being ok

The last few months I realized I am ok… and will be ok if I am single tomorrow or next month or next year. I have been thinking more positive. Its like my weight loss, it has taken me 3-3 1/2 years to lose 55-60 pounds… I feel like the negative thoughts went along with it… I lost a lot of the negative in my head… and I am ok… might just even be great!

I deserve someone who wants to call me… wants to knows me… both for friends and for the maybe’s I might have.

I used to hate myself when I saw pics… but then I think about it… maybe I am ok because I have lost 60 pounds… so they are def connected… the pounds and the worries… I have more confidence in the way I look… or I am getting more confidence everyday. I want to find people in my life that will recognize it and encourage it rather then make me feel bad about myself.

I am cute… not beautiful, but I am def cute… and I deserve someone who makes me feel good about myself.

I have thoughts and feelings and that is more important then what you feel. For the last few months I have realized I am the most important person in my life… me, myself, and I!

If I am not feeling like doing something I don’t. I have realized that this too is ok… sometimes I need more me time then you time. I have bills to pay and sometimes the cost isn’t worth the good time I may have. Sometimes I worked too much and am just exhausted!

I chose the life I am living… working rather then having a family. I know I would like to do both… and have been trying to focus on the family aspect… but at the same time, if it isn’t making me happy, maybe I need to take a break until it is fun again. Then I work tons because its what I know and it is what I feel like I am good at… something I have confidence in. Then I get tired of that… and go back to having fun getting another life going again. It def goes in fazes… all work and no play and then less work and more play. There is the balance thing again…

I think I am getting to the point where I need to go out and have fun again… try once again!

I am great and I hope to find someone who thinks I am great too…

More Positive!

Crushes huh… I am not sure if I do that anymore… have crushes… I guess the Surfer is a crush… others are maybe’s. It’s hard to explain… but I meet people… and I don’t know… they are single… I am single… and I just wonder. It’s an I don’t know you well enough to like you… so it’s a maybe. Sure he is cute… and can make me laugh… but I just don’t know. Or then there is ‘what do I really have in common with you?’ I spend time with these guys and wonder… what to talk about… how to bring up subjects that aren’t to personal but are more then the weather. I feel like this is it in a nutshell… Not sure how to act… how to act interested but not desperate, how to act interested while keeping in mind… do I really truly “like” this guy or is it because he is a cutey, but could I stand him every day. And then I think again… what would I talk to him about then if it is this hard to talk to him now… rather then when I know everything and run out of things to say.

I have issues with the balance of it all. And just the game it is. How do you show that they are a maybe… without showing to much… without asking them out… how do you wink without looking like there is something wrong with your eye… how do you do it? I get confused… what is the right way? The wrong?

I know that everyone says just do what your gut says… but… what happens when the gut changes by the day… one minute is a def maybe… the day before it was hmmmm… then another day is hells no… while others are just a maybe…

Maybe I am desperate…
Maybe he is?
Maybe he acts like this with everyone…
Maybe it’s all in my head…
Maybe he is thinking eeew what is she doing?
Maybe he is thinking… god would she just leave… and stop talking
Maybe he see’s the twitching I am trying to hide…

Now this isn’t just one guy… this is multiple… which means I am doing ok… cause a lot of people I know are maybe’s. I remember this of friends of my past… the multiple… and only a few developed into anything… and these friends were ok with themselves. Maybe they were better at this then I am… thinking the positive more then the negative. I have been working on the positive!

to much work makes a dull kt!

I have been working tons... and have no Internet on the weekends... so no real dates and no time to blog! I need stuff to blog about! Anyway, I may have some blogs posts that are late getting online... so some of this stuff is here there and everywhere.

I need some stuff to blog about... any ideas? Yikes, I need dates just to fill this in.

Finally Happy!

I had friends come in from out of town the other weekend. It was soooo good to see them... I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time... and I came to the conclusion.... I am ok if others don't like me or if I am not good enough for someone.

As long as I have friends who come to visit, who I visit, why spend time with people who don't want you to be there. I have a hard time giving up... stepping away from a friendship. I try and try... and then get hurt when it isn’t shared... when I am always left wondering... if I had said this instead of that... would I have a better friend then this? Or were they ever really a friend at all?

I just realized I am ok with the people in my life... and I am just going to stop trying so hard... I'll be there as long as they are there for me as well.

I also took a ton of pics of me this weekend, and I didn’t care what I looked like in them, and just let people be snap happy any time they desired. I looked at the pics... and for once I can say I think I might be pretty. Not all are great, but I didn’t look half bad. I could never say I was beautiful or hot... but who cares... I looked happy. I actually looked happy.

What about you?

Think about it... why does being single have to suck? Because people assume that what makes you happy is being with someone else. But does it really have to suck?

But then people say that you have to love yourself to be truly happy.

But how do you know you are ok with yourself? I am sitting at a coffee shop beside this couple. When I first sat down I hear their conversation... I assumed they didn’t know each other very well... the way they responded to one another other. She seemed annoyed with everything he was saying... he sounded like he didn’t know what to talk about so he just kept talking. Until they mention their wedding... hmmm... wedding? And they talk like that to each other? If they asked themselves if they were truly happy right now what would they say? I honestly think about it... I really truly do not think they are.

Now they are talking about moving in together. Arguing... him saying that she doesn’t know how she feels about moving in.
“I'm gonna miss that place...”
“Why.” he asks? “It’s going to be fun! What about missy... you’re going to miss her?"
And then she says, just... stuff... we have no stuff"

Oh my god, it is going on and on... are they really enjoying themselves?

