being ok

The last few months I realized I am ok… and will be ok if I am single tomorrow or next month or next year. I have been thinking more positive. Its like my weight loss, it has taken me 3-3 1/2 years to lose 55-60 pounds… I feel like the negative thoughts went along with it… I lost a lot of the negative in my head… and I am ok… might just even be great!

I deserve someone who wants to call me… wants to knows me… both for friends and for the maybe’s I might have.

I used to hate myself when I saw pics… but then I think about it… maybe I am ok because I have lost 60 pounds… so they are def connected… the pounds and the worries… I have more confidence in the way I look… or I am getting more confidence everyday. I want to find people in my life that will recognize it and encourage it rather then make me feel bad about myself.

I am cute… not beautiful, but I am def cute… and I deserve someone who makes me feel good about myself.

I have thoughts and feelings and that is more important then what you feel. For the last few months I have realized I am the most important person in my life… me, myself, and I!

If I am not feeling like doing something I don’t. I have realized that this too is ok… sometimes I need more me time then you time. I have bills to pay and sometimes the cost isn’t worth the good time I may have. Sometimes I worked too much and am just exhausted!

I chose the life I am living… working rather then having a family. I know I would like to do both… and have been trying to focus on the family aspect… but at the same time, if it isn’t making me happy, maybe I need to take a break until it is fun again. Then I work tons because its what I know and it is what I feel like I am good at… something I have confidence in. Then I get tired of that… and go back to having fun getting another life going again. It def goes in fazes… all work and no play and then less work and more play. There is the balance thing again…

I think I am getting to the point where I need to go out and have fun again… try once again!

I am great and I hope to find someone who thinks I am great too…

More Positive!

Crushes huh… I am not sure if I do that anymore… have crushes… I guess the Surfer is a crush… others are maybe’s. It’s hard to explain… but I meet people… and I don’t know… they are single… I am single… and I just wonder. It’s an I don’t know you well enough to like you… so it’s a maybe. Sure he is cute… and can make me laugh… but I just don’t know. Or then there is ‘what do I really have in common with you?’ I spend time with these guys and wonder… what to talk about… how to bring up subjects that aren’t to personal but are more then the weather. I feel like this is it in a nutshell… Not sure how to act… how to act interested but not desperate, how to act interested while keeping in mind… do I really truly “like” this guy or is it because he is a cutey, but could I stand him every day. And then I think again… what would I talk to him about then if it is this hard to talk to him now… rather then when I know everything and run out of things to say.

I have issues with the balance of it all. And just the game it is. How do you show that they are a maybe… without showing to much… without asking them out… how do you wink without looking like there is something wrong with your eye… how do you do it? I get confused… what is the right way? The wrong?

I know that everyone says just do what your gut says… but… what happens when the gut changes by the day… one minute is a def maybe… the day before it was hmmmm… then another day is hells no… while others are just a maybe…

Maybe I am desperate…
Maybe he is?
Maybe he acts like this with everyone…
Maybe it’s all in my head…
Maybe he is thinking eeew what is she doing?
Maybe he is thinking… god would she just leave… and stop talking
Maybe he see’s the twitching I am trying to hide…

Now this isn’t just one guy… this is multiple… which means I am doing ok… cause a lot of people I know are maybe’s. I remember this of friends of my past… the multiple… and only a few developed into anything… and these friends were ok with themselves. Maybe they were better at this then I am… thinking the positive more then the negative. I have been working on the positive!

to much work makes a dull kt!

I have been working tons... and have no Internet on the weekends... so no real dates and no time to blog! I need stuff to blog about! Anyway, I may have some blogs posts that are late getting online... so some of this stuff is here there and everywhere.

I need some stuff to blog about... any ideas? Yikes, I need dates just to fill this in.

Finally Happy!

I had friends come in from out of town the other weekend. It was soooo good to see them... I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time... and I came to the conclusion.... I am ok if others don't like me or if I am not good enough for someone.

As long as I have friends who come to visit, who I visit, why spend time with people who don't want you to be there. I have a hard time giving up... stepping away from a friendship. I try and try... and then get hurt when it isn’t shared... when I am always left wondering... if I had said this instead of that... would I have a better friend then this? Or were they ever really a friend at all?

I just realized I am ok with the people in my life... and I am just going to stop trying so hard... I'll be there as long as they are there for me as well.

I also took a ton of pics of me this weekend, and I didn’t care what I looked like in them, and just let people be snap happy any time they desired. I looked at the pics... and for once I can say I think I might be pretty. Not all are great, but I didn’t look half bad. I could never say I was beautiful or hot... but who cares... I looked happy. I actually looked happy.

What about you?

Think about it... why does being single have to suck? Because people assume that what makes you happy is being with someone else. But does it really have to suck?

But then people say that you have to love yourself to be truly happy.

But how do you know you are ok with yourself? I am sitting at a coffee shop beside this couple. When I first sat down I hear their conversation... I assumed they didn’t know each other very well... the way they responded to one another other. She seemed annoyed with everything he was saying... he sounded like he didn’t know what to talk about so he just kept talking. Until they mention their wedding... hmmm... wedding? And they talk like that to each other? If they asked themselves if they were truly happy right now what would they say? I honestly think about it... I really truly do not think they are.

Now they are talking about moving in together. Arguing... him saying that she doesn’t know how she feels about moving in.
“I'm gonna miss that place...”
“Why.” he asks? “It’s going to be fun! What about missy... you’re going to miss her?"
And then she says, just... stuff... we have no stuff"

Oh my god, it is going on and on... are they really enjoying themselves?

I for once can say I think I am happier right now. I just had as great cup of coffee and my all time favorite breakfast... fruit, yogurt, and granola. I am writing... working... just enjoying my day... honestly. And they are sitting there arguing... discussing... and god it just didn’t sound like either were honestly truly happy?

Why do they think they are happy? Because everyone around them is looking at them and thinking... wow look at that cute couple over there. Ooooh they are planning there wedding... how cute!

But... who the heck cares what that person thinks... They will never see them again... who cares but what you two think... seriously.... who cares but the two of you... what are you feeling right now? Wouldn’t you rather be alone... reading... writing... watching... and listening... rather then arguing, sighing, rolling your eyes, twitching, looking anywhere but at each other. Yea I think I know what I would say!

What about you?