Thursday, July 26, 2007
Lonely
I just walked in...a late night for me...it was fun to hang out with some work people. I am so used to NOT hanging out with them after hours...its taboo...but my new place is more social...more active...it was nice.
I walked into my house tonight though to find that I had a small package come in the mail...it was from my time in Charlotte NC...I had left behind some photo's of my dads wedding. Wow it kind of hurt to look at them...I couldn't stop the tears from running down my cheeks...Mary looks SOOO young...compared to today. The gray hair that is from the stress of the last month or so...not including that she will be loosing what little she has in the next few weeks.
I had a hard time dealing with my dads marriage to Mary...it was kind of complicated and a family battle...but somewhere along the line/time...something else grew. I knew Mary ALL MY LIFE AS ONE PERSON AND THEN TO BE TOLD she is someone else now was a hard transition for me...for everyone. I have grown to love her though...in the last few years she has come to mean something to all of our lives...and no one is perfect...we all have our faults including her...including me. But I do love her...
I see Mary and I think how you never know what tomorrow brings...so really live and love for today...but then why do I feel so lonely? I think about all the people in my life...and I am not sure who I have. I do have some friends that have really been there for me that I didn't expect to be...more because I just haven't had a reason to be that close to them in the past. But then I feel like I'm more lonely now then ever. I really am not sure who I can talk to about my emotions...and even just to say hi. My mom is the only one who I can call now when I am in hysterics over someone I love breaking away from me. I have so many things that I have been keeping to myself the last few months...to not want people to know how I am feeling...maybe I don't want to admit it to myself...maybe I don't want to burden someone else with my little problems...problems that I have brought onto myself...but its my life...and its my heart...whatever happens happens. As long as I live for today...and NOT tomorrow.
On a side not: Mary is doing well...better then I thought on sunday...She is doing great my dad says, she started radiation on tuesday and my dad said she has been acting herself...that she is being sarcastic and even has more energy. I hope...pray...that this is something great that will kill the tumors once and for all.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Can we make it all stop?
My step mom is sick...she has cancer...brain and lungs. She had brain surgery 5 weeks ago where they removed 3 golf size tumors...but they have found 4 more small ones. She is different...she is usually the person that never stops talking...she is the life of the party. But this trip she isn't like that. She is quiet and subdued...telling me things once and then again an hour later. She cant find the right words and mixes up things like month and days...she will say that the she dog sat for months when she really meant days. She will say years when she means months. This is just a little example of how things have changed. It scares the shit out of me...and makes me sad. I am dealing with it the best way I know how. But I wish I could fix it all...cause I hate to see my dad in the situation let alone Mary. I just wish I could flick my nose and let things be known and better.
I keep thinking about my dating and guys and it is so small and little compared to life and death. BUT...then it makes you want to live life literally to the fullest. That you shouldn't hold anything back because you never know what will happen tomorrow. I mean I saw my family at beginning of May...and you would have never in a million years think that this would happen two months later...It just puts in perspective my life and what to do with it.
My dad brought her to Mexico to try and give her all natural remedy's while at the same time they are fighting the cancer in chemical terms as well. She is doing radiation and chemo...and all natural...and eating a diet that should be all organic. Makes you wonder if its working at all...maybe it will...but what if its all having a negative reaction because she is taking way to much. I know I am being my usual paranoid self. BUT, I am sitting here watching her sleep...and I am not sure what to do with myself except to write about this somewhere...anywhere. I don't want to burden friends by talking about something that might be a Debbie downer moment. SO I am burdening this blog...and getting it off my chest finally since I heard about it 6 weeks ago and cried for 2 hours straight.
I just hope it turns out OK...but I just don't know. The person I know is gone...will she be back? I don't know and I guess I don't care as long as she can make it through this. She has SUCH high spirits and positive thoughts. I think she is dealing with it better then anyone...she just keeps on smiling.
