I just moved to the beach… I think I may be in heaven. This is amazing… I love living alone… no one to talk to when I am so tired I can’t even smile. I love waking up at 2am and going to the bathroom with my eyes closed and the bathroom door wide open. I love my cat’s purr as she looks outside the many windows. I love when I walk in the door, she is waiting and the sun is shining. I see light at the end of the tunnel… literally! My living room, kitchen and bedroom have 7 windows total… amazing light! I think I am in love!
I went for a walk last night… on the beach… the sky was a purplish blue-black color and the wind was cold… but it was amazing and beautiful. I walked up the sidewalk… towards the stone fence that blocks the rocks of the beach. It isn’t a beach really… just rocks and water. Honestly I am not sure what the definition of beach is… so if it’s the entire coast then hells… I live right off the beach… but if a beach means white sand and blue water… then I am living far from the beach. Whatever the case… I love the sound of the waves hitting the rocks; I love the smell of the salt in the air…
There were surfers in front of me… what the heck! Surfers… near Boston? Where have I been for three years…. Surfers! And they were near my age… I thought for sure they must be 17-18… but not 30! I mean maybe 25-35… but man it was F-ing COLD… were they nuts? They did have black wet suits on… and I wondered how warm they really were… they were nuts!
I was uncomfortable walking near the small group of guys and a dog. I just walk by and maybe smiled? I walked toward the end of the sidewalk… walking towards two women and another dog… they were watching a group of surfers walking into the waves… I shook my head as I walked up to them saying, “they are crazy… it’s so cold out there!” The lady with the dog said, “Ha! Are you from Texas too?”
We talked then… the three of us… those two a bit older then me… the lady standing on the rock tells me her son was one of the one’s surfing…. He was from New town… I was like what! “I just moved from there!” She finally says, “Ok I better go take a picture… this is why I came… to take a picture.” We said our goodbyes and walked away… I walked around a bit… and then out to the water… watching the surfers… amazed by them and there passion to be out there in that cold cold water…
I stopped next to the lady with the son one more time… we talked about what I did… where we were from… me vt… her visiting her son who just graduated college-she was from Texas… he just got his masters she says… but has started his own landscaping business… was doing good… I imagined some little boy… maybe he resembled my cousbro in st Augustine…. But that is how I imagined him…
I said my goodbyes and walked away… walked near the water down the rocks… away from the surfers…. I sat on the rocks and talked to my mom… watched the coast… watched the lady and her son… I walked some more and stood and watched the cruise ship come out of the harbor… it was funny to see such a ship out there… and I am in Boston not Florida!
As I walked up to the sidewalk… I noticed the lady with her son was just getting into his car. I got this twist in my stomach and I thought about turning around… I did not want to walk up there… he was older then I thought he would be was my first thought… he was using a towel to wipe out his hair… and he just watched me… I was super uncomfortable. and I just smiled and said you are nuts… when he laughed my stomach dropped… he had the best smile… he turns and walks to his truck… I follow since this is the only way to the sidewalk… I see his mom in the truck… I smile and wave… he see’s this and smiles… he stops at his back and says…
“So you just moved here my mom said?”
I said “yea,” he says,
“How long ago?”
“2 weeks”
“Wow, yea you just moved here huh”
“Laugh yup, I love it though!”
“I am MR Surfer by the way”
“I am K”
“Nice to meet you… I have a few married couples friends that live right here… they seem to love it… I should get your number and have them call you.”
He had the best smile and the most AMAZING blue/green eyes… man… why is he talking to me? I thought for sure he was going to be an ass… he was too hot to be anything else…
“Sure,” I say. Shocked.
He goes toward his mom… leans in… with his black sweat suit stretched over his thighs… oh my!” He asks her to find a notepad he has sitting there… a notepad that I have had… an artists notepad… and writes my number… says his friends were super cool… chill… live not to far away. I was trying to hold onto my pure awe of him… not sure how well I did to be honest… as I said, “that would be great!”
