Life is interesting....
Here I am freaking about a guy...and my step mom is getting worse. I thought she was doing better....she was doing better...or so we thought.
On Saturday my dad called with news that she was put in the hospital. I had a wedding to go to so I couldn't exactly deal with it then...and to be honest I needed a distraction. My dad informed me to stay here and wait until my scheduled time to go...which is a week from today actually. SO...I decided they could all use me more then then right now...I would be going more for my peace of mind then anyone Else's.
She is conscious again....but cant talk...is smiling and aware of people...not sure if she is actually comprehending things.
Its sad...and I am not sure how to deal with it all...I'm scared to go down there next week...it is going to be so hard. The last trip she had aged 10 years in 6 weeks...and this trip I bet she has aged another 20...she has lost weight from the sounds of it...I am also worried about my dad. I dont know what to say to him to make him feel better. I know there is nothing I can do but be there and be supportive...its just I wish I could take away his pain. I wish he didn't have to go through this....well no one for that matter. I hate seeing people in pain...especially someone I love.
I have been talking to Mr BeBe still, even some texts here and there...with one from him at 12:30 in the morning on Saturdays. I get mixed signals from him...but I guess I am at the point of really and truly moving on. I need someone who wants to be with me...and like me...even as a friend. I also need friends right now that can be supportive and understand or at least listen to what I am going through. Me being me...I feel guilty telling people my pain...I don't want to depress them...so I keep it bottled up. As a friend said last night...its me who is sad and going through this...not the people I talk to...they feel bad and are hear to listen, but me talking about it isn't going to make them depressed. SOO...I need friends and people in my life who can be there for me...when I need it.
I do believe F@ck EM'...if you don't like me for what I say...screw it...If you don't like the way I smile...then find someone else to make laugh...If you don't like me...move on...
So as for Mr BeBe I am moving on...if he wants to be my friend...he needs to make the effort to hang out...not say "We will see"
As for the "We will see" in my real like....well life is to short as I am realizing intimately at the moment...so I want to be seen...and not be a "we will see"
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I am sorry
I feel bad that people think I dont like feedback and advice...I really really do...I just am trying to tell everyone that reads this...that I am working on trying to figure things out. YES...as someone has said...I know I need to take action...and I just want you all to know I have been. I have been trying...but I am just not sure what action to take to make me STOP over thinking and STOP the feelings I get when someone tells me that my teeth are to small or say or do something that hurts my feelings. I have been going to therapy...and I wish to god I knew how to stop my thoughts from over analyzing and worrying about why he broke it off rather then move on. I do move on but I also do know I worry about why...and what did I do. I worry about what people think of me...what I said...how I said it...how I sounded and that the words were like...this is stuff I KNOW I need to turn off...and I have been 50% of the time...its more how do I do that when I am trying to sleep...or when I am driving through a stop sign...I jsut am not sure how to turn it off...mental pictures only work so much...cause it seeps in again.
I also know I throw pity or what not around and the way I must sound...but allot of times I write when I am frustrated or upset and you are hearing the flood from within...and when I am happy and excited...I dont write about those moments. Anyway...I hope you all know that I do like feedback and advice...its more that I wanted you to also know this is hard on me and something I have been taking action on...and need allot of help to get me to where I need to be...and I love this blog...because it gets so much of the thoughts out in the open...and yes I like the advice people have to offer...I just wanted you all to know.
Thanks again...and I am sorry if you took it the wrong way.
I also know I throw pity or what not around and the way I must sound...but allot of times I write when I am frustrated or upset and you are hearing the flood from within...and when I am happy and excited...I dont write about those moments. Anyway...I hope you all know that I do like feedback and advice...its more that I wanted you to also know this is hard on me and something I have been taking action on...and need allot of help to get me to where I need to be...and I love this blog...because it gets so much of the thoughts out in the open...and yes I like the advice people have to offer...I just wanted you all to know.
Thanks again...and I am sorry if you took it the wrong way.
Thanks..I do appreciate it
I get responses from people which I LOVE....don't get me wrong...but sometimes people say things that I have never said I didn't need help with. for example:
"I said that you'd blame your lack of confidence/over thinking stuff, as the reason for why this might not work out, and why the guy might not have been into you. Take responsibility for your actions." I have said this yes....but its true...is it not...this is my insecurities and I have said this over and over again that I need to work on this...and have been...this is something I can't close my eyes...take a pill...and change...Damn I have working on this for 29 years...and in the last year and a half I have come a LONG ways...
As for "his didn't 'just happen' you made it happen. You decided to date, you decided to go out with someone, you decided to get wrapped up in the whole thing.Like you said, you're dating to boost your self confidence." I didn't want someone for those reasons alone...I want someone I can have fun with and laugh with...I want someone who I have confidence that this is someone I KNOW wants me enough to stick around and I can be me...i want to have fun and go on day trips with someone...I want to call someone at the last minute and say come over and just hold me. Is that just my "self confidence?"
