EVERYTHING

I think I have a date tomorrow night. Am I going to jinx this if I write to you...will I? This one I met online...and he seems to be nice...I talked to him on the phone a few times and we seem to get along so far. But then again I have been here before. I kind of don't care either way right now.

Sure, I would love to have someone I can come home to or smile at. I was really sad the other night...and all I wanted to do was watch a movie with someone. And I didn't have anyone to call...that sucks at times...at times I just want to be able to depend on someone besides my mom.

BESIDES these feelings that arrive from out of the blue...I am happy I think just being me. I think about having a guy around on a regular basis...and I think about the freedom I have right now. I like being able to come home and just veg...I like the drama free it is when I am not with someone. I like having ME time.

I think sometimes that someone was watching out for me the last few years. I think about when I first starting dating and how I was then...and how fragile I was. I think if I had gotten involved I would be in a miserable relationship. I think I would have let him walk over me...until I hated him and myself even more then I did then. Everything would be my fault...I would feel even more guilty then I do today...about EVERYTHING...

So I guess its true about having to LOVE yourself before u can love someone else. I feel like the more confident you are the better off you are. I heard someone say the other day that he loved his fiance very much...but if something happened between the two of them...he liked being single...not as much as being with her...but at the end of the day he would be OK and he wouldn't break down. I listened and thought...wow...why cant I have this gene...or maybe he got them all and I didn't. But I did think...yea that is true...that is true LOVE...