I started a new job this week. I am in love...yup...its a great thing I must say. And it isn't with someone green eyes or smile...its with everything and anything about this new place. As you know...everything will have its ups and downs and I hope my honeymoon will last for a few months at least.
I was at work today and realized that I hadn't thought of Anchorman in days...or any other the other males in my life...didn't even want to go on Match to search for anyone interesting.
Its funny because last summer...actually almost a year ago...I decided that I wanted to date...I wanted to live my life for something besides my career. For the past 27 years...I had lived my life for yes other people...but also for my job...whatever it was at the time. I moved here wanting to start a life. I wanted to wake up at 55 and have a life...not just a career. The dating was a good way to start.
And here now I am one year later thinking that the career way is a good way to start with moving on from dating. I mean I still want to from time to time...but for the next few weeks I want to see who I can become. I am so much more confident in myself when I am at work...then when I am at a bar. Cause I know I'm a good designer...even when Simon Cowell starts going off. I know I am good...or can be
Someday maybe after all these dates and all these boys...I can bring some of my confidence in the work force out into my social life as well. I think part of why I did date this year was because I was so bored...I had nothing day after day that challenged me...except for whoever I was trying to meet at the time. But if I become less bored...IE super busy maybe that will allow me to become me again. When I do go on a date or meet someone new...I will just not give a shit if they like me...cause I know when I go to work and design a beer that someone will drink...hmmm I know that feeling is so much better then the rejection from the night before. Maybe this will be good for me...what will I be like when I am not so bored and working my ass off like in the past...but knowing that I do want the life...friends...
Also besides being busy with work I'm also busy with life and things going on in my family life. Makes me wonder what life is all about...and to enjoy the life you have...cause you have no fucking clue what tomorrow will bring.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Not my Mr Big
Mr Big came over last night...and even though I told him we were just friends...it was obvious he wasn't going to pay attention to that. He came over to watch a movie...and since the night before I hung out with Mr Match and it went so well...what was the harm in hanging out with another friend. I wanted to be home where my roomate was screaming distance away if need be...so I felt safer there then being near him somewheres else.
He comes over and he sits right next to me...leaning closer and closer and then my roomate walks in...thank F-ing god...and for someone who is just a friend and who didn't come over for ulterior motives...he sure did jump away fast enough as Roomy walked through the door.
Roomy finally left...and the touches and glances and the when are you going to let me make a move actions came about all over again. I was kind of annoyed...who does he think he is? We were NOT on a date...and I had told him numerous times how I felt about this matter in particular. I was frustrated cause I felt like he could have been a gentleman and stayed my friend this one time...and then next time...sure make a move...but give me time to get to know u better first.
I feel like I could have been anyone...and that to me wasn't what I wanted. Sure...I could have just given in...but I just wasn't as into him as I should have been or wanted to be. But as I said...I was more frustrated cause I feel like I was a booty call more then someone to hang out with.
Its ironic huh...cause the night before I wanted Mr Match to make a move...so see makes me think maybe I'm just not attracted to Mr Big...or maybe I just don't like him period where I do kind of like Mr Match. I like Mr Match's personality way more then Mr Big's...and Bubba's for that matter.
Anyway...I think that might have been the last time I would see Mr Big...
There is no Mr Big in my sexless in the city romance in my happily ever after.
He comes over and he sits right next to me...leaning closer and closer and then my roomate walks in...thank F-ing god...and for someone who is just a friend and who didn't come over for ulterior motives...he sure did jump away fast enough as Roomy walked through the door.
Roomy finally left...and the touches and glances and the when are you going to let me make a move actions came about all over again. I was kind of annoyed...who does he think he is? We were NOT on a date...and I had told him numerous times how I felt about this matter in particular. I was frustrated cause I felt like he could have been a gentleman and stayed my friend this one time...and then next time...sure make a move...but give me time to get to know u better first.
I feel like I could have been anyone...and that to me wasn't what I wanted. Sure...I could have just given in...but I just wasn't as into him as I should have been or wanted to be. But as I said...I was more frustrated cause I feel like I was a booty call more then someone to hang out with.
Its ironic huh...cause the night before I wanted Mr Match to make a move...so see makes me think maybe I'm just not attracted to Mr Big...or maybe I just don't like him period where I do kind of like Mr Match. I like Mr Match's personality way more then Mr Big's...and Bubba's for that matter.
Anyway...I think that might have been the last time I would see Mr Big...
There is no Mr Big in my sexless in the city romance in my happily ever after.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Can guys be friends?