"Start liking you first lay off the dating for a while, and learn to like you." Isn't this what I said last Post?? And haven't I said this numerous times in the last few months...trust me...I like me much more then I did last year at this time...but I cant change it over night as I said...this is something I am working...something I am trying to figure out...
As I said I appreciate peoples feedback...its just hard sometimes to get things that I feel like I am working on and am trying to figure out. I KNOW THIS STUFF....I just don't know how to do it...if I did don't you think I would be an amazing person by now...since I am 29....I mean this is something I have dealt with since I was 8 years old...I have issues with being accepted and feeling as if someone needs to like me...I know this and am trying to fight the habit.
I don't need to explain myself anymore...cause I am doing what I am trying to break...please people that read this thing...just know this is something I know and I do appreciate feedback...but understand even though I get comments...its something I am working on figuring out...and if I knew how...as I said I wouldn't be having these issues.
"I said that you'd blame your lack of confidence/over thinking stuff, as the reason for why this might not work out, and why the guy might not have been into you. Take responsibility for your actions." I have said this yes....but its true...is it not...this is my insecurities and I have said this over and over again that I need to work on this...and have been...this is something I can't close my eyes...take a pill...and change...Damn I have working on this for 29 years...and in the last year and a half I have come a LONG ways...
As for "his didn't 'just happen' you made it happen. You decided to date, you decided to go out with someone, you decided to get wrapped up in the whole thing.Like you said, you're dating to boost your self confidence." I didn't want someone for those reasons alone...I want someone I can have fun with and laugh with...I want someone who I have confidence that this is someone I KNOW wants me enough to stick around and I can be me...i want to have fun and go on day trips with someone...I want to call someone at the last minute and say come over and just hold me. Is that just my "self confidence?"
"Start liking you first lay off the dating for a while, and learn to like you." Isn't this what I said last Post?? And haven't I said this numerous times in the last few months...trust me...I like me much more then I did last year at this time...but I cant change it over night as I said...this is something I am working...something I am trying to figure out...
As I said I appreciate peoples feedback...its just hard sometimes to get things that I feel like I am working on and am trying to figure out. I KNOW THIS STUFF....I just don't know how to do it...if I did don't you think I would be an amazing person by now...since I am 29....I mean this is something I have dealt with since I was 8 years old...I have issues with being accepted and feeling as if someone needs to like me...I know this and am trying to fight the habit.
I don't need to explain myself anymore...cause I am doing what I am trying to break...please people that read this thing...just know this is something I know and I do appreciate feedback...but understand even though I get comments...its something I am working on figuring out...and if I knew how...as I said I wouldn't be having these issues.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Mr BeBe is...
Well he IMed me tonight...ending things.
So I said OK...what else can I say...but then asked if we could be friends. At the end of the day that's what I wanted...I mean it might be hard...but I am not sure what else...I liked him as a friend...I liked hanging out with him and talking...and laughing...it was fun...I mean I can get over the physical connection...the only thing will be other girls...but until I have to deal with that...so be it.
I also asked: "can u tell me why though? as a friend?"
And got this in response:
It was nice to know...once and for all...and I have become friends with Mr Match who I wouldn't want to trade in...even though I wish things could be different...with both...
Anyway...I have my answer...and I am glad...cause now I can move on...I am not sure I want to date right now...I need friends more then anything...and I do need to figure out how to get rid of the insecurities. I just need to know how.
I have lost 35 pounds officially tonight...I was excited about that...since moving here last March...so its not 50 or 100 but someday it will be. I was excited...10 pounds just from the summer...so maybe I need to do more exercising...
As I said...I am sad...but now I can move on...not sure what end I will end up at...but somewhere out there I will be OK...
I'm sorry for not responding to your messages. I don’t think that I can have any relationships right now. I don’t want to play any games. I'm sorry. And thank you for your time.
So I said OK...what else can I say...but then asked if we could be friends. At the end of the day that's what I wanted...I mean it might be hard...but I am not sure what else...I liked him as a friend...I liked hanging out with him and talking...and laughing...it was fun...I mean I can get over the physical connection...the only thing will be other girls...but until I have to deal with that...so be it.
I also asked: "can u tell me why though? as a friend?"
And got this in response:
"the problem is on my side
and is kinda personal ... I'm sorry"
It was nice to know...once and for all...and I have become friends with Mr Match who I wouldn't want to trade in...even though I wish things could be different...with both...
Anyway...I have my answer...and I am glad...cause now I can move on...I am not sure I want to date right now...I need friends more then anything...and I do need to figure out how to get rid of the insecurities. I just need to know how.
