Breaking the cycle.

Yesterday.
I cut my hair soooo short last night. My intention was NEVER this short. I am freaking out actually. Should I go and buy a wig on this halloween sunday? Oh my god... what was I thinking? And I might be seeing Mr Jam friday... and oh my god- what if he thinks- yuck I hate short hair- although he is bald... so not sure how he can judge- since he has no choice. BUT... I am really and truly freaking about my hair.

Tonight.
I decided I liked the hair. It took me a day to come to terms with having the short hair again. I do think its shorter then I wanted. One minute, I look in the mirror and see my face 50 pounds ago... and then I look and see a cute girl. Who is the real me I wonder? Both I guess.

I sent Mr Jam an email... he did respond saying he would fill me in more later. I didn't mention next friday or saturday. I am going to try the hardest to wait until i hear from him before I see him online and say hi. I worry one minute that I am showing to much of myself to soon... that we talked to much online the first few weeks. Then I worry that I am not showing enough... that I act like more of a friend then someone who wants more. I worry... worry and oh yea worry.

I made an effort to try to change my way... my track record. I have stayed offline for the last year and a half. I enjoy making jewelry... doing a puzzle... going to the dog park... life... anything but checking my emails... its kind of like when we are 16 and waiting for the phone to ring. You check the sent mail... wonder if you got the right email. You check IM... yup... working. You IM someone... yup you are online... just like calling the operator just to see if the phone is working.

I am NOT doing that anymore... I am scared though. I do like him... this crush of mine. What if he is just going to end up being the same as every other? What if he isn't into me. What if I am making things up to make myself believe. Not making up per-say... more like hearing what you want to hear. What is real and what is not? What is my head thinking things that are not there. It could be what I believed last monday was real... or was it? Which one do I believe?

I guess I am nervous about if he doesn't. I know I will be fine. I am always fine. BUT... still... it could have been fun. AND why do I this to myself? Over and over again... it doesn't end. If it's not this... its something else. If only I could find a cure. I need to break the cycle!

Mr Jam Time.

I had such a crappy day. I started a new job last Wednesday... and all have been going OK... until today. I am over tired. It all started because I stayed out until midnight on a Sunday night. My plans for the Sunday were... movies with Mr Jam... laundry... chili for the week.

I ended up staying out until midnight... drinking beer... talking. After the movies... he walked me to the t. Well we walked by his T... and I hinted at him going and he said, "I'll walk you to yours." so sweet!!

As we were approaching the T... I said drinks? He said sure. why not? So... we were there for more then 5 hours! It just flowed... and was so easy. It was the first time in a long time that I actually smile thinking about it. I do get that tingle right now writing. It makes me nervous. When we don't talk for one day... I am kind of freaking... doubting it all. Everything we talked about goes out the window. I start thinking and remembering the negative signs rather then the positive ones. I think how I asked him... and I remember him hanging out in the past few months... he is always the last to leave. Maybe he is just like that... and it didn't matter that there was never a quiet moment. I start thinking... did he ask me questions? Or was I the one? I do remember him asking some things... but who initiated the conversations? Dumb... that's what it is. Thinking about those things... if you analyzed every awesome night out... you would start to question things.

I just worry what if he just wants to be friends? I know I will be OK with this... because I enjoy his company. But I def think I want more... I can't explain it. Its just easy.

Can't cross that line.

I have a few crushes... its funny... they keep happening... they are fun and then not so fun. I don't know what to do about a crush... how do I act? and once you admit you have this crush the feelings change... the flutters start and the awkward talk when you see each other. Am I stuttering? Am I sounding like an idiot?

By age 32 I think I have learned how to flirt... but I have to fight my impulse to withdraw... to get nervous and run away... literally. One crush is someone who I see at the dog park... we have tons in common- both designers and both have dogs! Ha... we work a block apart... but what else do we have in common really? I feel weird bringing up music and/or food- isn't that the kind of stuff you talk to someone about when you are "getting to know them talk" rather then someone I meet at the dog park talk... that talk is about our dogs... about politics... about anything but actual real life stuff.

The other one is someone I used to work with... not sure when it developed... it was a slow process... but all of a sudden it was there and now I cant help but IM when I see him online... which seems like more times then not. BUT what is IM really? Its not like I can see his expressions- or can assume one thing when in reality he meant another. What is a hint and what isn't? What is a sign on one side and what is really something totally different on the other?

I am not sure in both cases... what do I do from here. This is more then the hot guy who I see at the gym... these are two guys I talk to and have actual conversations with... could be considered friends with. Soooo... how do I make sure I don't get to know them so well that we fall into "hey, buddy" zone, but at the same time, how can I show I would like to get to know you better and see.... without looking like a desperate needy girl? There is the fine line... and once you cross it, you can not go back.