I hung out with Mr Match tonight...it was really nice. we sat on the same couch and watched almost 2 movies...we hung out for hours and I kind of didn't want to leave. Its funny because being friends was nice...it was nice not to have to worry about him trying to lean in for a kiss or to try to grab a feel. But at the same time i did want it to happen. Haha how funny is that...I sat there and could feel his every move...well as much as my brain could fathom. But I did...I kind of wanted him to inch closer...and I kind of wanted him to touch my hand.
Its kind of weird cause I am not sure what it is I feel...cause I am attracted but sometimes Im not. I like him and enjoy his company...alot more then most guys I spend time with..minus my friends of course. But see is that just it...because we have stated we r just to be friends...is the act of me being more comfortable what makes him attractive. Or is it the glasses...because I am a sucker for glasses on guys...damn lasik....
Im not sure what or if anything is there...and that kind of blows because he obviously isn't to interested...since he said that to me the last time I saw him...but as I said...am I? In my head before this last year muddled my brain; this is what dating was suppose to feel like. Dating isn't about this thing called sex or else dating would just be called sex. I don't know when that began; was it sex in the city or before-?? I feel like dating should be getting to know someone and really understanding who and what they are and being able to value that person for who they are. So with Mr Match or whoever else I meet and become friends with... what happens if we do become friends...maybe even my best friend... someone who understands me more then most... and maybe thats love? Maybe but how do we know and how do we tell? Im scared to continue friendships with males because of this at times.
I also have decided to stay friends with Bubba...even though he is seeing someone new. And tonight he gets mad at me because I don't want to have phone sex with him. Are you kidding me? Friends? I don't want to be that kind of friends with him...because how can I separate the two...friends and sex....but see Im kind of jealous of her...but am I jealous of her or what they have? Is it my feelings for him or just the feelings in general that I want to feel and have other people see and want.
I say I have never been in love...and in love I mean being in love mutually with someone. Not someone who you do love but doesn't love you in just that same way. I think I have fallen this way more times then I would like to admit. Sometimes its just a moment in time before you convince your brain you do no feel that way...nope it cant be true. Most couples I meet...the truly happy ones were friends first...without fail. And I have always said I would find that...that someday I think my best friend might be the one. So when I look at Mr Match is it the fairy tale I had set up in my head years ago? Or is it really this great guy that could mean something to me? Im scared...scared that once again I will become best friends with someone else who just sees KT as good ol' KT. Im scared that once again I will fall far harder and deeper and not be able to dig myself out...worse then the times in my past.
I was best friends with this guy years ago...we had a special bond...and like I said Im not sure when or how it changed...but I fell hard. In some places in my head and in my heart I believe he did too...but see did he or did I just convince myself that he did? There have been a few guys in my past that this guy represents. In the end of the day I think i allowed myself to fall for these people because I did get to know them...I did become friends with each and everyone of them. I fell for who and what they were....and then at the end of the day was scared of rejection so I never told...most of the time I didn't even tell myself. See in allot of ways this has been my last year... trying not to get to close because then it hurts. I was also trying to get used to being rejected so maybe, maybe someday I will get over the fear and share my true self with someone who matters.
Im not sure...and Im confused....because I know I need to slow down on the dating and just get to know some of these people before we all let sex complicate matters...but as I said..what happens if I do feel something more in the end and I get more hurt then I have ever been today. Is it worth it? If I juggle guys...I cant get tears...see at this point Im scared another guy will touch me as deep as anchorman did...somehow I let him in...but it was the idea of him more then him. And see thats another thing...am I just lonely so the idea of Mr Match being more or Bubba who's more?....when they are just to be friends in the first place?
See Im confused and not in control...cause maybe you cant control feelings....Im scared that I will be hurt and what then? what if I cant get through it? So if I block it out and don't let people in...then I can be ok...but then I look at couples that have what I want and know that I cant keep this wall...that I do need to let people in...because in the long run someone will stick...
Its kind of weird cause I am not sure what it is I feel...cause I am attracted but sometimes Im not. I like him and enjoy his company...alot more then most guys I spend time with..minus my friends of course. But see is that just it...because we have stated we r just to be friends...is the act of me being more comfortable what makes him attractive. Or is it the glasses...because I am a sucker for glasses on guys...damn lasik....
Im not sure what or if anything is there...and that kind of blows because he obviously isn't to interested...since he said that to me the last time I saw him...but as I said...am I? In my head before this last year muddled my brain; this is what dating was suppose to feel like. Dating isn't about this thing called sex or else dating would just be called sex. I don't know when that began; was it sex in the city or before-?? I feel like dating should be getting to know someone and really understanding who and what they are and being able to value that person for who they are. So with Mr Match or whoever else I meet and become friends with... what happens if we do become friends...maybe even my best friend... someone who understands me more then most... and maybe thats love? Maybe but how do we know and how do we tell? Im scared to continue friendships with males because of this at times.
