Breaking the cycle.

Yesterday.
I cut my hair soooo short last night. My intention was NEVER this short. I am freaking out actually. Should I go and buy a wig on this halloween sunday? Oh my god... what was I thinking? And I might be seeing Mr Jam friday... and oh my god- what if he thinks- yuck I hate short hair- although he is bald... so not sure how he can judge- since he has no choice. BUT... I am really and truly freaking about my hair.

Tonight.
I decided I liked the hair. It took me a day to come to terms with having the short hair again. I do think its shorter then I wanted. One minute, I look in the mirror and see my face 50 pounds ago... and then I look and see a cute girl. Who is the real me I wonder? Both I guess.

I sent Mr Jam an email... he did respond saying he would fill me in more later. I didn't mention next friday or saturday. I am going to try the hardest to wait until i hear from him before I see him online and say hi. I worry one minute that I am showing to much of myself to soon... that we talked to much online the first few weeks. Then I worry that I am not showing enough... that I act like more of a friend then someone who wants more. I worry... worry and oh yea worry.

I made an effort to try to change my way... my track record. I have stayed offline for the last year and a half. I enjoy making jewelry... doing a puzzle... going to the dog park... life... anything but checking my emails... its kind of like when we are 16 and waiting for the phone to ring. You check the sent mail... wonder if you got the right email. You check IM... yup... working. You IM someone... yup you are online... just like calling the operator just to see if the phone is working.

I am NOT doing that anymore... I am scared though. I do like him... this crush of mine. What if he is just going to end up being the same as every other? What if he isn't into me. What if I am making things up to make myself believe. Not making up per-say... more like hearing what you want to hear. What is real and what is not? What is my head thinking things that are not there. It could be what I believed last monday was real... or was it? Which one do I believe?

I guess I am nervous about if he doesn't. I know I will be fine. I am always fine. BUT... still... it could have been fun. AND why do I this to myself? Over and over again... it doesn't end. If it's not this... its something else. If only I could find a cure. I need to break the cycle!