Sexless in the City

Two Dogs

2011-06-26T11:12:00.002-05:00

How is everyone? I know I haven't been on in awhile. What do I talk about? What do i say- and then worry about it being read at a later date. I have decided to just go with the flow and watch what I say… or write rather!

I do worry about what I say as much as this… I worry about going out with work people and saying something I shouldn't. I worry about how I say something and people think it means something else entirely… I just worry. I have been working on the worrying thing… but then it is just on to something else. I have read books by "Dr David Burns" which helps… but sometimes my brain just keeps going…. and going.

Last few weeks I started to panic about Mr Jam and I. We have been going out now for 9 months… and are planning a road trip to Wisconsin next week… meeting the fam! I kind of panicked… what if I don't want this? What if he gets irritated about things and I don't want to deal? Isn't that anyone though? That's what I think about… about how no matter who it is with… I will have to get used to their moods. At least these moods are quiet and not yelling and screaming. Its funny how much he reminds me of my mom… its weird… aren't you suppose to fall for someone like your dad? BUT he is more like my mom in a lot of ways. He gives these looks.., that could be seen as angry- or annoyed… but in reality it is more confusing and a look of thinking. I am used to my mom by now… so I know I will get used to Mr Jam's looks… just taking me time to adjust. Adjust to being more uptight about things then I am… and I thought I was uptight about things! is that OK? Is that what every relationship goes through? Two living people who have to get used to each other… and we are thank GOD doing it slow rather then moving into together. We are doing it here and there rather then all the time…

I panicked though cause I am driving to meet the family… and when we arrive after 18 hours of driving… we will have a new puppy to go along with my lady. Lady (my dog) is coming along with as well… soooo… Mr Jam and I discussed him getting a dog while we were there… he is excited. SO yea, our drive home after a week in his home town… will be with TWO dogs… and one still a puppy. What have I gotten myself into? ALSO… once home… I get two dogs… yup. TWO for the following 3.5 weeks. Mr Jam is moving… moving MUCH closer to me then where he is now… BUT that isn't until August and he is not allowed to have dogs in his current apartment… so she will be with lady and I for awhile. I panicked you see… cause I have commitments and wow… what if I am not ready… what if this isn't right? I had to tell myself to take one day at a time and stop worrying about the negative… the bad… the day that may never come.

I am excited about the road trip… nervous… but I think it will be fun. If we can make it through this… then I am thinking we might be OK for awhile longer… Hopefully I will have the time for some updates along the way… good… bad… and interesting…which it will be if nothing else-- TWO DOGS!!

Plans are being made.

2011-03-15T20:24:00.003-05:00

Plans are being made with Mr Jam and I... plans for months from now... scares me some... its only been what 4-5 months? How can I be planing that far away... how can I not?

Things are good... holidays were spent with my family and there is a plan for july on his side... so things are going better then I expected... its just easy... it just kind of makes sense... the moods are something we all need to get used to... once the honeymoon is over- the truth comes out... I hope for the best...

I am not sure what to write about here... what if I complain and he reads this or knows about this place? I am not sure what my mouth said over the summer... before we knew where we would be today. Did I mention this place? If I did... well... ok... so how do I write about my life knowing someone may read it. I am going to just wing it and try to write more often...

If anyone wants to help.. come up with something to write about- topics- let me know.

Breaking the cycle.

2010-11-01T20:08:00.001-05:00

Yesterday.
I cut my hair soooo short last night. My intention was NEVER this short. I am freaking out actually. Should I go and buy a wig on this halloween sunday? Oh my god... what was I thinking? And I might be seeing Mr Jam friday... and oh my god- what if he thinks- yuck I hate short hair- although he is bald... so not sure how he can judge- since he has no choice. BUT... I am really and truly freaking about my hair.

Tonight.
I decided I liked the hair. It took me a day to come to terms with having the short hair again. I do think its shorter then I wanted. One minute, I look in the mirror and see my face 50 pounds ago... and then I look and see a cute girl. Who is the real me I wonder? Both I guess.

I sent Mr Jam an email... he did respond saying he would fill me in more later. I didn't mention next friday or saturday. I am going to try the hardest to wait until i hear from him before I see him online and say hi. I worry one minute that I am showing to much of myself to soon... that we talked to much online the first few weeks. Then I worry that I am not showing enough... that I act like more of a friend then someone who wants more. I worry... worry and oh yea worry.

I made an effort to try to change my way... my track record. I have stayed offline for the last year and a half. I enjoy making jewelry... doing a puzzle... going to the dog park... life... anything but checking my emails... its kind of like when we are 16 and waiting for the phone to ring. You check the sent mail... wonder if you got the right email. You check IM... yup... working. You IM someone... yup you are online... just like calling the operator just to see if the phone is working.

I am NOT doing that anymore... I am scared though. I do like him... this crush of mine. What if he is just going to end up being the same as every other? What if he isn't into me. What if I am making things up to make myself believe. Not making up per-say... more like hearing what you want to hear. What is real and what is not? What is my head thinking things that are not there. It could be what I believed last monday was real... or was it? Which one do I believe?

I guess I am nervous about if he doesn't. I know I will be fine. I am always fine. BUT... still... it could have been fun. AND why do I this to myself? Over and over again... it doesn't end. If it's not this... its something else. If only I could find a cure. I need to break the cycle!

Mr Jam Time.

2010-10-26T20:16:00.000-05:00

I had such a crappy day. I started a new job last Wednesday... and all have been going OK... until today. I am over tired. It all started because I stayed out until midnight on a Sunday night. My plans for the Sunday were... movies with Mr Jam... laundry... chili for the week.

I ended up staying out until midnight... drinking beer... talking. After the movies... he walked me to the t. Well we walked by his T... and I hinted at him going and he said, "I'll walk you to yours." so sweet!!

As we were approaching the T... I said drinks? He said sure. why not? So... we were there for more then 5 hours! It just flowed... and was so easy. It was the first time in a long time that I actually smile thinking about it. I do get that tingle right now writing. It makes me nervous. When we don't talk for one day... I am kind of freaking... doubting it all. Everything we talked about goes out the window. I start thinking and remembering the negative signs rather then the positive ones. I think how I asked him... and I remember him hanging out in the past few months... he is always the last to leave. Maybe he is just like that... and it didn't matter that there was never a quiet moment. I start thinking... did he ask me questions? Or was I the one? I do remember him asking some things... but who initiated the conversations? Dumb... that's what it is. Thinking about those things... if you analyzed every awesome night out... you would start to question things.

I just worry what if he just wants to be friends? I know I will be OK with this... because I enjoy his company. But I def think I want more... I can't explain it. Its just easy.

Can't cross that line.

2010-10-15T19:33:00.002-05:00

I have a few crushes... its funny... they keep happening... they are fun and then not so fun. I don't know what to do about a crush... how do I act? and once you admit you have this crush the feelings change... the flutters start and the awkward talk when you see each other. Am I stuttering? Am I sounding like an idiot?

By age 32 I think I have learned how to flirt... but I have to fight my impulse to withdraw... to get nervous and run away... literally. One crush is someone who I see at the dog park... we have tons in common- both designers and both have dogs! Ha... we work a block apart... but what else do we have in common really? I feel weird bringing up music and/or food- isn't that the kind of stuff you talk to someone about when you are "getting to know them talk" rather then someone I meet at the dog park talk... that talk is about our dogs... about politics... about anything but actual real life stuff.

The other one is someone I used to work with... not sure when it developed... it was a slow process... but all of a sudden it was there and now I cant help but IM when I see him online... which seems like more times then not. BUT what is IM really? Its not like I can see his expressions- or can assume one thing when in reality he meant another. What is a hint and what isn't? What is a sign on one side and what is really something totally different on the other?

I am not sure in both cases... what do I do from here. This is more then the hot guy who I see at the gym... these are two guys I talk to and have actual conversations with... could be considered friends with. Soooo... how do I make sure I don't get to know them so well that we fall into "hey, buddy" zone, but at the same time, how can I show I would like to get to know you better and see.... without looking like a desperate needy girl? There is the fine line... and once you cross it, you can not go back.

First date in over a year!

2010-10-12T20:38:00.001-05:00

I walked toward him eating an apple. I was caught… he must have seen me eating the apple right? Huh… doesn’t seem to have noticed… but now what do I do with the apple? I decided to try and put it into my pocket. A pocket that was a part of a purple old navy sweatshirt. I looked at my shirt and stopped him with a hand on his arm. Should we go to Lucky's instead? I am not dressed for this place. He had told me earlier that he had to go home to change… get into something more comfortable… doesn’t that mean jeans and a t-shirt. Not a black trench coat and a collared shirt. He smiled and said, “you are fine… come on”…We go inside the bar and its packed…. It’s a Monday night? There was one lone stool, he takes it and asks, “Is this OK?” I am standing there trying to find a way to hide the apple… and there is this shelf under an island bar and I place it into the corner. I didn’t know what else to do? Is that as bad as someone putting gum under a seat?

We had a nice time… him and I. I will call him Mr. NyQuil. He was nice… wanted to liquor me up. It didn’t help that my dinner was two apples. I did drink too much… he did pay. We ended up in my car… it was like I was 16. Fighting with him to not go to far. I just couldn’t bring myself to go through with it. I should… its been forever since I have been on a date let alone anything else. But maybe it was the comment that he was the best I would ever get. Really? Did he mean the way Anchorman had meant it… that he was better then I and he was the best I could have. Or was it because he was so full of himself that he thought he was really all that? I am not sure… but it was a little bit like cold water splashed on my face. I don’t know… I decided to end the night by driving him to South Station… him begging the whole way. He left mad… mad? Really? At age 29? He called before I hit the Pike… asking if I was upset… I said “yea… you?” “Friday?” he asks? I said “yup.” He texted before I was home. IMed me as soon as I checked my email. I was a little uncomfortable… what? Why? He asked me if I wanted him. I said, “do you want me?” He says, “Yes, I want that.” I told him “I want that is NOT I want you.” Of course he then backpedals and says “of course I want you.”

I decided after thinking through the morning that I can’t go through with this. Of course he IMed me when I got in this morning… he wanted to meet up tonight? Or tomorrow? I said, “nope, I can’t go out again until Friday.” After lots of whining about me being busy the ext two nights… but he is busy all weekend? “Oh no, speaking of Friday, I cant do it after all, there is this work thing.” I know he was lying… cause he wanted it his way and only his way. And I am done.

I deleted his phone number and told him on IM I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t go through with this… that I wanted something more. And I was so happy I did. I did kind of liked him… but I don’t want another Anchorman.

Am I back?

2010-10-08T09:48:00.000-05:00

When I don’t try… nothing happens, I enjoy my life… come and go as I please. The minute I start in again… I wonder why he isn’t IMing when he has been online for 10 minutes… why hasn’t he texted? But why do I care? Its not like I am taken with him… I have never met him… but what if it was me he didn’t like. Does that make any sense? He doesn’t know me anymore then I him… so how can he not like me… let alone like me? And then I get the IM and how can I not smile? It has been over a year...

My Lady

2010-06-22T15:57:00.001-05:00

I feel like I have a child... I got her in November ... and man people are right ... you do have to be prepared to get a puppy ... and she wasn't even the 8 week kind ... she was a year or so they thought kind. I went to visit my dad over thanksgiving ... it was a family event ... the first time in years that the four of us + my sister and law ... we drove from rescue to rescue until we found the one... I made the decision to go and “look”... Until then I felt as though I couldn't get a dog... I couldn't cause most of my roommates did at one time or another ... and how would I be home enough ... roommates of my past used me as usually as a second or even third parent figure (is that even what its called- a parent?) How could I take care of a dog all alone? BUT ... when I was put into the situation ... how could I have said no? My brother has two labs, my mom one and my dad and his new life has a golden and a spaniel ... so how could I have said no? I wanted someone ... something to make the part in my tummy that is like a hunger pain go away... the feeling that you are 32 with nothing ... yes a job.... But no one besides the kit kat ... my family ... the people closest to me knew ... they knew ... they saw it in my eyes ... heard it in my voice when I say ha... I’m fine!

Sooo ... they got me a dog ... she has become my life ... my lady! I love and hate it if truth be told ... but isn't that life? The good with the bad? I love having her see me and treats me as it I am everything she lives for... I love how after a shitty day ... that she can make me laugh at the deepest part of myself... I love that I met more people in five weeks of having her then I had in the six months previously. I like having a reason to go for a walk ... even in a blizzard with the wind wiping off the waves.... I love how cute she is ... we won’t mention how she won’t listen and how I have to keep up with being in control ... making myself have a tone ... making myself have a backbone. We won’t mention that she eats kids lunches and acts though I am yelling just for the fun of it... I love how she tunes me out as though she was a child. I love how I have an excuse to bail out of things or gives me an excuse to get a hotel rather then crash on someone's couch. I love the company on the long car rides to Vermont.... I love when she looks up at me as if she is Jillian from the Biggest Loser ... come on get your ass moving ... this is as fast as you can go? I love when she eats raw fish at 7 in the morning and almost kills the birds-or thinks she will.... I love and hate many things ... but I thank god she was put here ... with me ... that I chose her rather then another... I am not sure I can go back to before her...

So as I bitch about her from time to time on these posts ... remember everything I say comes with another side ... the side I forget to mention when I am in a mood.

A little confused

2010-06-18T15:13:00.000-05:00

I find myself a little confused. I am either super lonely… bored… or is it real? Is my heart pittering and pattering because I am bored and haven’t had this feeling in awhile? I DON’T KNOW!! I know that the feelings I had years ago were friendships and smiles… but I know I was confused when people would laugh about the hugs… saying “ ha-ha k… he always finds a reason to hug you.” but in my head id think does he do that with everyone or just me? Why me? I am huge… and don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror why the hugs? I remember he would just show up randomly… never knew when or why… and I was to dumb to realize or scared to wonder. I didn’t think people felt that way for me. I think back on five years ago and wonder how I got this far. I am afraid I will go back to the way I was then…oblivious… scared…. Naïve…. Freaked… nervous… depressed… a virgin.

Was that normal? Am I normal? In the metro the other day they had a whole article on being 30 and a virgin… I was surprised to see a whole article on this subject… and I wonder how many people are virgins at age 30. I can say I was 30 when I finally went thru with it… I was close enough though.

So now years after… am I any more a woman then I was then? Am I less naïve? No longer afraid? I don’t know… I know I am happy as I am… I have started to enjoy my own time… but then I am scared that maybe I enjoy it to much. I enjoy coming home to a Friday night with the thought of a movie and an early night. I enjoy my one glass of wine from time to time… but do I enjoy it or am I just telling myself I do? Am I really and truly happy? And what is happy really? Happy is the thoughts in your head telling yourself that you are happy. It is telling yourself to forget the bad thought… to yell at yourself when you look at yourself and see who you were 60 pounds ago. You don’t see the size 12 waist but you see the rolls on your back. Happy is the thoughts in your head. So I could be happy today and depressed the next… all because of the hours I have slept… the interactions I had…

So if I wake up to cheek my email… to facebook… to texting at 4 am… to lady being a nut ball. It is 4 am and awake… I see messages and emails I might not have seen in the same light or darkness as I saw at that moment… emails that make you dream of them… dream of times of the past merged with today. I wake with thoughts…. Thoughts that were/are confusing… what is a dream and what is real? isn’t that always the question… the thoughts in your head is what is making you feel like this… the pitter patter… the confusion… questions of why now? Why am I feeling like this? I find myself a little confused. I am either super lonely… bored… or is it real? Is my heart pittering and pattering because I am bored and haven’t had this feeling in awhile? I DON’T KNOW!!

I get the vibrates of texts here and there and I can not help but send one back. I have been trying to stop asking myself why and maybe I just enjoy it for what it is rather then what it might not be. I want to stop asking myself why and why not. Wondering what this and that mean or not mean. it is so confusing… to not know what it is and it isn’t.

live with it.

2010-06-12T18:41:00.003-05:00

I know I haven’t written on here in months and months… and some of the reason has to do with not having internet… I think the not having internet has helped me get off internet dating. I cant do it anymore… dating on there. Maybe I will be able to in a few months or years from now, but I just get bored by it… everyone’s profile looks exactly the same… everyone says the same things… I love working out… I love this and that and the other.

I also know I haven’t written because I always question what I am saying after leaving a party or get together… and when I write about it is like everyone I know reads it and knows my deepest fears and thoughts. I hate that… knowing that… so I decided I like how I wrote about it in the early days… I wrote what I was thinking as I was thinking. I feel like I write the things the way I do because as I reread this I may understand it… but will others? I actually would rather you didn’t… I want it to be confusing… I want you to not know what I mean… I like when the meaning could be 4. I don’t want to write something that is so well written that I could be an author…

Which brings me to the 3rd reason for not writing... I hate worrying about being grammatically correct... especially while I am using the Iphone... kind of hard to do this or that... and then i get paranoid and worry some more... making it less fun and less what I need this blog for. I like writing as if this is my personal poetry… soooo if I do not use periods or write something not grammatically correct… well that is fine… because it is mine and no one else’s blog. Go somewhere else to read the good stuff,,, the articles and books that people get paid to write… cause this isn’t going to follow any rules.

I may write from my iphone which means… short and sweet… live with it.

being ok

2009-09-18T08:06:00.001-05:00

The last few months I realized I am ok… and will be ok if I am single tomorrow or next month or next year. I have been thinking more positive. Its like my weight loss, it has taken me 3-3 1/2 years to lose 55-60 pounds… I feel like the negative thoughts went along with it… I lost a lot of the negative in my head… and I am ok… might just even be great!

I deserve someone who wants to call me… wants to knows me… both for friends and for the maybe’s I might have.

I used to hate myself when I saw pics… but then I think about it… maybe I am ok because I have lost 60 pounds… so they are def connected… the pounds and the worries… I have more confidence in the way I look… or I am getting more confidence everyday. I want to find people in my life that will recognize it and encourage it rather then make me feel bad about myself.

I am cute… not beautiful, but I am def cute… and I deserve someone who makes me feel good about myself.

I have thoughts and feelings and that is more important then what you feel. For the last few months I have realized I am the most important person in my life… me, myself, and I!

If I am not feeling like doing something I don’t. I have realized that this too is ok… sometimes I need more me time then you time. I have bills to pay and sometimes the cost isn’t worth the good time I may have. Sometimes I worked too much and am just exhausted!