I also have decided to stay friends with Bubba...even though he is seeing someone new. And tonight he gets mad at me because I don't want to have phone sex with him. Are you kidding me? Friends? I don't want to be that kind of friends with him...because how can I separate the two...friends and sex....but see Im kind of jealous of her...but am I jealous of her or what they have? Is it my feelings for him or just the feelings in general that I want to feel and have other people see and want.
I say I have never been in love...and in love I mean being in love mutually with someone. Not someone who you do love but doesn't love you in just that same way. I think I have fallen this way more times then I would like to admit. Sometimes its just a moment in time before you convince your brain you do no feel that way...nope it cant be true. Most couples I meet...the truly happy ones were friends first...without fail. And I have always said I would find that...that someday I think my best friend might be the one. So when I look at Mr Match is it the fairy tale I had set up in my head years ago? Or is it really this great guy that could mean something to me? Im scared...scared that once again I will become best friends with someone else who just sees KT as good ol' KT. Im scared that once again I will fall far harder and deeper and not be able to dig myself out...worse then the times in my past.
I was best friends with this guy years ago...we had a special bond...and like I said Im not sure when or how it changed...but I fell hard. In some places in my head and in my heart I believe he did too...but see did he or did I just convince myself that he did? There have been a few guys in my past that this guy represents. In the end of the day I think i allowed myself to fall for these people because I did get to know them...I did become friends with each and everyone of them. I fell for who and what they were....and then at the end of the day was scared of rejection so I never told...most of the time I didn't even tell myself. See in allot of ways this has been my last year... trying not to get to close because then it hurts. I was also trying to get used to being rejected so maybe, maybe someday I will get over the fear and share my true self with someone who matters.
Im not sure...and Im confused....because I know I need to slow down on the dating and just get to know some of these people before we all let sex complicate matters...but as I said..what happens if I do feel something more in the end and I get more hurt then I have ever been today. Is it worth it? If I juggle guys...I cant get tears...see at this point Im scared another guy will touch me as deep as anchorman did...somehow I let him in...but it was the idea of him more then him. And see thats another thing...am I just lonely so the idea of Mr Match being more or Bubba who's more?....when they are just to be friends in the first place?
See Im confused and not in control...cause maybe you cant control feelings....Im scared that I will be hurt and what then? what if I cant get through it? So if I block it out and don't let people in...then I can be ok...but then I look at couples that have what I want and know that I cant keep this wall...that I do need to let people in...because in the long run someone will stick...
Monday, May 21, 2007
Time for me maybe?
I saw Anchorman this weekend…. it was ironic because we got into it over the BBQ in my town…which he didn’t know existed until we went and had coffee there a few weeks ago.
I was sitting there with a friend and in my sub conscious I must have heard his voice because I looked up and right at him…I felt like I was in high school…and we were in the lunch hall trying to ignore each other.
We did it very well I must say…I only looked at him a few times…and god only knows how many times he looked…I was with my male friend…so I hope he thought it was a date…I didn’t give the satisfaction of knowing acknowledging him…but god I wanted to…. I wanted to smile and say hi…
It pisses me off that just by seeing him a part of me missed him…I know I didn’t miss the asshole he was…but I missed the laughing and the butterflies and just the way I felt when I was with him.
I know I am not over him…and haven’t been for awhile…and maybe I have been using guys as a way to forget…but its not like I pick them up and sleep with them. But I have been dating since November just to forget him… which is stupid, I know…and its bad to some of the guys I have met…they know I am not that into it. They must…or maybe I do just seem needy or desperate…I’m not sure…maybe I am…
I canceled on Bubba for Saturday night because he wasn’t very excited when I talked to him that afternoon. I knew then that I didn’t want to go…I didn’t want to be a maybe…and I didn’t want him to be either. It wasn’t fair. I knew this weekend that I just need time for me…I’m tired…tired of it all…but I’m not sure what to say or do to get through that.
So even though I canceled on Bubba…he was meeting a new girl anyway…that was what he had been doing all afternoon anyway. It was an odd way to find out this morning…but I think I was fine with it…I had realized last week that him and I were going to be nothing, I just wasn’t into it enough and neither was he.
