And he isnt...and neither am I

So I ended it with Mr BeBe tonight. I couldn't handle it anymore. He was online cause he had the flu...and I do feel bad...but I mentioned hanging out and he didn't bite...so I just said I cant do this anymore. He himmed and hahhed saying if that is what I want. I was like no its not but I cant be an afterthought. I want to have someone be interested enough to pick up the phone at least. He said I guess that's why I am still single... cause I am an ass and I made you uncomfortable. I was like what? I basically said call me when the holidays are over if you really are interested. SO...I think its for the best. Every time he is online or texts its like he is saying...I'm busy but don't forget about me. And its working. I cant move on if he is here and in my mind and heart. I need out of site out of mind.

What sucks is that I liked him...a lot...now its gonna be hard to find someone new to like that much. And then I get worried about finding someone else and getting hurt again. I sometimes feel like it might be easier to date someone who I am comfortable with and not necessarily with someone I have the hots for. Cause if that doesn't work out I'm not crushed...but then I get scared of that as well. Cause comfort is great but its also easy and before you know it you are celebrating your 25th wedding anniversary and the following day he is leaving you for his co-worker...since both of you are not in love...you love him but were never in love with him.

So its a toss up...whats more important? Whats right for me? I'm scared anyway I look at it...I just know I liked how Anchorman and Mr BeBe made me feel but at the same time I hated it. So whats better the roller coaster ride or the even level. I do know that maybe someday someone will be both for me. Its the in between that's hard...the part of dating until I find the one...I just am not sure how many more tears I can deal with.

I am happy I made this decision though...I just cant do it...and this was a step in the right direction...maybe it took longer then some...but I loved me enough this time to do what was right...and that at least makes me happy...

Maybe he will...maybe he won't...

I had my date Friday night...the yahoo date...he was sweet. He held the doors open for me and was attentive to what I had to say. He seemed truly genuine. We were to see a movie after a drink...where he paid for drinks I paid for the movie...not sure...:) as I wondered maybe that meant friends...

But then he kept looking at my hand the whole movie. I never went on a movie date in High School...so it was funny...he kept hinting to wanting to hold my hand...and then finally he did. It was sweet...but I didn't feel the sizzle I did with Mr BeBe. I am not sure why...was I to tired from a long work week...was it the cold?...was it the loooong movie....was it Mr BeBe still in my head and phone texting me here and there?

I did kiss him on the cheek as a goodbye. As I said...very sweet and I know he had a good time since he just told me so :) BUT as I said....no decisions will be made...maybe the spark will hit me the next time...or the time after that.

As I was debating some of this yesterday...I decided I needed to talk to Mr BeBe again...we text here and there...but hadn't talked talked in awhile...me not wanting to be to demanding... I asked him finally: "so i hate to ask this.....because I know u r busy....but i have to know.....r u interested in getting to know me more?? or should we stop talking and stuff?? I get confused cause i do know you are busy and I don't want to put pressure there......its more I don't want to bother someone who doesn't want to be bothered....if that makes any sense at all"

He said he understood...but didn't know. He said I'm so busy...with me responding with something like this: "and i understand that i just am not sure what to do...i like you and have/had allot of fun with you....would like to hang out more...but...its more i just don't want to waste time with someone who isn't interested and its hard to know if Ur busy and interested or busy and are not interested.

Him being honest and saying he doesn't know. Which I do believe cause I honestly am not 100% sure myself...as in do I want something long term....I just know he makes me smile and tingle...he makes me happy. When I am with him that is...not the moments following.

I said now what? And he said I am not sure...then he said I think we need to meet and see how we feel face to face. I felt like screaming...well yea...what do you think I have been trying to say. Who knows what that means...and so I said OK. And he said when he can he will...just isn't sure when he will have a day off or time off to see me. Which I do believe...he does have 2 jobs and is working close to 80 hour weeks. SO I left it in his shoes...I hope we see each other again. I hope he holds up to the bargain but I guess I cant get my hopes up to high...cause maybe we will meet and maybe we won't. If we do he might decide he doesn't like me enough to WANT to see me more...even though I sometimes don't want to admit the bad as well. Maybe he will...

Maybe I will and maybe I won't...maybe he won't...maybe he will

As simple as that

so I'm thinking that this thing with Mr BeBe isn't going to happen. He just isn't into me...I think a part of him must be...but the part i need isn't. He is just to busy...maybe its the holidays and working 80 hours or maybe he just isn't making me important enough to find time. I have been through this with other guys...the excuses start and at first I tolerate them...but only for so long. I mean...come on...