I have lost 35 pounds officially tonight...I was excited about that...since moving here last March...so its not 50 or 100 but someday it will be. I was excited...10 pounds just from the summer...so maybe I need to do more exercising...
As I said...I am sad...but now I can move on...not sure what end I will end up at...but somewhere out there I will be OK...
Sunday, September 16, 2007
hope to
Yea...we will see what happens. I am not contacting again...he needs to make the move to say he wants me...I think we could have fun. I liked him and he made me laugh...I hope that maybe I will still hear from him...
5 times
What is the time to wait for someone after a second date? I know he is busy...cause he has two jobs...as do I...so both are busy...I asked if he was having fun Thursday night...and his response to work was "busy." I didn't contact him friday...and did text today just saying hi and do u work tomorrow. He texted back...saying he was at friends in NH...and that yes he had to work tomorrow. I then texted back: "was gonna see if u wanted 2 get a drink or something tomorrow night...or another time if u have to work late :)" That was this afternoon and I havent heard back.
He said he didn't want games...so I just thought I would see...now me being me...I worry that maybe I shouldn't...maybe I am crowding him...but its not like I texted him 20 times in 2 days...right? or am I nuts all together. BUT...if he doesn't respond what does that mean? Does that mean he isn't interested? Im torn...one part of me says...hmmm I did leave it open ended and I guess...saying another time if you have to work late...I guess maybe he has to work late.
I bought the book "he is just not that into you", it totally makes sense and it made me feel better about everything...if he isnt into me the so be it...Ill move on. In the book it says if he is really into me will call...OK....sooooo does him not calling/texting back a response mean he isnt?
I know I am analyzing this to death...I just dont want to do something that could be voided...I can move on if he isnt interested...Ill feel rejected sure...but Ill move on as always.
I am confused...I think I might be better alone. Its funny because I want someone...I am lonely and it would be nice to see his or a smile that is just for me across a room of friends...I just want someone to hold my hand...but then I go through this...and crying after the second date? I KNOW its my insecurities...its not him...but how can I up this once and for all so I can have fun instead of freaking.
I just think that I have been burned so many times after the second date that I am freaking out...
1 • Dr Jekyl was playing games right after the first date...and finally after the second I knew this wasn't going to work.
2 • The Turkey...it was technically the second date where I freaked on him and started laughing...and couldn't even kiss him...and he freaked (deja vu from the other night?)
3 • Anchorman...he freaked after the second as well....and ended things...which made me think I should have just ended it then and there...why did I fight for a third? Maybe...if things r like this with Al...maybe its better now then later...right? Doesn't feel like that at the moment though...
4 • Mr Festive...we met and then hung out the second time...and I lost touch with him after that...I had such fun with him too...I miss hearing from him...
5 • Mr Match...he ended things after the second as well. Him saying at the end...“I had a really great time tonight, but I just don’t see this going anywhere.” I mean we are still friends...but nothing more then that.
So see these 5...I felt something for at one time or another...and out of all the dates...these 5 hit something that none of the others did. AND all ended it after the second.
So as I said...I am not sure when I should feel like maybe this isn't making sense...and as Greg says in "he just isn't that into you." he will let you know if he is interested...I am not sure...when I will know. And how much of all this is me being paranoid and how much of is it my intuition telling me something...something real.
IF IF IF...I am being right on this...god I hope its only a thought and not real...I guess if me laughing...I feel like that is what did it...it made me look like a dork...someone who isn't confident as well know is true...but maybe that turned him off...I don't know...or maybe the whole date didn't go as I wanted it to. He did smile at me allot and he did lean in close from time to time...but he also had his hands across his chest through most of the movie...see I am not sure what is real and what isn't. I am not being down to get sympathy here...its just 1. my insecurities showing. 2. my past not leaving me alone. 3. I have no way of knowing when to give in and give up.
I know I need some therapy...cause damn it...I might even sabotage this because I am so insecure...which right now I feel like I am doing...
He said he didn't want games...so I just thought I would see...now me being me...I worry that maybe I shouldn't...maybe I am crowding him...but its not like I texted him 20 times in 2 days...right? or am I nuts all together. BUT...if he doesn't respond what does that mean? Does that mean he isn't interested? Im torn...one part of me says...hmmm I did leave it open ended and I guess...saying another time if you have to work late...I guess maybe he has to work late.
I bought the book "he is just not that into you", it totally makes sense and it made me feel better about everything...if he isnt into me the so be it...Ill move on. In the book it says if he is really into me will call...OK....sooooo does him not calling/texting back a response mean he isnt?
I know I am analyzing this to death...I just dont want to do something that could be voided...I can move on if he isnt interested...Ill feel rejected sure...but Ill move on as always.