I got a comment on my blog…about me always thinking it’s the guy’s fault. I know that it seems like that…and maybe I do say that…but I know most of the time it’s a mutual thing. I know it’s not the guy’s fault…I know I need to figure things out for myself. It’s funny because I didn’t date multiple men at the same time until I realized that 1. Guys were doing this to me…so why not play the game back to them. And 2. It was easier that way…it was easier not to care when I have a few guys to think about verses one….
I was also told this weekend that I needed to quit with the “boys” as I put it. The boys were going to make my head rot…that in time it will come. I knew then that I hadn’t been looking for Mr. Right… but all along…I wanted Mr. Right now. I wanted to be able to say, “I like you” or just talk to guys in general. I grew up never going boy crazy…so I did 10 yrs later then most. Oh well…I needed it…I needed to know that guys wanted me…I needed to know that when I did find “the one” that he wasn’t my first anything. I wanted to know the I had tried and experienced things along the way.
So, at the moment I do think I do want to be alone more then with someone…but then I get bored…its weird I do feel like sometimes I’m 16 rather then 28…
I was sitting there with a friend and in my sub conscious I must have heard his voice because I looked up and right at him…I felt like I was in high school…and we were in the lunch hall trying to ignore each other.
We did it very well I must say…I only looked at him a few times…and god only knows how many times he looked…I was with my male friend…so I hope he thought it was a date…I didn’t give the satisfaction of knowing acknowledging him…but god I wanted to…. I wanted to smile and say hi…
It pisses me off that just by seeing him a part of me missed him…I know I didn’t miss the asshole he was…but I missed the laughing and the butterflies and just the way I felt when I was with him.
I know I am not over him…and haven’t been for awhile…and maybe I have been using guys as a way to forget…but its not like I pick them up and sleep with them. But I have been dating since November just to forget him… which is stupid, I know…and its bad to some of the guys I have met…they know I am not that into it. They must…or maybe I do just seem needy or desperate…I’m not sure…maybe I am…
I canceled on Bubba for Saturday night because he wasn’t very excited when I talked to him that afternoon. I knew then that I didn’t want to go…I didn’t want to be a maybe…and I didn’t want him to be either. It wasn’t fair. I knew this weekend that I just need time for me…I’m tired…tired of it all…but I’m not sure what to say or do to get through that.
So even though I canceled on Bubba…he was meeting a new girl anyway…that was what he had been doing all afternoon anyway. It was an odd way to find out this morning…but I think I was fine with it…I had realized last week that him and I were going to be nothing, I just wasn’t into it enough and neither was he.
I got a comment on my blog…about me always thinking it’s the guy’s fault. I know that it seems like that…and maybe I do say that…but I know most of the time it’s a mutual thing. I know it’s not the guy’s fault…I know I need to figure things out for myself. It’s funny because I didn’t date multiple men at the same time until I realized that 1. Guys were doing this to me…so why not play the game back to them. And 2. It was easier that way…it was easier not to care when I have a few guys to think about verses one….
I was also told this weekend that I needed to quit with the “boys” as I put it. The boys were going to make my head rot…that in time it will come. I knew then that I hadn’t been looking for Mr. Right… but all along…I wanted Mr. Right now. I wanted to be able to say, “I like you” or just talk to guys in general. I grew up never going boy crazy…so I did 10 yrs later then most. Oh well…I needed it…I needed to know that guys wanted me…I needed to know that when I did find “the one” that he wasn’t my first anything. I wanted to know the I had tried and experienced things along the way.
So, at the moment I do think I do want to be alone more then with someone…but then I get bored…its weird I do feel like sometimes I’m 16 rather then 28…
Saturday, May 19, 2007
Just another so-called Match
So I emailed this guy I talked to from Match...
We met a few weeks ago at a baseball game...he met me after the game and we took a walk...nice enough guy...obviously wasn't enough to even comment on in here...but then again maybe I was to side tracked with Anchorman...and Mr Match had just called it quits at that time and was a little all ove rthe place.
Well, we met and had been talking, we go to the same gym and have run into each other a few times now...we have talked on the phone too...and texted tons while I was in FL. Im not sure what there was between us...more of a friendship that was starting...and he seemed nice enough.
After the whole Anchorman went down...I was kind of annoyed at guys in general...so him and I started talking on IM the nday after Anchorman and I had our "discussion." Obviously I was a little testy at that moment...and maybe PMSing some too. So there I was on IM and I asked him when we would hang out again and he said...well I am busy...but we will. You know after all these guys...that is one pet peave lately...bullshit you are busy...get the balls to say its not working...dont use Im jsut so busy right now...I mean if you like someone you WANT to spend time with that person...right?