First date in over a year!

I walked toward him eating an apple. I was caught… he must have seen me eating the apple right? Huh… doesn’t seem to have noticed… but now what do I do with the apple? I decided to try and put it into my pocket. A pocket that was a part of a purple old navy sweatshirt. I looked at my shirt and stopped him with a hand on his arm. Should we go to Lucky's instead? I am not dressed for this place. He had told me earlier that he had to go home to change… get into something more comfortable… doesn’t that mean jeans and a t-shirt. Not a black trench coat and a collared shirt. He smiled and said, “you are fine… come on”…We go inside the bar and its packed…. It’s a Monday night? There was one lone stool, he takes it and asks, “Is this OK?” I am standing there trying to find a way to hide the apple… and there is this shelf under an island bar and I place it into the corner. I didn’t know what else to do? Is that as bad as someone putting gum under a seat?

We had a nice time… him and I. I will call him Mr. NyQuil. He was nice… wanted to liquor me up. It didn’t help that my dinner was two apples. I did drink too much… he did pay. We ended up in my car… it was like I was 16. Fighting with him to not go to far. I just couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. I should… its been forever since I have been on a date let alone anything else. But maybe it was the comment that he was the best I would ever get. Really? Did he mean the way Anchorman had meant it… that he was better then I and he was the best I could have. Or was it because he was so full of himself that he thought he was really all that? I am not sure… but it was a little bit like cold water splashed on my face. I don’t know… I decided to end the night by driving him to South Station… him begging the whole way. He left mad… mad? Really? At age 29? He called before I hit the Pike… asking if I was upset… I said “yea… you?” “Friday?” he asks? I said “yup.” He texted before I was home. IMed me as soon as I checked my email. I was a little uncomfortable… what? Why? He asked me if I wanted him. I said, “do you want me?” He says, “Yes, I want that.” I told him “I want that is NOT I want you.” Of course he then backpedals and says “of course I want you.”

I decided after thinking through the morning that I can’t go through with this. Of course he IMed me when I got in this morning… he wanted to meet up tonight? Or tomorrow? I said, “nope, I can’t go out again until Friday.” After lots of whining about me being busy the ext two nights… but he is busy all weekend? “Oh no, speaking of Friday, I cant do it after all, there is this work thing.” I know he was lying… cause he wanted it his way and only his way. And I am done.

I deleted his phone number and told him on IM I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go through with this… that I wanted something more. And I was so happy I did. I did kind of liked him… but I don’t want another Anchorman.

Am I back?

When I don’t try… nothing happens, I enjoy my life… come and go as I please. The minute I start in again… I wonder why he isn’t IMing when he has been online for 10 minutes… why hasn’t he texted? But why do I care? Its not like I am taken with him… I have never met him… but what if it was me he didn’t like. Does that make any sense? He doesn’t know me anymore then I him… so how can he not like me… let alone like me? And then I get the IM and how can I not smile? It has been over a year...

My Lady

I feel like I have a child... I got her in November ... and man people are right ... you do have to be prepared to get a puppy ... and she wasn't even the 8 week kind ... she was a year or so they thought kind. I went to visit my dad over thanksgiving ... it was a family event ... the first time in years that the four of us + my sister and law ... we drove from rescue to rescue until we found the one... I made the decision to go and “look”... Until then I felt as though I couldn't get a dog... I couldn't cause most of my roommates did at one time or another ... and how would I be home enough ... roommates of my past used me as usually as a second or even third parent figure (is that even what its called- a parent?) How could I take care of a dog all alone? BUT ... when I was put into the situation ... how could I have said no? My brother has two labs, my mom one and my dad and his new life has a golden and a spaniel ... so how could I have said no? I wanted someone ... something to make the part in my tummy that is like a hunger pain go away... the feeling that you are 32 with nothing ... yes a job.... But no one besides the kit kat ... my family ... the people closest to me knew ... they knew ... they saw it in my eyes ... heard it in my voice when I say ha... I’m fine!

Sooo ... they got me a dog ... she has become my life ... my lady! I love and hate it if truth be told ... but isn't that life? The good with the bad? I love having her see me and treats me as it I am everything she lives for... I love how after a shitty day ... that she can make me laugh at the deepest part of myself... I love that I met more people in five weeks of having her then I had in the six months previously. I like having a reason to go for a walk ... even in a blizzard with the wind wiping off the waves.... I love how cute she is ... we won’t mention how she won’t listen and how I have to keep up with being in control ... making myself have a tone ... making myself have a backbone. We won’t mention that she eats kids lunches and acts though I am yelling just for the fun of it... I love how she tunes me out as though she was a child. I love how I have an excuse to bail out of things or gives me an excuse to get a hotel rather then crash on someone's couch. I love the company on the long car rides to Vermont.... I love when she looks up at me as if she is Jillian from the Biggest Loser ... come on get your ass moving ... this is as fast as you can go? I love when she eats raw fish at 7 in the morning and almost kills the birds-or thinks she will.... I love and hate many things ... but I thank god she was put here ... with me ... that I chose her rather then another... I am not sure I can go back to before her...