I am confused...I think I might be better alone. Its funny because I want someone...I am lonely and it would be nice to see his or a smile that is just for me across a room of friends...I just want someone to hold my hand...but then I go through this...and crying after the second date? I KNOW its my insecurities...its not him...but how can I up this once and for all so I can have fun instead of freaking.
I just think that I have been burned so many times after the second date that I am freaking out...
1 • Dr Jekyl was playing games right after the first date...and finally after the second I knew this wasn't going to work.
2 • The Turkey...it was technically the second date where I freaked on him and started laughing...and couldn't even kiss him...and he freaked (deja vu from the other night?)
3 • Anchorman...he freaked after the second as well....and ended things...which made me think I should have just ended it then and there...why did I fight for a third? Maybe...if things r like this with Al...maybe its better now then later...right? Doesn't feel like that at the moment though...
4 • Mr Festive...we met and then hung out the second time...and I lost touch with him after that...I had such fun with him too...I miss hearing from him...
5 • Mr Match...he ended things after the second as well. Him saying at the end...“I had a really great time tonight, but I just don’t see this going anywhere.” I mean we are still friends...but nothing more then that.
So see these 5...I felt something for at one time or another...and out of all the dates...these 5 hit something that none of the others did. AND all ended it after the second.
So as I said...I am not sure when I should feel like maybe this isn't making sense...and as Greg says in "he just isn't that into you." he will let you know if he is interested...I am not sure...when I will know. And how much of all this is me being paranoid and how much of is it my intuition telling me something...something real.
IF IF IF...I am being right on this...god I hope its only a thought and not real...I guess if me laughing...I feel like that is what did it...it made me look like a dork...someone who isn't confident as well know is true...but maybe that turned him off...I don't know...or maybe the whole date didn't go as I wanted it to. He did smile at me allot and he did lean in close from time to time...but he also had his hands across his chest through most of the movie...see I am not sure what is real and what isn't. I am not being down to get sympathy here...its just 1. my insecurities showing. 2. my past not leaving me alone. 3. I have no way of knowing when to give in and give up.
I know I need some therapy...cause damn it...I might even sabotage this because I am so insecure...which right now I feel like I am doing...
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Excerpt from 'He's Just Not That Into You' (thanks USA.com)
Excerpt from 'He's Just Not That Into You'
By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
Chapter One: he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out
Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out
Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.
Now you begin the life-changing experience of reading our book. We have put the stories we have heard and questions we've been asked in a simple question-and-answer format. If you're lucky, you'll read the following questions and know what they are: Excuses that women have made for their unsatisfying situations. If you're not so lucky, we've also included handy titles to clue you in.
The "Maybe He Doesn't Want to Ruin the Friendship" Excuse
Dear Greg,
I'm so disappointed. I have this friend that I've known platonically for about ten years. He lives in a different city and recently he was in town for work, so we met for dinner. All of a sudden it felt like we were on a date. He was completely flirting with me. He even said to me, as he was checking me out, "So, what, you're working the whole 'model thing' now?" (That's flirting, right?) We both agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Greg, I'm disappointed because it's been two weeks and he hasn't called me. Can I call him? He might be nervous about turning the friendship into romance. Can't I give him a nudge now? Isn't that what friends are for?
Jodi
Dear Friendly Girl,
Two weeks is two weeks, except when it's ten years and two weeks. That's how long ago he decided whether or not he could date a model or a girl who looks like one. Can you be a pal and give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster — but watch how fast that nudge doesn't get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel different to him, it's been two weeks and he's had time to think about it and decide he's just not that into you. Here's the truth: Guys don't mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a "(expletive) buddy" situation or a meaningful romance. Go find someone that lives in your zip code who will be rocked to the core by your deep conversation and model looks.
I hate to tell you, but that whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves — we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. And please, don't tell me he's just "scared." The only thing he's scared of — and I say this with a lot of love — is how not attracted to you he is.
The "Maybe He's Intimidated by Me" Excuse
Dear Greg,
I have a crush on my gardener. He's been potting the plants on my patio. It was hot, I saw him without his shirt on, he was hot, and now I'm hot for him. I brought out some beers and we talked. I think he wants to ask me out but is afraid, because he is my hired man. In this situation, can't I ask him out?
Cherie
Dear My Secret Garden,
He's capable of asking you out. Haven't you ever seen a porno? Hope he gets there before the pizza guy. But seriously, if he didn't pick up the vibe after the beer garden, it has nothing to do with you being his big boss lady. Time to stop and smell the bad news: He's just not that into you.
Let me say it again, sexual harassment rules and workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he's into her. He might need a little more encouragement than normal, I'll give you that. You might have to lead Johnny the Office Boy or Phillipe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him ask you out. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it.
By the way, why are you dating the exterminator?
Just kidding, he's a good guy.
