Two Dogs

How is everyone? I know I haven't been on in awhile. What do I talk about? What do i say- and then worry about it being read at a later date. I have decided to just go with the flow and watch what I say… or write rather!

I do worry about what I say as much as this… I worry about going out with work people and saying something I shouldn't. I worry about how I say something and people think it means something else entirely… I just worry. I have been working on the worrying thing… but then it is just on to something else. I have read books by "Dr David Burns" which helps… but sometimes my brain just keeps going…. and going.

Last few weeks I started to panic about Mr Jam and I. We have been going out now for 9 months… and are planning a road trip to Wisconsin next week… meeting the fam! I kind of panicked… what if I don't want this? What if he gets irritated about things and I don't want to deal? Isn't that anyone though? That's what I think about… about how no matter who it is with… I will have to get used to their moods. At least these moods are quiet and not yelling and screaming. Its funny how much he reminds me of my mom… its weird… aren't you suppose to fall for someone like your dad? BUT he is more like my mom in a lot of ways. He gives these looks.., that could be seen as angry- or annoyed… but in reality it is more confusing and a look of thinking. I am used to my mom by now… so I know I will get used to Mr Jam's looks… just taking me time to adjust. Adjust to being more uptight about things then I am… and I thought I was uptight about things! is that OK? Is that what every relationship goes through? Two living people who have to get used to each other… and we are thank GOD doing it slow rather then moving into together. We are doing it here and there rather then all the time…

I panicked though cause I am driving to meet the family… and when we arrive after 18 hours of driving… we will have a new puppy to go along with my lady. Lady (my dog) is coming along with as well… soooo… Mr Jam and I discussed him getting a dog while we were there… he is excited. SO yea, our drive home after a week in his home town… will be with TWO dogs… and one still a puppy. What have I gotten myself into? ALSO… once home… I get two dogs… yup. TWO for the following 3.5 weeks. Mr Jam is moving… moving MUCH closer to me then where he is now… BUT that isn't until August and he is not allowed to have dogs in his current apartment… so she will be with lady and I for awhile. I panicked you see… cause I have commitments and wow… what if I am not ready… what if this isn't right? I had to tell myself to take one day at a time and stop worrying about the negative… the bad… the day that may never come.

I am excited about the road trip… nervous… but I think it will be fun. If we can make it through this… then I am thinking we might be OK for awhile longer… Hopefully I will have the time for some updates along the way… good… bad… and interesting…which it will be if nothing else-- TWO DOGS!!

Plans are being made.

Plans are being made with Mr Jam and I... plans for months from now... scares me some... its only been what 4-5 months? How can I be planing that far away... how can I not?

Things are good... holidays were spent with my family and there is a plan for july on his side... so things are going better then I expected... its just easy... it just kind of makes sense... the moods are something we all need to get used to... once the honeymoon is over- the truth comes out... I hope for the best...

I am not sure what to write about here... what if I complain and he reads this or knows about this place? I am not sure what my mouth said over the summer... before we knew where we would be today. Did I mention this place? If I did... well... ok... so how do I write about my life knowing someone may read it. I am going to just wing it and try to write more often...

If anyone wants to help.. come up with something to write about- topics- let me know.

Breaking the cycle.

Yesterday.
I cut my hair soooo short last night. My intention was NEVER this short. I am freaking out actually. Should I go and buy a wig on this halloween sunday? Oh my god... what was I thinking? And I might be seeing Mr Jam friday... and oh my god- what if he thinks- yuck I hate short hair- although he is bald... so not sure how he can judge- since he has no choice. BUT... I am really and truly freaking about my hair.

Tonight.
I decided I liked the hair. It took me a day to come to terms with having the short hair again. I do think its shorter then I wanted. One minute, I look in the mirror and see my face 50 pounds ago... and then I look and see a cute girl. Who is the real me I wonder? Both I guess.

I sent Mr Jam an email... he did respond saying he would fill me in more later. I didn't mention next friday or saturday. I am going to try the hardest to wait until i hear from him before I see him online and say hi. I worry one minute that I am showing to much of myself to soon... that we talked to much online the first few weeks. Then I worry that I am not showing enough... that I act like more of a friend then someone who wants more. I worry... worry and oh yea worry.

I made an effort to try to change my way... my track record. I have stayed offline for the last year and a half. I enjoy making jewelry... doing a puzzle... going to the dog park... life... anything but checking my emails... its kind of like when we are 16 and waiting for the phone to ring. You check the sent mail... wonder if you got the right email. You check IM... yup... working. You IM someone... yup you are online... just like calling the operator just to see if the phone is working.

I am NOT doing that anymore... I am scared though. I do like him... this crush of mine. What if he is just going to end up being the same as every other? What if he isn't into me. What if I am making things up to make myself believe. Not making up per-say... more like hearing what you want to hear. What is real and what is not? What is my head thinking things that are not there. It could be what I believed last monday was real... or was it? Which one do I believe?

I guess I am nervous about if he doesn't. I know I will be fine. I am always fine. BUT... still... it could have been fun. AND why do I this to myself? Over and over again... it doesn't end. If it's not this... its something else. If only I could find a cure. I need to break the cycle!

Mr Jam Time.

I had such a crappy day. I started a new job last Wednesday... and all have been going OK... until today. I am over tired. It all started because I stayed out until midnight on a Sunday night. My plans for the Sunday were... movies with Mr Jam... laundry... chili for the week.

