... I'm dumb and never think he would be all that interested... so instead I smile and think about just having fun... does he know? does he care? I guess who knows!
Since turning 30 I wonder how old people are... hmmm... do I do this since turning 30 or before... yea I think before turning this ripe old age... I wonder how old people are... like my pharmacist... he is HOT!! and he remembers me! This is Target... how can he remember me everytime? Seriously? Hmmm... he sure is a hotty too! I just wonder how old... hmmm...
I am trying really hard to enjoy single life... but I feel old sometimes... tonight I didn't... but usually its the case! Anyway... wanted to give a somewhat of an update... this will have to do if nothing else!
Since turning 30 I wonder how old people are... hmmm... do I do this since turning 30 or before... yea I think before turning this ripe old age... I wonder how old people are... like my pharmacist... he is HOT!! and he remembers me! This is Target... how can he remember me everytime? Seriously? Hmmm... he sure is a hotty too! I just wonder how old... hmmm...
I am trying really hard to enjoy single life... but I feel old sometimes... tonight I didn't... but usually its the case! Anyway... wanted to give a somewhat of an update... this will have to do if nothing else!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
2009 Resolutions
Its 2009! It has been a rough holiday for me emotionally… I have never been bothered much about the Holidays… but this year… every kiss and smile I saw made me more sad then happy. I am happy because everyone around me is that way… just maybe a little envious and a little jealous. It feels like everyone around me is getting engaged, married, or having baby’s…. which is great! Just makes me wonder what will happen if I never get the chance?
I have been thinking a lot lately about moving back to Vermont… I am home sick… wanting the slower pace of life. But I spent the last 10 days… and I worry that I will move home and wake up at 50 with a 75 year old mom, 3 cats and two dogs. I just worry that I wont do more… I have done the career route… and now I am ready for the motherhood and marriage. I feel like Rachel from Friends when she turned 30 or 35… she had a list of when she would be married and have kids… and I have had that as every girl I know has… but mine changes every year… as I get way past the age of no return!
I am not making any decisions… just think about moving home and how that would be… realistically this time… go with my brain and heart rather then on an angry whim.
So… I am just being me… and my 5 resolutions this year are:
1. Be happy!
2. Smile everyday
3. Gym 2-4 times a week
4. Keep losing weight
5. Enjoy being single… learn to live life with no regrets.
I have been thinking a lot lately about moving back to Vermont… I am home sick… wanting the slower pace of life. But I spent the last 10 days… and I worry that I will move home and wake up at 50 with a 75 year old mom, 3 cats and two dogs. I just worry that I wont do more… I have done the career route… and now I am ready for the motherhood and marriage. I feel like Rachel from Friends when she turned 30 or 35… she had a list of when she would be married and have kids… and I have had that as every girl I know has… but mine changes every year… as I get way past the age of no return!
I am not making any decisions… just think about moving home and how that would be… realistically this time… go with my brain and heart rather then on an angry whim.
So… I am just being me… and my 5 resolutions this year are:
1. Be happy!
2. Smile everyday
3. Gym 2-4 times a week
4. Keep losing weight
5. Enjoy being single… learn to live life with no regrets.
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