So I'm not going to say never...but for now...its a no...

I got this email from OKCupid:

Hi,

I'm a married guy in an unusual situation.

My wife has some health issues that have changed the nature of our marriage. With her encouragement and permission, I'm now looking for someone who is open to having some great conversations and developing a friendship or even more to enjoy some of the sensuality and erotic pleasure that has been missing for quite some time.

This brief note does not provide much detail and at best overly simplifies things..

If you are interested and respond I will gladly answer any questions that you have.

I can be reached on here or at xxxx@yahoo.com

I look forward to hearing from you,

Mike

Wow...that had to be one of the oddest...interesting I must say.

I have been talking to another guy from Yahoo personals and we are going to meet this weekend. He seems nice...I am not sure I am attracted to him the way I was with Mr BeBe or Anchorman...but I might be once I meet him. That's the thing I am just never sure because some people you have chemistry with and some you don't. As simple as that.

Back on...

Well I am back...ha...been a long month...

I am seeing Mr BeBe again...

We have been talking...we never ended really...so one night I asked: so why did u say u didn't want to see me anymore because u couldn't have any relationship? we only saw each other twice....did i give the impression i wanted really serious?

With him responding: hmm,when we met my personal life got ruff. I just had a lot of stuff going on. I was honest to you and told you that I cant have any relationship right now at all.

I told him I knew he was being honest...

With him then saying: My head was filed with other stuff, everything is in the past right now. actually I had fun with you and I love talk with you and I was thinking to go out with you.

I got confused by this...but since he is foreign it came off a little odd...but he was asking me out...so we went out last Friday night...

No laughing for me this time...it was so nice...he was nice...I just have such fun with him. We laugh and just talk about everything. I am never nervous with him...except when he put his arm around my waste at the bar while talking to my ear...man my heart would race and all I wanted him to do was hold on and never let go.

I am in trouble...I like him...but am trying to be calmer this time around...

I hope so...I need to just let me be me and him be him. I asked him to hang out tonight and he said sure on Monday and then last night himed and huhhed about being tired. I know he hasn't been feeling good...he had come down with a cold...and I do know what its like to have 2 jobs and just be so tired...that you cant think...so I told him this in a text this morning...he texted back saying that he just couldn't tonight...but next time. We texted back and forth all day off and on...

I am just going to let it ride...hopefully I'll hear from him...I'll wait for him next time...

I have also decided that I cant talk about this as much as I have in the past because when I do it just gets worse. I haven't blogged about this because I was afraid I would Jinx it...but I thought I would give an update...

I just hope things work out and I am trying to have a positive outlook on this.

We will see

Life is interesting....

Here I am freaking about a guy...and my step mom is getting worse. I thought she was doing better....she was doing better...or so we thought.

On Saturday my dad called with news that she was put in the hospital. I had a wedding to go to so I couldn't exactly deal with it then...and to be honest I needed a distraction. My dad informed me to stay here and wait until my scheduled time to go...which is a week from today actually. SO...I decided they could all use me more then then right now...I would be going more for my peace of mind then anyone Else's.

She is conscious again....but cant talk...is smiling and aware of people...not sure if she is actually comprehending things.

Its sad...and I am not sure how to deal with it all...I'm scared to go down there next week...it is going to be so hard. The last trip she had aged 10 years in 6 weeks...and this trip I bet she has aged another 20...she has lost weight from the sounds of it...I am also worried about my dad. I dont know what to say to him to make him feel better. I know there is nothing I can do but be there and be supportive...its just I wish I could take away his pain. I wish he didn't have to go through this....well no one for that matter. I hate seeing people in pain...especially someone I love.

I have been talking to Mr BeBe still, even some texts here and there...with one from him at 12:30 in the morning on Saturdays. I get mixed signals from him...but I guess I am at the point of really and truly moving on. I need someone who wants to be with me...and like me...even as a friend. I also need friends right now that can be supportive and understand or at least listen to what I am going through. Me being me...I feel guilty telling people my pain...I don't want to depress them...so I keep it bottled up. As a friend said last night...its me who is sad and going through this...not the people I talk to...they feel bad and are hear to listen, but me talking about it isn't going to make them depressed. SOO...I need friends and people in my life who can be there for me...when I need it.

I do believe F@ck EM'...if you don't like me for what I say...screw it...If you don't like the way I smile...then find someone else to make laugh...If you don't like me...move on...