She has been told to eat all organics and natural foods...and you know if does make you wonder why isn't all of the world eating like this? She cant use a microwave...she isn't allowed to have any sugar because sugars makes the tumors feed off each other. I saw something in a book recently about how is it that when you go to any zoo...you see signs that say "Please do not feed animals your food...it may kill them." So human food might kill an ape has similar organs...but its OK for us to consume. Yea, it has put on perspective of how unhealthy we all are...and makes me want to eat more and more organic foods...and veggies...and fruits...less of the store bought box stuff. What am I consuming when I put in my mouth? What if we all did this diet...would cancer stop? I really do wonder how much of cancer is about the foods we put into out mouths...all the chemicals that we consume...all the pesticides we inhale...even water nowadays have something or other to make us drink more whatever...something to make us even "healthier" by putting in so called vitamins and minerals...and oh yea we made it from fruit too...so now u can get calcium and vitamin C too. but can you? Can you really? BUT can we make it stop? all of it?
AND then this makes me wonder about it all being a conspiracy. Hmmm...so all the food people are making money buy making things sooo god damn good that people cant but help to buy the food...even if it is poisoning us. And then this happens...and then medical companies and pharmaceuticals make money by giving us drugs that aren't really helping...but that are making money. All of it a money game. How the hell can they have gone this far to with computers and Internet...and with all the other things that have advanced in the last 25 years...and how the HELL can they not have a cure yet. I don't know and I am not saying its true...I just wonder if this isn't all a way to make money not to save the world. That its all a cycle...that is way to deep to make it stop.
Anyway...this is hard and I am not sure how to deal with it all at the moment... except do what I can do and be there when it is needed... I just wish I could be here more...or that I could just make it all stop.
I keep thinking about my dating and guys and it is so small and little compared to life and death. BUT...then it makes you want to live life literally to the fullest. That you shouldn't hold anything back because you never know what will happen tomorrow. I mean I saw my family at beginning of May...and you would have never in a million years think that this would happen two months later...It just puts in perspective my life and what to do with it.
My dad brought her to Mexico to try and give her all natural remedy's while at the same time they are fighting the cancer in chemical terms as well. She is doing radiation and chemo...and all natural...and eating a diet that should be all organic. Makes you wonder if its working at all...maybe it will...but what if its all having a negative reaction because she is taking way to much. I know I am being my usual paranoid self. BUT, I am sitting here watching her sleep...and I am not sure what to do with myself except to write about this somewhere...anywhere. I don't want to burden friends by talking about something that might be a Debbie downer moment. SO I am burdening this blog...and getting it off my chest finally since I heard about it 6 weeks ago and cried for 2 hours straight.
I just hope it turns out OK...but I just don't know. The person I know is gone...will she be back? I don't know and I guess I don't care as long as she can make it through this. She has SUCH high spirits and positive thoughts. I think she is dealing with it better then anyone...she just keeps on smiling.
She has been told to eat all organics and natural foods...and you know if does make you wonder why isn't all of the world eating like this? She cant use a microwave...she isn't allowed to have any sugar because sugars makes the tumors feed off each other. I saw something in a book recently about how is it that when you go to any zoo...you see signs that say "Please do not feed animals your food...it may kill them." So human food might kill an ape has similar organs...but its OK for us to consume. Yea, it has put on perspective of how unhealthy we all are...and makes me want to eat more and more organic foods...and veggies...and fruits...less of the store bought box stuff. What am I consuming when I put in my mouth? What if we all did this diet...would cancer stop? I really do wonder how much of cancer is about the foods we put into out mouths...all the chemicals that we consume...all the pesticides we inhale...even water nowadays have something or other to make us drink more whatever...something to make us even "healthier" by putting in so called vitamins and minerals...and oh yea we made it from fruit too...so now u can get calcium and vitamin C too. but can you? Can you really? BUT can we make it stop? all of it?