I chose the life I am living… working rather then having a family. I know I would like to do both… and have been trying to focus on the family aspect… but at the same time, if it isn’t making me happy, maybe I need to take a break until it is fun again. Then I work tons because its what I know and it is what I feel like I am good at… something I have confidence in. Then I get tired of that… and go back to having fun getting another life going again. It def goes in fazes… all work and no play and then less work and more play. There is the balance thing again…

I think I am getting to the point where I need to go out and have fun again… try once again!

I am great and I hope to find someone who thinks I am great too…

More Positive!

2009-09-17T09:57:00.000-05:00

Crushes huh… I am not sure if I do that anymore… have crushes… I guess the Surfer is a crush… others are maybe’s. It’s hard to explain… but I meet people… and I don’t know… they are single… I am single… and I just wonder. It’s an I don’t know you well enough to like you… so it’s a maybe. Sure he is cute… and can make me laugh… but I just don’t know. Or then there is ‘what do I really have in common with you?’ I spend time with these guys and wonder… what to talk about… how to bring up subjects that aren’t to personal but are more then the weather. I feel like this is it in a nutshell… Not sure how to act… how to act interested but not desperate, how to act interested while keeping in mind… do I really truly “like” this guy or is it because he is a cutey, but could I stand him every day. And then I think again… what would I talk to him about then if it is this hard to talk to him now… rather then when I know everything and run out of things to say.

I have issues with the balance of it all. And just the game it is. How do you show that they are a maybe… without showing to much… without asking them out… how do you wink without looking like there is something wrong with your eye… how do you do it? I get confused… what is the right way? The wrong?

I know that everyone says just do what your gut says… but… what happens when the gut changes by the day… one minute is a def maybe… the day before it was hmmmm… then another day is hells no… while others are just a maybe…

Maybe I am desperate…
Maybe he is?
Maybe he acts like this with everyone…
Maybe it’s all in my head…
Maybe he is thinking eeew what is she doing?
Maybe he is thinking… god would she just leave… and stop talking
Maybe he see’s the twitching I am trying to hide…

Now this isn’t just one guy… this is multiple… which means I am doing ok… cause a lot of people I know are maybe’s. I remember this of friends of my past… the multiple… and only a few developed into anything… and these friends were ok with themselves. Maybe they were better at this then I am… thinking the positive more then the negative. I have been working on the positive!

to much work makes a dull kt!

2009-09-14T17:34:00.004-05:00

I have been working tons... and have no Internet on the weekends... so no real dates and no time to blog! I need stuff to blog about! Anyway, I may have some blogs posts that are late getting online... so some of this stuff is here there and everywhere.

I need some stuff to blog about... any ideas? Yikes, I need dates just to fill this in.

Finally Happy!

2009-09-14T17:34:00.001-05:00

I had friends come in from out of town the other weekend. It was soooo good to see them... I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time... and I came to the conclusion.... I am ok if others don't like me or if I am not good enough for someone.

As long as I have friends who come to visit, who I visit, why spend time with people who don't want you to be there. I have a hard time giving up... stepping away from a friendship. I try and try... and then get hurt when it isn’t shared... when I am always left wondering... if I had said this instead of that... would I have a better friend then this? Or were they ever really a friend at all?

I just realized I am ok with the people in my life... and I am just going to stop trying so hard... I'll be there as long as they are there for me as well.

I also took a ton of pics of me this weekend, and I didn’t care what I looked like in them, and just let people be snap happy any time they desired. I looked at the pics... and for once I can say I think I might be pretty. Not all are great, but I didn’t look half bad. I could never say I was beautiful or hot... but who cares... I looked happy. I actually looked happy.

What about you?

2009-09-14T17:27:00.000-05:00

Think about it... why does being single have to suck? Because people assume that what makes you happy is being with someone else. But does it really have to suck?

But then people say that you have to love yourself to be truly happy.

But how do you know you are ok with yourself? I am sitting at a coffee shop beside this couple. When I first sat down I hear their conversation... I assumed they didn’t know each other very well... the way they responded to one another other. She seemed annoyed with everything he was saying... he sounded like he didn’t know what to talk about so he just kept talking. Until they mention their wedding... hmmm... wedding? And they talk like that to each other? If they asked themselves if they were truly happy right now what would they say? I honestly think about it... I really truly do not think they are.

Now they are talking about moving in together. Arguing... him saying that she doesn’t know how she feels about moving in.
“I'm gonna miss that place...”
“Why.” he asks? “It’s going to be fun! What about missy... you’re going to miss her?"
And then she says, just... stuff... we have no stuff"

Oh my god, it is going on and on... are they really enjoying themselves?

I for once can say I think I am happier right now. I just had as great cup of coffee and my all time favorite breakfast... fruit, yogurt, and granola. I am writing... working... just enjoying my day... honestly. And they are sitting there arguing... discussing... and god it just didn’t sound like either were honestly truly happy?

Why do they think they are happy? Because everyone around them is looking at them and thinking... wow look at that cute couple over there. Ooooh they are planning there wedding... how cute!

But... who the heck cares what that person thinks... They will never see them again... who cares but what you two think... seriously.... who cares but the two of you... what are you feeling right now? Wouldn’t you rather be alone... reading... writing... watching... and listening... rather then arguing, sighing, rolling your eyes, twitching, looking anywhere but at each other. Yea I think I know what I would say!

What about you?

The surfer.

2009-08-05T17:36:00.001-05:00

The surfer’s friend called me! Woohoo… ha! I guess he called her right after he had met me… telling her all about me and how cool I was… man I just wish he had called. Anyway, I met up with his friend over coffee one Saturday morning… she was cool… has two young kids… is a stay at home mom at the moment… with a 2 1/2 year old and a 3 month old!

She told me the surfer was 30… man as I said… I wish he would have called me… but she was super cool… so maybe her and I will become friends… like real friends and she can reintroduce me to the surfer…. Hmmm…

I asked her how she had met him… she tells me church. Ok… not sure how I feel about this… I wonder what this means? I asked her about the it… the church… it actually doesn’t sound so bad… it sounded it like the church I went to when I lived in Charlotte… and I started to really enjoy it there… they played a live band… not super Christian music… sure some I love god and god loves me stuff… but not bad… more like Sarah McLaughlin. The friends I made there were great… I haven’t neccesary kept in touch by phone… but we do by facebook. The church was a learning experience, and something I think about from time to time… so I was tempted, am tempted to try it some Sunday morning. She called me the same day I met her… asking me to go the following day… saying she is out of town the next few Sundays, so it won’t be for a few weeks before I could go again. I declined… I wasn’t ready just yet for that.

I kind of want to go… but is it for the right reasons? What if I want to go just to meet new people? And of course see the surfer again. I do want that… but I am still curious about church and god… just because it all confuses me doesn’t mean I don’t wonder…

I feel guilty I guess… as someone who grew up catholic… I do think about the sins and what is considered a sin… do I believe I am really truly sinning? No… but is it ingrained into my head… sure… who grew up catholic and have it not be there… but what if I do meet the surfer again… and the only reason I do is because I went to church… am I lying? I just get confused… what is right here and what is wrong?

I also am afraid that when I do see him… well if I see him again that he won’t be whom I remember. I have built him up to someone who doesn’t exist. Of course I know he was hot… but how hot? Not as hot as I remembered… and then I am scared he is married or happily engaged and then whatever that I have in my head is gone… I kind of like looking for surfers when I drive by at night… is it ever him? Nope… do I want it to be… sure but that also scares the heck out of me now… maybe I am ok never ever seeing him again. Maybe he makes me hope and dream again… and if I see him again my dream is over… I am crazy I know… I just am finally feeling ok with who I am… I ignore that I am I not getting match emails… I am finally feeling like I deserve someone who really likes me… loves me for me. I love that I love to laugh and that I have a great personality… I know that now… and I am enjoying the time I am having alone… when I am out… I listen to some really dumb conversations… some great ones… and some fun ones… but I sat there and thought you know I would rather be alone then sitting there like that girl… the girl who would rather be anywhere but there.

Done I say!

2009-08-03T09:46:00.000-05:00

I have been seeing Mr. Friday again. The ironic thing is I stopped seeing him the night before I moved into my old apartment… then the first time I saw him again was right after I moved to the beach. Anyway… we never stopped hanging out for any real reason… except for that he annoyed me and was kind of an ass. So when he didn’t call and I didn’t call him for more then six months… it was just over. As I said, I think I was fine with that… and then he started Iming me a few months ago… and then calling again. I didn’t care, what the heck… I had fun with him most of the time… when I wasn’t in the car with him… or when he wasn’t talking down to some waitress.

We have seen each other every 3 or 4 weeks, he usually starts to annoy me at about hour five… and then I am done for another few weeks. Today, I have had enough. We talked this week, deciding to hang out Friday night… then Friday night arrives and he says that he is to tired and lazy to drive to the beach tonight… I was at work… and would have to go get my car then drive past work to his place… did I mention that he had two days off? So he couldn’t come to me even after I told him about my super shitty week that I had. Instead he says, you are not sounding like you are up to doing anything, call me later after u get home… I didn’t… but then after a few drinks at a bar with a friend… I texted him saying he should come over… now this is 9:30 not midnight!

Saturday morning I awake to a text from him saying he passed out… we talked and he decided to come over for a bit in the afternoon… sure why not right? Nope not a good idea in the least… seeing him in daylight is a lot different then the shadows at the movie theater or under the dining light… anyway that was just one thing to start off the day… then he got mad about one thing after another… to the point where I actually got nervous… and thought to myself… do I really want to be here right now? Do I really want him to be here right now? I could have been having a better time in my own company then listening and dealing with him and his complaints. He said his goodbyes and kissed me on the lips… or was it the cheek… I didn’t take notice… not wanting to roll my eyes… holding back the bile rising in my throat. I am just done!

I need to remind myself in 6 weeks from now about this day… so when I am in need of another "date"… then I remember my annoyance… I am afraid I may forget this… but I can’t anymore… done I say!

Movin' to the beach!

2009-05-30T16:52:00.000-05:00

I just moved to the beach… I think I may be in heaven. This is amazing… I love living alone… no one to talk to when I am so tired I can’t even smile. I love waking up at 2am and going to the bathroom with my eyes closed and the bathroom door wide open. I love my cat’s purr as she looks outside the many windows. I love when I walk in the door, she is waiting and the sun is shining. I see light at the end of the tunnel… literally! My living room, kitchen and bedroom have 7 windows total… amazing light! I think I am in love!

I went for a walk last night… on the beach… the sky was a purplish blue-black color and the wind was cold… but it was amazing and beautiful. I walked up the sidewalk… towards the stone fence that blocks the rocks of the beach. It isn’t a beach really… just rocks and water. Honestly I am not sure what the definition of beach is… so if it’s the entire coast then hells… I live right off the beach… but if a beach means white sand and blue water… then I am living far from the beach. Whatever the case… I love the sound of the waves hitting the rocks; I love the smell of the salt in the air…

There were surfers in front of me… what the heck! Surfers… near Boston? Where have I been for three years…. Surfers! And they were near my age… I thought for sure they must be 17-18… but not 30! I mean maybe 25-35… but man it was F-ing COLD… were they nuts? They did have black wet suits on… and I wondered how warm they really were… they were nuts!

I was uncomfortable walking near the small group of guys and a dog. I just walk by and maybe smiled? I walked toward the end of the sidewalk… walking towards two women and another dog… they were watching a group of surfers walking into the waves… I shook my head as I walked up to them saying, “they are crazy… it’s so cold out there!” The lady with the dog said, “Ha! Are you from Texas too?”

We talked then… the three of us… those two a bit older then me… the lady standing on the rock tells me her son was one of the one’s surfing…. He was from New town… I was like what! “I just moved from there!” She finally says, “Ok I better go take a picture… this is why I came… to take a picture.” We said our goodbyes and walked away… I walked around a bit… and then out to the water… watching the surfers… amazed by them and there passion to be out there in that cold cold water…

I stopped next to the lady with the son one more time… we talked about what I did… where we were from… me vt… her visiting her son who just graduated college-she was from Texas… he just got his masters she says… but has started his own landscaping business… was doing good… I imagined some little boy… maybe he resembled my cousbro in st Augustine…. But that is how I imagined him…

I said my goodbyes and walked away… walked near the water down the rocks… away from the surfers…. I sat on the rocks and talked to my mom… watched the coast… watched the lady and her son… I walked some more and stood and watched the cruise ship come out of the harbor… it was funny to see such a ship out there… and I am in Boston not Florida!

As I walked up to the sidewalk… I noticed the lady with her son was just getting into his car. I got this twist in my stomach and I thought about turning around… I did not want to walk up there… he was older then I thought he would be was my first thought… he was using a towel to wipe out his hair… and he just watched me… I was super uncomfortable. and I just smiled and said you are nuts… when he laughed my stomach dropped… he had the best smile… he turns and walks to his truck… I follow since this is the only way to the sidewalk… I see his mom in the truck… I smile and wave… he see’s this and smiles… he stops at his back and says…
“So you just moved here my mom said?”
I said “yea,” he says,
“How long ago?”
“2 weeks”
“Wow, yea you just moved here huh”
“Laugh yup, I love it though!”
“I am MR Surfer by the way”
“I am K”
“Nice to meet you… I have a few married couples friends that live right here… they seem to love it… I should get your number and have them call you.”
He had the best smile and the most AMAZING blue/green eyes… man… why is he talking to me? I thought for sure he was going to be an ass… he was too hot to be anything else…
“Sure,” I say. Shocked.
He goes toward his mom… leans in… with his black sweat suit stretched over his thighs… oh my!” He asks her to find a notepad he has sitting there… a notepad that I have had… an artists notepad… and writes my number… says his friends were super cool… chill… live not to far away. I was trying to hold onto my pure awe of him… not sure how well I did to be honest… as I said, “that would be great!”
He smiles and says I will have them give you a call, there names are Sue and Stan… I smiled and said thanks. He was like, I know what its like to move to a new place… not knowing anyone… I laughed and said yea… I moved 10 miles away from most of my friends and I feel like it’s 100… he laughed and said “I can so see that…”

“Nice to meet you!” I was like nice to meet you too!

Oh my god… my heart was racing… it happened… it has been a long time since that has happened… oh my god…so hot!!!

I hope to god he calls… I have decided to not obsess about it and maybe he will… god maybe he will… I may just have to go back to the beach… watch the surfers more often… maybe there are more cute surfer boys… not to old AND def not to young. Not so far yet.

But man, he was nice! I hope he calls… he prolly has a woman… but as I said… maybe there will be someone else just as nice and just as cute… and make my heart race once again.

Home is where the heart

2009-04-06T21:00:00.003-05:00

My 5 resolutions this were:
1. Be happy!
2. Smile everyday
3. Gym 2-4 times a week
4. Keep losing weight
5. Enjoy being single… learn to live life with no regrets.

Hmm am I doing these? I think so actually… I have had a pretty good year so far. I haven’t been dating… so I haven’t been worrying about that… so that is one thing… so that means I answered number 1 + 5. I def smile everyday (2)… even if I have to smoke to prove it. As for as losing weight and gym…. I have been working on it… that I might not hit the gym…. I do do exercise…. And I did join the biggest loser contest at the gym!

I went to a sort of impromptu 9-year reunion last weekend. It was fun… and great to see everyone’s smiling faces. I love remembering how we used to be… how things have changed but also had stayed the same.

I talked about my job… since that is the first thing everyone asks. What do I say? How it’s so great to even have one in these rough times. That it sucks some days so much I want to walk back… and get in my silver jetta… and drive right to Vermont. Leave my attic room goodbye and never look back. Maybe I would be ok with that… maybe that my dream of an amazing job with an amazing family at home is more then working with universal or jet blue… its just about being happy and respected. Maybe going home on time to a family who loves me… maybe that is ok… maybe its ok to say my dreams have changed, but I guess that is the thing isn’t it? How can I do that with no family? Why leave early when I have no one to leave early for? Everyone knows this… everyone knows that I don’t… so my work is my life.

No one asks you how your friends are? I was just thinking about catching up with people… and honestly? What do I say? I’m not going to say oh yea the other day I found out two of my friends are having an affair? Who cares? Or that my cousin makes me want to shake her like you would a crying child. I am not going to say… yea I come home to an attic room… a room that is just mine and my cats. Do you know what cat litter close up smells like… no matter how clean your cat is… you in a nutshell have your cat’s bathroom right in your room… your life is in this one little room.

What else do I have? Friends? Hmm… yea I hung out with my roommate the other day and went to the mall… found Ann Taylor Jeans for 11.95! I mean who cares right?

But my job… now that at least I know something about. I won’t say that I am dismissed everyday… I won’t talk about respect and day-to-day stuff. I’ll just say I am living my dream! Designing for Universal… for Dunkin Donuts… I mean come on! The 22-year-old interns are envious of me… and all I want to do is go home. But hey… they are national clients… no job is perfect! That’s why we call it work!

I said in my college graduation that my dream was to be working with national clients. I never thought about how I would feel once I got there. That I still feel like a nobody… that I just want to go home.

Home is where the heart is after all.

Is that so bad?

2009-02-25T21:51:00.002-05:00

I watched the movie Two Lovers tonight... it was a free one so why not? Made me think...

Summary from IMDB.com
Two Lovers is a romantic drama set in New York City. It tells the story of Leonard (Joaquin Phoenix), an attractive but depressed young man who moves back in with his parents following a recent heartbreak. An aspiring photographer, Leonard works part-time at his father's dry-cleaners. His concerned parents try to set him up with Sandra (Vinessa Shaw), the sweet and caring daughter of a close family friend. A big family dinner serves as their introduction and Leonard arranges to see her again. Then late one night Leonard looks out his bedroom window and notices a ravishing young woman he's never seen before. Michelle (Gwyneth Paltrow) recently moved into an apartment in his family's building - an apartment paid for by the wealthy married man she's seeing.

It made me think about love and marriage, what's real and what isn't? I've know people who have affairs... what does that mean about them? the significant other? the other woman? I mean how can the person(he) cheat? He lives two lives I suppose... and what about the other person? Is the other woman so weak she can't live without him... or is that person just doing what he is... living their own lives... together and happy... who cares that when he goes home he is going to another bed... as long as you don't think about it to much then all is good right? Maybe he tells her he loves her and he will leave his family for her... I then wonder about the wife... what does she know but keeps hidden... afraid of what the truth will tell her... or does she just love him that much? Maybe its enough?

In this movie... the Two Lovers, had a the other woman, the husband, the guy who loves the other woman, and the girl who loves that man.

I could see myself in the the girl who loves that man... she was the girl who is forgotten... who is misplaced... who is the fall back girl. I wonder if she knew he was taken... not married... but taken because he was always somewheres else when he was with her... when his heart gets broken... you are the one he will turn to. Is that ok? He must love you somewhat... enough to live with you the rest of his life. But is that so bad? Isn't a long love that is comfortable and balanced better then passion and fights and tears?

