Lonely

I just walked in...a late night for me...it was fun to hang out with some work people. I am so used to NOT hanging out with them after hours...its taboo...but my new place is more social...more active...it was nice.

I walked into my house tonight though to find that I had a small package come in the mail...it was from my time in Charlotte NC...I had left behind some photo's of my dads wedding. Wow it kind of hurt to look at them...I couldn't stop the tears from running down my cheeks...Mary looks SOOO young...compared to today. The gray hair that is from the stress of the last month or so...not including that she will be loosing what little she has in the next few weeks.

I had a hard time dealing with my dads marriage to Mary...it was kind of complicated and a family battle...but somewhere along the line/time...something else grew. I knew Mary ALL MY LIFE AS ONE PERSON AND THEN TO BE TOLD she is someone else now was a hard transition for me...for everyone. I have grown to love her though...in the last few years she has come to mean something to all of our lives...and no one is perfect...we all have our faults including her...including me. But I do love her...

I see Mary and I think how you never know what tomorrow brings...so really live and love for today...but then why do I feel so lonely? I think about all the people in my life...and I am not sure who I have. I do have some friends that have really been there for me that I didn't expect to be...more because I just haven't had a reason to be that close to them in the past. But then I feel like I'm more lonely now then ever. I really am not sure who I can talk to about my emotions...and even just to say hi. My mom is the only one who I can call now when I am in hysterics over someone I love breaking away from me. I have so many things that I have been keeping to myself the last few months...to not want people to know how I am feeling...maybe I don't want to admit it to myself...maybe I don't want to burden someone else with my little problems...problems that I have brought onto myself...but its my life...and its my heart...whatever happens happens. As long as I live for today...and NOT tomorrow.

On a side not: Mary is doing well...better then I thought on sunday...She is doing great my dad says, she started radiation on tuesday and my dad said she has been acting herself...that she is being sarcastic and even has more energy. I hope...pray...that this is something great that will kill the tumors once and for all.