AND then this makes me wonder about it all being a conspiracy. Hmmm...so all the food people are making money buy making things sooo god damn good that people cant but help to buy the food...even if it is poisoning us. And then this happens...and then medical companies and pharmaceuticals make money by giving us drugs that aren't really helping...but that are making money. All of it a money game. How the hell can they have gone this far to with computers and Internet...and with all the other things that have advanced in the last 25 years...and how the HELL can they not have a cure yet. I don't know and I am not saying its true...I just wonder if this isn't all a way to make money not to save the world. That its all a cycle...that is way to deep to make it stop.
Anyway...this is hard and I am not sure how to deal with it all at the moment... except do what I can do and be there when it is needed... I just wish I could be here more...or that I could just make it all stop.
Airport Man
No dates for me...it has been awhile...I just don't have the energy to do it...I have been dieting allot and trying to exercise allot though...I keep trying to tell myself that in the next few months...that every time I think of guys or dates I will exercise...and be thin for someone to clue in? Clue into what? Clue into how great I am and would be for someone I around. I see and hear of happy couples which makes me want what they have but then I see and hear of tears and heartbreak and want to run for the hills. The Vermont hills to be exact. I am not sure what I want and maybe that is the problem after all.
I did meet someone at the airport that I thought was def cute and who I def would love to have contact me. We met at the bar on my way to Atlanta. He even bought me two drinks...he had this great accent and beautiful eyes. I gave him my business card...lets see if he contacts me. He was trying to convince me to go out to the bars with him in Atlanta...he had missed his connecting flight and would have to stay the night. He was off to West Palm beach...I just didn't think it was a good idea...maybe if I wasn't going to Atlanta for some support rather then fun...maybe if I hadn't been sick for the last three days and I couldn't be sicker with the chance of getting my step mom sicker then she already is. I just blew him off but I did hand him a business card...hoping maybe just maybe he will call...he did say he will. He gave me a big ol' smile and said oh expect a call from me. BUT...here it comes...will he not because he only was bring friendly? Will he not because he looses the card sometime during the weekend of fun...will he meet someone who is far more fun then I am...or will he be totally into me and decide to email or call. II guess we will see.
I did meet someone at the airport that I thought was def cute and who I def would love to have contact me. We met at the bar on my way to Atlanta. He even bought me two drinks...he had this great accent and beautiful eyes. I gave him my business card...lets see if he contacts me. He was trying to convince me to go out to the bars with him in Atlanta...he had missed his connecting flight and would have to stay the night. He was off to West Palm beach...I just didn't think it was a good idea...maybe if I wasn't going to Atlanta for some support rather then fun...maybe if I hadn't been sick for the last three days and I couldn't be sicker with the chance of getting my step mom sicker then she already is. I just blew him off but I did hand him a business card...hoping maybe just maybe he will call...he did say he will. He gave me a big ol' smile and said oh expect a call from me. BUT...here it comes...will he not because he only was bring friendly? Will he not because he looses the card sometime during the weekend of fun...will he meet someone who is far more fun then I am...or will he be totally into me and decide to email or call. II guess we will see.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Response to the BBW post...
My recent post below... saw your post... and am very interested... please write if you care to chat or see a pic or two!
;-)
;-)
Oh My GOD!!! BBW's R O C K!!!! MWM has new found admiration! - m4w - 39 (Boston west suburbs)
I just had my first BBW experience two months ago... and it was freaking HEAVEN!
Like many men.. I've always been intrigued by Rubenesque shapes ... and only recently learned of Craig's List.. so I took some pictures of myself, posted an ad.. and met a wonderful, sweet young woman... we met a four times... and now I can't stop thinking about BBWs... when I'm shopping, running, just driving in my car.. I now notice all these beautiful large women ...
Unfortunatley.. my young friend went back home for the summer.. and while I hope to see her back in the Fall.. I'd also like to find a special BBW friend for the summer.
I'm 39, tall, in great shape and handsome. I take very good care of myself.. and have some tasteful pics I can share with you.. the "catch"? I am married, and so need discretion.
If you are a BBW seeking a sincere, motivated, patient secret lover.. please write!