So I we kind of got into it a little...as much as you can decipher over IM...t hat night I texted him saying sorry I was down... and just testy and I didn't mean to rush getting together...Me then getting this email "Hey I was hoping to chat with you last night but I didn't get a chance. I'm more than happy to hang out with you at some point but you need to calm down a bit. I'm a busy person and its no disrespect to you. I'm sorry your down and not feeling great. I do hope you feel better!"
And we really haven't talked since... so I was feeling bad at how it went down... and he was a nice person... so why not have him as a friend you know? So my email went like this:
Hi...I miss talking to you... I need to be honest with you... allot of
stuff have been going on with me lately...
I had been seeing a guy since November... and we broke it off a few
months later...then about the time you and I met, him and I came into
contact again...therefore when i got upset at you the other day...it
really had nothing to do with you...and more with him. Him and I ended
it finally...it was not a healthy thing...lets put it that way...and I
am a little bit of a mess emotionally...which makes me say this...lets
be friends...
I miss talking to you...I hope you don't think I am nuts...but I
do...and would like to be friends if nothing more....lets hang out and
do stuff...walking that night was nice..and its crazy not to have
another friend in Newton...so what do you say?
Hope to hear from you...
and he responds back:
"ok lets be friends... honestly, i never really had any emotional
attachment just because I really don't know you other than other
phones chats and the walk from fenway. Kinda tough for me to be overly
interested/ emotional invest time into someone I don't even know. Just
my philosophy in life. If you'd like more Honesty if I was overly
interested I'd be pissed right now. I can't stand people and I tell my
friends this all the time, I can't stand people who date or have
crushes or just screw around with multiple people at the same time.
It's really disrespectful and sadly in this self rigthous world it
seems to be the norm, rather than the exception. I'm sure I'll see you
at the Y sometime soon."
So I emailed back:
Wow...sorry...I never said I had an emotional attachment...but thought
maybe we could be friends...sorry
as for screwing around with multiple people...I'm not sure how I did
that when you and I only talked a few times...but ok
Anyway good luck to you...yea maybe I will see you at the Y sometime/
KT
See this is the shit I am dealing with when I meet people..I don't know why it had to end so nastily... and now what if I do run into him at the Y? I guess I will smile and act like a nice girl... hmm maybe I did learn something from the south after-all...
We met a few weeks ago at a baseball game...he met me after the game and we took a walk...nice enough guy...obviously wasn't enough to even comment on in here...but then again maybe I was to side tracked with Anchorman...and Mr Match had just called it quits at that time and was a little all ove rthe place.
Well, we met and had been talking, we go to the same gym and have run into each other a few times now...we have talked on the phone too...and texted tons while I was in FL. Im not sure what there was between us...more of a friendship that was starting...and he seemed nice enough.
After the whole Anchorman went down...I was kind of annoyed at guys in general...so him and I started talking on IM the nday after Anchorman and I had our "discussion." Obviously I was a little testy at that moment...and maybe PMSing some too. So there I was on IM and I asked him when we would hang out again and he said...well I am busy...but we will. You know after all these guys...that is one pet peave lately...bullshit you are busy...get the balls to say its not working...dont use Im jsut so busy right now...I mean if you like someone you WANT to spend time with that person...right?
So I we kind of got into it a little...as much as you can decipher over IM...t hat night I texted him saying sorry I was down... and just testy and I didn't mean to rush getting together...Me then getting this email "Hey I was hoping to chat with you last night but I didn't get a chance. I'm more than happy to hang out with you at some point but you need to calm down a bit. I'm a busy person and its no disrespect to you. I'm sorry your down and not feeling great. I do hope you feel better!"
And we really haven't talked since... so I was feeling bad at how it went down... and he was a nice person... so why not have him as a friend you know? So my email went like this:
Hi...I miss talking to you... I need to be honest with you... allot of
stuff have been going on with me lately...
I had been seeing a guy since November... and we broke it off a few
months later...then about the time you and I met, him and I came into
contact again...therefore when i got upset at you the other day...it
really had nothing to do with you...and more with him. Him and I ended
it finally...it was not a healthy thing...lets put it that way...and I
am a little bit of a mess emotionally...which makes me say this...lets
be friends...
I miss talking to you...I hope you don't think I am nuts...but I
do...and would like to be friends if nothing more....lets hang out and
do stuff...walking that night was nice..and its crazy not to have
another friend in Newton...so what do you say?