I was upset at the end... thinking how she has no clue that the ring he buys her is really meant for someone else. She thinks his tears are for her rather then the for someone else.

He must care enough about her to marry her... I keep going back to... he likes spending time with her... or how else could he do what he is doing? He must grow to love her, and if so... is that ok?

All of them settled... If I was her... would it be ok that he settled with me... as long as we are happy and loved life...

Not so crazy

2009-02-08T19:12:00.003-05:00

I went out last night with a crazy blind date guy. He forgot until I sent the "I'm late text!" Oh well he was nice to come even though he had been asleep when he got the reminder. We were very different... not in a bad or good way... just different culturally. He isn't my usual... but he wasn't bad either. We exchanged numbers and talked about hanging out again sometime. Not sure what that means... I am not sure either one of us knows... he did walk me to my car at the end of the drinks... was super sweet.

Not much new besides that. I have been trying to meet new people... going out with friends and whatnot... but at times its always the same ol same ol... and no one new comes around... I have decided to just have a nice time and not worry if this is the night I might meet the next cutie.

I am not doing so good at the gym resolution. In other words I need to getta move on! Literally!! My goal is 304 times this week before I hit Atlanta... then I need to just eat OK rather then go hog wild while away!

Keeping busy is my motto for the next few weeks... get me through the winter dep that can hit! Happy and busy = me!

I'm done!

2009-01-26T21:38:00.003-05:00

I have def been trying to go out more... meet new people. It has been fun at times and other times, the drama can be annoying. When you meet people... you know that everyone there is there to meet others as well. As I meet new people, it can be frustrating because I feel like I am back in high school. I guess I feel like I am 30 and been through this before. I am not in the mood to do this all over again 15 years later. I know who I am and what interests me... so why do I feel like this? I guess its the problem I have rather then others. I see people and only expect the best... and not everyone is really doing what they do with best intentions... they are there to have fun... whatever way that may be. As I look around the bars or parties I think about that... and I guess that is what you see in the movies and on TV... people having fun... and if they are bored they figure out a way to have fun... whatever that may entail.

I have had a rough few weeks... work... friends... family. Not much is going right to be honest... and what do I do about it? I could lie in bed with my heated blanket over my head or I could just keep on moving. I went to the mountains this weekend... I sat around with my mom and just had a nice relaxing time. I didn't have to talk to anyone... or see anyone... it was the best place for me to be. I have had time to think... the good and the ugly... which can be good and bad. I came to a lot of conclusions, one is not taking people's BS anymore. I guess its more that the BS is what they do when they want to have fun or the be in power. I let people walk over me...

I have hit a wall though... I can't do it anymore. Has anyone seen the movie "Run, Fat Boy, Run"? Well in the movie they mention hitting a wall when running and your body just stops... you literally feel like you have hit a wall. That is me... I am done being nice to people. Sure, I am not going to be a bitch... more that I am not giving anyone the time of day until they give me the same.

I am amazed that people can do things to hurt other people. If they are being catty and talking about someone behind there back... or if they are lieing to get attention... or maybe they are laughing right in your face and you allow it to happen... over and over again. That is, until my bright red wall that I just hit... with bright white letters that say in all caps STOP!

No more feeling like shit because someone is telling stories about me to anyone who will listen. I am 30 not 13 and want to live my life for what is important... nothing more... nothing less... because who is the most important person in my life? that is right... me... and I am going to live for me and me only...

OK... I am going off on tangents and am not sure what I am trying to say... more that I am standing up straight and am not looking back or down ever again.

30 and loving it!

2009-01-17T23:46:00.003-05:00

I never did hear back from Mr Joe... the guy from last Saturday night... he texted me something mid week which didn't make sense, so I texted a huh? He followed with a "sorry, was deleting old texts and must have clicked send." and that was all folks!

Its fine... I wasn't feeling it either way... but he was divorced and had a son... he talked some about her... the ex... and it was interesting... because truth be told... I was his ex! Obviously not literally... but she was a designer too... and she was liked to move around... after a few years she gets restless. That scared me some... not that there was something wrong with her... it was more that maybe I wasn't right for him... Mr Joe that is. I would have reminded him of his ex and that would not be good... for either of us.

I have been thinking about my crush and just single guys in general. When you meet someone off the Internet... you KNOW its a date. You are both looking for the same thing. But when you meet someone through friends or through work... how do you show that you could be interested without being to obvious? I don't want to be desperate and needy... and I don't want to be talked about behind my back. I know it happens... as it happens with friends... but I am interested but I am not desperate. I feel like if someone wants me they can come and get me. But then I wonder when I do this... will he think I am not interested at all? SO what is that fine line? Because I don't want to overwhelm and look like an ass and at the same time if some single guy is shy I don't show enough interest... he may think I'm just not all that into him!

So... just a thought I've had in general these days... I guess because I am trying to not worry about meeting the perfect guy right now... I just want to have fun with it... I am trying to live up to my resolutions and really just enjoy being me and single. 30 and loving it! I guess as it always has... I worry about people thinking I'm to much of a flirt or just worry about people laughing at me... I hate that I care... but somehow I do!

Fun!

2009-01-11T00:37:00.004-05:00

Yikes, I do have a slight crush! What the heck... I like it and the feelings... but then at the same time I hate it... I hate not knowing and assuming things... either for or against...

I did meet someone new tonight. We have been emailing and talking on the phone for the last 6 weeks or so. We were suppose to meet a few times... but his power went out and then with the Holidays it just never happened. He was cute... and nice... and smart. He is a dad which is fine... he didn't pay though for the pizza. It wasn't that much and he didn't offer to pick up the tab. I am not sure how I feel about that... but he is a fellow Vermonter and even lived in the town over from me for a few college years. So he was nice... will he call?

I am trying to play it cool this year... and enjoy my slight little crush and have fun going on dates... meeting new people... seeing who is out there. People are right... honestly there is not rush... just have fun... my new motto! for tonight anyway!

Drink

2009-01-10T02:15:00.002-05:00

I think I might have had to much to drink... and it was only 2.5! I am such a light weight! I think I might have a slight crush! Yea I think I have more of those then not these days... but... my heart does the pitter patter when I see him or hear about him... I'm dumb and never think he would be all that interested... so instead I smile and think about just having fun... does he know? does he care? I guess who knows!

Since turning 30 I wonder how old people are... hmmm... do I do this since turning 30 or before... yea I think before turning this ripe old age... I wonder how old people are... like my pharmacist... he is HOT!! and he remembers me! This is Target... how can he remember me everytime? Seriously? Hmmm... he sure is a hotty too! I just wonder how old... hmmm...

I am trying really hard to enjoy single life... but I feel old sometimes... tonight I didn't... but usually its the case! Anyway... wanted to give a somewhat of an update... this will have to do if nothing else!

2009 Resolutions

2009-01-04T19:37:00.001-05:00

Its 2009! It has been a rough holiday for me emotionally… I have never been bothered much about the Holidays… but this year… every kiss and smile I saw made me more sad then happy. I am happy because everyone around me is that way… just maybe a little envious and a little jealous. It feels like everyone around me is getting engaged, married, or having baby’s…. which is great! Just makes me wonder what will happen if I never get the chance?

I have been thinking a lot lately about moving back to Vermont… I am home sick… wanting the slower pace of life. But I spent the last 10 days… and I worry that I will move home and wake up at 50 with a 75 year old mom, 3 cats and two dogs. I just worry that I wont do more… I have done the career route… and now I am ready for the motherhood and marriage. I feel like Rachel from Friends when she turned 30 or 35… she had a list of when she would be married and have kids… and I have had that as every girl I know has… but mine changes every year… as I get way past the age of no return!

I am not making any decisions… just think about moving home and how that would be… realistically this time… go with my brain and heart rather then on an angry whim.

So… I am just being me… and my 5 resolutions this year are:
1. Be happy!
2. Smile everyday
3. Gym 2-4 times a week
4. Keep losing weight
5. Enjoy being single… learn to live life with no regrets.

Update

2008-12-15T11:28:00.004-05:00

I am sorry I am going to stop the "comments" section on here for now. I honestly just need my friends around me right now to give me feedback that isn't negative. I do appreciate the comments... and most do help me... but at the same time some of them can be taken as negative when you tell someone they are a miserable person or even as simply as someone being negative. I have been working on being more positive and am trying to get my life where I am happy being me. I need positivity to be positive in my life right now. Sorry for anyone this may upset.

Snap out of it!

2008-12-14T22:34:00.002-05:00

I am not sure what this week meant overall... I took it to mean calm down... slow down... take a deep breath and realize what's important. I know I have been a little over whelmed... what with a freelance job most nights... and the holidays here in full swing... I am just not sure how I lost my phone and wallet like that. It sucks and I am trying to stay positive and not let it pull me down... but damn it... everytime I use the my new phone I get sad... and want my old one... I got lost today TWICE... because for the last 6 months I have used the GPS to help me... now I'm back to writing it the old fashion way. As I said... I am trying not to call my self every name in the book and just move up and on... I can't do anything about it now... just move on and try to NEVER do it again... and to learn to calm down enough to remember...

I am slightly taken aback by the Friday night guy... since tonight he never said it wasn't him... just "Don't you remember me... we did fool around." and I said... "Yep... and I swear it was you." He just did the "LOL" Maybe I am wrong... but I feel like it was him... and he is denying it... is it me that he is embarrassed of or is he embarrassed that he was the one who didn't know me... or was it not him at all?

Friday with no date...

2008-12-14T00:14:00.002-05:00

BUT... I went out on a pub crawl instead... it was super fun!... well... it was until I saw someone I knew super briefly... after a drunken date... as he walked in he looked right at me... no one but me... we had that brief "oh shit" moment... and he then walked in... I wasn't sure who he was just that he looked familiar... and yea kind of hot... and then as the night wore on and we kept glancing at each other... I kind of remembered the drunken night... more alcohol was consumed then should be allowed... he never did see a home run... just saw second... I am embarrassed and didn't know what to write so I never mentioned him when it all went down. We met online... so he will still IM me from time... wanting to hang out... not date... sex! SO I said no... date first...

As the night progressed to him coming up to me multiple times asking if I knew Matt something or other... I laughed and said nope... to the point where after following me to the bathroom and staring at me the whole time he rubbed up against me to go by... we ended the night by him coming up to me and asking me if I was positive I didn't know Matt... nope... no idea who Matt was... but I didn't want to say that Remember me the girl who was soooo forgettable!

So I said nothing... until I saw him online tonight... confronting him... he said he was not at cherry tree and then said you were? I said yep... and you lie... he then disappeared... nothing...

Yup... That wasn't my whole night out... two many beers and hits... and I found myself at IHOP... I don't think I mentioned I lost my wallet earlier this week along with a freelance 100 dollar bill... well I am figuring it dropped out of the coat... so I didn't get to over whelmed... just canceled and kept on going... and then last night happens... and here I am sitting at IHOP... half asleep mind you... and proceed to somehow leave my baby... my IPhone... yup... gone... so... to end a decent night with some drama added in... and me spending a night watching the sun come up... it was a night to remember!

I'll call you!

2008-12-07T19:25:00.004-05:00

What a day... I woke up this morning smiling and feeling thinner by the day... yea did I tell you? I have been looooooosssssiiiinnnnngggggg weight.... jup.... 45 pounds... only have to loose 55 more pounds... hmmm maybe I will looooose 75 more... or maybe 100 will loose to me... hmmm did I say loose or lose? Anyway... off on a tangent... they're how did that feel huh... oh wait? was there spelled correctly? Hmmm maybe!

Today started out good... but it was one thing after another of things going wrong. Honestly the morning went fine... even though what I had planned didn't really pan out...

I had a meeting with a new job that I got... which ran later then I anticipated causing me to be late going to meet up with friends. After running there, no one was there... I wasn't sure if I was at the wrong place or maybe the wrong time... but I left...

I had plans for that night with a guy who had responded to my ad with CONSTANT texts all yesterday and today with 2 phone calls added on. He convinced me to meet him tonight... although there were a few hints to maybe he wanted just sex... but maybe I was reading to into it so I gave him the benefit of the doubt...

We met at the bar near my place... he came in... saw me and pretty much ran the other way! OK... well not exactly that way... but pretty near close! We sat there... awkwardly... he was pretty hot... a lot hotter then the pic... but he was kind of dumb... at first I thought he was shy... nervous? He kept giving this nervous laugh... but I realized when he kept glancing at the TV then his watch, that maybe he wasn't nervous... more that he was uncomfortable... until he answered his phone... and then I realized he was trying to find an easy way out! I felt like saying wow... am I really really that bad? huh... so he then proceeds to tell me that he needs to run... his ex called and said that his son had fallen and was going to the hospital... sorry... "you have to work right? so it works in both our favors!" I gave a half laugh... "sure..." I should have said whatever you need to do to take yourself off the guilty book..." but whatever! He then says..." Well Ill call you sometime!" ha... isn't that the same thing the last guy said to me? noooo... he said maybe I will run into you some time..."

He then proceeds... to throw down enough money for his beer... and ran out... the beer had been more then the 3 bucks he had gave me... so I had to cover the rest. Its weird... cause isn't this the second guy who I had made run away from me... what the hell is it?

response!

2008-12-07T00:44:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm considered a nice looking,well built guy who has always treated women special by giving them the most relaxing,stress relieving foot pampering experience of thier lives.This is just something that comes naturally to me.Do you think you would enjoy having your sore,tired feet lovingly worshipped after a long,hard day?I'm not looking for sex either just a little innocent foot fun to start with.Let me know what you think?I promise if you give me a chance you'll be so glad you did.

What do I say?

2008-12-04T23:37:00.004-05:00

I am not sure what to write about... I haven't gone on any more dates... and I went out twice this week, which was a nice switch to my last few months. It wasn't so bad... I feel like the last few months I have been anti-social... I just haven't been up to going out... is it my job or my social life?

I also realized something by going... not just that I am realizing maybe I am boy crazy again... but that I can go out and not spend any money. I could go and get nothing like last night... and I was starving too! But I resisted... I'm sooo poor!! And it’s the weight watchers... I don't want to JUST loose 45 pounds... I want to say I lost 100 pounds! So when it became two reasons not to drink... I decided I felt weird going out and not drinking... but I realized it’s not so bad... and I kill two birds with one stone!

I haven't been dating much... I will be honest and say the last time the guy once again had me convinced he could have been into me… I didn’t think it was a definite NO. He wasn’t a look anywhere but AT ME guy... BUT obviously something happened... but what? Something I said? Did? Looked? RIPPED PANTS? I noticed later on that I had a slight rip... ha... how embarrassing!!

So instead of dating I have been yoga-ing and trying to stay healthy and loose my final 55 pounds! But I have to say, after going out the last two nights and then that night a few weeks ago... Yea, have gone a little boy crazy. It’s interesting how when you finally do open up your eyes how many guys could be a maybe. I'm not saying yes for sure... but I wonder... that's all :)

I did do another ad on CL. dumb but damn fun! Ha... I love the responses... interesting if nothing else... I might start going to more meetup events (now that I know I don’t have to spend much money)... meet more people... who knows what will happen! I have a hard time though... and need to work on it. I am fine with dates because you know that's what it is! You meet online... chat... email... text...call... then meet! You know this person by now... and when you out and about... what do you talk about? Seriously? On an online date you ask the normal stuff... where are you from? Family? Friends? But when you are not sure if he is even someone who is single or not… interested or not… friend or not… so you cant just be like... "Hi, Joe... so how many brothers and sisters do you have?" or how about? " Hey Sam... what do you do for fun?" It just sounds so lame... so help me... what do I say?

Back in again

2008-11-23T02:15:00.003-05:00

I went on a crazy blind date last night... I haven't been on one of those in a long time... and for the first time in awhile they hit a double. He was cute... maybe a little young... more in the still have major dreams stage of his 20's rather then the immature young. We talked... laughed... ate and had a beer. We had a lot of similar things around us... similarities I wasn't sure on... but more about the similarities of daily life things. He works within throwing distance from my place... stepped on the same treadmills as I... worked near another place I worked as well... went to school and graduated around the same time as a good friend from Iowa...

I thought it was going well... he paid... we walked out... and as I neared my car... he turned and hugged me and said, "maybe I'll catch you at Second St." I laughed and said sure... hmmm... Ill be honest and say that didn't sound so great... that didn't sound like hey lets get together again sometime... so I waited until just now to send the only email I am allowed until and only if he emails back. Then we can chat... but not until then can we... he was nice enough... but for once I am not going to take it personally that he doesn't call back... I had a great time and I am taking it for what it is... maybe I am at the beginning of a new me!

I did go out tonight as well... and there are times when I hang out and I wonder... I am not saying with everyone... but usually one guy of the group would make me wonder... tonight I did and I wondered even for just a little bit... was he wondering too?

Shy and sweet and curious about being submissive?

2008-11-17T10:24:00.000-05:00

Above all else he cherishes his submissive, in the knowledge that the gift she gives him is the greatest of all. He can be demanding at times and may take full advantage of the power given to him, but knows how to share the pleasure and show the respect that comes from that precious gift.

He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, he can cause his sub to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without ever stepping out of character. His goal is never to hurt but to be able to control their emotional situations.

In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind, to be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two caring individuals. He is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality. He would never ask a submissive to put him before her career, or family, just to satisfy his own pleasure. He is kind and wise.

To win his sub missive’s mind, body and soul, he knows he must first win her trust and heart. He will show his submissive humor, kindness, and warmth. He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction.

He is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, he will fight for his ladies' honor. He proves to her that he is someone she can lean on, and depend on. He makes her feel safe.

He is old-fashioned enough to be a bit of a chauvinist, yet modern enough to respect his woman. Quick to point out the differences between them, he also knows there is no inferiority in those differences.

When it comes time to teach his submissive her lessons of obedience, he is a strong and unyielding professor. He will accept no flaw, nothing less than perfection from his student. Never does he use discipline without good reason. When he does, it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand. And discipline is always followed by forgiveness and love. And then we move on.

He is a careful guide, with safety always his main concern. He knows how to use pain to extend the bounds of pleasure. He is a mentor who can bring her to the edges of her envelope, and gently show her the inner courage to reach new heights.

He is always open to communication and discussion, always ready to hear her wants and needs. He is patient, taking the time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust of him grows, so will they.

He never has to demand ritual behavior by her. She responds to him out the want of pleasing him. Compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment. He understands the fragile nature of mind and body, and never violates the trust given to him.