* Location: Boston west suburbs
Sunday, July 8, 2007
BUT...
Im down today...it seems like I am off and on these days. I am trying to like me...and I do...
Like I like:
My hair...when its not frizzy
I like my passion for what I set my mind to I can do
I love what I do when i can do it
I love boys who compliment...wait this isn't a me thing....
I like ummmm...my height...Ive come to except that I can be cute...when I don't gain weight and for me it shows SO MUCH more then all others.
I like my family.
I like my friends...when I don't get so paranoid that they don't really like me...or that they are mad at me and I don't know if they really are or Im just imagining that they are.
I like that I know I am healthy
I like my eyes
I like the size of my boobs.
I've been told I have a great a s s
I love that I love stories and great movies
I love that I don't let the things other people let get to them get to me
I like that I am a genuinely good person
I like that I am learning to have more time for me...except when i feel like I have become more selfish then Ive ever been this last year. I have never ever broken plans...or just been selfish....every day of my life before this last year was about what everyone else wanted...and never me...if someone thought i would be a cute couple with someone I started to like him because I was told to. I was told to not like someone and I would stop...well externally I did. I was told to smile I did...shit I did...go to a club I did...drink I did...I dont know...I feel like I have been a puppet and finally I am letting the strings go....finally becoming more alive. BUT...
See I always have a but...as in just that list...how many had a but or a when? Exactly...I do know I need to love me before anyone else does. I do love that I can browse all day and just let the sun soak into my pores and the treasures into my hands...but I dont know...I do love me...I guess I just wish someone else would too. I want someone to see what I see when I look at myself everday...I have been trying to look at myself and appreciate the little things on my face and bosy and stop looking at my flaws. I do..I do...
BUT then I see pictures of myself...and what is good there...and as everyone says...a pic is worth a thousand words...and emotions too. So...I used all the bad ones and printed them on the color printer in all these different size...and then laminated them and then proceeded to post them all over my life. In my car...two different places...on the refrigerator ...in my wallet ...on my key chain...on my desk...
So people think this kind of a bad idea...but it kind of works...it makes me stop and question what I am doing...where I am going with who I am. It makes me look at my 4th chin and see that (not the good things like the 30 pounds I have lost this year) ...and not want to eat something I shouldn't...or if I do I only eat a small portion. Or by having it my car...while doing errands I wont be tempted by my emotions or my thought...my pic will make me stop and hopefully think before doing. It also makes me smile from time to time...and I do see all the things I mentioned above...I just got to get to a point where I am being way more positive then i am now...
Like I like:
My hair...when its not frizzy
I like my passion for what I set my mind to I can do
I love what I do when i can do it
I love boys who compliment...wait this isn't a me thing....
I like ummmm...my height...Ive come to except that I can be cute...when I don't gain weight and for me it shows SO MUCH more then all others.
I like my family.
I like my friends...when I don't get so paranoid that they don't really like me...or that they are mad at me and I don't know if they really are or Im just imagining that they are.
I like that I know I am healthy
I like my eyes
I like the size of my boobs.
I've been told I have a great a s s
I love that I love stories and great movies
I love that I don't let the things other people let get to them get to me
I like that I am a genuinely good person
I like that I am learning to have more time for me...except when i feel like I have become more selfish then Ive ever been this last year. I have never ever broken plans...or just been selfish....every day of my life before this last year was about what everyone else wanted...and never me...if someone thought i would be a cute couple with someone I started to like him because I was told to. I was told to not like someone and I would stop...well externally I did. I was told to smile I did...shit I did...go to a club I did...drink I did...I dont know...I feel like I have been a puppet and finally I am letting the strings go....finally becoming more alive. BUT...
See I always have a but...as in just that list...how many had a but or a when? Exactly...I do know I need to love me before anyone else does. I do love that I can browse all day and just let the sun soak into my pores and the treasures into my hands...but I dont know...I do love me...I guess I just wish someone else would too. I want someone to see what I see when I look at myself everday...I have been trying to look at myself and appreciate the little things on my face and bosy and stop looking at my flaws. I do..I do...