The "Maybe He Wants to Take It Slow" Excuse
Dear Greg,
There's this guy who calls me all the time. He's recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, he calls me all the time but doesn't ever suggest we see each other in person again. It's like he got scared or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks. What the hell should I do with this guy?
Jen
Dear Pillow Talk,
Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is massive as far as dating obstacles go. And as far as the recently divorced/newly sober/starting-a-new-life parts, blah blah blah, I'm getting sleepy, it's hot, I'm going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I'll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking control of his life. You, however, will still not be going on a date, because despite all your excuses for him, he's still not asking you out. Now, if you're a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like he's just not that into you. Be his friend if you're at all interested on that level, but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing, because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.
The "But He Gave Me His Number" Excuse
Dear Greg,
I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right?
Lauren
Dear Control Freak,
Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you — or even return your call. Why don't you take Copperfield's number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.
"Give me a call." "E-mail me." "Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime." Don't let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.
The "Maybe He Forgot to Remember Me" Excuse
Dear Greg,
Okay, Greg. Listen to this one: I was at a conference for work and met a guy from another branch of my company. We hit it off immediately. He was just about to ask for my number, I swear, when the Big Blackout of 2003 happened. In the mayhem, I didn't get to give him my number. I think the Big Blackout of 2003 is a good enough excuse to call him, don't you think? It's only common courtesy for me to check up on him, right? If I don't call, he's probably going to be all sad thinking that I'm just not that into him.
Judy
Dear Judy Blackout,
The city blacked out. He didn't. You said you work for different branches of the same company. Certainly he wouldn't have to break a sweat to scroll through the company staff roster or interoffice e-mail listing to find you. And should he not be as resourceful as you are...I imagine that he has a mother, sister, or female friend that could show him how, if he was really interested.
P.S.: Shame on you for using an eastern seaboard disaster as an excuse to call a guy up.
Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he'll still remember you after the tsunami, flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn't, he's not worth your time. Know why? You are great. (Now, don't get cocky.)
The "Maybe I Don't Want to Play Games" Excuse
Dear Greg,
This is dumb. I know you're not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don't care! I don't want to play games. I do whatever I want! I've called guys tons of times. You're such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can't call guys and ask them out?
Nikki
Dear Nikki,
Because we don't like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they're just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It's that simple. I didn't make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don't be mad at me, Nikki. I'm not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature.
Or maybe you're the chosen one.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children — sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.
IT'S SO SIMPLE
Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be." I know it's an infuriating concept — that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you're one of the nine, ladies!) I can't say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.
HERE'S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD, by Liz
Well, it's obvious. Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don't know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. I worked hard for my career, and was quite aggressive about it. I called people, made appointments, asked for favors. I took action. But now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We're just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don't you just tie my corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who'll scoop me out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me? That'll get his attention.
Really, in this day and age, the hardest thing to do for many women, particularly me, is nothing. We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan. And I'm talking about more than just making sure our hair doesn't frizz. Most women who date, I would guess, don't have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there's a long stretch during which nobody's asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it's even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come back again for a long time.
But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn't worked at all. I've never had a successful relationship with a guy that I've pursued. I'm sure there are many stories out there to the contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going out of town for business. Usually it doesn't even get that far. They usually just don't ever return my phone call. And let me tell you, that didn't make me feel very in control of anything.
Since I've been implementing Greg's handy-dandy "he's just not that into you" philosophy, I've been feeling surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There's no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic.
THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Greg
One night I was drinking in a bar and flirting with the bartender. I asked for her number. She said, "I don't give out my phone number because guys rarely call me when they say they're going to. My name is Lindsey Adams, and if you want to call me, find my phone number." Which I did — the very next day. Do you know how many Lindsey Adams there are in the phone book of a major city? Let's just say I talked to about eight or nine before I found mine.
An actor we work with met a girl while he was making a public appearance on an aircraft carrier. He lost track of her in about ten minutes. And yet, because he was so smitten, he somehow managed to track her down in the army, and they are now married.
GREG, I GET IT! By Leslie, age 29
Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that "Oh my God, I think I just met someone!" feeling. He didn't ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I'm just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He's not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I'm just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE GREG
We did an incredibly unscientific poll where we polled twenty of our male friends (ranging from ages twenty-six to forty-five), who are in serious long-term relationships. Not one of their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. One guy even said that if she had, "It would have spoiled all the fun."
What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
• An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."
• Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.
• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
• Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.
• "Hey, let's meet at so-and-so's party/any bar/friend's house" is not a date. Even if you live in New York.
• Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
• You are good enough to be asked out.
Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook
Hey, what's a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it.
Love,
Greg and Liz
Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn't trust my own innate hotness? Yes,you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.
P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn't even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?