I for once can say I think I am happier right now. I just had as great cup of coffee and my all time favorite breakfast... fruit, yogurt, and granola. I am writing... working... just enjoying my day... honestly. And they are sitting there arguing... discussing... and god it just didn’t sound like either were honestly truly happy?

Why do they think they are happy? Because everyone around them is looking at them and thinking... wow look at that cute couple over there. Ooooh they are planning there wedding... how cute!

But... who the heck cares what that person thinks... They will never see them again... who cares but what you two think... seriously.... who cares but the two of you... what are you feeling right now? Wouldn’t you rather be alone... reading... writing... watching... and listening... rather then arguing, sighing, rolling your eyes, twitching, looking anywhere but at each other. Yea I think I know what I would say!

What about you?

The surfer.

The surfer’s friend called me! Woohoo… ha! I guess he called her right after he had met me… telling her all about me and how cool I was… man I just wish he had called. Anyway, I met up with his friend over coffee one Saturday morning… she was cool… has two young kids… is a stay at home mom at the moment… with a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 month old!

She told me the surfer was 30… man as I said… I wish he would have called me… but she was super cool… so maybe her and I will become friends… like real friends and she can reintroduce me to the surfer…. Hmmm…

I asked her how she had met him… she tells me church. Ok… not sure how I feel about this… I wonder what this means? I asked her about the it… the church… it actually doesn’t sound so bad… it sounded it like the church I went to when I lived in Charlotte… and I started to really enjoy it there… they played a live band… not super Christian music… sure some I love god and god loves me stuff… but not bad… more like Sarah McLaughlin. The friends I made there were great… I haven’t neccesary kept in touch by phone… but we do by facebook. The church was a learning experience, and something I think about from time to time… so I was tempted, am tempted to try it some Sunday morning. She called me the same day I met her… asking me to go the following day… saying she is out of town the next few Sundays, so it won’t be for a few weeks before I could go again. I declined… I wasn’t ready just yet for that.

I kind of want to go… but is it for the right reasons? What if I want to go just to meet new people? And of course see the surfer again. I do want that… but I am still curious about church and god… just because it all confuses me doesn’t mean I don’t wonder…

I feel guilty I guess… as someone who grew up catholic… I do think about the sins and what is considered a sin… do I believe I am really truly sinning? No… but is it ingrained into my head… sure… who grew up catholic and have it not be there… but what if I do meet the surfer again… and the only reason I do is because I went to church… am I lying? I just get confused… what is right here and what is wrong?

I also am afraid that when I do see him… well if I see him again that he won’t be whom I remember. I have built him up to someone who doesn’t exist. Of course I know he was hot… but how hot? Not as hot as I remembered… and then I am scared he is married or happily engaged and then whatever that I have in my head is gone… I kind of like looking for surfers when I drive by at night… is it ever him? Nope… do I want it to be… sure but that also scares the heck out of me now… maybe I am ok never ever seeing him again. Maybe he makes me hope and dream again… and if I see him again my dream is over… I am crazy I know… I just am finally feeling ok with who I am… I ignore that I am I not getting match emails… I am finally feeling like I deserve someone who really likes me… loves me for me. I love that I love to laugh and that I have a great personality… I know that now… and I am enjoying the time I am having alone… when I am out… I listen to some really dumb conversations… some great ones… and some fun ones… but I sat there and thought you know I would rather be alone then sitting there like that girl… the girl who would rather be anywhere but there.

Done I say!

I have been seeing Mr. Friday again. The ironic thing is I stopped seeing him the night before I moved into my old apartment… then the first time I saw him again was right after I moved to the beach. Anyway… we never stopped hanging out for any real reason… except for that he annoyed me and was kind of an ass. So when he didn’t call and I didn’t call him for more then six months… it was just over. As I said, I think I was fine with that… and then he started Iming me a few months ago… and then calling again. I didn’t care, what the heck… I had fun with him most of the time… when I wasn’t in the car with him… or when he wasn’t talking down to some waitress.

We have seen each other every 3 or 4 weeks, he usually starts to annoy me at about hour five… and then I am done for another few weeks. Today, I have had enough. We talked this week, deciding to hang out Friday night… then Friday night arrives and he says that he is to tired and lazy to drive to the beach tonight… I was at work… and would have to go get my car then drive past work to his place… did I mention that he had two days off? So he couldn’t come to me even after I told him about my super shitty week that I had. Instead he says, you are not sounding like you are up to doing anything, call me later after u get home… I didn’t… but then after a few drinks at a bar with a friend… I texted him saying he should come over… now this is 9:30 not midnight!

Saturday morning I awake to a text from him saying he passed out… we talked and he decided to come over for a bit in the afternoon… sure why not right? Nope not a good idea in the least… seeing him in daylight is a lot different then the shadows at the movie theater or under the dining light… anyway that was just one thing to start off the day… then he got mad about one thing after another… to the point where I actually got nervous… and thought to myself… do I really want to be here right now? Do I really want him to be here right now? I could have been having a better time in my own company then listening and dealing with him and his complaints. He said his goodbyes and kissed me on the lips… or was it the cheek… I didn’t take notice… not wanting to roll my eyes… holding back the bile rising in my throat. I am just done!

I need to remind myself in 6 weeks from now about this day… so when I am in need of another "date"… then I remember my annoyance… I am afraid I may forget this… but I can’t anymore… done I say!