BUT then I see pictures of myself...and what is good there...and as everyone says...a pic is worth a thousand words...and emotions too. So...I used all the bad ones and printed them on the color printer in all these different size...and then laminated them and then proceeded to post them all over my life. In my car...two different places...on the refrigerator ...in my wallet ...on my key chain...on my desk...
So people think this kind of a bad idea...but it kind of works...it makes me stop and question what I am doing...where I am going with who I am. It makes me look at my 4th chin and see that (not the good things like the 30 pounds I have lost this year) ...and not want to eat something I shouldn't...or if I do I only eat a small portion. Or by having it my car...while doing errands I wont be tempted by my emotions or my thought...my pic will make me stop and hopefully think before doing. It also makes me smile from time to time...and I do see all the things I mentioned above...I just got to get to a point where I am being way more positive then i am now...
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Princess?
And a response already:
Hi, I think I`m the right guy for you, I can not image you but I`ll like you as you are,kisses princess.
sick of being the third wheel? me 2!
And another ad while I was ad it...I need something to do...and something to ad to this blog...
I have tried the whole online dating thing...and its frustrating cause the majority of guys I have met especially off of CL want just sex...or are married...why is that? To most CL=SEX. I'm not the type of girl to sleep with you on a first date...isn't that what Casual Encounters section is for?
I am also no Paris Hilton...who at the end of the day still cries for mommy. I am me... a size 16... curves and all... but I'm not going to lie and say I'm thin ...its something I have been working on...exercise...being healthy for me not you.
BUT, I love my friends...and movies...and music...my job is amazing...and I just would like someone to share it with...I'm sick of being the third wheel.
So if you have read this far...and are still single...are around my age...send me an email...lets go from there.
BBW?
Here is an ad I put on...cause it annoys me to read these ads...and get no responses to people off of Match and any other online dating thing...so here goes:
Ok...I read these ads when I am bored...and all the guys say they want someone attractive...BUT...here is the thing what is attractive to u might not be to your neighbor...and vice versa...so come on now...right?
And as for BBW or fit...now what do you consider BBW? honestly...I would like to know...cause I KNOW I am not thin...but Im not huge either...I am working my ass off literally to loose...1-2 pounds a week...by both eating healthy and going to the gym. SO...see I am fit...and healthy...
And then you get the so call attractive types...I mean NOT all women are like the Nicole Richie types...but so many women I know who are super thin...are so not healthy...but they are what guys call attractive?
Sunday, July 1, 2007
Crushes
Yes I have a few crushes...weird to have them again. For the last year I have been doing the online thing...so when I go out on a date or first meeting...its 100% about being interested or not i the next time...You know without a doubt that its a date however good or bad it is at the time. But when you get crushed on people outside of this realm...how the hell do you know if it could be something or not.
I have some crushes that as I said I am not sure how to move them on to something more or just let them be what they are. Crushes scare me...because I am a wimp...as I said online I can be more forceful and direct...but in person I get all shy and I'm not sure my actions that are magnified in my head are being seen by my so called crush. One crush and I have been hugging allot when we hang out...partly because alcohol is involved...but nothing else has been said to indicate something else is brewing...except I wonder and like the hugs...allot.
The other crush is just that...a crush...I don't think of him at every moment...and I have spent allot of alone time with him...but always somewhere very public...and I wish I could just make a move to see if it could be something more then just a crush...more then my heart that stops at the sound of his voice...but then if I do...there is no delete of an email address or IM...because in this case we have mutual friends and frequent the same get together...so if I am rejected...someone will for sure find out...and then people will be whispering in corners...and laughing when I walk out of a room. I am scared of that...probably scared of rejection then I am if for some reason he may just like me back...
So see...what is more important here? Being rejected or being happy? Its so stupid but I do hate being embarrassed...which I can feel for so long...so I'm not sure what to do...