He is secure enough to laugh at himself and the absurdities of life. Courageous enough to accept assistance. Open minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. His tools are mind, body, spirit and soul with a little help from rope, paddle and blindfold. He understands that each partner gains most from pleasuring the other. And both of them know that love is the only binding that truly holds.

Do you want the training of a caring Loving Dominant Man?
Remember the only way I can lead is if his sub follows willingly.
We both have to give to each other completely to create the proper environment.
If this interests you let me know.
Possibly "your" new Loving Dominant

What can I say? another ad:

2008-11-17T10:23:00.000-05:00

I am bored with my life... what can I say? I am 30... and am in the midst of couples everywhere I look... causing me to be the third wheel.

I have been spending a lot of time at the gym... at work... and just would like to have some fun too! I am in the midst of loosing weight... am a size 14... so if you want a tall thin thing... hmmm well sorry folks... cause that is just not me and will never be since I am only 5'3"!

I spend a lot of my free time going out with couples and seeing the rings and hearing about the babies... and I think... hmmm I don't even care about marriage at this point... just someone I can invite to my holiday party... someone who gives me a wink from across the room... maybe just maybe I could find someone to smile at me and make plans for the up and coming new year!

Last Sunday

2008-11-06T22:29:00.002-05:00

I met a new Match guy last Sunday... he was nice... much better looking from his pics then in real life. But maybe that was because he seemed super nervous. I always talk way to much when someone is nervous around me...

He was nice thought and bought me my coffee and seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say. We went for lunch after coffee at another place next door. After spending a few hours... we went our separate ways. I am not sure what will happen next... he did email the next day saying he had a nice time and this that and the other. We said we would hang out again some night... not sure when... but I'll keep you updated.

and the response is...

2008-10-15T20:19:00.001-05:00

well I have heard thatmen come from mars ..we are physical so I think you are beautiful, therfore I'm sold on you ...although I would love to keep my chops up singing songs to you and getting kissses in between..I work as a bill collectore but I should be in politics and /or emtertainment...although if I had a sweet lil' hunnie like you I may be able to pass up the fame and fortune....so call me or give me your # so I can caqll you...what d'ya think?

Ok

2008-10-15T09:05:00.001-05:00

So this morning I awake with a new email from the same guy as below... same email... so I emailed back... haha... something new to write about right?

I am not sure what to write here... umm... what would you like to know about me? what interests you and what do you do?

Match: "Can you blame me for wanting you?you're wicked cute"

2008-10-14T21:39:00.002-05:00

this is from one guy... I didn't respond because... wow!

Hi KT
how are you?! I wanted to say hello and tell you how devastatingly heartachingly beautiful you are, and very interesting as well.....as long as you are still available for dating and maybe even marriage, feel free to call my cell 617 555 1234 so as to help me expedite the process of courting you..
we could chat over the phone and maybe meet to see if there is a mutual attraction, physically and otherwise, and if there is, we can then proceed accordingly, like maybe I can try to get a kiss after singing you a song and tugging at your heartstrings...sound like a plan?
..I don't have all the answers..I have a few suggestions, ;)..
..and lastly, can a guy look at that pretty face and not fall in love?

your humble suitor,
xxx

What can I say?

2008-10-14T20:19:00.001-05:00

I want to do things I’ve never done before... which is a lot... after concentrating on my career for the last 10 years, I thought it was time to concentrate on other parts of my life that I have let fall through the cracks. I woke up the other day and realized all my friends are couples and I just turned 30! Yokes want to do things I haven't done!

I would love for someone who can make me laugh everyday no matter what. I want someone to do things with and to have fun with. I want a person who will do the things I want to do and try.

I joined Match a few weeks ago. I haven’t really had much luck as of yet… but did get a nice email from a guy tonight… responding to one of my dozens of winks I have put out there. I have been busy… I made the mistake of drunk texting "You Alive?" to Mr. Friday last weekend. He called seconds later… and with my state I missed it.

"Hey Katie, I just got your text, but am traveling so I decided to call instead. I am alive… just busy with the economy nightmare (he is in finance). I will call you later on this weekend and maybe we can plan something to hang out”

Ok… so on Tuesday he calls again. I never called back… I kind of forgot about him to be honest as I was healing from Friday’s wounds… so yea, on Tuesday he calls and says

“Hi, I was going to call this weekend, but got super busy and I slept all day Sunday due to my the last few weeks of stress”

Blah blah blah. I didn’t call back… what would I say? I think he might gross me out… except when I am drunk… which is weird! Then I get a text Sunday morning at 7:30 AM!

“Wake and Bake”

Ok, I didn’t respond once again… I am not sure what to say, and I think it’s for the best if I don’t say anything at all!

I wouldnt want to be her!

2008-09-21T14:41:00.002-05:00

YUCK!!!
A response the my ad!

She stood silently..motionlessly. Facing a wooden wall cross, she lowered her eyes and opened her heart. She waited. A smell rose to her nostrils, an essence - familiar yet new - her heart jumped in her chest.. and her mind raced. A smell.. a Man.

He approached her with the grace and stealth of a panther.. Dark.. mysterious.. ominously calculating. In spite of her efforts, her breath quickened. She tried desperately to keep control of her body. It was no longer hers.

He did not touch her skin, but instead pushed the hair away from the nape of her neck with one steady finger.. She felt naked. She shuddered, cursing herself for allowing that natural reaction to happen. It betrayed her calm exterior.. and yet, as it revealed her - it released her.. freed her to explore. She smiled.

His breath caressed her neck, never touching her now warm flesh. She wanted desperately to turn.. to face him.. to look away from the base of the cross, where her gaze had been directed.. moments before. She remained still. And she waited.

It felt like an eternity before he touched her skin.. she was so eager to feel his touch against her that she strained the muscles in her back to meet his hands behind her. He pulled away.. retaining the control and revelling in it. She sighed heavily, letting go of some of the pent up energy and the last bit of control. Her shoulders did not fall, but inside she knew she would have to learn patience to gain pleasure and peace.

He kissed her bare neck..scorching it with his lips. Instinctively, she stood perfectly still.. showing him her desire to obey. He was pleased with her position and rewarded her with a touch.. a gentle, firm touch on both shoulders.. pulling her body back and toward his chest.. Her back lay against him.. and he reached around and caressed her breasts.. cupping them.. feeling their weight and examining their softness. She kept her hands still at her sides, eyes lowered and half closed.. and watched as his hands explored her. He pinched. He probed, turning each tit up and dropping it .. then picking it up once more by the pink nipple and let it hang there.. She loved this.

Her sex was moist.. sticky between her parted legs... She felt her arousal growing and deepening.. and as she climbed, she became even more aware of her body.. her feet, her legs, the small of her back, her ribs, her shoulder blades.. every part of her was awake.

He held her nipples.. drawing them up and away from her body and she moaned loudly. He twisted them. He squeezed them. She came. She grabbed his thighs from behind her and bend down from the waist.. trying desperately to remain standing..

Would you enjoy being her? :)

ON CL again!

2008-09-21T14:39:00.002-05:00

I can not believe I am writing an ad on here... but what the heck why not try? I'll be honest and say I've had an ad or two and have been on a few dates through CL... but most are nuts... but every once in awhile you find someone real and normal.... maybe thats you?

Well, I am 30... just turned it!! Yikes! I want to start hiking and would love to find someone patient enough to show me the ropes or better yet, learn with me. I love laughing and having a good time... I love going out or staying in... I am not super thin and not super huge... so besides that... write me and I'll write more after :)

Hope to hear from you :)

I decided on friday night in a moment of weakness... after dinner with friends... couples all around me... majority met online... so why not post an ad on CL again.

Maybe I will...

2008-09-19T21:40:00.002-05:00

I saw Mr. Friday last Saturday night… he was supposed to come over after dinner with his folks at the cape. He said he couldn’t do anything earlier because of mom and dad… I was fine with that since I was packing and didn’t want to have to stop early.

I got a call at about 8:00… about the time he said he would be here to begin with… saying he was running late… he was cooking chicken broth you see and it had another hour to cook before he could come over. I was to tired to ague… but did wonder what the heck? Wasn’t his excuse that he had to have dinner with his parents hence why he couldn’t come over earlier? And now he is back at home and cooking? Hmm ok? I didn’t feel like arguing… he finally got there around 10:30… and did call and say that he was on his way… I asked him to stop and pick something up for food… him saying we could go out somewhere… me saying no I’m way to tired now… and Ill be honest annoyed.

He came over… we watched SNL and he left. He texted on wed asking about my new place… I moved you see… him never offering to help… and me not feeling like asking… maybe because I already knew the answer.

I haven’t heard from him since… and if I do… will I will be bored again and decide hang out once more… or will I say, I don’t want to do this anymore? I guess we will see, I might join Match or Yahoo… not sure as of yet… but I might…

I am bored... why not?

2008-09-11T21:25:00.000-05:00

Mr. Friday and I talked last week… he actually called the following night… we talked… him saying he freaked after reading my text… that we are not girlfriend and boyfriend. That he thought we were dating… he still wants to meet other people and likes not being super serious. I said I was fine with that… but at the same time I am not going to be sleeping with three guys at once… and I don’t expect one guy to leave me to some other girls the next night. Sex complicates things… I am fine dating… but as I said, sex complicates things! Him agreeing, but saying that he feels like that is a part of falling for someone that is a part of knowing someone… I am not sure what we agreed on in the end… but the discussion is out there… and my feelings are known!

We also talked about that I want to know that he wants to see ME and hang out with me… He said he did… that he wanted to see me… he just isn’t good on the weeknights… he works long and tiring hours and just doesn’t like to be social and hang out after work. I said that was fine… but how am I suppose to know that? I said… this is why we are discussing this… cause I don’t know these things and I cant read your mind. Now that I know, we wont make plans during the week. So he then asks, Friday night? I had plans… Saturday he asks? Nope… in Vermont! Ok, well then another time. Me saying, yea, another time… I thought for sure I wouldn’t hear from him again. But Tuesday arrived and I got a text, “How was Vermont?” I texted back a few hours later, he texted asking if I had plans this weekend?

So I called him back verses texting… deciding Saturday night works the best… he is going to come over and hang out… I am moving Sunday… so I am going to be packing… and I am not going to feel like going out…

Who know what all this means… I kind of don’t care and am going to need a break… and have no car… so why not have Mr. F come over. I’m bored, so why not? I am definitely not feeling what I felt when I was see Mr. Anchorman or Mr. Bebe… I guess I am just comfortable at times with him… I just don’t think I like like him… I am not even sure how attracted I am… as I said I’m bored… so why not? Why not for now… as long as he isn’t thinking I am thinking serious… so why not go as is for Saturday and not worry about the following until I need to.

I think I am done

2008-09-02T21:08:00.003-05:00

I think I am done with Mr Friday... I decided today to ask him if he wanted to hang out this week... we had texted off and on all week/weekend... him texting on Saturday during my birthday party saying, "Have fun tonight, I am sorry I am not able to be there." which was sweet... so I decided to yes contact him again... and ask him about doing something... he said, "tomorrow or Thursday night, I'm exhausted though from this weekend."

I got annoyed some by that... I can hear him being tired... but what the heck... why not just say wed or Thursday is good?
So, I text "we can do something low key, come over and watch TV or a movie, tomorrow works better then Thursday, call me later."
Him texting: "That's cool, I'm gonna go home and crash tonight."
At this point I was upset about a missing cat and just annoyed by my day so, I decided to write:
"So yes tomorrow night? I just want to see whats going on. I understand being tired, but I guess I want you to want to see me... I don't want to make you see me, does that make sense? I guess I'm having a hard time knowing how you are feeling about this..."

Then texted, "OK, so I just reread what I wrote, and I wanted you to know I am not upset just confused."

Him texting hours later mind you, "I'm sorry but I just got home from a very long day and I'm not ready to deal with this kind of conversation tonight."

I texted:"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it to come off as something deep, Just wanted to get it off my chest. Call me when you want to chat."

SO, my thoughts right now is that I'm tired of this... of him. This is suppose to be fun... and it was for a bit... but I feel like its to much work lately to just hang out. I don't have anymore time then he does... but I was willing to make time... when I'm not that sure about him. BUT, I don't want to force someone... I don't want to feel guilty either. I think he says things to make me feel bad... or is it me feeling bad and he has no idea? I am not sure... but I am tired of this... so I am thinking its over. I am not sure what will happen if by chance he does contact me again... but I kind of feel like that might not happen. And I think I am OK with that.

Mr Martini round 2?

2008-08-30T13:24:00.003-05:00

Haha... I was looking around online to see about online dating again... maybe pay for a service again... what could it hurt?

So I was looking through Yahoo Personals and saw someone that looked familiar... and had an uncommon name... same as Mr Martini... yea... Mr Martini didn't make it past date 1... and it was a long time ago... but I saw someone so I thought... hmmm is it him? He kind of is cuter in the pick then the ass I met... so I winked at him... hahah... he sent me an email:

"We went to dinner once! and almost had sex!"

Well we did come close but thank god I didn't have sex with him and stood my ground..."

But I was tempted to email back... but I think I'm gonna leave it alone... he was kind of an ass I think... but what if he wasn't? haha

Mrs Black

2008-08-27T21:02:00.001-05:00

Your result for The Harry Potter Husband Test...

Mrs. Black

You want a relationship filled with fun times, with a guy who you know will always back you up. Sure, he's a bit of a jerk with anyone who he doesn't approve of, but as long as he likes you, he'll be a lot of fun. Your days will be filled with laughter and merriment, though if you ever have kids, you'd better be prepared to lay some rules down or else they'll end up with a bunch of reckless rulebreakers running around, transforming into animals at every turn.

(Fanart by kellywormtongue http://kellywormtongue.deviantart.com/ Used with permission.)

Take The Harry Potter Husband Test at HelloQuizzy

I am 30!!

2008-08-25T21:34:00.001-05:00

I turned 30 today! I had a great day… was excited about my plans with Mr. Friday… He did meet the friends on Friday… and it went good… I could tell he was showing off… and it was ok for the most part… just sometimes I wonder that’s all. Like when the guy that was suppose to start playing the piano at 8 wasn’t playing at 8:05… Mr. F kind of made a comment here and there… and all I could think of was… “Please don’t say anything to embarrass me!” He didn’t thank god!

It was a nice night… he chatted with some friends here and there… I am just not sure right now! It is so hard to explain… For one thing… I am just not sure what we have in common. We sit a lot of the time and I never know what to talk about. He LOVES politics… and yea I should know more about what is going on with it… and have been aware that I need to tune in. BUT, he is so far advanced in that area… and I don’t mind talking about it some… but I don’t get that passionate about it… I am not sure I ever will.

And then there is what happens in our day to day lives… so naturally we talk about that… his parents and mine… the weekend and week… what happened and what is planned… but what about other things? We saw music the first time we hung out… but haven’t since… we both like movies sure… but we can only talk about movies and TV so much. I am just not sure what else to talk about??

This has been on my mind all weekend… then today arrives… and I got a text from him at 9 saying “Happy Birthday!” Which was super sweet…

Tonight arrived… and the plan was to go to dinner and then back to my place to watch a movie or whatever… we arrive at the restaurant/pub. This is one of my favorite places… I have some great memories here… so it was a great place to spend my 30th birthday.

He kind of was in an odd mood from the start… wasn’t an attitude really… just short here and there… I had a coupon for a free meal on my bday… thinking, why not use it. He said when he realized it, “Well since this was my birthday gift to you… I get to buy just my own dinner…” We laughed about it… but… it was cute… but at the same time felt out of place I guess. Then we sat down and I scratched my ankle (I have BAD BAD poison ivy ALL over my legs) and he says ok scratchy…. Hahah… so we laughed and he says under his breath or quietly… not sure which…. “How romantic…” hmmm ok?

We ordered an appetizer and two meals… as we were waiting… we just kind of sat there… we didn’t know what else to talk about… so we tried to fill in the gaps here and there… and he was getting frustrated cause he was starving… and then the waitress brings over gravy for the fries… when we still hadn’t the appetizer yet. He looked at me and then tapped the lady on the shoulder and said, “Hey, why did this come out now? I would have rather gotten a fresh one when my fry’s come out… and our appetizer hasn’t even arrived yet…” She was shaken up… kept saying sorry! So… I was kind of uncomforgatable at this point. I never say much to the wait staff… unless they are bitch and nasty. But it’s not there fault!

So, we continue to wait… while the tables around us are all getting there main course… and we still needed our apps. She came by… the waitress and said that it would be up shortly… he smiled and said, “yea I am feeling a little neglected that’s all.” Hmmm ok? What about me? It’s MY Birthday!

I have been feeling off all day and I thought it was cause of my birth control pills… and when I say off, I mean super nauseous and just not hungry much at all… but it kind of came and went all day… so the apps arrived and I ate some of it… not tons just a few bites. Mr. Friday seemed to have calmed down… I mentioned at one point that it wasn’t the waitress’s fault… maybe something happened with the cook or whatever… he was like “true.” I ate and then the meals come. Our plan was to split the turkey and steak tips… I got one and he the other. He starts to split them and I take a fry. I all of sudden felt super full… I decided to take a breather and go to the ladies room. I was feeling worse by this point… and even thought about throwing up… but I thought I was ok.

I sat down and smiled at Mr. F…. asking how the food was? I drank some water and kept getting nauseous… at this point I had gotten all clammy and pale… and Mr. F could tell something wasn’t right… I said, “I am not feeling so good… I don’t think I can eat anymore right now.” I then decided maybe I needed to go to the bathroom… where I had to wait for the other person to finish. I opened the door to the outside… I was shaking and super pale. I got into the bathroom just in time to throw up all my apps…

After a little bit longer in the bathroom… I come out and he had pretty much finished his meal. He obviously knew I wasn’t feeling great… I said I was sorry… and I hope his food was ok. The waitress stopped by… asking if I would like to wrap up my non-eaten plate of food. I said sure and he said, “She isn’t feeling so good.” We get the check… and he says to the waitress… I feel like we should get some kind of deal for the apps since we waited so long… she ended up giving us 10% off plus I had the coupon for my free meal. I did take notice to what he gave her for a tip… and it was about 15%… more if you used the check he got… with the discounts taken off.

We walk outside and he says, “well since your not feeling good... we can postpone the movie… I also don’t want to get sick for this weekend…” I was like “ok, night… thanks” He kissed me on the forehead and said “goodnight… feel better”

It was an odd night… I am not sure what made me sick… and I am just not sure about this… about Mr. Friday. The whole being rude to the waitress… and on my birthday no less got to me…. It sure wasn’t a turn on! I guess I am also wondering what we have in common? I am not sure right now. I am not going to end it yet… I am not at that point. If this is the end though, I am not going to be surprised and maybe not that upset. I mean I def am liking the thought of having someone I know I will see… someone who pays attention to me. BUT… I am not sure if it’s HIM that I like or the idea of him.