He smiles and says I will have them give you a call, there names are Sue and Stan… I smiled and said thanks. He was like, I know what its like to move to a new place… not knowing anyone… I laughed and said yea… I moved 10 miles away from most of my friends and I feel like it’s 100… he laughed and said “I can so see that…”
“Nice to meet you!” I was like nice to meet you too!
Oh my god… my heart was racing… it happened… it has been a long time since that has happened… oh my god…so hot!!!
I hope to god he calls… I have decided to not obsess about it and maybe he will… god maybe he will… I may just have to go back to the beach… watch the surfers more often… maybe there are more cute surfer boys… not to old AND def not to young. Not so far yet.
But man, he was nice! I hope he calls… he prolly has a woman… but as I said… maybe there will be someone else just as nice and just as cute… and make my heart race once again.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
Home is where the heart
My 5 resolutions this were:
1. Be happy!
2. Smile everyday
3. Gym 2-4 times a week
4. Keep losing weight
5. Enjoy being single… learn to live life with no regrets.
Hmm am I doing these? I think so actually… I have had a pretty good year so far. I haven’t been dating… so I haven’t been worrying about that… so that is one thing… so that means I answered number 1 + 5. I def smile everyday (2)… even if I have to smoke to prove it. As for as losing weight and gym…. I have been working on it… that I might not hit the gym…. I do do exercise…. And I did join the biggest loser contest at the gym!
I went to a sort of impromptu 9-year reunion last weekend. It was fun… and great to see everyone’s smiling faces. I love remembering how we used to be… how things have changed but also had stayed the same.
I talked about my job… since that is the first thing everyone asks. What do I say? How it’s so great to even have one in these rough times. That it sucks some days so much I want to walk back… and get in my silver jetta… and drive right to Vermont. Leave my attic room goodbye and never look back. Maybe I would be ok with that… maybe that my dream of an amazing job with an amazing family at home is more then working with universal or jet blue… its just about being happy and respected. Maybe going home on time to a family who loves me… maybe that is ok… maybe its ok to say my dreams have changed, but I guess that is the thing isn’t it? How can I do that with no family? Why leave early when I have no one to leave early for? Everyone knows this… everyone knows that I don’t… so my work is my life.
No one asks you how your friends are? I was just thinking about catching up with people… and honestly? What do I say? I’m not going to say oh yea the other day I found out two of my friends are having an affair? Who cares? Or that my cousin makes me want to shake her like you would a crying child. I am not going to say… yea I come home to an attic room… a room that is just mine and my cats. Do you know what cat litter close up smells like… no matter how clean your cat is… you in a nutshell have your cat’s bathroom right in your room… your life is in this one little room.
What else do I have? Friends? Hmm… yea I hung out with my roommate the other day and went to the mall… found Ann Taylor Jeans for 11.95! I mean who cares right?
But my job… now that at least I know something about. I won’t say that I am dismissed everyday… I won’t talk about respect and day-to-day stuff. I’ll just say I am living my dream! Designing for Universal… for Dunkin Donuts… I mean come on! The 22-year-old interns are envious of me… and all I want to do is go home. But hey… they are national clients… no job is perfect! That’s why we call it work!
I said in my college graduation that my dream was to be working with national clients. I never thought about how I would feel once I got there. That I still feel like a nobody… that I just want to go home.
Home is where the heart is after all.
1. Be happy!
2. Smile everyday
3. Gym 2-4 times a week
4. Keep losing weight
5. Enjoy being single… learn to live life with no regrets.
Hmm am I doing these? I think so actually… I have had a pretty good year so far. I haven’t been dating… so I haven’t been worrying about that… so that is one thing… so that means I answered number 1 + 5. I def smile everyday (2)… even if I have to smoke to prove it. As for as losing weight and gym…. I have been working on it… that I might not hit the gym…. I do do exercise…. And I did join the biggest loser contest at the gym!