Part of my problem is my weight once again. i have been working my ass off to loose...25 pounds in a year isn't as good as I wanted it to be...but what can I do? I mean technically that is 1/2 pound a week...which is better then nothing...and in Weight Watchers that is pretty normal. I fit into pants that I couldn't fit into in 4 years last week...which is great. I also got new hipper glasses which I like and makes me more confident...until...
I got some pics taken at work...and it made me sad...I looked at the acne that I have been working on as well...and that doesn't even begin to tell you about the 5 chins i still have. I hate that about myself...I feel like I can lose and lose but my face never deflates...which sucks...cause people see me and see this.
I think about these crushes and wonder if its mutual? But at the end of the day...I still feel like who would really be into me? The one thing I learned this year is that I have had more guys tell me that they would sleep with me but I'm not relationship material...hmmm what does that mean. And since I have only slept with one person my whole life...so we know how this chapter has ended. SO I'm I guess attractive enough for some guy to f-me but not to date me...so then I think about that when I think of my crushes as well. They probably see what I see when I look at those pics...
anyway...I know I need to be less negative I am just not sure how to do that...since I see what I see...and have come to accept it...so maybe I need to accept that someone will come along who likes it or who will live with it and settle...I don't know...I think I have stopped making sense...so I need sleep on this Sunday night...
I have some crushes that as I said I am not sure how to move them on to something more or just let them be what they are. Crushes scare me...because I am a wimp...as I said online I can be more forceful and direct...but in person I get all shy and I'm not sure my actions that are magnified in my head are being seen by my so called crush. One crush and I have been hugging allot when we hang out...partly because alcohol is involved...but nothing else has been said to indicate something else is brewing...except I wonder and like the hugs...allot.
The other crush is just that...a crush...I don't think of him at every moment...and I have spent allot of alone time with him...but always somewhere very public...and I wish I could just make a move to see if it could be something more then just a crush...more then my heart that stops at the sound of his voice...but then if I do...there is no delete of an email address or IM...because in this case we have mutual friends and frequent the same get together...so if I am rejected...someone will for sure find out...and then people will be whispering in corners...and laughing when I walk out of a room. I am scared of that...probably scared of rejection then I am if for some reason he may just like me back...
So see...what is more important here? Being rejected or being happy? Its so stupid but I do hate being embarrassed...which I can feel for so long...so I'm not sure what to do...
Part of my problem is my weight once again. i have been working my ass off to loose...25 pounds in a year isn't as good as I wanted it to be...but what can I do? I mean technically that is 1/2 pound a week...which is better then nothing...and in Weight Watchers that is pretty normal. I fit into pants that I couldn't fit into in 4 years last week...which is great. I also got new hipper glasses which I like and makes me more confident...until...
I got some pics taken at work...and it made me sad...I looked at the acne that I have been working on as well...and that doesn't even begin to tell you about the 5 chins i still have. I hate that about myself...I feel like I can lose and lose but my face never deflates...which sucks...cause people see me and see this.
I think about these crushes and wonder if its mutual? But at the end of the day...I still feel like who would really be into me? The one thing I learned this year is that I have had more guys tell me that they would sleep with me but I'm not relationship material...hmmm what does that mean. And since I have only slept with one person my whole life...so we know how this chapter has ended. SO I'm I guess attractive enough for some guy to f-me but not to date me...so then I think about that when I think of my crushes as well. They probably see what I see when I look at those pics...
anyway...I know I need to be less negative I am just not sure how to do that...since I see what I see...and have come to accept it...so maybe I need to accept that someone will come along who likes it or who will live with it and settle...I don't know...I think I have stopped making sense...so I need sleep on this Sunday night...
Will it happen when I least expect it?
I went to see the movie "Broken English", Broken English (2007) is about: Nora Wilder is freaking out. Everyone around her is in a relationship, is married, or has children. Nora is in her thirties, alone with job she's outgrown and a mother who constantly reminds her of it all. Not to mention her best friend Audrey's "perfect marriage". But after a series of disastrous dates, Nora unexpectedly meets Julien, a quirky Frenchman who opens her eyes to a lot more than love.