As I said, I am def not going to say goodbye… unless he does it first… but I do see some red signs here… which I am going to have a good look at. Maybe he was in a bad mood… or maybe I wasn’t feeling good and was more sensitive then I realized. The next time I see him could be amazing… I am just not sure right now.

I am leaving the ball in his court for now. The last few weeks have been a mutual decision to hang out… but me getting the ball rolling. I think I am going to take a step back and wait. If he wants me… he knows where to find me. In some ways he owes me for tonight… he needs to want me… I have made the last few moves and now it’s his turn… or maybe this is the end… and we go our separate ways? As I say most of the time these days… we will see!

A hard question to ask...

2008-08-20T22:02:00.001-05:00

This week has been another roller coaster ride... why? Cause I think I make drama... well not exactly I suppose... but more I am never sure of someone I am dating. So I go from "oh my god, he actually likes me" to "are you kidding? Why would he?" to " Ok, he likes me today... but for how long?" Yep... I know I am nuts... but it is RUNNING through my head! Ha

On Monday I texted him, asking if he would have dinner with me on my birthday, which was the following Monday. He didn’t respond for over an hour... and I'' get into this in a sec, but... I was kind of freaking... wondering what he would think about this... for one its my birthday... meaning it is a special occasion... but he finally texted back... saying "Of course! Do you know where you want to go!”?

FEW!! I was calm again... until the following day... sexual things have started to develop... and after the response to this question... "Have you been tested?" He responded with a laugh, “No. Every girl I have been with is clean." I finally sent an email:

"I wanted to bring this up before it’s to late and I feel like we shouldn't have this conversation in public or in the heat of the moment... I would prefer it if both of us were tested before we do go this route. I know I mentioned it the other night... and you said you thought you were safe... and you prolly are.... just I would be more comfortable knowing for sure... do you understand?"

He did email back soon after saying that was fine... just not sure what he needed to do... since he hadn’t been to a dr since college. Yikes! I responded saying I could go with him or here are some options where they do testing!

I never heard back... so today I was doing my normal worrying... and was tempted to call on my way to dinner... but I held off... decided to wait...

He called me! I didn’t answer, cause I was at dinner with friends... but he did leave a message... and I did text back hoping he might still be awake. He wasn't :(

It is so interesting… the way dating is today. A few years ago… when a guy wanted to talk to you, he called you on the phone. Then came along email… which can be faster or longer… depending on the situation. Then there is texting and IMing… where it is once again instant… and someone can respond immediately… but when they don’t… you wonder why? BUT in reality someone is probably busy… and most likely will get to it when they can.

SO… I am just venting… cause that is how I am… and I hopefully will see Mr. Friday on Friday!

What do I want?

2008-08-17T13:53:00.001-05:00

I saw Mr. F Friday night; we had reservations to a nice restaurant… and went to the pub first to have a beer. It was nice all the way around… I will be honest and say I did get butterflies… by seeing him? or maybe more about the idea of him or? was it for him? That is a problem now isn’t it?

After a few hours at this beautiful place, both paying Dutch… “I would pay for you, but since you offered and it did come to 75 bucks, I’ll let you pay yours tonight…” I cant say I was upset, it WAS expensive… and I do believe if the bill had been half the price… he would have paid the whole enchilada…

After dinner it was pouring rain… and it sucked cause he thought maybe we could walk to Harvard… walk around… site-see and whatnot! BUT, we were both tired from our long weeks and decided to go back to my place and watch a movie…

I think I like him… I definitely smile at the thought of him… and am starting to want to see him more then just the normal once a week… but… it doesn’t seem to work out that way. I did text last Wednesday on a whim to see if he “wanted to grab a burrito after work…” he said “he wasn’t sure when he would be out” and then texted again later that night telling me “he was going to be there (work) awhile…” L … then this morning…. I texted asking him if he “wanted to do something fun” Him texting… “Can’t, super busy today…”

I think I am going to say the same thing as last week… I need to relax about it! I know I say I want something slow…but it’s hard when you like someone and want to see that person. So I technically know that slow means once a week…

Sooo… me being me… I wonder… where are we going! Maybe he really and truely wants to go slow… hence why we see each other only once a week or so… or … does that mean he is just going along with the flow… and likes me well enough to see me once a week… but lets face it… I am not that into her to let her be my official girlfriend! I know I am over thinking this… and I am going to stop and say… maybe he does want to see me… but is really and truly busy…

Next weekend I invited him to a friend’s birthday party… I am nervous… for him to meet my friends… for my friends to meet him… for the interactions all the way around! But, the time has come… it will be 6 weeks on Friday… And then I wonder… what do I call him? My boyfriend? Obviously we have been talking about things to do in the future… maybe not long term… but upcoming week plans… enough where we know things aren’t ending just yet! And we have in one way or another said we weren’t with anyone else… so what does that mean? Dating and friends still? Boyfriend? Lover…. hah? Hmmm…. My gut says friend… but… I don’t want him to think that’s all I think we are… ha-haa… me and my overactive mind!

Another thing came to light over dinner on Friday… he said he doesn’t want to have kids. Now… I am honestly not sure how I feel… I know as I said before… I am trying to NOT think about the future here… and just go in the moment… but doesn’t that kind of thing come into affect. Its not like I am 21 and I have all the time in the world to experiment and date someone for 5-10 years before I decide it really isn’t working, and I move on to someone new for marriage and kids. I have thought about having kids… and I always thought it would be in my future. In the last year or so… it has come into my mind about wanting kids or not. I have my friend’s kids’… niece and nephews and cousins…. Is it so bad if I am just the best aunt in the world! Rather then the best mom? I see my cousin and his wife… and how happy they are with their dogs and one cat. I see how fulfilled they are living day-to-day lives, without having to worry about daycare and soccer practices. They are both turning 40 and have decided that maybe they don’t want kids… and are ok with that. Am I ok to be the same way? I think at times I might be… but then I get the slight twinge when someone calls with the good news… I wonder what it feels like to have the flutter of a kicking foot in your tummy. I wonder what its like to see your baby for the first time. I do! I want it in some ways… but then other times I don’t… so I do wonder how he feels about it all! Is he maybe thinking “the same ways”… and if we did get involved long term… would he at least talk about it and consider it… or what if he is so against it… that we do get involved and I miss out on something amazing and beautiful… or maybe we do get involved and we are happy being the best Aunt and Uncle Fridays as possible! Spoiling them and then sending them on their way when the fussing begins.

Anyway… I know I shouldn’t be at this stage yet… but its there and something to consider in the long run… no matter what… if they are at the front of my thoughts or in my subconscious… what do I want really? When it all comes down to it! What do I want?

Confidence!

2008-08-10T18:59:00.002-05:00

I went to the cape this weekend...it was fun...and Mr. Friday texted on Friday to make sure I got my car ok...we texted off and on through the day...me even inviting him to the cape (where he grew up…not to stay with me!)...but he still wasn't feeling 100%... saying he would...but didn’t want to drive more then 10 miles.

We didn’t talk again until today...I texted asking how he was feeling...and instead of texting he called. It was pouring out and I was returning from Target...he was home relaxing...hanging out until cards tonight with friends.

I didn’t have any plans... and I'll admit... I wanted to see him... so I said sure... I can come over for a bit. We hung out... cuddled... listened to the rain... it was nice... still no talk about when I will see him again... since no plans have been made. I am working hard on not asking him about that... I don’t want to be to pushy so I haven’t asked when we will see each other... but damn I so wanted to ask!

I have such a hard time not having a plan in my life. Which is funny because I also like the randomness of things…or the shift of a schedule…it livens things up. For example, I LOVE going a different way home every day…or having different plans for every night of the week…or on a Sunday morning just deciding to go for a ride to somewhere new…no where planned. I also love going on vacation and winging it…no plan…no time table…but then why do I want so badly to know when Ill see him again. I guess maybe I am not confident enough…in him…in me…even though the other part of my brain is yelling…why would he be calling you if he didn’t like you! Soooo… I am working on it!!! Confidence!

Sick!

2008-08-07T12:00:00.001-05:00

It was 6:30… and I had another date with Mr. Friday… it had been almost a week… and we had plans for dinner. I was excited actually…even put makeup on for the occasion.

As I was coming up to where my car was suppose to be…I realized it was missing… ”what the hell?” I started to freak…was it stolen? Towed? But why would it have been towed?

As I was looking around… I noticed another car being towed at the other end of the street. I walked to the copper sitting there watching… and asked him where my car was…and why had it been towed? I didn’t have it registered! It was the 6th! And it was towed from being 6 days late?

I called Mr. Friday and told him I couldn’t meet him after all… I was kind of freaking out to be honest… and was trying to stay calm. He was all stuffed up and coughing due to a cold… but offered to pick me up when he caught the hysteria bubbling near the surface. I felt bad, so I said “no you are sick… I can just figure it out.” He said, “no, I can come and bring you to your car. Where are you now?”

In a nutshell… I had to register my car before picking it up… but since it was after 7… I wasn’t sure it would go through. I went to the towing place… and as I was getting out, MR Friday asks if I was ok now? I said sure, I can cab it if I can’t get it… and he proceeds to say, no I can come in… let me go around the block. I couldn’t pick up my car without having the proper registration… they had to call the police to see if it went through… basically it wouldn’t until someone could process it.

I went upstairs, grabbed stuff from my car, and got back into his jeep. I started directing him home… he had said earlier that he wasn’t feeling good enough to even eat. As we were driving by some restaurants, I said “are you sure you don’t want to eat something?” He decided to pull into one after all… we had another nice time… him trying not to cough and me trying not to feel to bad. I decided to pay for dinner as a thank you… and he then drove me home.

As we were pulling up to my place…he says “I don’t want to kiss you goodnight because I don’t want you to get sick…” I smiled and said “ok, thanks again” him saying “thanks for dinner.”

So I guess we are still seeing each other… since he mentioned a kiss and helped me out when he really didn’t have to. It was nice and sweet that he helped… and obviously wanted to see me even though he wasn’t feeling well. I think the whole night actually made me like him more… just because for once I had someone I could count on… even for just that night. So… that is that… not sure when I will see him again… but I am assuming it will be sometime next week… since I have other plans this weekend.

The unknown land

2008-07-31T21:46:00.002-05:00

I went to Mr Friday's house again tonight to watch a movie... it was nice. Its bad, because I still don't know how I feel about this...him...I just am going along with the motions. At times I really do think I like him... for example I was freaking out that he wasn't going to call the other night... or when I felt a twinge of unease when he mentioned plans with his ex.

But, as he opened the door, I just wondered... do I like you? I guess its that I like him, but then I don't. He doesn't give me goosebumps or flutters. But he does make me smile, I just wish I could laugh more. I am not sure where this is going, cause there are little things I kind of don't like, and some things I can see getting better rather then worse. So, I am still in unknown land...

Take it or leave it.

2008-07-30T21:26:00.004-05:00

"Many blogs provide commentary or news on a particular subject; others function as more personal online diaries. "

OK, so I guess my thinking tonight is if my posts really makes you want to put a bullet through YOUR head...then please do not read this. Sorry, maybe people think I am dumb, BUT I have never said I was going to be perfect here... for me this was the one place where I was finally myself... and you know what? I am sooo critical of myself...the way I look, my weight, my humor and personality, choices and jobs, that this was a place I could go and just write... it is a blog... meant for me to take out my frustrations... meant to be a diary of my dating experiences... if you don't like that I make mistakes and am not perfect like some people, then as I said just don't read it and go somewhere else for your entertainment, because I am tired of the critical comments...about a BLOG!

If you are taking time to read it great... but this is for me... I write most of these entries at 11 at night, trying to flush out frustrations before closing my eyes and seeing it over and over in my head... therefore if I start making this blog be to much work, I am not going to write... I don't have the time to add that into my day... therefore, I am not going to over analyze everything... if you do not like it, then go read someone who is perfect... or better yet go read someone who does this for a living and has multiple people working and proofing entries. This is me... this is my blog...take it or leave it.

Friday stalker!

2008-07-28T21:33:00.006-05:00

Last Friday night I went to dinner with friends I hadn't seen in 8 years! It was so nice to see them, and connect with someone from my past...to connect with someone you just know had a similar backgrounds growing up. As I was following them to there place after dinner, I thought about texting Mr Friday that I was in his neighborhood...since we were hanging out the following night instead, I knew he had plans with his new roommate.... I asked him actually...since he said he was busy and broke, I thought a low key night was in order. SO I emailed and asked...he said sure, lets do Saturday night.

So...as I was driving to my friends, I drove by someone walking to his car, as I glanced through my window, I saw him...it was Mr. Friday! I started to laugh, and yea my heart did race some...just from the shock...so I decided to call...and even though he was with his roommate and obviously busy, he still answered..."Hey, what's up?" Me, "not much, did you just walk outside?" haha so yea it was him...the stalker that I am!

So, that was a small world moment, him saying, "Well now you know where I live tomorrow night if you come by to watch the movie."

SO, Saturday came...and so did the night. I picked up pizza on my way...and we watched a movie... he was nice... and sweet as usual... it was super comfortable, and I could have just stayed...maybe it was the beer and the good company.

I will be honest and say I am still not so sure yet. I def am liking him...and when I think about him he does put a smile on my face...but at times I think...what am I feeling really? Comfort or attraction? Is it like because he obviously is interested and maybe I like the attention and that for once someone is into ME!

I know I enjoy his company...and maybe his kiss did have a little bit more heat this time, but...I guess I will see as time goes on. Maybe I am waiting for the donkey or pig I usually date...that I am just not used to it...its confusing cause I am usually more worried how they are feeling rather then analyzing my own feelings. My own feelings have been second for so long, that sometimes I don't know how to think for me.

Its not just in guys, its my whole life. I worry about everyone, from roommates and family to coworkers and friends...what they think matters to me. I would rather someone be happy...as long as that is the case then I am at ease. Am I happy?? Hmmm...I don't know...I am just more at ease...until someone frowns that is.

I have been really working on trying not to be this way anymore. I have been making an effort to live my life rather then someone else's. Because as we all know its "MY LIFE" no one else's...for me that is. SO, if this is the case...maybe I am just scared and don't know how to feel this way...feel this "MY LIFE" thing that everyone else knows about.

OR...is it him and maybe we just don't click...or do we?

Another friday!

2008-07-20T20:10:00.008-05:00

I had my second date with Mr Friday. He was still nice and sweet...I did find it odd that he kissed me as soon as I got into the car...not like "wowo baby you light my fire"...a more like..."hi sweety, how are you?" Just strange for the second date I guess...but sweet I suppose.

We had another great night. He is super sweet and doesn't worry about ordering and then paying...he just is nice. We went for dinner and to a movie to see "Batman" which was awesome by the way! Heath was an amazing actor! OK, back to the date, after about an hour he held my hand and put his hand on my thigh...it was nice.

We drove back to my place, he picked me up and drove me home...like a real date...so as he was driving down my street, I was obsessing "do I let him in?" or "do I not?" when he pulled up to my driveway...and saying "Well I had another great night." We kissed a few kisses and then I said goodnight. I get paranoid after the last few years when a guy doesn't do more I guess. I just expected him to say, no one more...or something like that...does that mean he is just an actual nice guy who is going slow...or is he just not that into it...its so hard to tell at first...which maybe is a good thing rather then a bad.

I have a hard time though...telling if I am really and truly attracted...I mean sure when we held hands it was nice, but when we kiss it isn't stars and passions...but will it come in time...maybe we are both nervous and careful and aren't putting out hearts out there...but what is it really? OK this is me going on a tangent here...so stop reading if you have to...but...

What if, because I like him and we have fun...laugh and have similar interests....OK so now WHAT if I settle for this and go slow for the time being...just have fun and what not...and settle for non passion...settle for comfort first. I know there will be a third date...and prolly a fourth...so I get nervous thinking about that time...because then it means we will have sex...and then we are exclusive...then months have gone by...lives are being mingled... Then I stop and think did I really want all of this I am turning 50 and living with some man that I don't have sex with...but who I know I am OK with.

Is that an OK thing? What if I am so DESPERATE...that I settle...and stop looking for "the one"...BUT who says he ISN'T number one? What says it has to be one way or the other...right? I just get nervous and stress about these kinds of things...just the not knowing. I want there to be some kind of sign that says this is him...this is the feeling you get...this is an emotion that makes ur heart race and palms sweat and you have met the one who you want to jump at every moment. BUT see that's me looking for perfection. What is real? How does someone know that this is it...

Anyway...I think I am done rambling for one night, and go to bed. I know only time will tell with Mr Friday, and its a great thing that he is moving slowly...cause I need time to figure out what I want...without letting the physical get in the way.

Im going to go with the flow.

2008-07-13T21:32:00.004-05:00

I had a date Friday night. It was nice...better then I expected. He seems to be really nice and genuine. I am def not sure where its headed...I do know he kissed me goodnight and contacted me the next morning. He was interested...and I think I am too.

It was nice that he paid for dinner, not making me feel bad for it. He held doors open for me...and I think he was more nervous then I was...since he was wearing a long sleeve shirt in 80 degree weather. We connected during dinner, and I decided to invite him to watch a friends band...I bought his cover and he bought me drinks. He was sweet and liked the bands...was or seemed excited about them and finding new bands to follow. He didn't attack me for sex, he didn't even hold my hand which I'll be honest and say I kind of don't like it...maybe later on I will...but during a first date its awkward. He did have his arm around my shoulder on the T ride and did give me a hug and kiss goodnight.

So we are suppose to plan something soon, he called me tonight. As I said he was nice...I just need to learn to STOP thinking ahead, and stop freaking and thinking and over analysing. I need to just enjoy the here and the now and stop wondering what people are thinking and wondering, stop thinking about what he is thinking and wondering...stop worrying about if I am into him or just lonely. And just go with the flow.

Another ad...why not?

2008-07-06T22:35:00.001-05:00

I want to start hiking, camping, and biking, more activities like this...I have been busy with the career and now I just want to have a life too...I woke up the other day and realized all my friends are couples and I am turning 30 in 6 weeks! Yikes! I want to do things I haven't done! I want a person who will do the things I want to do or try...and I would love for someone who can make me laugh everyday no matter what.

I am not super thin, not huge either, but I am honest...am around a size 14...but have been losing weight...hence my new interest in trying new things...