I went to a sort of impromptu 9-year reunion last weekend. It was fun… and great to see everyone’s smiling faces. I love remembering how we used to be… how things have changed but also had stayed the same.
I talked about my job… since that is the first thing everyone asks. What do I say? How it’s so great to even have one in these rough times. That it sucks some days so much I want to walk back… and get in my silver jetta… and drive right to Vermont. Leave my attic room goodbye and never look back. Maybe I would be ok with that… maybe that my dream of an amazing job with an amazing family at home is more then working with universal or jet blue… its just about being happy and respected. Maybe going home on time to a family who loves me… maybe that is ok… maybe its ok to say my dreams have changed, but I guess that is the thing isn’t it? How can I do that with no family? Why leave early when I have no one to leave early for? Everyone knows this… everyone knows that I don’t… so my work is my life.
No one asks you how your friends are? I was just thinking about catching up with people… and honestly? What do I say? I’m not going to say oh yea the other day I found out two of my friends are having an affair? Who cares? Or that my cousin makes me want to shake her like you would a crying child. I am not going to say… yea I come home to an attic room… a room that is just mine and my cats. Do you know what cat litter close up smells like… no matter how clean your cat is… you in a nutshell have your cat’s bathroom right in your room… your life is in this one little room.
What else do I have? Friends? Hmm… yea I hung out with my roommate the other day and went to the mall… found Ann Taylor Jeans for 11.95! I mean who cares right?
But my job… now that at least I know something about. I won’t say that I am dismissed everyday… I won’t talk about respect and day-to-day stuff. I’ll just say I am living my dream! Designing for Universal… for Dunkin Donuts… I mean come on! The 22-year-old interns are envious of me… and all I want to do is go home. But hey… they are national clients… no job is perfect! That’s why we call it work!
I said in my college graduation that my dream was to be working with national clients. I never thought about how I would feel once I got there. That I still feel like a nobody… that I just want to go home.
Home is where the heart is after all.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Is that so bad?
I watched the movie Two Lovers tonight... it was a free one so why not? Made me think...
Summary from IMDB.com
Two Lovers is a romantic drama set in New York City. It tells the story of Leonard (Joaquin Phoenix), an attractive but depressed young man who moves back in with his parents following a recent heartbreak. An aspiring photographer, Leonard works part-time at his father's dry-cleaners. His concerned parents try to set him up with Sandra (Vinessa Shaw), the sweet and caring daughter of a close family friend. A big family dinner serves as their introduction and Leonard arranges to see her again. Then late one night Leonard looks out his bedroom window and notices a ravishing young woman he's never seen before. Michelle (Gwyneth Paltrow) recently moved into an apartment in his family's building - an apartment paid for by the wealthy married man she's seeing.
It made me think about love and marriage, what's real and what isn't? I've know people who have affairs... what does that mean about them? the significant other? the other woman? I mean how can the person(he) cheat? He lives two lives I suppose... and what about the other person? Is the other woman so weak she can't live without him... or is that person just doing what he is... living their own lives... together and happy... who cares that when he goes home he is going to another bed... as long as you don't think about it to much then all is good right? Maybe he tells her he loves her and he will leave his family for her... I then wonder about the wife... what does she know but keeps hidden... afraid of what the truth will tell her... or does she just love him that much? Maybe its enough?
In this movie... the Two Lovers, had a the other woman, the husband, the guy who loves the other woman, and the girl who loves that man.
I could see myself in the the girl who loves that man... she was the girl who is forgotten... who is misplaced... who is the fall back girl. I wonder if she knew he was taken... not married... but taken because he was always somewheres else when he was with her... when his heart gets broken... you are the one he will turn to. Is that ok? He must love you somewhat... enough to live with you the rest of his life. But is that so bad? Isn't a long love that is comfortable and balanced better then passion and fights and tears?
I was upset at the end... thinking how she has no clue that the ring he buys her is really meant for someone else. She thinks his tears are for her rather then the for someone else.