It was funny to watch her...it creeped me out some to be honest...it was like looking into a mirror...except that she was super thin where i am the exact opposite. But it was creepy...it was like someone read my life history or maybe some of this blog...because it was so true. I guess the best part was that everyone around her was constantly asking her about a boyfriend or when she was going to find someone...i feel like that. I feel like people pity me instead of wanting to set up on blind a date...my luck sucks in that realm i think.
I'm bored and lonely though. I feel like 90% of the people I know are in relationships and are so happy...I hate when people tell you...just wait, it will happen when u least expect it....but how can that be...I have been aloof for 27 years....but in the last year I have put myself out there and have had more action in 9 months then I have had in all my other years combined... but I have been out there...so what if I go into hiding again which I kind have been doing. I have been escaping back to the old me..the one who looks at my crush whoever he may be at the moment and just let him be a crush. I don't make a move to move the crush into something else...which I will Wake up in 5 years not even remembering his name or I will regret never saying anything or never making it obvious. I d make it more obvious then I have in the past...but when i start to make a step forward I pause and take two steps back. I call and leave a few text messages...but when I hear nothing...that stops me from doing anything more...cause if he was interested wouldn't I know it?
Or what about Mr Match and I...who I watched movies with for hours on end with today...and who is sweet enough to remember the little details of my life that even some of my closest friends forget to ask about. I am not sure what I feel there...because is it who he could represent? I wish I could make a move and kiss him just to see...but what if I then lose someone who could be an amazing friend.
I just feel like when everyone around me is hooked up or are in the processof hooking up and once again I am the third wheel...I get kind of pissed and of course sad. More because I want what they have...and I'm sick of being the third wheel all the time...even if I like being single and being by myself...the twinges arrive when i see secrets exchanged...and smiles passed across a room...when I see it I want it...
I guess I have to have faith that it will happen when I least expect it...but the true question is: will it happen when I least expect it?
It was funny to watch her...it creeped me out some to be honest...it was like looking into a mirror...except that she was super thin where i am the exact opposite. But it was creepy...it was like someone read my life history or maybe some of this blog...because it was so true. I guess the best part was that everyone around her was constantly asking her about a boyfriend or when she was going to find someone...i feel like that. I feel like people pity me instead of wanting to set up on blind a date...my luck sucks in that realm i think.
I'm bored and lonely though. I feel like 90% of the people I know are in relationships and are so happy...I hate when people tell you...just wait, it will happen when u least expect it....but how can that be...I have been aloof for 27 years....but in the last year I have put myself out there and have had more action in 9 months then I have had in all my other years combined... but I have been out there...so what if I go into hiding again which I kind have been doing. I have been escaping back to the old me..the one who looks at my crush whoever he may be at the moment and just let him be a crush. I don't make a move to move the crush into something else...which I will Wake up in 5 years not even remembering his name or I will regret never saying anything or never making it obvious. I d make it more obvious then I have in the past...but when i start to make a step forward I pause and take two steps back. I call and leave a few text messages...but when I hear nothing...that stops me from doing anything more...cause if he was interested wouldn't I know it?
Or what about Mr Match and I...who I watched movies with for hours on end with today...and who is sweet enough to remember the little details of my life that even some of my closest friends forget to ask about. I am not sure what I feel there...because is it who he could represent? I wish I could make a move and kiss him just to see...but what if I then lose someone who could be an amazing friend.
I just feel like when everyone around me is hooked up or are in the processof hooking up and once again I am the third wheel...I get kind of pissed and of course sad. More because I want what they have...and I'm sick of being the third wheel all the time...even if I like being single and being by myself...the twinges arrive when i see secrets exchanged...and smiles passed across a room...when I see it I want it...
I guess I have to have faith that it will happen when I least expect it...but the true question is: will it happen when I least expect it?
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