So as for Mr BeBe I am moving on...if he wants to be my friend...he needs to make the effort to hang out...not say "We will see"

As for the "We will see" in my real like....well life is to short as I am realizing intimately at the moment...so I want to be seen...and not be a "we will see"

Mr BeBe is...

Well he IMed me tonight...ending things.

I'm sorry for not responding to your messages. I don’t think that I can have any relationships right now. I don’t want to play any games. I'm sorry. And thank you for your time.

So I said OK...what else can I say...but then asked if we could be friends. At the end of the day that's what I wanted...I mean it might be hard...but I am not sure what else...I liked him as a friend...I liked hanging out with him and talking...and laughing...it was fun...I mean I can get over the physical connection...the only thing will be other girls...but until I have to deal with that...so be it.

I also asked: "can u tell me why though? as a friend?"

And got this in response:

"the problem is on my side
and is kinda personal ... I'm sorry"

It was nice to know...once and for all...and I have become friends with Mr Match who I wouldn't want to trade in...even though I wish things could be different...with both...

Anyway...I have my answer...and I am glad...cause now I can move on...I am not sure I want to date right now...I need friends more then anything...and I do need to figure out how to get rid of the insecurities. I just need to know how.

I have lost 35 pounds officially tonight...I was excited about that...since moving here last March...so its not 50 or 100 but someday it will be. I was excited...10 pounds just from the summer...so maybe I need to do more exercising...

As I said...I am sad...but now I can move on...not sure what end I will end up at...but somewhere out there I will be OK...

hope to

Yea...we will see what happens. I am not contacting again...he needs to make the move to say he wants me...I think we could have fun. I liked him and he made me laugh...I hope that maybe I will still hear from him...

5 times

What is the time to wait for someone after a second date? I know he is busy...cause he has two jobs...as do I...so both are busy...I asked if he was having fun Thursday night...and his response to work was "busy." I didn't contact him friday...and did text today just saying hi and do u work tomorrow. He texted back...saying he was at friends in NH...and that yes he had to work tomorrow. I then texted back: "was gonna see if u wanted 2 get a drink or something tomorrow night...or another time if u have to work late :)" That was this afternoon and I havent heard back.

He said he didn't want games...so I just thought I would see...now me being me...I worry that maybe I shouldn't...maybe I am crowding him...but its not like I texted him 20 times in 2 days...right? or am I nuts all together. BUT...if he doesn't respond what does that mean? Does that mean he isn't interested? Im torn...one part of me says...hmmm I did leave it open ended and I guess...saying another time if you have to work late...I guess maybe he has to work late.

I bought the book "he is just not that into you", it totally makes sense and it made me feel better about everything...if he isnt into me the so be it...Ill move on. In the book it says if he is really into me will call...OK....sooooo does him not calling/texting back a response mean he isnt?

I know I am analyzing this to death...I just dont want to do something that could be voided...I can move on if he isnt interested...Ill feel rejected sure...but Ill move on as always.

I am confused...I think I might be better alone. Its funny because I want someone...I am lonely and it would be nice to see his or a smile that is just for me across a room of friends...I just want someone to hold my hand...but then I go through this...and crying after the second date? I KNOW its my insecurities...its not him...but how can I up this once and for all so I can have fun instead of freaking.

I just think that I have been burned so many times after the second date that I am freaking out...

1 • Dr Jekyl was playing games right after the first date...and finally after the second I knew this wasn't going to work.

2 • The Turkey...it was technically the second date where I freaked on him and started laughing...and couldn't even kiss him...and he freaked (deja vu from the other night?)

3 • Anchorman...he freaked after the second as well....and ended things...which made me think I should have just ended it then and there...why did I fight for a third? Maybe...if things r like this with Al...maybe its better now then later...right? Doesn't feel like that at the moment though...

4 • Mr Festive...we met and then hung out the second time...and I lost touch with him after that...I had such fun with him too...I miss hearing from him...

5 • Mr Match...he ended things after the second as well. Him saying at the end...“I had a really great time tonight, but I just don’t see this going anywhere.” I mean we are still friends...but nothing more then that.

So see these 5...I felt something for at one time or another...and out of all the dates...these 5 hit something that none of the others did. AND all ended it after the second.

So as I said...I am not sure when I should feel like maybe this isn't making sense...and as Greg says in "he just isn't that into you." he will let you know if he is interested...I am not sure...when I will know. And how much of all this is me being paranoid and how much of is it my intuition telling me something...something real.

