The surfer.

The surfer’s friend called me! Woohoo… ha! I guess he called her right after he had met me… telling her all about me and how cool I was… man I just wish he had called. Anyway, I met up with his friend over coffee one Saturday morning… she was cool… has two young kids… is a stay at home mom at the moment… with a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 month old!

She told me the surfer was 30… man as I said… I wish he would have called me… but she was super cool… so maybe her and I will become friends… like real friends and she can reintroduce me to the surfer…. Hmmm…

I asked her how she had met him… she tells me church. Ok… not sure how I feel about this… I wonder what this means? I asked her about the it… the church… it actually doesn’t sound so bad… it sounded it like the church I went to when I lived in Charlotte… and I started to really enjoy it there… they played a live band… not super Christian music… sure some I love god and god loves me stuff… but not bad… more like Sarah McLaughlin. The friends I made there were great… I haven’t neccesary kept in touch by phone… but we do by facebook. The church was a learning experience, and something I think about from time to time… so I was tempted, am tempted to try it some Sunday morning. She called me the same day I met her… asking me to go the following day… saying she is out of town the next few Sundays, so it won’t be for a few weeks before I could go again. I declined… I wasn’t ready just yet for that.

I kind of want to go… but is it for the right reasons? What if I want to go just to meet new people? And of course see the surfer again. I do want that… but I am still curious about church and god… just because it all confuses me doesn’t mean I don’t wonder…

I feel guilty I guess… as someone who grew up catholic… I do think about the sins and what is considered a sin… do I believe I am really truly sinning? No… but is it ingrained into my head… sure… who grew up catholic and have it not be there… but what if I do meet the surfer again… and the only reason I do is because I went to church… am I lying? I just get confused… what is right here and what is wrong?

I also am afraid that when I do see him… well if I see him again that he won’t be whom I remember. I have built him up to someone who doesn’t exist. Of course I know he was hot… but how hot? Not as hot as I remembered… and then I am scared he is married or happily engaged and then whatever that I have in my head is gone… I kind of like looking for surfers when I drive by at night… is it ever him? Nope… do I want it to be… sure but that also scares the heck out of me now… maybe I am ok never ever seeing him again. Maybe he makes me hope and dream again… and if I see him again my dream is over… I am crazy I know… I just am finally feeling ok with who I am… I ignore that I am I not getting match emails… I am finally feeling like I deserve someone who really likes me… loves me for me. I love that I love to laugh and that I have a great personality… I know that now… and I am enjoying the time I am having alone… when I am out… I listen to some really dumb conversations… some great ones… and some fun ones… but I sat there and thought you know I would rather be alone then sitting there like that girl… the girl who would rather be anywhere but there.

Done I say!

I have been seeing Mr. Friday again. The ironic thing is I stopped seeing him the night before I moved into my old apartment… then the first time I saw him again was right after I moved to the beach. Anyway… we never stopped hanging out for any real reason… except for that he annoyed me and was kind of an ass. So when he didn’t call and I didn’t call him for more then six months… it was just over. As I said, I think I was fine with that… and then he started Iming me a few months ago… and then calling again. I didn’t care, what the heck… I had fun with him most of the time… when I wasn’t in the car with him… or when he wasn’t talking down to some waitress.

We have seen each other every 3 or 4 weeks, he usually starts to annoy me at about hour five… and then I am done for another few weeks. Today, I have had enough. We talked this week, deciding to hang out Friday night… then Friday night arrives and he says that he is to tired and lazy to drive to the beach tonight… I was at work… and would have to go get my car then drive past work to his place… did I mention that he had two days off? So he couldn’t come to me even after I told him about my super shitty week that I had. Instead he says, you are not sounding like you are up to doing anything, call me later after u get home… I didn’t… but then after a few drinks at a bar with a friend… I texted him saying he should come over… now this is 9:30 not midnight!

Saturday morning I awake to a text from him saying he passed out… we talked and he decided to come over for a bit in the afternoon… sure why not right? Nope not a good idea in the least… seeing him in daylight is a lot different then the shadows at the movie theater or under the dining light… anyway that was just one thing to start off the day… then he got mad about one thing after another… to the point where I actually got nervous… and thought to myself… do I really want to be here right now? Do I really want him to be here right now? I could have been having a better time in my own company then listening and dealing with him and his complaints. He said his goodbyes and kissed me on the lips… or was it the cheek… I didn’t take notice… not wanting to roll my eyes… holding back the bile rising in my throat. I am just done!

I need to remind myself in 6 weeks from now about this day… so when I am in need of another "date"… then I remember my annoyance… I am afraid I may forget this… but I can’t anymore… done I say!