A little confused

I find myself a little confused. I am either super lonely… bored… or is it real? Is my heart pittering and pattering because I am bored and haven’t had this feeling in awhile? I DON’T KNOW!! I know that the feelings I had years ago were friendships and smiles… but I know I was confused when people would laugh about the hugs… saying “ ha-ha k… he always finds a reason to hug you.” but in my head id think does he do that with everyone or just me? Why me? I am huge… and don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror why the hugs? I remember he would just show up randomly… never knew when or why… and I was to dumb to realize or scared to wonder. I didn’t think people felt that way for me. I think back on five years ago and wonder how I got this far. I am afraid I will go back to the way I was then…oblivious… scared…. Naïve…. Freaked… nervous… depressed… a virgin.

Was that normal? Am I normal? In the metro the other day they had a whole article on being 30 and a virgin… I was surprised to see a whole article on this subject… and I wonder how many people are virgins at age 30. I can say I was 30 when I finally went thru with it… I was close enough though.

So now years after… am I any more a woman then I was then? Am I less naïve? No longer afraid? I don’t know… I know I am happy as I am… I have started to enjoy my own time… but then I am scared that maybe I enjoy it to much. I enjoy coming home to a Friday night with the thought of a movie and an early night. I enjoy my one glass of wine from time to time… but do I enjoy it or am I just telling myself I do? Am I really and truly happy? And what is happy really? Happy is the thoughts in your head telling yourself that you are happy. It is telling yourself to forget the bad thought… to yell at yourself when you look at yourself and see who you were 60 pounds ago. You don’t see the size 12 waist but you see the rolls on your back. Happy is the thoughts in your head. So I could be happy today and depressed the next… all because of the hours I have slept… the interactions I had…

So if I wake up to cheek my email… to facebook… to texting at 4 am… to lady being a nut ball. It is 4 am and awake… I see messages and emails I might not have seen in the same light or darkness as I saw at that moment… emails that make you dream of them… dream of times of the past merged with today. I wake with thoughts…. Thoughts that were/are confusing… what is a dream and what is real? isn’t that always the question… the thoughts in your head is what is making you feel like this… the pitter patter… the confusion… questions of why now? Why am I feeling like this? I find myself a little confused. I am either super lonely… bored… or is it real? Is my heart pittering and pattering because I am bored and haven’t had this feeling in awhile? I DON’T KNOW!!

I get the vibrates of texts here and there and I can not help but send one back. I have been trying to stop asking myself why and maybe I just enjoy it for what it is rather then what it might not be. I want to stop asking myself why and why not. Wondering what this and that mean or not mean. it is so confusing… to not know what it is and it isn’t.