He must care enough about her to marry her... I keep going back to... he likes spending time with her... or how else could he do what he is doing? He must grow to love her, and if so... is that ok?
All of them settled... If I was her... would it be ok that he settled with me... as long as we are happy and loved life...
Summary from IMDB.com
Two Lovers is a romantic drama set in New York City. It tells the story of Leonard (Joaquin Phoenix), an attractive but depressed young man who moves back in with his parents following a recent heartbreak. An aspiring photographer, Leonard works part-time at his father's dry-cleaners. His concerned parents try to set him up with Sandra (Vinessa Shaw), the sweet and caring daughter of a close family friend. A big family dinner serves as their introduction and Leonard arranges to see her again. Then late one night Leonard looks out his bedroom window and notices a ravishing young woman he's never seen before. Michelle (Gwyneth Paltrow) recently moved into an apartment in his family's building - an apartment paid for by the wealthy married man she's seeing.
It made me think about love and marriage, what's real and what isn't? I've know people who have affairs... what does that mean about them? the significant other? the other woman? I mean how can the person(he) cheat? He lives two lives I suppose... and what about the other person? Is the other woman so weak she can't live without him... or is that person just doing what he is... living their own lives... together and happy... who cares that when he goes home he is going to another bed... as long as you don't think about it to much then all is good right? Maybe he tells her he loves her and he will leave his family for her... I then wonder about the wife... what does she know but keeps hidden... afraid of what the truth will tell her... or does she just love him that much? Maybe its enough?
In this movie... the Two Lovers, had a the other woman, the husband, the guy who loves the other woman, and the girl who loves that man.
I could see myself in the the girl who loves that man... she was the girl who is forgotten... who is misplaced... who is the fall back girl. I wonder if she knew he was taken... not married... but taken because he was always somewheres else when he was with her... when his heart gets broken... you are the one he will turn to. Is that ok? He must love you somewhat... enough to live with you the rest of his life. But is that so bad? Isn't a long love that is comfortable and balanced better then passion and fights and tears?
I was upset at the end... thinking how she has no clue that the ring he buys her is really meant for someone else. She thinks his tears are for her rather then the for someone else.
He must care enough about her to marry her... I keep going back to... he likes spending time with her... or how else could he do what he is doing? He must grow to love her, and if so... is that ok?
All of them settled... If I was her... would it be ok that he settled with me... as long as we are happy and loved life...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Not so crazy
I went out last night with a crazy blind date guy. He forgot until I sent the "I'm late text!" Oh well he was nice to come even though he had been asleep when he got the reminder. We were very different... not in a bad or good way... just different culturally. He isn't my usual... but he wasn't bad either. We exchanged numbers and talked about hanging out again sometime. Not sure what that means... I am not sure either one of us knows... he did walk me to my car at the end of the drinks... was super sweet.
Not much new besides that. I have been trying to meet new people... going out with friends and whatnot... but at times its always the same ol same ol... and no one new comes around... I have decided to just have a nice time and not worry if this is the night I might meet the next cutie.
I am not doing so good at the gym resolution. In other words I need to getta move on! Literally!! My goal is 304 times this week before I hit Atlanta... then I need to just eat OK rather then go hog wild while away!
Keeping busy is my motto for the next few weeks... get me through the winter dep that can hit! Happy and busy = me!
Not much new besides that. I have been trying to meet new people... going out with friends and whatnot... but at times its always the same ol same ol... and no one new comes around... I have decided to just have a nice time and not worry if this is the night I might meet the next cutie.
I am not doing so good at the gym resolution. In other words I need to getta move on! Literally!! My goal is 304 times this week before I hit Atlanta... then I need to just eat OK rather then go hog wild while away!
Keeping busy is my motto for the next few weeks... get me through the winter dep that can hit! Happy and busy = me!
Monday, January 26, 2009
I'm done!