Text copyright © 2004 by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
Chapter One: he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out
Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out
Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.
Now you begin the life-changing experience of reading our book. We have put the stories we have heard and questions we've been asked in a simple question-and-answer format. If you're lucky, you'll read the following questions and know what they are: Excuses that women have made for their unsatisfying situations. If you're not so lucky, we've also included handy titles to clue you in.
The "Maybe He Doesn't Want to Ruin the Friendship" Excuse
Dear Greg,
I'm so disappointed. I have this friend that I've known platonically for about ten years. He lives in a different city and recently he was in town for work, so we met for dinner. All of a sudden it felt like we were on a date. He was completely flirting with me. He even said to me, as he was checking me out, "So, what, you're working the whole 'model thing' now?" (That's flirting, right?) We both agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Greg, I'm disappointed because it's been two weeks and he hasn't called me. Can I call him? He might be nervous about turning the friendship into romance. Can't I give him a nudge now? Isn't that what friends are for?
Jodi
Dear Friendly Girl,
Two weeks is two weeks, except when it's ten years and two weeks. That's how long ago he decided whether or not he could date a model or a girl who looks like one. Can you be a pal and give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster — but watch how fast that nudge doesn't get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel different to him, it's been two weeks and he's had time to think about it and decide he's just not that into you. Here's the truth: Guys don't mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a "(expletive) buddy" situation or a meaningful romance. Go find someone that lives in your zip code who will be rocked to the core by your deep conversation and model looks.
I hate to tell you, but that whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves — we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. And please, don't tell me he's just "scared." The only thing he's scared of — and I say this with a lot of love — is how not attracted to you he is.
The "Maybe He's Intimidated by Me" Excuse
Dear Greg,
I have a crush on my gardener. He's been potting the plants on my patio. It was hot, I saw him without his shirt on, he was hot, and now I'm hot for him. I brought out some beers and we talked. I think he wants to ask me out but is afraid, because he is my hired man. In this situation, can't I ask him out?
Cherie
Dear My Secret Garden,
He's capable of asking you out. Haven't you ever seen a porno? Hope he gets there before the pizza guy. But seriously, if he didn't pick up the vibe after the beer garden, it has nothing to do with you being his big boss lady. Time to stop and smell the bad news: He's just not that into you.
Let me say it again, sexual harassment rules and workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he's into her. He might need a little more encouragement than normal, I'll give you that. You might have to lead Johnny the Office Boy or Phillipe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him ask you out. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it.
By the way, why are you dating the exterminator?
Just kidding, he's a good guy.
The "Maybe He Wants to Take It Slow" Excuse
Dear Greg,
There's this guy who calls me all the time. He's recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, he calls me all the time but doesn't ever suggest we see each other in person again. It's like he got scared or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks. What the hell should I do with this guy?
Jen
Dear Pillow Talk,
Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is massive as far as dating obstacles go. And as far as the recently divorced/newly sober/starting-a-new-life parts, blah blah blah, I'm getting sleepy, it's hot, I'm going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I'll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking control of his life. You, however, will still not be going on a date, because despite all your excuses for him, he's still not asking you out. Now, if you're a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like he's just not that into you. Be his friend if you're at all interested on that level, but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing, because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.
The "But He Gave Me His Number" Excuse
Dear Greg,
I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right?
Lauren
Dear Control Freak,
Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you — or even return your call. Why don't you take Copperfield's number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.
"Give me a call." "E-mail me." "Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime." Don't let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.
The "Maybe He Forgot to Remember Me" Excuse
Dear Greg,
Okay, Greg. Listen to this one: I was at a conference for work and met a guy from another branch of my company. We hit it off immediately. He was just about to ask for my number, I swear, when the Big Blackout of 2003 happened. In the mayhem, I didn't get to give him my number. I think the Big Blackout of 2003 is a good enough excuse to call him, don't you think? It's only common courtesy for me to check up on him, right? If I don't call, he's probably going to be all sad thinking that I'm just not that into him.
Judy
Dear Judy Blackout,
The city blacked out. He didn't. You said you work for different branches of the same company. Certainly he wouldn't have to break a sweat to scroll through the company staff roster or interoffice e-mail listing to find you. And should he not be as resourceful as you are...I imagine that he has a mother, sister, or female friend that could show him how, if he was really interested.
P.S.: Shame on you for using an eastern seaboard disaster as an excuse to call a guy up.
Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he'll still remember you after the tsunami, flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn't, he's not worth your time. Know why? You are great. (Now, don't get cocky.)
The "Maybe I Don't Want to Play Games" Excuse
Dear Greg,
This is dumb. I know you're not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don't care! I don't want to play games. I do whatever I want! I've called guys tons of times. You're such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can't call guys and ask them out?