Well...maybe I will hear from someone normal who wants to meet rather then email and IM for weeks...and please be near my age and single...hope to hear from you...

Who is the question of the night!

2008-07-05T19:11:00.004-05:00

So...I got back from Jamaica last sunday and have been feeling thinner! I had pictures taken of me and felt that a lot of them made me look thinner then I had in the past. I got hit on the minute I stepped off the bus...sure it was a Jamaican guy, but hey why not...he was a cutie in his native way.

So...I was feeling more confident in the way I look...so I decided to try dating again... also it doesnt help that I am bored... and just would like to find someone to make me laugh.

So I decided Crazy Blind Date was the way to go...then I get a text saying that this guy I was suppose to meet doesnt except text messages...which totally threw me. How was I suppose to know who the guy is...all I have on him is a name...and I wasnt about to walk up to any one standing alone and say, "Are you Ken?"

Anyway, I sat at the bar and had a beer...talked to my married very cute neighbor. I did see one guy walking around...he even looked at me and didnt say anything to me. Was he Ken? But...since neither of us had the balls to say "Are you...?" I decided though...if this guy was make my heart tremor hot...then maybe I could have something...but I just wasnt all into him...and maybe if he was Ken, he wasnt into me anymore then I was into him...other wise maybe he would have said "Are you Katie?"

So I got home, talked to a friend about hitting a movie, and went online...and decided in my hours before walking out the door, that maybe after all this time, I would check out my old stomping ground of CL> and responded to a guys ad...

"+++++ Sick of one sided conversations+++++++++++ - 32 (Waltham/Newton)

The topic says it all.. Sure I date but it always seems to be a one sided conversation. I am 32 single, handsome and looking for the right lady to engage in a REAL conversation and have a winning personality such as mine. IF you think you can fit is description send a pic to get mine and we will go from there."

We talked on email...him responding to my pic...and went on IM...which is faster then email.

7:40:04 PM Me: hi
7:40:15 PM Mr Bullz Eye: hey
7:40:23 PM Me: thought this might be easier
7:40:24 PM Me: ha
7:40:29 PM Mr Bullz Eye: lol
7:40:57 PM Me: so what do u do?
7:41:02 PM Mr Bullz Eye: finance
7:41:13 PM Mr Bullz Eye: you
7:41:19 PM Me: design
7:41:38 PM Mr Bullz Eye: < -- equity trader
7:41:46 PM Mr Bullz Eye: you have a degree
7:41:48 PM Mr Bullz Eye: ?
7:41:50 PM Me: two
7:41:51 PM Me: ha
7:41:55 PM Mr Bullz Eye: same 2
7:42:00 PM Mr Bullz Eye: where yo go
7:42:24 PM Me: school in albany ny and then grad in atlanta ga
7:42:43 PM Mr Bullz Eye: ya my sister goes to albany college of pharm
7:42:55 PM Me: oh yea that was close to where i went
7:42:55 PM Mr Bullz Eye: 4th year
7:43:03 PM Me: i went to the college of st rose
7:43:04 PM Mr Bullz Eye: i went to oswego
7:43:24 PM Mr Bullz Eye: st rose.. my 2 aunts got here master there in music they teach good school
7:43:34 PM Me: nice
7:43:38 PM Mr Bullz Eye: cool
7:43:40 PM Mr Bullz Eye: beans
7:43:41 PM Me: no one knows the school usually
7:43:42 PM Me: ha
7:43:54 PM Mr Bullz Eye: ya unless you know albany
7:44:00 PM Me: where did u grow up?
7:44:10 PM Mr Bullz Eye: 1 hour west of albany
7:44:15 PM Mr Bullz Eye: Gloversville
7:44:38 PM Mr Bullz Eye: then work and live in saratoga for 4 year
7:44:41 PM Mr Bullz Eye: (s)
7:44:44 PM Me: nice
7:44:50 PM Me: i like saratoga
7:44:55 PM Mr Bullz Eye: fun place
7:44:58 PM Me: i grew up in vermont
7:45:03 PM Mr Bullz Eye: i snow board
7:45:05 PM Mr Bullz Eye: killington
7:45:13 PM Me: i grew up near there
7:45:18 PM Mr Bullz Eye: cool
7:45:21 PM Me: near rutland
7:45:27 PM Mr Bullz Eye: cool
7:45:27 PM Me: closer to NY though
7:46:10 PM Me: so no parties tonight ...lol
7:46:17 PM Mr Bullz Eye: lol.. no you?
7:46:23 PM Mr Bullz Eye: how old are you?
7:46:27 PM Me: im off to the movies in a bit
7:46:29 PM Me: im 29
7:46:32 PM Mr Bullz Eye: k 31
7:46:40 PM Me: going to be 30 :( in a few weeks
7:46:42 PM Me: ha
7:46:48 PM Mr Bullz Eye: kool
7:46:50 PM Me: no offence to the 31 yr old
7:46:58 PM Mr Bullz Eye: easy killer
7:47:02 PM Me: haha
7:47:13 PM Me: i was just saying in response to my :(
7:47:22 PM Mr Bullz Eye: i know its all good
7:49:23 PM Me: u go out last night?
7:49:30 PM Mr Bullz Eye: i didnt
7:49:39 PM Mr Bullz Eye: but thursday i did
7:49:54 PM Mr Bullz Eye: hardcore :D
7:49:58 PM Me: lol
7:50:03 PM Me: still recovering?
7:50:13 PM Mr Bullz Eye: actually trying to-unrecover!
7:51:25 PM Mr Bullz Eye: ?
7:51:31 PM Me: ?
7:51:33 PM Me: lol
7:51:36 PM Mr Bullz Eye: lol
7:52:30 PM Me: so u live in waltham?
7:52:44 PM Mr Bullz Eye: yes
7:52:48 PM Mr Bullz Eye: you?
7:52:52 PM Me: newotn
7:52:55 PM Me: newton
7:53:01 PM Mr Bullz Eye: what ever they call hit
7:53:04 PM Mr Bullz Eye: lol
7:53:08 PM Me: :)
7:54:44 PM Me: so we should meet up sometime or something, i find meeting better then emailing and Iming
7:55:12 PM Mr Bullz Eye: what are you looking for
7:55:21 PM Me: i dont know
7:55:30 PM Me: no expectations
7:55:38 PM Me: what r u looking for?
7:55:48 PM Mr Bullz Eye: expectations
7:55:51 PM Mr Bullz Eye: lol
7:55:52 PM Mr Bullz Eye: no-expectations
7:56:02 PM Me: wait what
7:56:04 PM Me: lol
7:56:15 PM Mr Bullz Eye: im looking for whatever
7:56:18 PM Mr Bullz Eye: i guess
7:56:26 PM Me: at the moment i kind of want to have fun...sure I want to marriage and stuff...but you cant rush into it
7:56:40 PM Me: so i just want to have fun until its not anymore
7:56:58 PM Mr Bullz Eye: i love it
7:57:05 PM Me: if that makes sense
7:57:10 PM Mr Bullz Eye: it does
7:57:36 PM Mr Bullz Eye: are you just looking to "hook up"
7:57:42 PM Me: no
7:59:10 PM Mr Bullz Eye:well i am not looking for a one time deal i am looking for a several time deal
7:59:18 PM Me: me too!
7:59:20 PM Me: hah
7:59:34 PM Me: i dont know what i want
7:59:46 PM Me: i just want more then a FWB thing
7:59:57 PM Me: and more then a hookup
8:00:04 PM Mr Bullz Eye: sounds good
8:00:24 PM Me: have u met people online before?
8:00:27 PM Me: i used to
8:00:43 PM Mr Bullz Eye: your the 2nd
8:00:52 PM Me: havent in a while cause i got bored with it...but then i got bored and responded to ur ad
8:00:52 PM Me: ha
8:01:10 PM Mr Bullz Eye: cool-beans
8:01:23 PM Mr Bullz Eye: i dont know
8:01:35 PM Mr Bullz Eye: i am just bord here in waltham
8:01:43 PM Mr Bullz Eye: mass to be more narrow
8:02:07 PM Mr Bullz Eye: i have not met any people here and my sex life has been on ice.
8:02:19 PM Me: lol
8:02:20 PM Mr Bullz Eye: mass girls just bor me
8:02:31 PM Mr Bullz Eye: and i just dont "hook up to have sex
8:02:44 PM Me: thats a good thing
8:02:50 PM Me: not a bad thing
8:02:56 PM Mr Bullz Eye: well it is what it is
8:03:17 PM Me: ha...i hate hooking up to be honest...as for bored...i know the feeling
8:03:34 PM Me: i havent met anyone in a long time who is fun and can make me laugh
8:03:41 PM Mr Bullz Eye: but i dont want to jump into this huge relationship.. i dont mind having drinks or dinner but I just dont know what i am looking for.. what happens happens is good for me though
8:03:59 PM Me: i agree on the what happens happens
8:04:23 PM Me: thats why i like meeting quicker rather then emailing and iming
8:04:37 PM Me: cause u know after meeting if you want to hang out again or not
8:04:40 PM Mr Bullz Eye: totally.
8:05:10 PM Mr Bullz Eye: ya thats fine.
8:05:34 PM Me: lol
8:05:45 PM Mr Bullz Eye: how tall are you
8:06:00 PM Me: 5'3"
8:06:03 PM Me: u?
8:06:09 PM Mr Bullz Eye: 5/7
8:06:35 PM Mr Bullz Eye: weight?
8:07:00 PM Me: i dont know weight...i know clothes size, i dont go by weight, sorry
8:07:20 PM Mr Bullz Eye: lol, ok what size are you
8:07:37 PM Me: 14, I've been loosing weight so it varies
8:08:20 PM Mr Bullz Eye: cool
8:08:33 PM Mr Bullz Eye: thats a little to heavy for me
8:08:40 PM Me: ok
8:08:51 PM Mr Bullz Eye: im sorry but your cute though
Changed status to Offline (8:08:56 PM)

Ok...Soooo...me and my confidence get shit on...I am going to go to a movie and take a deep breath...and just think...F-him...but...

maybe he is right?

Or if he isnt who is?

Be fearlessly single

2008-05-28T15:16:00.001-05:00

Love Lessons from Sex and the City
In their six years on the air, the SATC chicks endured the good, the bad, and the totally bizarre when it came to dating. Cosmo studied some of their most memorable relationships to find out what we could learn from the fabulous foursome.
By Ashley Womble

Case study: Miranda and Steve
When Miranda met bartender Steve Brady, she was skeptical as usual. He was nice (and easy on the eyes) but clearly not relationship material. Not surprisingly, their divergent careers created problems: conflicting schedules, fights about money, and different outlooks on life. Miranda could have deleted his number from her BlackBerry, but ultimately, his laid-back personality and devotion won her over. The unlikely pair started a family and eventually tied the knot.
Lesson #1: Date against your type.

Case study: Carrie and Aidan
Hot furniture designer Aidan was everything Carrie thought she wanted in a man: emotionally available, honest, and ready to commit. Aidan wanted Carrie to meet his parents, have the keys to his apartment, and eventually be his wife. She attempted to change by quitting smoking (and nixing her addiction to Mr. Big), giving country life a shot, and wearing his engagement ring around her neck. But no matter how hard Carrie tried, she couldn't commit to any of it. While Aidan seemed perfect on paper, he wasn't the ideal guy for Carrie.
Lesson #2: Don't change for a man, no matter what.

Case study: Charlotte and Trey
An optimist with a very romantic view of love, Charlotte believed her dreams had come true when she was literally rescued by the single, wealthy, and handsome Dr. Trey MacDougal. Despite some major red flags — a lackluster marriage proposal, a meddling mother-in-law, and a sexless honeymoon — Charlotte was determined to make the relationship work. Although she gave it her all, their union still failed.
Lesson #3: Never ignore the warning signs that tell you a relationship isn't working.

Case study: Carrie and Berger
Witty writer Jack Berger had these famous last words for Carrie, written on a Post-it note: "I'm sorry, I can't. Don't hate me." After the abrupt end to their short, rocky relationship, Carrie vowed to spend the same amount of time getting over her breakup as Berger had spent ending it. If only it were that easy. Though Carrie managed to avoid him, she ended up melting down in front of his friends, which undoubtedly got back to him. She learned that it's better to face the music (or in her case, the Post-it note) and get it over with.
Lesson #4: As painful as breakups can be, you have to mourn before moving on.

Case study: Samantha and Smith
Samantha's dating philosophy: "I'm a trysexual. I'll try anything once." Her only rule was to never fall in love. She was so set in her man-eating ways that when she scouted and seduced a gorgeous waiter at a raw food restaurant, she didn't even ask his name. She encouraged the struggling young actor to play out his sexual fantasies and took him under her wing professionally, changing his name to Smith Jerrod and making him the Absolut Hunk. Somewhere between sex and stardom, Samantha fell in love and eventually confessed to Smith, "You've meant more to me than any man I have ever known."
Lesson #5: Dare to fall in love.

Case study: Carrie and Mr. Big
Sure, Carrie might have done some of the chasing, but in the end it was Mr. Big who showed up at her door the day she left New York City for Paris. Angry that his timing was always off, she screamed, "Forget you know my number! In fact, forget you know my name!" But he didn't give up. He called to tell her he loved her, and fortunately, Charlotte was there to answer his desperate call. The next day, he met the ladies for brunch and admitted, "You're the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth." With their blessing, Mr. Big went to Paris to get "their" girl.
Lesson #6: Let him chase you.

Case study: Carrie
The eternal single girl had her share of romances, chronicled in her weekly column, but the truest love story is the one she wrote for herself. Bad luck and messy breakups were de rigueur in Carrie's life. By surviving the pitfalls — a Manolo-mugging, a computer crash, and a very embarrassing fashion fall — Carrie gained the confidence and strength to continue her search for true love. "The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself," she said. "And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."
Lesson #7: Be fearlessly single.

Thanks MSN: http://lifestyle.msn.com/beautyandfashion/cosmosexandthecity/articlecosmo.aspx?cp-documentid=7410497>1=32001

Nope!

2008-05-27T20:37:00.004-05:00

SO I never did have that date...he canceled on me...saying he had to work...he IMed and texted...I said OK, maybe another night...responding to the cancel and the postpone. He responded with a def!

Then last night I texted saying hi...and he responded...saying he would call me that night...and then last night I got the text...whats up? I was like ummm..text isn't a CALL!!!

I didn't respond...today we talked on IM some...

I think this is to hard...I didn't want to waste time...I only want to do that AFTER we meet...not before...so...its kind of different then the true standards of a guy will contact u and not the other way around. With online dating...with no real face value, there are no rules...

Anyway...that's the latest...and I am off to see Sex in the City! Thursday night...the funny thing is...I never watched the show regularly. Sure I have seen a bunch by now...but I have never watched it from episode 1 through The Mr. big Comes Through After All! But I thought my title was perfect...since I was new to Boston...the city...

I am Sexless in the City! :)

EVERYTHING

2008-05-21T20:39:00.004-05:00

I think I have a date tomorrow night. Am I going to jinx this if I write to you...will I? This one I met online...and he seems to be nice...I talked to him on the phone a few times and we seem to get along so far. But then again I have been here before. I kind of don't care either way right now.

Sure, I would love to have someone I can come home to or smile at. I was really sad the other night...and all I wanted to do was watch a movie with someone. And I didn't have anyone to call...that sucks at times...at times I just want to be able to depend on someone besides my mom.

BESIDES these feelings that arrive from out of the blue...I am happy I think just being me. I think about having a guy around on a regular basis...and I think about the freedom I have right now. I like being able to come home and just veg...I like the drama free it is when I am not with someone. I like having ME time.

I think sometimes that someone was watching out for me the last few years. I think about when I first starting dating and how I was then...and how fragile I was. I think if I had gotten involved I would be in a miserable relationship. I think I would have let him walk over me...until I hated him and myself even more then I did then. Everything would be my fault...I would feel even more guilty then I do today...about EVERYTHING...

So I guess its true about having to LOVE yourself before u can love someone else. I feel like the more confident you are the better off you are. I heard someone say the other day that he loved his fiance very much...but if something happened between the two of them...he liked being single...not as much as being with her...but at the end of the day he would be OK and he wouldn't break down. I listened and thought...wow...why cant I have this gene...or maybe he got them all and I didn't. But I did think...yea that is true...that is true LOVE...

Another one?

2008-05-03T21:25:00.003-05:00

I sat on the train...shaking my leg...I was running late...the train had been late...so now here I am late...shit! He said something on the CBDate thing that he would like his date to be on time...or was that Wednesday date where I had to cancel...and here I am running late...but he texted back OK...so...thats OK right?

I text at 5 after the time I was suppose to be there.

"I am almost there...I have a tan coat on."
I got a text saying..."okay...OK"

I went in and looking around the small place...and don't see anyone...so I text,
"I am here...where are you?"

Nothing...

I stand outside for 7-8 minutes.

Nothing.

I go to the bar and sit down...there is this guy sitting there...a phone in his hand and a beer in front of him. He is playing with his phone, glances at me and nothing. Is this him? Hmmm...weird if it is...because I said a tan coat...and he is looking and playing with his phone...so if this is him...he had read my text...and knew I was me...because I had on a tan coat! I am just going to text again. I text saying "Are you here?"...

Nothing.

I leave. This is ridiculous!

I start to call my mom...I talk to her a bit and tell her this new story for my blog...and as I am talking...I get a beep indicating a text. "Mom, hold on a sec." I flip the phone over and check... its him!

"OK..."

Oh my god...what in the world?

So...I text,
"Hmmm, that's awesome!"

So in other words...nope no more kisses for me...since I never heard from Potter again...

Got a kiss!

2008-04-28T12:02:00.002-05:00

I had my date saturday night, he was nice...and yea he did resemble harry...but wasn't bad looking. He definitely was more cute then he was hot...but that was ok.

I had a hard time telling with him...we talked a lot...but had some awkward silences as well. Was he into me? I have nooo idea really... was it the beer... or was he into ME!....as he was on his 4th beer of the night, he started really leaning into me to talk and hear...since the place had gotten super crowded. We hung out and chatted for over four hours...him finally asking if I was ready to go. He rubbed my back as he walked out the door...and walked me to my car.

It was kind of late...and getting cold and rainy out...so I asked him if he would like a ride home...he said "no thats ok"...and I said, "Are you sure?" and then he said, "Sure, why not"

I drive him to his place and pull over...we smile and he leans in...I lean in...going for a hug and maybe a kiss on the cheek...and he goes right for the lips. The kiss was a little awkward at first...as usual first kisses are I am sure. He then says "come up." I said no, I can't...I think I will head on home...then I get a horn honking from behind... I pull away from his place... with him still in the passenger seat. I pulled onto a street to turn around and he leans over and kisses me again. I agreed at that point to go into his place...knowing it wasn't a great idea...but I kept saying...ok...I will go in...but don't expect to get lucky.