I have def been trying to go out more... meet new people. It has been fun at times and other times, the drama can be annoying. When you meet people... you know that everyone there is there to meet others as well. As I meet new people, it can be frustrating because I feel like I am back in high school. I guess I feel like I am 30 and been through this before. I am not in the mood to do this all over again 15 years later. I know who I am and what interests me... so why do I feel like this? I guess its the problem I have rather then others. I see people and only expect the best... and not everyone is really doing what they do with best intentions... they are there to have fun... whatever way that may be. As I look around the bars or parties I think about that... and I guess that is what you see in the movies and on TV... people having fun... and if they are bored they figure out a way to have fun... whatever that may entail.
I have had a rough few weeks... work... friends... family. Not much is going right to be honest... and what do I do about it? I could lie in bed with my heated blanket over my head or I could just keep on moving. I went to the mountains this weekend... I sat around with my mom and just had a nice relaxing time. I didn't have to talk to anyone... or see anyone... it was the best place for me to be. I have had time to think... the good and the ugly... which can be good and bad. I came to a lot of conclusions, one is not taking people's BS anymore. I guess its more that the BS is what they do when they want to have fun or the be in power. I let people walk over me...
I have hit a wall though... I can't do it anymore. Has anyone seen the movie "Run, Fat Boy, Run"? Well in the movie they mention hitting a wall when running and your body just stops... you literally feel like you have hit a wall. That is me... I am done being nice to people. Sure, I am not going to be a bitch... more that I am not giving anyone the time of day until they give me the same.
I am amazed that people can do things to hurt other people. If they are being catty and talking about someone behind there back... or if they are lieing to get attention... or maybe they are laughing right in your face and you allow it to happen... over and over again. That is, until my bright red wall that I just hit... with bright white letters that say in all caps STOP!
No more feeling like shit because someone is telling stories about me to anyone who will listen. I am 30 not 13 and want to live my life for what is important... nothing more... nothing less... because who is the most important person in my life? that is right... me... and I am going to live for me and me only...
OK... I am going off on tangents and am not sure what I am trying to say... more that I am standing up straight and am not looking back or down ever again.
I have had a rough few weeks... work... friends... family. Not much is going right to be honest... and what do I do about it? I could lie in bed with my heated blanket over my head or I could just keep on moving. I went to the mountains this weekend... I sat around with my mom and just had a nice relaxing time. I didn't have to talk to anyone... or see anyone... it was the best place for me to be. I have had time to think... the good and the ugly... which can be good and bad. I came to a lot of conclusions, one is not taking people's BS anymore. I guess its more that the BS is what they do when they want to have fun or the be in power. I let people walk over me...
I have hit a wall though... I can't do it anymore. Has anyone seen the movie "Run, Fat Boy, Run"? Well in the movie they mention hitting a wall when running and your body just stops... you literally feel like you have hit a wall. That is me... I am done being nice to people. Sure, I am not going to be a bitch... more that I am not giving anyone the time of day until they give me the same.
I am amazed that people can do things to hurt other people. If they are being catty and talking about someone behind there back... or if they are lieing to get attention... or maybe they are laughing right in your face and you allow it to happen... over and over again. That is, until my bright red wall that I just hit... with bright white letters that say in all caps STOP!
No more feeling like shit because someone is telling stories about me to anyone who will listen. I am 30 not 13 and want to live my life for what is important... nothing more... nothing less... because who is the most important person in my life? that is right... me... and I am going to live for me and me only...
OK... I am going off on tangents and am not sure what I am trying to say... more that I am standing up straight and am not looking back or down ever again.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
30 and loving it!
I never did hear back from Mr Joe... the guy from last Saturday night... he texted me something mid week which didn't make sense, so I texted a huh? He followed with a "sorry, was deleting old texts and must have clicked send." and that was all folks!