Nikki
Dear Nikki,
Because we don't like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they're just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It's that simple. I didn't make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don't be mad at me, Nikki. I'm not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature.
Or maybe you're the chosen one.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children — sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.
IT'S SO SIMPLE
Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be." I know it's an infuriating concept — that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you're one of the nine, ladies!) I can't say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.
HERE'S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD, by Liz
Well, it's obvious. Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don't know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. I worked hard for my career, and was quite aggressive about it. I called people, made appointments, asked for favors. I took action. But now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We're just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don't you just tie my corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who'll scoop me out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me? That'll get his attention.
Really, in this day and age, the hardest thing to do for many women, particularly me, is nothing. We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan. And I'm talking about more than just making sure our hair doesn't frizz. Most women who date, I would guess, don't have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there's a long stretch during which nobody's asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it's even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come back again for a long time.
But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn't worked at all. I've never had a successful relationship with a guy that I've pursued. I'm sure there are many stories out there to the contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going out of town for business. Usually it doesn't even get that far. They usually just don't ever return my phone call. And let me tell you, that didn't make me feel very in control of anything.
Since I've been implementing Greg's handy-dandy "he's just not that into you" philosophy, I've been feeling surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There's no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic.
THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Greg
One night I was drinking in a bar and flirting with the bartender. I asked for her number. She said, "I don't give out my phone number because guys rarely call me when they say they're going to. My name is Lindsey Adams, and if you want to call me, find my phone number." Which I did — the very next day. Do you know how many Lindsey Adams there are in the phone book of a major city? Let's just say I talked to about eight or nine before I found mine.
An actor we work with met a girl while he was making a public appearance on an aircraft carrier. He lost track of her in about ten minutes. And yet, because he was so smitten, he somehow managed to track her down in the army, and they are now married.
GREG, I GET IT! By Leslie, age 29
Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that "Oh my God, I think I just met someone!" feeling. He didn't ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I'm just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He's not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I'm just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else.
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE GREG
We did an incredibly unscientific poll where we polled twenty of our male friends (ranging from ages twenty-six to forty-five), who are in serious long-term relationships. Not one of their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. One guy even said that if she had, "It would have spoiled all the fun."
What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter
• An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."
• Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.
• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.
• Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.
• "Hey, let's meet at so-and-so's party/any bar/friend's house" is not a date. Even if you live in New York.
• Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.
• You are good enough to be asked out.
Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook
Hey, what's a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it.
Love,
Greg and Liz
Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn't trust my own innate hotness? Yes,you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.
P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn't even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?
Text copyright © 2004 by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Deja Vu
I had the date...we ended up changing plans...but he picked me up at work...and we drove a bit...stopped for food...even at a place that brought Anchorman memories...we tried to see a movie but all were to late...so we decided to go to another. I actually did offer my house to watch a movie...knowing he had drove a bit already...but he said no...the plan was to see a movie. So me being me...I am hoping to god it was a good thing he said that...that he is a real guy...a gentleman who did just want to see a movie...and not because he didn't want to be in my apartment.
We saw a movie...and wanted to touch his hand the whole night but I am wimp and don't know how to make the first move...
Then came when he dropped me off at home...we sat in the car...it was awkward...and I laughed cause I was nervous. Why cant I be this great person who doesn't freak over a first kiss? Why cant it be natural? Instead...I freak...we drove around a bit more after a hug and an awkward silence...maybe he didn't want to say goodnight after all...we then reworked our way to exactly the same spot...dejavu. I was nervous still and laughed again. I was honest with him though...and its odd cause I do feel like myself when I am with him. I am very comfortable and have even told him things that i usually don't tell someone I have known for such a small amount of time...for example me telling him on the spin around the block that I wanted to make the first move and was/am to nervous to do it. I just said it...I said I am not sure it will reciprocated...and he didn't know what to say...which means its a good thing or a bad one...and I didn't know how else to describe it.
As I said...when we arrived back to the same spot...he finally kissed me...it was nice...awkward because I was so nervous...was he? But it was nice...just different. I laughed again and got the...why laugh? I am nervous...as I grabbed his hand...why nervous he says? I don't know I just am...finally I stepped out of the car...I was excited but also scared...
I walked into my place worrying I scared him off...when I went on the date with the turkey...I did the same thing...and he freaked about that and broke it off the next day...
We just talked...only 30 min after...and I said I was sorry that I get nervous and that I had fun. He said everything is OK twice...and said I had fun tonight too...did he? Did he really? I am just nervous...and yes scared...I guess I am just never sure how to act. How to be excited rather then scared...maybe it is just all rolled up into one big ball...but its there and its real...
I guess only time will tel...will we or wont we have a third? I want to hope and say sure there will be...he wouldn't have kissed me and said he had fun and that everything is OK if he wasn't interested...but then what if he comes to his senses and wonders...what is this girl?? I am cant deal...or something or other...