Hope to hear from you...
and he responds back:
"ok lets be friends... honestly, i never really had any emotional
attachment just because I really don't know you other than other
phones chats and the walk from fenway. Kinda tough for me to be overly
interested/ emotional invest time into someone I don't even know. Just
my philosophy in life. If you'd like more Honesty if I was overly
interested I'd be pissed right now. I can't stand people and I tell my
friends this all the time, I can't stand people who date or have
crushes or just screw around with multiple people at the same time.
It's really disrespectful and sadly in this self rigthous world it
seems to be the norm, rather than the exception. I'm sure I'll see you
at the Y sometime soon."
So I emailed back:
Wow...sorry...I never said I had an emotional attachment...but thought
maybe we could be friends...sorry
as for screwing around with multiple people...I'm not sure how I did
that when you and I only talked a few times...but ok
Anyway good luck to you...yea maybe I will see you at the Y sometime/
KT
See this is the shit I am dealing with when I meet people..I don't know why it had to end so nastily... and now what if I do run into him at the Y? I guess I will smile and act like a nice girl... hmm maybe I did learn something from the south after-all...
Thursday, May 17, 2007
More Fish in my Sea
Well I have met a few people this week... its kind of ironic really... a few people from my past IMing days came back to pester me this week. Which wasn't a bad thing to be honest... it was kind of nice...
I met "Bubba" last summer and I avoided meeting him at all cost...I'm not to sure why... he seemed to always have some issues going on... and then he did have a son... which i didn't want to complicate myself let alone his life. So I kept pulling back...
We finally met almost 9 months later... he was nice. Nicer and cuter then I imagined him to be... and there was that connection I think... not sure where it will go... but he was nice and cute and I felt like we talked allot...
Then there was MR RIP that very same night... him and I met at an family italian restaurant... very nice... he was nice... smart... had more in common with me intellectually wise then Bubba... we made plans to go to movies sometime soon... no idea what or where or when... but at some point.
I guess this week was my getting on with my life week. There are yes more fish in the sea... and Anchorman can stay with his Anchor cause Im off to bigger and better things. Not to sure the guys I met are them... but hell its a start right?
I have kept more in touch with Bubba this week then I did Mr RIP... We talked on and off... not sure where its going though... because at the end of the day I want someone who wants me and will do everything in his power to get me... sounds dumb I know... but I am sick of doing the work... I want someone who wants me enough to show me.
He does mention sex to me sometimes... which is one of the reasons I never met him.
after meeting I kept going off about how thats not me and he will say well I'm just
talking --how many times do i tell u.
so I have been asking him questions today, to find things to talk about things we might have in common. and now he says " i think you
ask allot of questions, just take things as they go, best advice i can give you, don't worry so much hun. i like ya your cool.
i feel like saying well to be honest my questions r to find out if I like you.. not the other way around
I don't know... I wasn't going to contact him again... but we talked again tonight, him telling me he likes me and all that but he has this ex who he liked and so on and so forth... and I said yes I know... I am going through this too... thats why I want to go sloooow. He did get jealous of Mr Big, the guy that I met tonight... saying "wow you do move fast." I am not sure what that meant and it kind of hurt... but the only reason I told him I was meeting with Mr Big was to get him a little fired up... who the F knows.
Now you are probably wondering who Mr Big is... its kind of Ironic but I think I started talking to him not to soon after Bubba and i started to talk last summer. Through the fall I actually got them a little confused at times... one would tell me something and I would interweave there stories and lives...boith disappearing around the same time as well. Bubba went to Connecticut and Mr Big went to god only knows where...someone he was dating so he says. they both came back in my life around the same time as well...which made me wonder...are they the same person after all? But then there voices were different since I had talked to both numerous times.
I even wondered if maybe they are friends...that was 50% of the reason why I told Bubba about Mr Big...what if they were playing me for a fool and wanted to see...see what I am not sure...but I needed to be honest.
MR big was nice...and we had great conversations...but Ill be honest...Im not sure I am that attracted...he was large...and I KNOW I am not thin...but I def. do not need...I don't know what I want to say without it coming out wrong...but its hard for me to be attracted to him allot of the time...more the thought of something sexual...anyway...I know I am being rediculus...especially since I am more Miss Piggy then Miss Paris...but I am just not sure....so I told him as well as I could tonight that I need time...time to get over Anchorman before I am ready to jump in again...
SO, as you can see...Bubba, Mr RIP, and Mr Big all in the same week...hmmm there are fish in the sea...and all found me attractive...we will see who else will...as time goes on...
I met "Bubba" last summer and I avoided meeting him at all cost...I'm not to sure why... he seemed to always have some issues going on... and then he did have a son... which i didn't want to complicate myself let alone his life. So I kept pulling back...
