Mr Yahoo too!

So I am not sure what happened with Mr Yahoo...just all of a sudden he stopped IMing and contacting me. Its weird cause its not like I'm super Mr BeBe upset...its more that it was so sudden. He was all into seeing me again and then bam its like he realized something I didn't.

I have been going over and over in my head what happened and as I said...I have no idea. I guess its for the best since I didn't feel the instant spark...and I am not sure what we had in common in the end anyway...but as usual it would have been nice to know what he was thinking...instead of just imagining it.

I have been on Yahoo Personals for a bit now and Mr Yahoo is the only one I have continued to talk to. I have, yes I know some are going to scream at me, but I have put a few odds and end ads on CL and have had a few people to talk to. And then I get to the point of my pic being shown and nothing. I wonder what is wrong with me that guys automatically think I'm not good enough for them. What gives? I know I am no beauty queen, but damn I don't get responses...or someone will be downright mean...I am not sure why and whats wrong with me...

I have been thinking it might be better to meet people out and about. Last week I did go out...and some guy was trying to dance with me...and me being me, I was totally oblivious of this. I took notice of him at one point and even wondered what he was up to...wondering if he was trying to dance or if it was my imagination. I didn't want to be rejected so I ignored him...until he walked out the door. See...I am me...so F-ing oblivious. My friend told me he had been watching me all night and attempting to dance with him and I didn't notice until the end. I saw him dance in front of me once...not the 3-4 times he actually did.

So what is a girl to do? I try and go out and I freak and get nervous and never look guys in the face. I don't know what to do when a guy hits on me...I get all weird...and act like I'm not interested.

So I guess this is the next step of my learning...learning to meet strangers without the Internet...hmmm will it work? I feel like some guy who becomes my friend will like me...cause I have a lot more then one little picture shows. I have been told over and over what a great personality I have and how I have the best laugh...

So maybe one of these days I will meet someone who will enjoy my laugh and me...

And he isnt...and neither am I

So I ended it with Mr BeBe tonight. I couldn't handle it anymore. He was online cause he had the flu...and I do feel bad...but I mentioned hanging out and he didn't bite...so I just said I cant do this anymore. He himmed and hahhed saying if that is what I want. I was like no its not but I cant be an afterthought. I want to have someone be interested enough to pick up the phone at least. He said I guess that's why I am still single... cause I am an ass and I made you uncomfortable. I was like what? I basically said call me when the holidays are over if you really are interested. SO...I think its for the best. Every time he is online or texts its like he is saying...I'm busy but don't forget about me. And its working. I cant move on if he is here and in my mind and heart. I need out of site out of mind.

What sucks is that I liked him...a lot...now its gonna be hard to find someone new to like that much. And then I get worried about finding someone else and getting hurt again. I sometimes feel like it might be easier to date someone who I am comfortable with and not necessarily with someone I have the hots for. Cause if that doesn't work out I'm not crushed...but then I get scared of that as well. Cause comfort is great but its also easy and before you know it you are celebrating your 25th wedding anniversary and the following day he is leaving you for his co-worker...since both of you are not in love...you love him but were never in love with him.

So its a toss up...whats more important? Whats right for me? I'm scared anyway I look at it...I just know I liked how Anchorman and Mr BeBe made me feel but at the same time I hated it. So whats better the roller coaster ride or the even level. I do know that maybe someday someone will be both for me. Its the in between that's hard...the part of dating until I find the one...I just am not sure how many more tears I can deal with.

I am happy I made this decision though...I just cant do it...and this was a step in the right direction...maybe it took longer then some...but I loved me enough this time to do what was right...and that at least makes me happy...

Maybe he will...maybe he won't...

I had my date Friday night...the yahoo date...he was sweet. He held the doors open for me and was attentive to what I had to say. He seemed truly genuine. We were to see a movie after a drink...where he paid for drinks I paid for the movie...not sure...:) as I wondered maybe that meant friends...

But then he kept looking at my hand the whole movie. I never went on a movie date in High School...so it was funny...he kept hinting to wanting to hold my hand...and then finally he did. It was sweet...but I didn't feel the sizzle I did with Mr BeBe. I am not sure why...was I to tired from a long work week...was it the cold?...was it the loooong movie....was it Mr BeBe still in my head and phone texting me here and there?

I did kiss him on the cheek as a goodbye. As I said...very sweet and I know he had a good time since he just told me so :) BUT as I said....no decisions will be made...maybe the spark will hit me the next time...or the time after that.

As I was debating some of this yesterday...I decided I needed to talk to Mr BeBe again...we text here and there...but hadn't talked talked in awhile...me not wanting to be to demanding... I asked him finally: "so i hate to ask this.....because I know u r busy....but i have to know.....r u interested in getting to know me more?? or should we stop talking and stuff?? I get confused cause i do know you are busy and I don't want to put pressure there......its more I don't want to bother someone who doesn't want to be bothered....if that makes any sense at all"

He said he understood...but didn't know. He said I'm so busy...with me responding with something like this: "and i understand that i just am not sure what to do...i like you and have/had allot of fun with you....would like to hang out more...but...its more i just don't want to waste time with someone who isn't interested and its hard to know if Ur busy and interested or busy and are not interested.

Him being honest and saying he doesn't know. Which I do believe cause I honestly am not 100% sure myself...as in do I want something long term....I just know he makes me smile and tingle...he makes me happy. When I am with him that is...not the moments following.