Its fine... I wasn't feeling it either way... but he was divorced and had a son... he talked some about her... the ex... and it was interesting... because truth be told... I was his ex! Obviously not literally... but she was a designer too... and she was liked to move around... after a few years she gets restless. That scared me some... not that there was something wrong with her... it was more that maybe I wasn't right for him... Mr Joe that is. I would have reminded him of his ex and that would not be good... for either of us.
I have been thinking about my crush and just single guys in general. When you meet someone off the Internet... you KNOW its a date. You are both looking for the same thing. But when you meet someone through friends or through work... how do you show that you could be interested without being to obvious? I don't want to be desperate and needy... and I don't want to be talked about behind my back. I know it happens... as it happens with friends... but I am interested but I am not desperate. I feel like if someone wants me they can come and get me. But then I wonder when I do this... will he think I am not interested at all? SO what is that fine line? Because I don't want to overwhelm and look like an ass and at the same time if some single guy is shy I don't show enough interest... he may think I'm just not all that into him!
So... just a thought I've had in general these days... I guess because I am trying to not worry about meeting the perfect guy right now... I just want to have fun with it... I am trying to live up to my resolutions and really just enjoy being me and single. 30 and loving it! I guess as it always has... I worry about people thinking I'm to much of a flirt or just worry about people laughing at me... I hate that I care... but somehow I do!
Its fine... I wasn't feeling it either way... but he was divorced and had a son... he talked some about her... the ex... and it was interesting... because truth be told... I was his ex! Obviously not literally... but she was a designer too... and she was liked to move around... after a few years she gets restless. That scared me some... not that there was something wrong with her... it was more that maybe I wasn't right for him... Mr Joe that is. I would have reminded him of his ex and that would not be good... for either of us.
I have been thinking about my crush and just single guys in general. When you meet someone off the Internet... you KNOW its a date. You are both looking for the same thing. But when you meet someone through friends or through work... how do you show that you could be interested without being to obvious? I don't want to be desperate and needy... and I don't want to be talked about behind my back. I know it happens... as it happens with friends... but I am interested but I am not desperate. I feel like if someone wants me they can come and get me. But then I wonder when I do this... will he think I am not interested at all? SO what is that fine line? Because I don't want to overwhelm and look like an ass and at the same time if some single guy is shy I don't show enough interest... he may think I'm just not all that into him!
So... just a thought I've had in general these days... I guess because I am trying to not worry about meeting the perfect guy right now... I just want to have fun with it... I am trying to live up to my resolutions and really just enjoy being me and single. 30 and loving it! I guess as it always has... I worry about people thinking I'm to much of a flirt or just worry about people laughing at me... I hate that I care... but somehow I do!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Fun!
Yikes, I do have a slight crush! What the heck... I like it and the feelings... but then at the same time I hate it... I hate not knowing and assuming things... either for or against...
I did meet someone new tonight. We have been emailing and talking on the phone for the last 6 weeks or so. We were suppose to meet a few times... but his power went out and then with the Holidays it just never happened. He was cute... and nice... and smart. He is a dad which is fine... he didn't pay though for the pizza. It wasn't that much and he didn't offer to pick up the tab. I am not sure how I feel about that... but he is a fellow Vermonter and even lived in the town over from me for a few college years. So he was nice... will he call?
I am trying to play it cool this year... and enjoy my slight little crush and have fun going on dates... meeting new people... seeing who is out there. People are right... honestly there is not rush... just have fun... my new motto! for tonight anyway!
I did meet someone new tonight. We have been emailing and talking on the phone for the last 6 weeks or so. We were suppose to meet a few times... but his power went out and then with the Holidays it just never happened. He was cute... and nice... and smart. He is a dad which is fine... he didn't pay though for the pizza. It wasn't that much and he didn't offer to pick up the tab. I am not sure how I feel about that... but he is a fellow Vermonter and even lived in the town over from me for a few college years. So he was nice... will he call?
I am trying to play it cool this year... and enjoy my slight little crush and have fun going on dates... meeting new people... seeing who is out there. People are right... honestly there is not rush... just have fun... my new motto! for tonight anyway!
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