We finally met almost 9 months later... he was nice. Nicer and cuter then I imagined him to be... and there was that connection I think... not sure where it will go... but he was nice and cute and I felt like we talked allot...
Then there was MR RIP that very same night... him and I met at an family italian restaurant... very nice... he was nice... smart... had more in common with me intellectually wise then Bubba... we made plans to go to movies sometime soon... no idea what or where or when... but at some point.
I guess this week was my getting on with my life week. There are yes more fish in the sea... and Anchorman can stay with his Anchor cause Im off to bigger and better things. Not to sure the guys I met are them... but hell its a start right?
I have kept more in touch with Bubba this week then I did Mr RIP... We talked on and off... not sure where its going though... because at the end of the day I want someone who wants me and will do everything in his power to get me... sounds dumb I know... but I am sick of doing the work... I want someone who wants me enough to show me.
He does mention sex to me sometimes... which is one of the reasons I never met him.
after meeting I kept going off about how thats not me and he will say well I'm just
talking --how many times do i tell u.
so I have been asking him questions today, to find things to talk about things we might have in common. and now he says " i think you
ask allot of questions, just take things as they go, best advice i can give you, don't worry so much hun. i like ya your cool.
i feel like saying well to be honest my questions r to find out if I like you.. not the other way around
I don't know... I wasn't going to contact him again... but we talked again tonight, him telling me he likes me and all that but he has this ex who he liked and so on and so forth... and I said yes I know... I am going through this too... thats why I want to go sloooow. He did get jealous of Mr Big, the guy that I met tonight... saying "wow you do move fast." I am not sure what that meant and it kind of hurt... but the only reason I told him I was meeting with Mr Big was to get him a little fired up... who the F knows.
Now you are probably wondering who Mr Big is... its kind of Ironic but I think I started talking to him not to soon after Bubba and i started to talk last summer. Through the fall I actually got them a little confused at times... one would tell me something and I would interweave there stories and lives...boith disappearing around the same time as well. Bubba went to Connecticut and Mr Big went to god only knows where...someone he was dating so he says. they both came back in my life around the same time as well...which made me wonder...are they the same person after all? But then there voices were different since I had talked to both numerous times.
I even wondered if maybe they are friends...that was 50% of the reason why I told Bubba about Mr Big...what if they were playing me for a fool and wanted to see...see what I am not sure...but I needed to be honest.
MR big was nice...and we had great conversations...but Ill be honest...Im not sure I am that attracted...he was large...and I KNOW I am not thin...but I def. do not need...I don't know what I want to say without it coming out wrong...but its hard for me to be attracted to him allot of the time...more the thought of something sexual...anyway...I know I am being rediculus...especially since I am more Miss Piggy then Miss Paris...but I am just not sure....so I told him as well as I could tonight that I need time...time to get over Anchorman before I am ready to jump in again...
SO, as you can see...Bubba, Mr RIP, and Mr Big all in the same week...hmmm there are fish in the sea...and all found me attractive...we will see who else will...as time goes on...
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
What do people see?
We are officially done... Anchorman and I ... how can someone be two different people at once? He is... its so weird... we made plans tonight... me saying
"so what's the deal with us? only inside again? and no going out ever??
cause I still want to see a movie sometimes and shit... I don't mind
hanging inside like tonight... but then u tell me no to burritos'? I don't want serious but I want more then just a Fun now and then."
Him saying: "Ok, no prob... let's get some Blue Ribbon then!!!
Can I swing by at 6?"
He comes over and we never end up going anywhere, like every other time in the past 7 MONTHS. I confronted him... with me starting to cry because he basically said he was embarrassed of me. He said I took it the wrong way... he just doesn't want anything serious... and I do... I told him to just go... he finally did. I watched his red shirt go out my door and I really really think that was the last time... I don't want someone who doesn't want to be seen with me,,whatever he means. I want to find someone who loves and likes me for ME.
He made me question everyone and everything I know and believe. I have gotten so much better this last year... working at Lane Bryant made me believe in me... in overweight women. We are beautiful and wonderful... who cares if we are not size 0. We are the nicest people you will meet... and the most loyal... the best friend you could have... cause we care about people, not just material things and possessions... it isn't about the person on you arm... its about the person in your heart.
Tonight I am more hurt and afraid of what others think and see of me... rather then what could be with Anchorman. When I ended it the last time... I missed HIM... but now I am just pissed and scared. Scared that everyone including him is right... and what is right? what is he thinking anyway? Is it what's in my head or is it what he feels for real...I am so confused.