IF IF IF...I am being right on this...god I hope its only a thought and not real...I guess if me laughing...I feel like that is what did it...it made me look like a dork...someone who isn't confident as well know is true...but maybe that turned him off...I don't know...or maybe the whole date didn't go as I wanted it to. He did smile at me allot and he did lean in close from time to time...but he also had his hands across his chest through most of the movie...see I am not sure what is real and what isn't. I am not being down to get sympathy here...its just 1. my insecurities showing. 2. my past not leaving me alone. 3. I have no way of knowing when to give in and give up.

I know I need some therapy...cause damn it...I might even sabotage this because I am so insecure...which right now I feel like I am doing...

Deja Vu

I had the date...we ended up changing plans...but he picked me up at work...and we drove a bit...stopped for food...even at a place that brought Anchorman memories...we tried to see a movie but all were to late...so we decided to go to another. I actually did offer my house to watch a movie...knowing he had drove a bit already...but he said no...the plan was to see a movie. So me being me...I am hoping to god it was a good thing he said that...that he is a real guy...a gentleman who did just want to see a movie...and not because he didn't want to be in my apartment.

We saw a movie...and wanted to touch his hand the whole night but I am wimp and don't know how to make the first move...

Then came when he dropped me off at home...we sat in the car...it was awkward...and I laughed cause I was nervous. Why cant I be this great person who doesn't freak over a first kiss? Why cant it be natural? Instead...I freak...we drove around a bit more after a hug and an awkward silence...maybe he didn't want to say goodnight after all...we then reworked our way to exactly the same spot...dejavu. I was nervous still and laughed again. I was honest with him though...and its odd cause I do feel like myself when I am with him. I am very comfortable and have even told him things that i usually don't tell someone I have known for such a small amount of time...for example me telling him on the spin around the block that I wanted to make the first move and was/am to nervous to do it. I just said it...I said I am not sure it will reciprocated...and he didn't know what to say...which means its a good thing or a bad one...and I didn't know how else to describe it.

As I said...when we arrived back to the same spot...he finally kissed me...it was nice...awkward because I was so nervous...was he? But it was nice...just different. I laughed again and got the...why laugh? I am nervous...as I grabbed his hand...why nervous he says? I don't know I just am...finally I stepped out of the car...I was excited but also scared...

I walked into my place worrying I scared him off...when I went on the date with the turkey...I did the same thing...and he freaked about that and broke it off the next day...

We just talked...only 30 min after...and I said I was sorry that I get nervous and that I had fun. He said everything is OK twice...and said I had fun tonight too...did he? Did he really? I am just nervous...and yes scared...I guess I am just never sure how to act. How to be excited rather then scared...maybe it is just all rolled up into one big ball...but its there and its real...

I guess only time will tel...will we or wont we have a third? I want to hope and say sure there will be...he wouldn't have kissed me and said he had fun and that everything is OK if he wasn't interested...but then what if he comes to his senses and wonders...what is this girl?? I am cant deal...or something or other...

We shall see...we shall see.

Mr BeBe

So I had a date on Friday night...and have been nervous to write about it here...I am afraid he will find it or find out about it...I am afraid I will jinx it...I am afraid of the comments that will make me doubt things that I feel or don't.

He was great...much cuter then his pics that I had seen on myspace. He had an accent to die for...and we have allot of things in common...he was sweet...and nice...normal...lived with roommates no mom and dad...just all around a nice guy...and was a gentleman from 7:15 until he dropped me off at my car at 1:15. I got a hug and we said our goodbyes. I liked him...allot.

I was so nervous on Saturday...what if he wants to be just friends...what if I like him like some in my past and he doesn't feel the same way and tells me he wants to be "just friends" You know me by now...I worry. I think sometimes I do sabotage myself because I get scared...and honestly that is something I can deal with and understand....its almost easier for me to be alone...cause I know what the feels like...I know how to handle it. BUT to get my heart broken even if it is something that was just a flicker...I get scared...what is better...the heart break that may never be...or the amazing possibilities that could.

I did get a text though...and then we texted on Sunday as well...along with some IMs that made me think he might be interested in more then friendship...but still keeping him in the gentleman corner.

We are going out on Wed...to a movie...since he asked "so when are we going to meet again." I got giddy and smiled to myself...I said, "you tell me..."

SO wed it is...as I always say...we shall see....

:) :)