So as I bitch about her from time to time on these posts ... remember everything I say comes with another side ... the side I forget to mention when I am in a mood.

A little confused

I find myself a little confused. I am either super lonely… bored… or is it real? Is my heart pittering and pattering because I am bored and haven’t had this feeling in awhile? I DON’T KNOW!! I know that the feelings I had years ago were friendships and smiles… but I know I was confused when people would laugh about the hugs… saying “ ha-ha k… he always finds a reason to hug you.” but in my head id think does he do that with everyone or just me? Why me? I am huge… and don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror why the hugs? I remember he would just show up randomly… never knew when or why… and I was to dumb to realize or scared to wonder. I didn’t think people felt that way for me. I think back on five years ago and wonder how I got this far. I am afraid I will go back to the way I was then…oblivious… scared…. Naïve…. Freaked… nervous… depressed… a virgin.

Was that normal? Am I normal? In the metro the other day they had a whole article on being 30 and a virgin… I was surprised to see a whole article on this subject… and I wonder how many people are virgins at age 30. I can say I was 30 when I finally went thru with it… I was close enough though.

So now years after… am I any more a woman then I was then? Am I less naïve? No longer afraid? I don’t know… I know I am happy as I am… I have started to enjoy my own time… but then I am scared that maybe I enjoy it to much. I enjoy coming home to a Friday night with the thought of a movie and an early night. I enjoy my one glass of wine from time to time… but do I enjoy it or am I just telling myself I do? Am I really and truly happy? And what is happy really? Happy is the thoughts in your head telling yourself that you are happy. It is telling yourself to forget the bad thought… to yell at yourself when you look at yourself and see who you were 60 pounds ago. You don’t see the size 12 waist but you see the rolls on your back. Happy is the thoughts in your head. So I could be happy today and depressed the next… all because of the hours I have slept… the interactions I had…

So if I wake up to cheek my email… to facebook… to texting at 4 am… to lady being a nut ball. It is 4 am and awake… I see messages and emails I might not have seen in the same light or darkness as I saw at that moment… emails that make you dream of them… dream of times of the past merged with today. I wake with thoughts…. Thoughts that were/are confusing… what is a dream and what is real? isn’t that always the question… the thoughts in your head is what is making you feel like this… the pitter patter… the confusion… questions of why now? Why am I feeling like this? I find myself a little confused. I am either super lonely… bored… or is it real? Is my heart pittering and pattering because I am bored and haven’t had this feeling in awhile? I DON’T KNOW!!

I get the vibrates of texts here and there and I can not help but send one back. I have been trying to stop asking myself why and maybe I just enjoy it for what it is rather then what it might not be. I want to stop asking myself why and why not. Wondering what this and that mean or not mean. it is so confusing… to not know what it is and it isn’t.

live with it.

I know I haven’t written on here in months and months… and some of the reason has to do with not having internet… I think the not having internet has helped me get off internet dating. I cant do it anymore… dating on there. Maybe I will be able to in a few months or years from now, but I just get bored by it… everyone’s profile looks exactly the same… everyone says the same things… I love working out… I love this and that and the other.

I also know I haven’t written because I always question what I am saying after leaving a party or get together… and when I write about it is like everyone I know reads it and knows my deepest fears and thoughts. I hate that… knowing that… so I decided I like how I wrote about it in the early days… I wrote what I was thinking as I was thinking. I feel like I write the things the way I do because as I reread this I may understand it… but will others? I actually would rather you didn’t… I want it to be confusing… I want you to not know what I mean… I like when the meaning could be 4. I don’t want to write something that is so well written that I could be an author…

Which brings me to the 3rd reason for not writing... I hate worrying about being grammatically correct... especially while I am using the Iphone... kind of hard to do this or that... and then i get paranoid and worry some more... making it less fun and less what I need this blog for. I like writing as if this is my personal poetry… soooo if I do not use periods or write something not grammatically correct… well that is fine… because it is mine and no one else’s blog. Go somewhere else to read the good stuff,,, the articles and books that people get paid to write… cause this isn’t going to follow any rules.

I may write from my iphone which means… short and sweet… live with it.