We shall see...we shall see.
We saw a movie...and wanted to touch his hand the whole night but I am wimp and don't know how to make the first move...
Then came when he dropped me off at home...we sat in the car...it was awkward...and I laughed cause I was nervous. Why cant I be this great person who doesn't freak over a first kiss? Why cant it be natural? Instead...I freak...we drove around a bit more after a hug and an awkward silence...maybe he didn't want to say goodnight after all...we then reworked our way to exactly the same spot...dejavu. I was nervous still and laughed again. I was honest with him though...and its odd cause I do feel like myself when I am with him. I am very comfortable and have even told him things that i usually don't tell someone I have known for such a small amount of time...for example me telling him on the spin around the block that I wanted to make the first move and was/am to nervous to do it. I just said it...I said I am not sure it will reciprocated...and he didn't know what to say...which means its a good thing or a bad one...and I didn't know how else to describe it.
As I said...when we arrived back to the same spot...he finally kissed me...it was nice...awkward because I was so nervous...was he? But it was nice...just different. I laughed again and got the...why laugh? I am nervous...as I grabbed his hand...why nervous he says? I don't know I just am...finally I stepped out of the car...I was excited but also scared...
I walked into my place worrying I scared him off...when I went on the date with the turkey...I did the same thing...and he freaked about that and broke it off the next day...
We just talked...only 30 min after...and I said I was sorry that I get nervous and that I had fun. He said everything is OK twice...and said I had fun tonight too...did he? Did he really? I am just nervous...and yes scared...I guess I am just never sure how to act. How to be excited rather then scared...maybe it is just all rolled up into one big ball...but its there and its real...
I guess only time will tel...will we or wont we have a third? I want to hope and say sure there will be...he wouldn't have kissed me and said he had fun and that everything is OK if he wasn't interested...but then what if he comes to his senses and wonders...what is this girl?? I am cant deal...or something or other...
We shall see...we shall see.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Mr BeBe
So I had a date on Friday night...and have been nervous to write about it here...I am afraid he will find it or find out about it...I am afraid I will jinx it...I am afraid of the comments that will make me doubt things that I feel or don't.
He was great...much cuter then his pics that I had seen on myspace. He had an accent to die for...and we have allot of things in common...he was sweet...and nice...normal...lived with roommates no mom and dad...just all around a nice guy...and was a gentleman from 7:15 until he dropped me off at my car at 1:15. I got a hug and we said our goodbyes. I liked him...allot.
I was so nervous on Saturday...what if he wants to be just friends...what if I like him like some in my past and he doesn't feel the same way and tells me he wants to be "just friends" You know me by now...I worry. I think sometimes I do sabotage myself because I get scared...and honestly that is something I can deal with and understand....its almost easier for me to be alone...cause I know what the feels like...I know how to handle it. BUT to get my heart broken even if it is something that was just a flicker...I get scared...what is better...the heart break that may never be...or the amazing possibilities that could.
I did get a text though...and then we texted on Sunday as well...along with some IMs that made me think he might be interested in more then friendship...but still keeping him in the gentleman corner.
We are going out on Wed...to a movie...since he asked "so when are we going to meet again." I got giddy and smiled to myself...I said, "you tell me..."
SO wed it is...as I always say...we shall see....
:) :)
He was great...much cuter then his pics that I had seen on myspace. He had an accent to die for...and we have allot of things in common...he was sweet...and nice...normal...lived with roommates no mom and dad...just all around a nice guy...and was a gentleman from 7:15 until he dropped me off at my car at 1:15. I got a hug and we said our goodbyes. I liked him...allot.
I was so nervous on Saturday...what if he wants to be just friends...what if I like him like some in my past and he doesn't feel the same way and tells me he wants to be "just friends" You know me by now...I worry. I think sometimes I do sabotage myself because I get scared...and honestly that is something I can deal with and understand....its almost easier for me to be alone...cause I know what the feels like...I know how to handle it. BUT to get my heart broken even if it is something that was just a flicker...I get scared...what is better...the heart break that may never be...or the amazing possibilities that could.
I did get a text though...and then we texted on Sunday as well...along with some IMs that made me think he might be interested in more then friendship...but still keeping him in the gentleman corner.
We are going out on Wed...to a movie...since he asked "so when are we going to meet again." I got giddy and smiled to myself...I said, "you tell me..."
SO wed it is...as I always say...we shall see....
:) :)
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Ok Cupid
So I joined OK Cupid a few months ago. I don't get many responses...and I am trying NOT to take this personally...I mean allot of people look at my profile...but I don't get many hits... I did get one email though...not sure what in hell he is saying: but here ya go:
and he left this comment for me:
and he left this comment for me:
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