The surfer’s friend called me! Woohoo… ha! I guess he called her right after he had met me… telling her all about me and how cool I was… man I just wish he had called. Anyway, I met up with his friend over coffee one Saturday morning… she was cool… has two young kids… is a stay at home mom at the moment… with a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 month old!
She told me the surfer was 30… man as I said… I wish he would have called me… but she was super cool… so maybe her and I will become friends… like real friends and she can reintroduce me to the surfer…. Hmmm…
I asked her how she had met him… she tells me church. Ok… not sure how I feel about this… I wonder what this means? I asked her about the it… the church… it actually doesn’t sound so bad… it sounded it like the church I went to when I lived in Charlotte… and I started to really enjoy it there… they played a live band… not super Christian music… sure some I love god and god loves me stuff… but not bad… more like Sarah McLaughlin. The friends I made there were great… I haven’t neccesary kept in touch by phone… but we do by facebook. The church was a learning experience, and something I think about from time to time… so I was tempted, am tempted to try it some Sunday morning. She called me the same day I met her… asking me to go the following day… saying she is out of town the next few Sundays, so it won’t be for a few weeks before I could go again. I declined… I wasn’t ready just yet for that.
I kind of want to go… but is it for the right reasons? What if I want to go just to meet new people? And of course see the surfer again. I do want that… but I am still curious about church and god… just because it all confuses me doesn’t mean I don’t wonder…
I feel guilty I guess… as someone who grew up catholic… I do think about the sins and what is considered a sin… do I believe I am really truly sinning? No… but is it ingrained into my head… sure… who grew up catholic and have it not be there… but what if I do meet the surfer again… and the only reason I do is because I went to church… am I lying? I just get confused… what is right here and what is wrong?
I also am afraid that when I do see him… well if I see him again that he won’t be whom I remember. I have built him up to someone who doesn’t exist. Of course I know he was hot… but how hot? Not as hot as I remembered… and then I am scared he is married or happily engaged and then whatever that I have in my head is gone… I kind of like looking for surfers when I drive by at night… is it ever him? Nope… do I want it to be… sure but that also scares the heck out of me now… maybe I am ok never ever seeing him again. Maybe he makes me hope and dream again… and if I see him again my dream is over… I am crazy I know… I just am finally feeling ok with who I am… I ignore that I am I not getting match emails… I am finally feeling like I deserve someone who really likes me… loves me for me. I love that I love to laugh and that I have a great personality… I know that now… and I am enjoying the time I am having alone… when I am out… I listen to some really dumb conversations… some great ones… and some fun ones… but I sat there and thought you know I would rather be alone then sitting there like that girl… the girl who would rather be anywhere but there.
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