I just hope people don't see MIss Piggy when they look at me. I want people to want ME... and not be embarrassed to be seen with me, I don't know... thats what I am feeling tonight... lets hope a good nights sleep will cure me from feeling this shitty tomorrow.
"so what's the deal with us? only inside again? and no going out ever??
cause I still want to see a movie sometimes and shit... I don't mind
hanging inside like tonight... but then u tell me no to burritos'? I don't want serious but I want more then just a Fun now and then."
Him saying: "Ok, no prob... let's get some Blue Ribbon then!!!
Can I swing by at 6?"
He comes over and we never end up going anywhere, like every other time in the past 7 MONTHS. I confronted him... with me starting to cry because he basically said he was embarrassed of me. He said I took it the wrong way... he just doesn't want anything serious... and I do... I told him to just go... he finally did. I watched his red shirt go out my door and I really really think that was the last time... I don't want someone who doesn't want to be seen with me,,whatever he means. I want to find someone who loves and likes me for ME.
He made me question everyone and everything I know and believe. I have gotten so much better this last year... working at Lane Bryant made me believe in me... in overweight women. We are beautiful and wonderful... who cares if we are not size 0. We are the nicest people you will meet... and the most loyal... the best friend you could have... cause we care about people, not just material things and possessions... it isn't about the person on you arm... its about the person in your heart.
Tonight I am more hurt and afraid of what others think and see of me... rather then what could be with Anchorman. When I ended it the last time... I missed HIM... but now I am just pissed and scared. Scared that everyone including him is right... and what is right? what is he thinking anyway? Is it what's in my head or is it what he feels for real...I am so confused.
I just hope people don't see MIss Piggy when they look at me. I want people to want ME... and not be embarrassed to be seen with me, I don't know... thats what I am feeling tonight... lets hope a good nights sleep will cure me from feeling this shitty tomorrow.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Comfort Food
I went to this Burrito place tonight... I think in some odd ways... a burrito has become my comfort food...
I sat there and thought about my life in the last 7 months... it has been interesting... in some weird odd way it revolves around Boca Grande... and burrito's.
One of my first dates was with some guy who I met at Starbucks... we decided to walk to Boca Grande... where only I ate since he had already... this guy and I didn't go so well... it sucked because to this day I can still see his face drop when he saw me...
Then there was The Kangaroo, we made plans to go get Boca Grande... and he stood me up... where I then hung out with The General that night... when I watched him walk out of my life. The very next day is the day I met Anchorman. Where after talking... we decided to meet at Boca Grande for lunch.
On Sunday, I asked Anchorman to go with me to get a Burrito... and after 2 emails with the assumption he was turning me down... he finally emailed me saying he didn't want to go. So I emailed back saying neither did I... meaning I don't want to do this anymore...
IF he is really interested in me he will make me know it... not tell me he doesn't want to spend time with me... so I am not doing this anymore...
I am off to florida for the week... and hope that I can just forget him while I am there. I am kind of at the point of just really really wanting this to end. Last time I did say that but I still missed him... my gut twisted and turned with missing him... but now... he can go F-himself.
So I sat at Boca Grande and thought about how Ironic it all was... it started here... Anchorman and I... and it ended there too... exactly 6 months later. And here I am ...once again eating something that makes me comfortable and where is a guy who can make me feel that good.
I sat there and thought about my life in the last 7 months... it has been interesting... in some weird odd way it revolves around Boca Grande... and burrito's.
One of my first dates was with some guy who I met at Starbucks... we decided to walk to Boca Grande... where only I ate since he had already... this guy and I didn't go so well... it sucked because to this day I can still see his face drop when he saw me...
Then there was The Kangaroo, we made plans to go get Boca Grande... and he stood me up... where I then hung out with The General that night... when I watched him walk out of my life. The very next day is the day I met Anchorman. Where after talking... we decided to meet at Boca Grande for lunch.
On Sunday, I asked Anchorman to go with me to get a Burrito... and after 2 emails with the assumption he was turning me down... he finally emailed me saying he didn't want to go. So I emailed back saying neither did I... meaning I don't want to do this anymore...
IF he is really interested in me he will make me know it... not tell me he doesn't want to spend time with me... so I am not doing this anymore...
I am off to florida for the week... and hope that I can just forget him while I am there. I am kind of at the point of just really really wanting this to end. Last time I did say that but I still missed him... my gut twisted and turned with missing him... but now... he can go F-himself.
So I sat at Boca Grande and thought about how Ironic it all was... it started here... Anchorman and I... and it ended there too... exactly 6 months later. And here I am ...once again eating something that makes me comfortable and where is a guy who can make me feel that good.
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