I said now what? And he said I am not sure...then he said I think we need to meet and see how we feel face to face. I felt like screaming...well yea...what do you think I have been trying to say. Who knows what that means...and so I said OK. And he said when he can he will...just isn't sure when he will have a day off or time off to see me. Which I do believe...he does have 2 jobs and is working close to 80 hour weeks. SO I left it in his shoes...I hope we see each other again. I hope he holds up to the bargain but I guess I cant get my hopes up to high...cause maybe we will meet and maybe we won't. If we do he might decide he doesn't like me enough to WANT to see me more...even though I sometimes don't want to admit the bad as well. Maybe he will...

Maybe I will and maybe I won't...maybe he won't...maybe he will

As simple as that

so I'm thinking that this thing with Mr BeBe isn't going to happen. He just isn't into me...I think a part of him must be...but the part i need isn't. He is just to busy...maybe its the holidays and working 80 hours or maybe he just isn't making me important enough to find time. I have been through this with other guys...the excuses start and at first I tolerate them...but only for so long. I mean...come on...

So I'm not going to say never...but for now...its a no...

I got this email from OKCupid:

Hi,

I'm a married guy in an unusual situation.

My wife has some health issues that have changed the nature of our marriage. With her encouragement and permission, I'm now looking for someone who is open to having some great conversations and developing a friendship or even more to enjoy some of the sensuality and erotic pleasure that has been missing for quite some time.

This brief note does not provide much detail and at best overly simplifies things..

If you are interested and respond I will gladly answer any questions that you have.

I can be reached on here or at xxxx@yahoo.com

I look forward to hearing from you,

Mike

Wow...that had to be one of the oddest...interesting I must say.

I have been talking to another guy from Yahoo personals and we are going to meet this weekend. He seems nice...I am not sure I am attracted to him the way I was with Mr BeBe or Anchorman...but I might be once I meet him. That's the thing I am just never sure because some people you have chemistry with and some you don't. As simple as that.

Back on...

Well I am back...ha...been a long month...

I am seeing Mr BeBe again...

We have been talking...we never ended really...so one night I asked: so why did u say u didn't want to see me anymore because u couldn't have any relationship? we only saw each other twice....did i give the impression i wanted really serious?

With him responding: hmm,when we met my personal life got ruff. I just had a lot of stuff going on. I was honest to you and told you that I cant have any relationship right now at all.

I told him I knew he was being honest...

With him then saying: My head was filed with other stuff, everything is in the past right now. actually I had fun with you and I love talk with you and I was thinking to go out with you.

I got confused by this...but since he is foreign it came off a little odd...but he was asking me out...so we went out last Friday night...

No laughing for me this time...it was so nice...he was nice...I just have such fun with him. We laugh and just talk about everything. I am never nervous with him...except when he put his arm around my waste at the bar while talking to my ear...man my heart would race and all I wanted him to do was hold on and never let go.

I am in trouble...I like him...but am trying to be calmer this time around...

I hope so...I need to just let me be me and him be him. I asked him to hang out tonight and he said sure on Monday and then last night himed and huhhed about being tired. I know he hasn't been feeling good...he had come down with a cold...and I do know what its like to have 2 jobs and just be so tired...that you cant think...so I told him this in a text this morning...he texted back saying that he just couldn't tonight...but next time. We texted back and forth all day off and on...

I am just going to let it ride...hopefully I'll hear from him...I'll wait for him next time...

I have also decided that I cant talk about this as much as I have in the past because when I do it just gets worse. I haven't blogged about this because I was afraid I would Jinx it...but I thought I would give an update...

I just hope things work out and I am trying to have a positive outlook on this.

She is gone :(

I thought I would let everyone know that my step mom did pass away...she passed tonight/this morning? at about 1:30 AM...

I am ok ...getting by...same as my dad. I am really glad I was here tonight to be with him ...otherwise the 20 minute ride to Hospice and back would have been a lot worse for him. I am just happy to see her finally at peace and not in anymore pain. Now will be the time to grieve I am sure. BUT, I wanted to give you an update.

Update

I am in Atlanta....visiting my dad and being here for support. Support for my dad...even though I know he will need it as much after as this...but I am here now...not then.

My step mom is in Hospice...dying. We are watching and actually hoping time is up and god will take her. I am sad that she is sitting there waiting to die. I wonder what is going through her mind...is she thinking about the life she had...regrets or just the good things...I wonder as I watch her hands go in the air...is she saying "wait I am not ready yet" or is she thinking of something of her past that made her throw up her hands...maybe she is thinking of something funny and idiotic that she did then that she wouldn't do today.

She hasn't had food in 12 days...water in 11...and I am not sure how long before the 12 days that she had had her last good meal. So you can imagine what she looks like lying there with no hair...and no water or food in her body. I look at her and wonder why did she worry all those years about another snickers bar...or one more slice of pizza. I remember her crying because her son had said she was getting fat living the Vermont life. BUT, looking at her like this...who the F caress...if she knew then what she knows now would she have cared?

I need to diet to be healthy yes..and so did she...but not to the point of not enjoying life. Same goes for other things in life...I don't want to get to her point...and god it could be in 4 month...since it has only been 4 with her...but I don't want to be at that point and be lying there with regrets of what i should have done. I need to live for me and no one else. I need to make sure I love me more then anyone else...because it is my life...