Crushes

Yes I have a few crushes...weird to have them again. For the last year I have been doing the online thing...so when I go out on a date or first meeting...its 100% about being interested or not i the next time...You know without a doubt that its a date however good or bad it is at the time. But when you get crushed on people outside of this realm...how the hell do you know if it could be something or not.

I have some crushes that as I said I am not sure how to move them on to something more or just let them be what they are. Crushes scare me...because I am a wimp...as I said online I can be more forceful and direct...but in person I get all shy and I'm not sure my actions that are magnified in my head are being seen by my so called crush. One crush and I have been hugging allot when we hang out...partly because alcohol is involved...but nothing else has been said to indicate something else is brewing...except I wonder and like the hugs...allot.

The other crush is just that...a crush...I don't think of him at every moment...and I have spent allot of alone time with him...but always somewhere very public...and I wish I could just make a move to see if it could be something more then just a crush...more then my heart that stops at the sound of his voice...but then if I do...there is no delete of an email address or IM...because in this case we have mutual friends and frequent the same get together...so if I am rejected...someone will for sure find out...and then people will be whispering in corners...and laughing when I walk out of a room. I am scared of that...probably scared of rejection then I am if for some reason he may just like me back...

So see...what is more important here? Being rejected or being happy? Its so stupid but I do hate being embarrassed...which I can feel for so long...so I'm not sure what to do...

Part of my problem is my weight once again. i have been working my ass off to loose...25 pounds in a year isn't as good as I wanted it to be...but what can I do? I mean technically that is 1/2 pound a week...which is better then nothing...and in Weight Watchers that is pretty normal. I fit into pants that I couldn't fit into in 4 years last week...which is great. I also got new hipper glasses which I like and makes me more confident...until...

I got some pics taken at work...and it made me sad...I looked at the acne that I have been working on as well...and that doesn't even begin to tell you about the 5 chins i still have. I hate that about myself...I feel like I can lose and lose but my face never deflates...which sucks...cause people see me and see this.

I think about these crushes and wonder if its mutual? But at the end of the day...I still feel like who would really be into me? The one thing I learned this year is that I have had more guys tell me that they would sleep with me but I'm not relationship material...hmmm what does that mean. And since I have only slept with one person my whole life...so we know how this chapter has ended. SO I'm I guess attractive enough for some guy to f-me but not to date me...so then I think about that when I think of my crushes as well. They probably see what I see when I look at those pics...

anyway...I know I need to be less negative I am just not sure how to do that...since I see what I see...and have come to accept it...so maybe I need to accept that someone will come along who likes it or who will live with it and settle...I don't know...I think I have stopped making sense...so I need sleep on this Sunday night...