I stuck with my guns...and didn't let him win...I said no. We did kiss a lot...and he did beg for me to spend the night...even though I said no to the actual act...he said that was ok... that he liked me and wanted to see me in the morning. I smiled... and said, yea you can... but not here... you need to call me to see me.

Finally, after a bit...he said "when can I see you again?" I said, "I don't know you tell me" He then gets up and says, "what is your number?" I give it to him, get up and said my goodbyes. He kissed me again at the door and said I'll see you or I'll call you...something like that.

I went home...checked my email and responded to Crazy Blind Date with how the date went...and responding to "Mr Potter" that I had a lot of fun, thanks for tonight, and Call Me!

I know its only Monday, but I haven't heard from him...not even a response through Crazy Blind Date... not sure what to think...I will give it a few days...but I am kind of worried I will never hear from him. I did get my kiss...or kisses...so I can not complain...and I did have a great night...with him paying even...but I wonder what I did that I could have done differently...I do thank god that I didn't sleep with him, and then have him still not call...cause then I would feel even worse.

I am not even sure what I felt...was I even all that attracted to be honest...he kissed me so I went along with it. All I know is I did have fun...and would like to see him again...but...I guess its in his hands, not mine. I just need to tell myself that even though he doesn't call...if he doesn't call...that it isn't me...its him...and its his loss... I don't want him anyway...but I need to NOT feel rejected and instead feel relieved...right?

Just one kiss!

2008-04-23T21:21:00.002-05:00

I have decided to go on another crazy blind date...maybe it was just bad luck...and bad luck does come in threes. I am just going try again. I didn't sign up for one after another...but I do have one on Saturday night...with Michael who is 31...says he looks like Harry Potter....oooh...good or bad?

Anyway...I have been doing therapy these days...and she says it is good for me to get out there...just agreed with me to just have fun. I cant go back to the online dating...not like before...because its the little things with online dating that gets weird. For example I was talking to some guy not long ago and even made plans for a Saturday night...I was honest in the beginning that I am not super thin...which he said was fine...until he sees another pic of me at the end...and then 11 days later he responds saying "I think I will take a pass" uhhh OK? A pass? Your loss not mine!

Just online dating is a waste of my time and energy...while this blind date is only a few hours...I can blow it off more this way. The thing..the key is...not to set dates one right after the other...cause then yea I do get burned out. So....I am going to stay out in the game...just slower then I was 2 years ago...its easier today then 2 years ago to blow it off...

I just want to find someone I can kiss...haha...bad I know...but I have such a hard time even kissing on a first date...I want to find another Anchorman that can make my tummy flutter and makes me smile at just his name being mentioned...BUT....someone who treats me with a little bit more respect...Just want to meet someone who I can make it the second maybe even a third date....someone who makes the first move...just once...then we will see what i will wish for!

Mix N Mingle touchbase!

2008-04-18T20:22:00.003-05:00

The Mix N Mingle went well, didn't have much to say about it...I did see Mr Artsy, he looked really different...we looked at each other and it took a good few secs to realize who it was...which was the same amount of time it took him to come to the same conclusion cause he turned around before I could even smile. He then made sure he was never in eye sight again.

I did see one cutie that I was going to talk to but before I did he was in an intense all night convo with a petite blond. I did get hit on by one guy...he was foreign and very nice...he just never came out and asked for my number, but did give me his business card of where he is a cook...saying to come in...hmmm we shall see. He ran after me actually after I said my goodbyes. I was at the door and hear footsteps...someone...him...saying wait...katie...it was so nice to meet you...and then he gives me a hug...I smiled...and same it was nice to meet you too. I didn't know what to do or say...so I said goodbye...who knows.

Mix N Mingle!

2008-04-12T15:32:00.003-05:00

I am off to a singles event to night...a part of me....a huge part of me almost bailed on it. The weather helped me convinced to go out on the town. I feel like I have enjoyed being alone on weekends... a lot of times I say no to this or that...or maybe I haven't looked for anything to do...I just wanted time to rest...sleep...and maybe some reading or TV time.

I am not sure why I have been more of a hermit...is it the weather? Me being exhausted from working to many hours count? Am I sad? Am I just starting to realize I can enjoy time for me...without looking like a looser cause I am home ALONE on a Friday or Saturday night.

Tonight for this event: "Yes we're doing a Mix N Mingle formerly known as Grab A Date. Non meet up people are always welcome and encouraged only for this event they should be single as well (see above definition of single)! Guys are highly encouraged to join us!" It sounds like around 150 people are going to show...one who I have already dated...Mr Artsy will be there...wonder if he still lives at home?

I have been kind of scared of this...running into someone I have dated...what do I say...how do I react? Its not like him and I had anything emotional or physical like Anchorman or MrBeBe...but we did kiss...and I just am not sure how to react.

The Salesman and I are done...which kind of just stopped by petering out...I called one night and he texted back "Sup" I wrote, "Not much" I was trying to figure out a way to say lets just end this...but he never called or texted again...and neither did I. I guess...we felt the same way...what was the point of continuing something that just wasn't working.

Well, I am off to get ready for tonight...should be interesting!

Come in 3's?

2008-03-27T20:52:00.006-05:00

OK bad thing MUST come in three's right? I have only up to go...so lets hope so. It started last week, when I decided I was bored...and hadn't been on a Crazy Blind Date in a few months...so I signed up for a few. Last Thursday, one was set up with a 40 year old who said he "was a real cowboy" which cracked up the guys at work...and then canceled...saying in the email that he had to work late. Me responding with:

Hi there,You had a date with me tonight and I thought it was funny...because I too am working and was starting to get stressed I wouldn't be done in time for 8! so your email took weight off my shoulders. What do you do?

Then nothing...never heard from him again...OK was he married?

Last night was date number two...I was running late so I send him a text message...telling him exactly that...and nothing...I arrive at a LOUD dark bar, and have NO idea who he is and if he is even there since I hadn't heard from him...after 29 minutes of waiting...I finally get a text saying "oh man, I forgot...I went home sick from work today, wasn't feeling well."

Then tonight...I had another one. He texted me 2 minutes after Crazy Blind Dates gives the OK to text, texting "Cupid" uhhh what does that mean?? We finally meet, and he seems super nervous...stuttering some and repeating things over and over. I gave him a break though...as I said he just seemed nervous...but at times, I wondered if he was all there...and then he tells me that he works with special education kids...which makes me think...now it makes sense...

We sat down...and I tried to have a full conversation...which was a little all over the place with repeats here and there...For example I would ask, "Where are you from?" and he would say, "Where are you from?""Where are you from?""Where are you from?""Where are you from?" I kept thinking...is it nerves or just who he is...the loud voice all of sudden that made me look around to make sure people weren't staring...but I kept my smile in place. We are close to the end and he asks for the check...he seems to be in a hurry all of a sudden, throws down a 10 and says here is half...which really wasn't since the bill came to 21+tip...meaning 10 didn't even cover his part...since his beer was more expensive then mine. But whatever...as I am putting my credit card in my wallet...he gets up and puts on his coat and says, nice meeting you and walks out the door!

I watched him leave...shit...what was that all about...I have never ever had that experience...and I have had worse dates as well...

I walk out myself and almost run into him...and turn fast, pretending I didn't see him...since I didn't want another awkward moment. I walk out and see him looking confused at the stop walk...and then he starts to cross and bolts into a run...and I stood there watching him run all the way in the lights of the street ahead.

I think this had to be one of the weirdest dates yet...one more story for the blog I guess.

Sonnet

2008-03-22T08:25:00.000-05:00

http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=D

The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)
The Sonnet

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.GLD&g=0&o=1

Home by 10:30

2008-03-03T22:45:00.002-05:00

I went out with Mr Red on Saturday night. I wasn't expecting this to be a date as much as just getting some drinks with a friend. I told him to text or call and let me know the plans...

He said around 8 and he would text...and then 8 rolls around Saturday night and nothing...then at about a quarter past I get an email and a text saying he was running late...he will be there at 8:30.

I was kind of annoyed...but gave him the benefit of the doubt thinking maybe he thought when i said call or text he meant as he was leaving...as since I didn't have plans...since he technically was my plans...I went along for the ride...or walk...since it was just down the street.

I got there...and it was the same as the last time I met him...kind of awkward...I actually kind of wondered what I was doing there...since he kind of seemed like he would have rather been anywhere but there. He proceeds to text for the next few minutes as I am looking at the dinner menu. He finally puts the phone away. I think that someone who uses there phone during dinner is one of the rudest things...unless there is a reason...but he didn't tell me either way.

We finally ordered wine...and as the wine loosened the tongue we started talking about the economy and politics...religion and anything else that we could think of. The conversation flowed well enough...but we still had those uncomfortable silences. After dinner...we walked out...him asking me what his options were in response to whats next.

I said...the bar down the street...driving somewheres else...or my place to watch TV or something...he says nope I don't like TV...and Ill be honest I didn't want him over anyway...but wanted to be nice and ask...so he then says well I have an early day tomorrow...so Ill be seeing you.

SO...as you can see...that might be the last time I see him...maybe we will run into each other somewhere at some point...but it was just an uncomfortable night all the way around.

Mr Salesman at the Oscars

2008-02-26T20:51:00.005-05:00

It has been a few since my last post. I am just not sure what to write...I have been talking The Salesman, we kind of stopped talking some around the holidays but he did contact me again...and we have been talking since.

We finally met a few weeks ago...went for Indian on a cold gray Sunday afternoon. It was nice...he was exactly what I expected. I'm torn about him...he is nice and sweet...but seems unhappy allot. Is it just bad luck on his part? or is he just this way? It is hard to tell at this time...that only thing about all of this...and why I bring it up...is that I feel like since I am apt to be negative...its hard not to be when he is...does that make sense?

He came over to my house Sunday night...to watch the Oscars. Its funny because I did the same thing last year...some guy came over and we watched the 06 Oscars. That was Mr Artsy...wow things have changed since then...but then again have they really? I feel like I am stronger then I was last year at this time....and Anchorman is finally someone in my past...even though it took waaay longer then it should have.

Mr Salesman came over...just the two of us and my roomate on the third floor. I feel really comfortable with him. SO of course I ask the questions...

Is it because I got to know him over the last few months?
Is it because we are friends and nothing else?
Is he playing me and trying to sell me something? so of course i will be comfortable!

I made lasagna and he brought two bottles of wine. We talked...he did finally hold my hand...but he didnt kiss me. I kind wanted to, it has been awhile...ha...but it is what it is...and we just huged goodnight. Maybe next time? Or maybe we wont be anything more then friends...I guess I wont know until I see him again.

Thats all that has been going on in the last few weeks. I decided to stop dating dating for a bit...therefore..dont date to lose weight. I have been focusing on losing weight. My brother is getting married in late June. And I have to wear a sleeveless dress...so I have been going to the gym...doing weights...and eating weight watchers points...very religiously too...I have been strict...and trying to be better.

I feel better though...I feel like my anxiety hasnt been as bad...is that because>

I am rested?
I am not eating as much sugar and caffeine...therefore my heart rate is more regular?
Is it because I am learning to deal with things better?
Is it because I am not really dating...and that's one less stress?

Anyway...that's me and my life for the last few weeks...

Finally

2008-01-28T23:36:00.001-05:00

So I was telling a friend this morning that maybe I wasn't as into Mr Tea as much as I thought I was. I mean I thought he was super cute...and sure we had a lot in common...but I never felt super comfortable with him. Don't get me wrong...if I have the chance to see him again...I def want to take it...because maybe I could laugh with him...maybe I was to nervous or maybe he was and he just seemed way to serious. But, I know a lot of this came from no response to Wednesday's email...

This was all before having my fist sip of caffeine and before checking gmail. And look who I had an email from? But of course!! Mr Tea...talking about how he was to tired from Friday night to do a pub crawl Saturday...which I had invited him to.

Yes, he is cute...and nice. BUT, def not nice enough to send an email sometime last week about Saturday? Since I decided to go to Vermont and wasn't around if he had decided he was going to go after all. He just isn't that into me. I do believe some of that book...He just isn't that into you!

Its true though...if he wanted me...he would have emailed or called. So I think him and I will hopefully be friends...I hope so anyway. I would love to find someone to go to see a show with...someone I could connect with on different levels...but...whatcha gonna do? I am not going to beg...and plead to call me or contact me...if you don't, well then that's your loss.

I am trying to believe that what will be will be...I guess I will let fate be in charge from now on...hmmmm...will I really? Well for tonight I will :)

Is that your final answer?

2008-01-22T22:50:00.000-05:00

I went to trivia tonight with Mr tea...and 4 other friends. I am not sure what to think...it wasn't easy to talk...and I hope he wasn't bored. All my insecurities came out tonight... and one major one is not being seen as smart. I didn't know many of the trivia questions...and now I wonder how dumb do I look?

I am not sure what was what I guess...it was so loud and busy that we didn't get to talk much... and I just wasn't sure what to talk about in front of everyone. Its funny, I got super shy...and I felt like I just wasn't being me...

I mean we did sit next to each other, and he def leaned in a few times...and I leaned to of course! He did feel comfortable to finish my pizza... and he did have a beer...so he does drink, which was something I wondered. But, it just didn't flow as well as the first date...or first meeting. I did invite him along to a pub crawl this weekend with friends...and he didn't say no or yes...said to let him know.

I just in a way wish I had spent more alone time with him, cause I wasn't sure what to talk about with him. And now I am afraid that we are in friend zone...and maybe be nothing more. And me...I worry. I just am not sure what to think and am not sure what to do. I mean he might think I just want to be friends since we did this...and wouldn't ask me out again...or maybe he would? I am just not sure...and do I ask him? DO I tell him that it was hard to talk...maybe he could teach me backgammon or do dinner next time?

As we said our goodbyes, I wasn't sure what to do...so once again I just said goodbye and smiled...and walked away. I didn't hug like I probably should have...its just that its so awkward...and I'm such not a touchy feel person, not until I'm close to them that is.

So, I am not sure whats what and that is my final answer!

Tea time...

2008-01-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

I met someone new on Thursdays night, another crazy blind date. Man he was so cute, it kind of is a bummer that my first thought was "wow, he is to cute to be into me" But he smiled and had the awkward few moments...but he is from Jacksonville Florida, so we talked allot about the south...and my ties to it.

We also talked about TV...music (which he listens to almost everything I do) ...movies...even books...we talked for almost 2 hours straight. We went to a tea cafe...which was really different...and he even bought!!! Since starting this new side of dating....no one has paid...which I totally understand. But he did. He opened doors and even walked me to my car at the end of the night.

He had the most amazing dimples...and was bald (I loved it). I was really happy when he told me he had a good time and that we should do this again sometime. We exchanged numbers and he then said we should do trivia or he could teach me backgammon some night...I smiled a huge smile and said sure, Id be game. I was super nervous so I think I might have sounded like an idiot....and I didn't know what else to do so I smiled and said good night and walked towards my door.

When he got home he responded right away to the service and sent me his email and number again. I too did the same. I did text him last night after the football game to see if he was sad that the jaguars lost...he texted back pretty fast.

I guess now I am waiting for him....which is what I guess I am suppose to do...:( I don't know at this point what to do...I guess just wait and see.

I have been emailing the guy from last week...I am not sure what to call him, maybe Red Top? He has been busy with work...and on Friday I sent him an email saying I was bored and if he was around to give me a call...he responded saying he was busy with construction on his house and maybe Sunday night if he was finished...I emailed back:

I hope the walls were good to you this weekend...and u got all the stuff done. No worries....I just quit my part time job...which was working in the natick mall during the weekends...and now I am off all weekend and I am not sure what to do with myself.

So yea, I found things to do with some friends and me time...which was def needed...

:)

OH and some cleaning....more is needed but it was def a start....

I hope all is well with you...

Anyway, it is what it is...wait and see...wait and see...and oh yea...wait and see :)

Mac and Cheese anyone?

2008-01-06T21:20:00.000-05:00

On Saturday night...I had my third date in a row. I was kind of tired at that point and yea I will admit a little nervous after the literal crazy blind date from the night before!

We met at a cool pub...that was to be honest the best part. He was very nice...but you could tell very nervous. We sat down pretty fast even though it was fairly busy. We had a nice time...he was in advertising...and we both loved the TV show Hero's and movies. We didn't have much in common though...I don't think anyway...since we kept going into those awkward silences...where I start talking about random things. I am not sure if we will hang out again or not...I replied to the service and to him as we said our goodbyes, saying I would love to see a movie or something sometime. BUT, I haven't heard from him.

I did hear back from the guy from Thursday night. He emailed me actually while I was writing the blog about him. I did email him back the following morning...but haven't heard from him since. We will see as I always seem to say...

Save me!

2008-01-06T21:04:00.000-05:00

So Friday's started off rocky...I was late-he was lost. The place didn't exist...the place where we were suppose to meet...so finally we were sitting at a bar that wasn't exactly what what we/I had in mind.

He was Indian, he is only here on business...nice at first...until he told me how he loves the strip clubs here in America. OK...you see in India they do not have strip clubs. He then tells me he has this friend he met off of OK Cupid...who "trust me" he says, she is just a "friend." Hmm..friend my ass...since for one he mentioned her a few to many times...then says well she is only 20...and has a 3 year old...and loves to have sex!!! hmmm....

I tried to bring the conversations to normal territory, but he kept interrupting by asking where I lived one minute, and then five minutes later he would ask how far away was Newton? How far away was newton from where he lived...of course my over anxious mind was wondering why was he asking me these things...along with the strip club and sex talk...yea I was kind of starting to get a bad feeling...well lets just say my bad feeling was growing...right until I put my hand into my pocket, went to the bathroom and called my friend to save me...

I was afraid to even walk to my car...because what if he thought he could follow...so I made my friend meet me for a drink...so I had an excuse not to go right towards my car...man what a weirdo...

I have never been so rude on a date...I was texting my friend right in front of him...I just wanted out of that date and now! Well then...you know what I mean. He pretty much ends the date by asking,

"So is it true? That American women love to have sex? Cause every woman I have met here LOVE to have sex!"

So...at least I have another adventures of KT and the dates...thank god it has been awhile since Ive had one of those...

Miracle of Science!