I ended up staying out until midnight... drinking beer... talking. After the movies... he walked me to the t. Well we walked by his T... and I hinted at him going and he said, "I'll walk you to yours." so sweet!!

As we were approaching the T... I said drinks? He said sure. why not? So... we were there for more then 5 hours! It just flowed... and was so easy. It was the first time in a long time that I actually smile thinking about it. I do get that tingle right now writing. It makes me nervous. When we don't talk for one day... I am kind of freaking... doubting it all. Everything we talked about goes out the window. I start thinking and remembering the negative signs rather then the positive ones. I think how I asked him... and I remember him hanging out in the past few months... he is always the last to leave. Maybe he is just like that... and it didn't matter that there was never a quiet moment. I start thinking... did he ask me questions? Or was I the one? I do remember him asking some things... but who initiated the conversations? Dumb... that's what it is. Thinking about those things... if you analyzed every awesome night out... you would start to question things.

I just worry what if he just wants to be friends? I know I will be OK with this... because I enjoy his company. But I def think I want more... I can't explain it. Its just easy.

Can't cross that line.

I have a few crushes... its funny... they keep happening... they are fun and then not so fun. I don't know what to do about a crush... how do I act? and once you admit you have this crush the feelings change... the flutters start and the awkward talk when you see each other. Am I stuttering? Am I sounding like an idiot?

By age 32 I think I have learned how to flirt... but I have to fight my impulse to withdraw... to get nervous and run away... literally. One crush is someone who I see at the dog park... we have tons in common- both designers and both have dogs! Ha... we work a block apart... but what else do we have in common really? I feel weird bringing up music and/or food- isn't that the kind of stuff you talk to someone about when you are "getting to know them talk" rather then someone I meet at the dog park talk... that talk is about our dogs... about politics... about anything but actual real life stuff.

The other one is someone I used to work with... not sure when it developed... it was a slow process... but all of a sudden it was there and now I cant help but IM when I see him online... which seems like more times then not. BUT what is IM really? Its not like I can see his expressions- or can assume one thing when in reality he meant another. What is a hint and what isn't? What is a sign on one side and what is really something totally different on the other?

I am not sure in both cases... what do I do from here. This is more then the hot guy who I see at the gym... these are two guys I talk to and have actual conversations with... could be considered friends with. Soooo... how do I make sure I don't get to know them so well that we fall into "hey, buddy" zone, but at the same time, how can I show I would like to get to know you better and see.... without looking like a desperate needy girl? There is the fine line... and once you cross it, you can not go back.

First date in over a year!

I walked toward him eating an apple. I was caught… he must have seen me eating the apple right? Huh… doesn’t seem to have noticed… but now what do I do with the apple? I decided to try and put it into my pocket. A pocket that was a part of a purple old navy sweatshirt. I looked at my shirt and stopped him with a hand on his arm. Should we go to Lucky's instead? I am not dressed for this place. He had told me earlier that he had to go home to change… get into something more comfortable… doesn’t that mean jeans and a t-shirt. Not a black trench coat and a collared shirt. He smiled and said, “you are fine… come on”…We go inside the bar and its packed…. It’s a Monday night? There was one lone stool, he takes it and asks, “Is this OK?” I am standing there trying to find a way to hide the apple… and there is this shelf under an island bar and I place it into the corner. I didn’t know what else to do? Is that as bad as someone putting gum under a seat?

We had a nice time… him and I. I will call him Mr. NyQuil. He was nice… wanted to liquor me up. It didn’t help that my dinner was two apples. I did drink too much… he did pay. We ended up in my car… it was like I was 16. Fighting with him to not go to far. I just couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. I should… its been forever since I have been on a date let alone anything else. But maybe it was the comment that he was the best I would ever get. Really? Did he mean the way Anchorman had meant it… that he was better then I and he was the best I could have. Or was it because he was so full of himself that he thought he was really all that? I am not sure… but it was a little bit like cold water splashed on my face. I don’t know… I decided to end the night by driving him to South Station… him begging the whole way. He left mad… mad? Really? At age 29? He called before I hit the Pike… asking if I was upset… I said “yea… you?” “Friday?” he asks? I said “yup.” He texted before I was home. IMed me as soon as I checked my email. I was a little uncomfortable… what? Why? He asked me if I wanted him. I said, “do you want me?” He says, “Yes, I want that.” I told him “I want that is NOT I want you.” Of course he then backpedals and says “of course I want you.”

I decided after thinking through the morning that I can’t go through with this. Of course he IMed me when I got in this morning… he wanted to meet up tonight? Or tomorrow? I said, “nope, I can’t go out again until Friday.” After lots of whining about me being busy the ext two nights… but he is busy all weekend? “Oh no, speaking of Friday, I cant do it after all, there is this work thing.” I know he was lying… cause he wanted it his way and only his way. And I am done.

I deleted his phone number and told him on IM I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go through with this… that I wanted something more. And I was so happy I did. I did kind of liked him… but I don’t want another Anchorman.

Am I back?

When I don’t try… nothing happens, I enjoy my life… come and go as I please. The minute I start in again… I wonder why he isn’t IMing when he has been online for 10 minutes… why hasn’t he texted? But why do I care? Its not like I am taken with him… I have never met him… but what if it was me he didn’t like. Does that make any sense? He doesn’t know me anymore then I him… so how can he not like me… let alone like me? And then I get the IM and how can I not smile? It has been over a year...