Well I had my birthday...I survived...with a some battle scars and all. It was a pretty good one...minus being one year older...and one year closer to something greater and better...hopefully.
I was sad and down...though...it was the worst feeling I have had yet...I thought 27 was bad...but 29 beat that hands down. I had a friend tell me that I do this every year...and hell maybe I do...I mean after 21 u look forward to what? reaching old age? I mean after 21 you really looking forward to moments in time rather then birth-dates and years.
You look forward to graduations...and weddings...first kisses and babies...
Its always about something...and I guess I need another something. My brother is getting married in June...so do I look forward to that or dread it...maybe a little bit of both? I am so happy for him...and I love his fiancé...she is the sister I never had...minus my cousin. BUT...he is 3 years younger and so much more ahead of me. In some ways I suppose I am def. still his big sister...but still.
I think about all these things...and the things I want and cant have. The things Im not sure I do want but just tell myself I do. But, I do want life...and to be healthy and keep my mom close to me for ever. BUT then, I get the dreaded email:
MY step mom's tumor in her lungs have grown...and she has a new one in her liver...
So back to reality...but what is that really? Do I take what she is going through as a slap in the face...eliminate all the people who are harmful to me...cause I do have a few...that hurt and bruise more then make me happy. Do I say goodbye once and for all...and live my life to the fullest...
OR does it make me think about life and what it has to offer...cause what do I have to offer? I have some good friends...but some days Im soooo lonely. My mom got me a cat for my birthday...its nice to have her here...waiting for me. BUT...who/what else. I kind of dread the weekends lately...cause what am I going to do? Who will I call? Maybe that summer is kind of over...things will slow down and more people will have time for more gatherings...and football will surely help. I am sad about a room-ate that I thought was a friend who I weekly fight with and who I dread seeing his shake of his head. I just want more from my life...I guess I just need to figure out what that is. I realized that I may be more tired when I worked weekends at Lane Bryant...but I did feel better about myself. I feel like Im pretty and appreciated...I forget what Anchorman said to me...and the shakes of the heads...and the pity from some eyes. I forget that some/most guys wont look twice at me let alone once. I realize I am pretty great...and once again go back to eliminating the evil in my life...the toxic...or is it me? Maybe I just need to learn to deal with people better. Maybe the more I can deal better and brush off what people say...maybe then I can accept who I am.
I am starting to confuse myself...I just know that after my birthday and after Mary...that maybe I need to do something better for my life...say goodbye to the doormat and say hello...say hello to who I really am.
I need to date guys who I like as much as they like me. I like guys most of the time...most of the time meet them for the famous first date...more because they asked...did/do I really want to? Or do I want the attention...so I am def. more selective these days...or am I?
3 comments:
This was a very sad entry. There are lots of things to look forward to in your life. Vacations. Parties. Spending time with friends. Camping. A delicious meal. It doesn't have to be big stuff. Just because your brother is getting married doesn't mean he is ahead of you. It is silly to compare yourself to others. You seem prone to pity parties. Don't fall into that trap. Enjoy the rest of the year as much as possible.
What happened w/ ur roommate? :(
Disagreements with people are normal–you shouldn't fall into a loop of questioning everything just because you had a disagreement with someone.
You keep looking externally for happiness– guys, events, jobs...you keep thinking that the next big change will 'fix' everything.
You need to work on you–liking you, doing what you want to do, being who you want to be. If the people around you aren't letting you do that, then ditch them. Don't try to appease, don't try to compare, and don't get so tied up in your past mistakes that you make new ones as a result.
You said it yourself, you're making progress, going to the gym, eating healthy, have a good job...so take stock of that when you feel down, and keep your focus.
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