My Lady

I feel like I have a child... I got her in November ... and man people are right ... you do have to be prepared to get a puppy ... and she wasn't even the 8 week kind ... she was a year or so they thought kind. I went to visit my dad over thanksgiving ... it was a family event ... the first time in years that the four of us + my sister and law ... we drove from rescue to rescue until we found the one... I made the decision to go and “look”... Until then I felt as though I couldn't get a dog... I couldn't cause most of my roommates did at one time or another ... and how would I be home enough ... roommates of my past used me as usually as a second or even third parent figure (is that even what its called- a parent?) How could I take care of a dog all alone? BUT ... when I was put into the situation ... how could I have said no? My brother has two labs, my mom one and my dad and his new life has a golden and a spaniel ... so how could I have said no? I wanted someone ... something to make the part in my tummy that is like a hunger pain go away... the feeling that you are 32 with nothing ... yes a job.... But no one besides the kit kat ... my family ... the people closest to me knew ... they knew ... they saw it in my eyes ... heard it in my voice when I say ha... I’m fine!

Sooo ... they got me a dog ... she has become my life ... my lady! I love and hate it if truth be told ... but isn't that life? The good with the bad? I love having her see me and treats me as it I am everything she lives for... I love how after a shitty day ... that she can make me laugh at the deepest part of myself... I love that I met more people in five weeks of having her then I had in the six months previously. I like having a reason to go for a walk ... even in a blizzard with the wind wiping off the waves.... I love how cute she is ... we won’t mention how she won’t listen and how I have to keep up with being in control ... making myself have a tone ... making myself have a backbone. We won’t mention that she eats kids lunches and acts though I am yelling just for the fun of it... I love how she tunes me out as though she was a child. I love how I have an excuse to bail out of things or gives me an excuse to get a hotel rather then crash on someone's couch. I love the company on the long car rides to Vermont.... I love when she looks up at me as if she is Jillian from the Biggest Loser ... come on get your ass moving ... this is as fast as you can go? I love when she eats raw fish at 7 in the morning and almost kills the birds-or thinks she will.... I love and hate many things ... but I thank god she was put here ... with me ... that I chose her rather then another... I am not sure I can go back to before her...

So as I bitch about her from time to time on these posts ... remember everything I say comes with another side ... the side I forget to mention when I am in a mood.

A little confused

I find myself a little confused. I am either super lonely… bored… or is it real? Is my heart pittering and pattering because I am bored and haven’t had this feeling in awhile? I DON’T KNOW!! I know that the feelings I had years ago were friendships and smiles… but I know I was confused when people would laugh about the hugs… saying “ ha-ha k… he always finds a reason to hug you.” but in my head id think does he do that with everyone or just me? Why me? I am huge… and don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror why the hugs? I remember he would just show up randomly… never knew when or why… and I was to dumb to realize or scared to wonder. I didn’t think people felt that way for me. I think back on five years ago and wonder how I got this far. I am afraid I will go back to the way I was then…oblivious… scared…. Naïve…. Freaked… nervous… depressed… a virgin.

Was that normal? Am I normal? In the metro the other day they had a whole article on being 30 and a virgin… I was surprised to see a whole article on this subject… and I wonder how many people are virgins at age 30. I can say I was 30 when I finally went thru with it… I was close enough though.

So now years after… am I any more a woman then I was then? Am I less naïve? No longer afraid? I don’t know… I know I am happy as I am… I have started to enjoy my own time… but then I am scared that maybe I enjoy it to much. I enjoy coming home to a Friday night with the thought of a movie and an early night. I enjoy my one glass of wine from time to time… but do I enjoy it or am I just telling myself I do? Am I really and truly happy? And what is happy really? Happy is the thoughts in your head telling yourself that you are happy. It is telling yourself to forget the bad thought… to yell at yourself when you look at yourself and see who you were 60 pounds ago. You don’t see the size 12 waist but you see the rolls on your back. Happy is the thoughts in your head. So I could be happy today and depressed the next… all because of the hours I have slept… the interactions I had…

So if I wake up to cheek my email… to facebook… to texting at 4 am… to lady being a nut ball. It is 4 am and awake… I see messages and emails I might not have seen in the same light or darkness as I saw at that moment… emails that make you dream of them… dream of times of the past merged with today. I wake with thoughts…. Thoughts that were/are confusing… what is a dream and what is real? isn’t that always the question… the thoughts in your head is what is making you feel like this… the pitter patter… the confusion… questions of why now? Why am I feeling like this? I find myself a little confused. I am either super lonely… bored… or is it real? Is my heart pittering and pattering because I am bored and haven’t had this feeling in awhile? I DON’T KNOW!!

I get the vibrates of texts here and there and I can not help but send one back. I have been trying to stop asking myself why and maybe I just enjoy it for what it is rather then what it might not be. I want to stop asking myself why and why not. Wondering what this and that mean or not mean. it is so confusing… to not know what it is and it isn’t.

live with it.

I know I haven’t written on here in months and months… and some of the reason has to do with not having internet… I think the not having internet has helped me get off internet dating. I cant do it anymore… dating on there. Maybe I will be able to in a few months or years from now, but I just get bored by it… everyone’s profile looks exactly the same… everyone says the same things… I love working out… I love this and that and the other.

I also know I haven’t written because I always question what I am saying after leaving a party or get together… and when I write about it is like everyone I know reads it and knows my deepest fears and thoughts. I hate that… knowing that… so I decided I like how I wrote about it in the early days… I wrote what I was thinking as I was thinking. I feel like I write the things the way I do because as I reread this I may understand it… but will others? I actually would rather you didn’t… I want it to be confusing… I want you to not know what I mean… I like when the meaning could be 4. I don’t want to write something that is so well written that I could be an author…

Which brings me to the 3rd reason for not writing... I hate worrying about being grammatically correct... especially while I am using the Iphone... kind of hard to do this or that... and then i get paranoid and worry some more... making it less fun and less what I need this blog for. I like writing as if this is my personal poetry… soooo if I do not use periods or write something not grammatically correct… well that is fine… because it is mine and no one else’s blog. Go somewhere else to read the good stuff,,, the articles and books that people get paid to write… cause this isn’t going to follow any rules.

I may write from my iphone which means… short and sweet… live with it.