I hung out with Mr Match tonight...it was really nice. we sat on the same couch and watched almost 2 movies...we hung out for hours and I kind of didn't want to leave. Its funny because being friends was nice...it was nice not to have to worry about him trying to lean in for a kiss or to try to grab a feel. But at the same time i did want it to happen. Haha how funny is that...I sat there and could feel his every move...well as much as my brain could fathom. But I did...I kind of wanted him to inch closer...and I kind of wanted him to touch my hand.
Its kind of weird cause I am not sure what it is I feel...cause I am attracted but sometimes Im not. I like him and enjoy his company...alot more then most guys I spend time with..minus my friends of course. But see is that just it...because we have stated we r just to be friends...is the act of me being more comfortable what makes him attractive. Or is it the glasses...because I am a sucker for glasses on guys...damn lasik....
Im not sure what or if anything is there...and that kind of blows because he obviously isn't to interested...since he said that to me the last time I saw him...but as I said...am I? In my head before this last year muddled my brain; this is what dating was suppose to feel like. Dating isn't about this thing called sex or else dating would just be called sex. I don't know when that began; was it sex in the city or before-?? I feel like dating should be getting to know someone and really understanding who and what they are and being able to value that person for who they are. So with Mr Match or whoever else I meet and become friends with... what happens if we do become friends...maybe even my best friend... someone who understands me more then most... and maybe thats love? Maybe but how do we know and how do we tell? Im scared to continue friendships with males because of this at times.
I also have decided to stay friends with Bubba...even though he is seeing someone new. And tonight he gets mad at me because I don't want to have phone sex with him. Are you kidding me? Friends? I don't want to be that kind of friends with him...because how can I separate the two...friends and sex....but see Im kind of jealous of her...but am I jealous of her or what they have? Is it my feelings for him or just the feelings in general that I want to feel and have other people see and want.
I say I have never been in love...and in love I mean being in love mutually with someone. Not someone who you do love but doesn't love you in just that same way. I think I have fallen this way more times then I would like to admit. Sometimes its just a moment in time before you convince your brain you do no feel that way...nope it cant be true. Most couples I meet...the truly happy ones were friends first...without fail. And I have always said I would find that...that someday I think my best friend might be the one. So when I look at Mr Match is it the fairy tale I had set up in my head years ago? Or is it really this great guy that could mean something to me? Im scared...scared that once again I will become best friends with someone else who just sees KT as good ol' KT. Im scared that once again I will fall far harder and deeper and not be able to dig myself out...worse then the times in my past.
I was best friends with this guy years ago...we had a special bond...and like I said Im not sure when or how it changed...but I fell hard. In some places in my head and in my heart I believe he did too...but see did he or did I just convince myself that he did? There have been a few guys in my past that this guy represents. In the end of the day I think i allowed myself to fall for these people because I did get to know them...I did become friends with each and everyone of them. I fell for who and what they were....and then at the end of the day was scared of rejection so I never told...most of the time I didn't even tell myself. See in allot of ways this has been my last year... trying not to get to close because then it hurts. I was also trying to get used to being rejected so maybe, maybe someday I will get over the fear and share my true self with someone who matters.
Im not sure...and Im confused....because I know I need to slow down on the dating and just get to know some of these people before we all let sex complicate matters...but as I said..what happens if I do feel something more in the end and I get more hurt then I have ever been today. Is it worth it? If I juggle guys...I cant get tears...see at this point Im scared another guy will touch me as deep as anchorman did...somehow I let him in...but it was the idea of him more then him. And see thats another thing...am I just lonely so the idea of Mr Match being more or Bubba who's more?....when they are just to be friends in the first place?
See Im confused and not in control...cause maybe you cant control feelings....Im scared that I will be hurt and what then? what if I cant get through it? So if I block it out and don't let people in...then I can be ok...but then I look at couples that have what I want and know that I cant keep this wall...that I do need to let people in...because in the long run someone will stick...
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