2008-01-03T22:09:00.000-05:00

I met the Crazy Blind Date guy at the Miracle of Science tonight...I got there much to early and texted him saying what I was wearing...a black coat with a white scarf...he texted back saying he was sitting by the window...think red hair! I went in and by god I found just that a red haired guy sitting at the bar by the window...drawing on a graph pad. Hmmm...my heart did a little patter wondering what this guy did...who would have thought I would have something in common with him...more then the average financial guru that it. So we exchange our hello's and decide to move to a table. He seemed kind of distracted to be honest...I am not sure if it was me...or if it was he was nervous? But it was what it was.

So I started asking questions...what were you drawing? What do you do? He isn't a designer but does work with designers...he actually worked where I do now like 9 years ago. It made me laugh to hear some of the stories that has never changed...and the same people that I know now he knew then. It was interesting...and we know some of the same people.

We talked and drank and ate for over two hours. He did loose his wavering eyes once we got into conversations...so I am not sure if the cider loosened him up or maybe me? Who knows...he was nice...I would hang out with him again...I am not sure what was what...maybe a friend? Maybe something more? I am just not sure at the moment. The thing is we never did exchange phone numbers or contact info...I did tell Crazy Blind Date to share my info and said that I would like to get a drink sometime...just let me know. I guess we will see if he bites...if not...onto to tomorrow's date.

It is kind of nice to not have anything invested in this...just hoping he might contact me again...and if not there is nothing lost I guess. Its nice to not have to talk on IM and email until he responds...its kind of up to him to make the next move which is nice.

And yes, I do have another date tomorrow night...should be interesting...he is 26...

Now the question is...after tonight and tomorrow night...I do have a chance for Saturday night as well...do I take it or take a night off and maybe see a movie with a friend? Maybe I can do both...hmmm...

Happy New Year!!

2008-01-02T22:32:00.000-05:00

Few I am happy the holidays are over...it has been a crazy season...

I had some great times and not so this season...I just worked way to much and Christmas for me was literally just a weekend, although I did go up to Maine for the New Year with some friends...we had a great time and was just what I needed to break into the new year.

I feel like I have gained tons of weight this season...yuck...so today I hit the gym...along with millions of others I am sure with a new outlook on life...since it is only the second day of the new year...what will the next year bring?

I have joined a new dating thing, "Crazy Blind Date! We like to keep things simple. That's why on very short notice we can set you up on quick dates with total strangers at public places like bars and coffee shops. You're not allowed to see their picture or even communicate."

Its kind of fun...its more face to face. Instead of emailing and Iming to get to know the basics...we will actually do it one on one...face to face. I know it brings along its own issues I am sure, but the immediate impression you get from someone online can be complicated...you think you might know someone...but what is real? and what is made up?

On Crazy Blind Date, I get to see a blurred image of this person, there age and heights, visual cues, and that is about it. Then 30 minutes before the date you can text with the person directly...using a number provided through the service. The only way we get personal info is by exchanging that info.

I did go on a date with one guy a few Fridays ago...kind of salesmany...but he was decent...not really into me...and I wasn't into him either. But, whatcha gonna do...it was faster then spending 3 weeks talking online and then meeting and not liking each other...after investing 3 weeks for nothing?

I have a date tomorrow night and Friday night...should be interesting...I am kind of excited to just meet new people again...

Well, I'll keep you updated...

Another Post? I know! I know!

2007-12-11T22:52:00.000-05:00

Ok so I have met some great people off of CL...so I KNOW not ALL the guys here are complete nut cases...so please let me know if someone is finally REAL... I want a guy to wine and dine me. Lets go on a few dates, maybe kiss once or twice and like me for me. Help me like them for them. All I’ve met are the guys that want to fool around during the first date...you see I have a 4-5 date rule. I’m not that kind of girl...I want to have fun, see where it can go...not looking to be married...but am looking for more then being a hook up girl.

I am not thin, I’m not huge either…but I am overweight…a size 14-16. So if overweight women are a turn off…don’t waste my or your time.

Are there any guys that want to DATE me...see where it can go??

Hmm wonder what nutcases will reply....hahah its fun to write what people write on here!

It begins again

2007-12-09T21:12:00.000-05:00

So I have been talking to this one guy off and on...We will call him The Salesman...he seems nice...he broke up with his ex only 6 weeks ago...which makes me a like skeptical....but I mean how do I know...it could have been over way before...

The Salesman is a realtor...and reminded me some of Mr Martini...I really cant explain it. He got on the phone and was asking me like a million questions....which was nice don't get me wrong...to finally have someone who is interested...but at the same time it was like he was selling me something. We made plans for Friday but he kept insisting that I drive to him...so when Friday rolled around I decided to bail. I pulled a player card I am afraid...I texted him saying I had a birthday party I forgot about. I am not sure why I did this...was I spooked? tired? just not into it? All of the above?

So after canceling I sent a text to some other guy who I also had been chatting with about meeting up. The thing with him was that he lived in my town, so I thought why not meet up for a drink. SO he accepted, but then it just got weird. I cant explain this...he kept saying he had a meeting and that he would text or call after. I said that was fine...but then he tried to call from the number I had the text from...and never left a message. I then texted saying I saw he had called and was all OK? We then continued to text off and on...him saying he wanted to see another pic of me. I agreed and asked for one from him in return. He then said he couldn't open it. Hmmmm.....I believed him....but then I get a call from him later on that night...and he was just odd...not telling me really what kind of meeting he was in...but the phone he called from came in as private...and then at one point he got another call from a phone somewhere else in the room...I could hear him say can I call you right back....hmmm it was just odd.

He then tells me he never got the email I sent earlier and to resend...which I did and then he couldn't open them again...during all of this confusion he keeps asking what I wanted to do tonight...I said "uhhh get a drink" as I said numerous times by now. He was like and that's all? So you have roommates? HMM....he then say..."2 huh?" I live alone but am house sitting right now. I was like...uhhh ok. He then says...well let me call you when I am done...it just might be kind of late...when originally he said he had a few errands...to a meeting and he could meet me at 8:30...to not sure as to when he would get out.

I said ok and got off the phone...he was to weird for me...all of it just seemed suspicious and odd...so I decided to text and cancel. I didn't hear from him...but did get a call at 6 in the morning...labeled private....weird.

I did get a few calls from The salesman on Friday even though I had canceled. He had seemed genuinely upset and I did feel bad...I just was so cold and so tired...I didn't want to drive to him...I would have met if he had even suggested meeting halfway. I am still in communication with him...and might meet him after all...just haven't decided yet...

And so i guess this means I am dating again...god I hate it...

What's a girl gotta do to get a guy in this town!

2007-12-04T23:05:00.000-05:00

What's a girl gotta do to get a guy in this town!
Don't want to be alone when the sun goes down.
Just a little something to put my arms around.
What's a girl gotta do to get a guy in this town!

Had an old woman tell me "Girl if you were smart, you'd hit the produce aisle at the super wal-mart"
So I bumped into a cute SINGLE guy's shopping cart
All I did was break his eggs and bruise his artichoke hearts.

What's a girl gotta do to get a guy in this town!
Don't want to be alone when the sun goes down.
Just a little something to put my arms around.
What's a girl gotta do to get a guy in this town!

(thanks songlyrics.com)

Mr Yahoo too!

2007-12-03T22:03:00.000-05:00

So I am not sure what happened with Mr Yahoo...just all of a sudden he stopped IMing and contacting me. Its weird cause its not like I'm super Mr BeBe upset...its more that it was so sudden. He was all into seeing me again and then bam its like he realized something I didn't.

I have been going over and over in my head what happened and as I said...I have no idea. I guess its for the best since I didn't feel the instant spark...and I am not sure what we had in common in the end anyway...but as usual it would have been nice to know what he was thinking...instead of just imagining it.

I have been on Yahoo Personals for a bit now and Mr Yahoo is the only one I have continued to talk to. I have, yes I know some are going to scream at me, but I have put a few odds and end ads on CL and have had a few people to talk to. And then I get to the point of my pic being shown and nothing. I wonder what is wrong with me that guys automatically think I'm not good enough for them. What gives? I know I am no beauty queen, but damn I don't get responses...or someone will be downright mean...I am not sure why and whats wrong with me...

I have been thinking it might be better to meet people out and about. Last week I did go out...and some guy was trying to dance with me...and me being me, I was totally oblivious of this. I took notice of him at one point and even wondered what he was up to...wondering if he was trying to dance or if it was my imagination. I didn't want to be rejected so I ignored him...until he walked out the door. See...I am me...so F-ing oblivious. My friend told me he had been watching me all night and attempting to dance with him and I didn't notice until the end. I saw him dance in front of me once...not the 3-4 times he actually did.

So what is a girl to do? I try and go out and I freak and get nervous and never look guys in the face. I don't know what to do when a guy hits on me...I get all weird...and act like I'm not interested.

So I guess this is the next step of my learning...learning to meet strangers without the Internet...hmmm will it work? I feel like some guy who becomes my friend will like me...cause I have a lot more then one little picture shows. I have been told over and over what a great personality I have and how I have the best laugh...

So maybe one of these days I will meet someone who will enjoy my laugh and me...

And he isnt...and neither am I

2007-11-25T22:46:00.000-05:00

So I ended it with Mr BeBe tonight. I couldn't handle it anymore. He was online cause he had the flu...and I do feel bad...but I mentioned hanging out and he didn't bite...so I just said I cant do this anymore. He himmed and hahhed saying if that is what I want. I was like no its not but I cant be an afterthought. I want to have someone be interested enough to pick up the phone at least. He said I guess that's why I am still single... cause I am an ass and I made you uncomfortable. I was like what? I basically said call me when the holidays are over if you really are interested. SO...I think its for the best. Every time he is online or texts its like he is saying...I'm busy but don't forget about me. And its working. I cant move on if he is here and in my mind and heart. I need out of site out of mind.

What sucks is that I liked him...a lot...now its gonna be hard to find someone new to like that much. And then I get worried about finding someone else and getting hurt again. I sometimes feel like it might be easier to date someone who I am comfortable with and not necessarily with someone I have the hots for. Cause if that doesn't work out I'm not crushed...but then I get scared of that as well. Cause comfort is great but its also easy and before you know it you are celebrating your 25th wedding anniversary and the following day he is leaving you for his co-worker...since both of you are not in love...you love him but were never in love with him.

So its a toss up...whats more important? Whats right for me? I'm scared anyway I look at it...I just know I liked how Anchorman and Mr BeBe made me feel but at the same time I hated it. So whats better the roller coaster ride or the even level. I do know that maybe someday someone will be both for me. Its the in between that's hard...the part of dating until I find the one...I just am not sure how many more tears I can deal with.

I am happy I made this decision though...I just cant do it...and this was a step in the right direction...maybe it took longer then some...but I loved me enough this time to do what was right...and that at least makes me happy...

Maybe he will...maybe he won't...

2007-11-19T22:02:00.000-05:00

I had my date Friday night...the yahoo date...he was sweet. He held the doors open for me and was attentive to what I had to say. He seemed truly genuine. We were to see a movie after a drink...where he paid for drinks I paid for the movie...not sure...:) as I wondered maybe that meant friends...

But then he kept looking at my hand the whole movie. I never went on a movie date in High School...so it was funny...he kept hinting to wanting to hold my hand...and then finally he did. It was sweet...but I didn't feel the sizzle I did with Mr BeBe. I am not sure why...was I to tired from a long work week...was it the cold?...was it the loooong movie....was it Mr BeBe still in my head and phone texting me here and there?

I did kiss him on the cheek as a goodbye. As I said...very sweet and I know he had a good time since he just told me so :) BUT as I said....no decisions will be made...maybe the spark will hit me the next time...or the time after that.

As I was debating some of this yesterday...I decided I needed to talk to Mr BeBe again...we text here and there...but hadn't talked talked in awhile...me not wanting to be to demanding... I asked him finally: "so i hate to ask this.....because I know u r busy....but i have to know.....r u interested in getting to know me more?? or should we stop talking and stuff?? I get confused cause i do know you are busy and I don't want to put pressure there......its more I don't want to bother someone who doesn't want to be bothered....if that makes any sense at all"

He said he understood...but didn't know. He said I'm so busy...with me responding with something like this: "and i understand that i just am not sure what to do...i like you and have/had allot of fun with you....would like to hang out more...but...its more i just don't want to waste time with someone who isn't interested and its hard to know if Ur busy and interested or busy and are not interested.

Him being honest and saying he doesn't know. Which I do believe cause I honestly am not 100% sure myself...as in do I want something long term....I just know he makes me smile and tingle...he makes me happy. When I am with him that is...not the moments following.

I said now what? And he said I am not sure...then he said I think we need to meet and see how we feel face to face. I felt like screaming...well yea...what do you think I have been trying to say. Who knows what that means...and so I said OK. And he said when he can he will...just isn't sure when he will have a day off or time off to see me. Which I do believe...he does have 2 jobs and is working close to 80 hour weeks. SO I left it in his shoes...I hope we see each other again. I hope he holds up to the bargain but I guess I cant get my hopes up to high...cause maybe we will meet and maybe we won't. If we do he might decide he doesn't like me enough to WANT to see me more...even though I sometimes don't want to admit the bad as well. Maybe he will...

Maybe I will and maybe I won't...maybe he won't...maybe he will

As simple as that

2007-11-16T00:22:00.000-05:00

so I'm thinking that this thing with Mr BeBe isn't going to happen. He just isn't into me...I think a part of him must be...but the part i need isn't. He is just to busy...maybe its the holidays and working 80 hours or maybe he just isn't making me important enough to find time. I have been through this with other guys...the excuses start and at first I tolerate them...but only for so long. I mean...come on...

So I'm not going to say never...but for now...its a no...

I got this email from OKCupid:

Hi,

I'm a married guy in an unusual situation.

My wife has some health issues that have changed the nature of our marriage. With her encouragement and permission, I'm now looking for someone who is open to having some great conversations and developing a friendship or even more to enjoy some of the sensuality and erotic pleasure that has been missing for quite some time.

This brief note does not provide much detail and at best overly simplifies things..

If you are interested and respond I will gladly answer any questions that you have.

I can be reached on here or at xxxx@yahoo.com

I look forward to hearing from you,

Mike

Wow...that had to be one of the oddest...interesting I must say.

I have been talking to another guy from Yahoo personals and we are going to meet this weekend. He seems nice...I am not sure I am attracted to him the way I was with Mr BeBe or Anchorman...but I might be once I meet him. That's the thing I am just never sure because some people you have chemistry with and some you don't. As simple as that.

Back on...

2007-11-07T21:46:00.000-05:00

Well I am back...ha...been a long month...

I am seeing Mr BeBe again...

We have been talking...we never ended really...so one night I asked: so why did u say u didn't want to see me anymore because u couldn't have any relationship? we only saw each other twice....did i give the impression i wanted really serious?

With him responding: hmm,when we met my personal life got ruff. I just had a lot of stuff going on. I was honest to you and told you that I cant have any relationship right now at all.

I told him I knew he was being honest...

With him then saying: My head was filed with other stuff, everything is in the past right now. actually I had fun with you and I love talk with you and I was thinking to go out with you.

I got confused by this...but since he is foreign it came off a little odd...but he was asking me out...so we went out last Friday night...

No laughing for me this time...it was so nice...he was nice...I just have such fun with him. We laugh and just talk about everything. I am never nervous with him...except when he put his arm around my waste at the bar while talking to my ear...man my heart would race and all I wanted him to do was hold on and never let go.

I am in trouble...I like him...but am trying to be calmer this time around...

I hope so...I need to just let me be me and him be him. I asked him to hang out tonight and he said sure on Monday and then last night himed and huhhed about being tired. I know he hasn't been feeling good...he had come down with a cold...and I do know what its like to have 2 jobs and just be so tired...that you cant think...so I told him this in a text this morning...he texted back saying that he just couldn't tonight...but next time. We texted back and forth all day off and on...

I am just going to let it ride...hopefully I'll hear from him...I'll wait for him next time...

I have also decided that I cant talk about this as much as I have in the past because when I do it just gets worse. I haven't blogged about this because I was afraid I would Jinx it...but I thought I would give an update...

I just hope things work out and I am trying to have a positive outlook on this.

She is gone :(

2007-10-09T01:56:00.001-05:00

I thought I would let everyone know that my step mom did pass away...she passed tonight/this morning? at about 1:30 AM...

I am ok ...getting by...same as my dad. I am really glad I was here tonight to be with him ...otherwise the 20 minute ride to Hospice and back would have been a lot worse for him. I am just happy to see her finally at peace and not in anymore pain. Now will be the time to grieve I am sure. BUT, I wanted to give you an update.

Update

2007-10-06T21:25:00.000-05:00

I am in Atlanta....visiting my dad and being here for support. Support for my dad...even though I know he will need it as much after as this...but I am here now...not then.

My step mom is in Hospice...dying. We are watching and actually hoping time is up and god will take her. I am sad that she is sitting there waiting to die. I wonder what is going through her mind...is she thinking about the life she had...regrets or just the good things...I wonder as I watch her hands go in the air...is she saying "wait I am not ready yet" or is she thinking of something of her past that made her throw up her hands...maybe she is thinking of something funny and idiotic that she did then that she wouldn't do today.

She hasn't had food in 12 days...water in 11...and I am not sure how long before the 12 days that she had had her last good meal. So you can imagine what she looks like lying there with no hair...and no water or food in her body. I look at her and wonder why did she worry all those years about another snickers bar...or one more slice of pizza. I remember her crying because her son had said she was getting fat living the Vermont life. BUT, looking at her like this...who the F caress...if she knew then what she knows now would she have cared?

I need to diet to be healthy yes..and so did she...but not to the point of not enjoying life. Same goes for other things in life...I don't want to get to her point...and god it could be in 4 month...since it has only been 4 with her...but I don't want to be at that point and be lying there with regrets of what i should have done. I need to live for me and no one else. I need to make sure I love me more then anyone else...because it is my life...

We will see

2007-09-26T11:57:00.000-05:00

Life is interesting....

Here I am freaking about a guy...and my step mom is getting worse. I thought she was doing better....she was doing better...or so we thought.

On Saturday my dad called with news that she was put in the hospital. I had a wedding to go to so I couldn't exactly deal with it then...and to be honest I needed a distraction. My dad informed me to stay here and wait until my scheduled time to go...which is a week from today actually. SO...I decided they could all use me more then then right now...I would be going more for my peace of mind then anyone Else's.

She is conscious again....but cant talk...is smiling and aware of people...not sure if she is actually comprehending things.

Its sad...and I am not sure how to deal with it all...I'm scared to go down there next week...it is going to be so hard. The last trip she had aged 10 years in 6 weeks...and this trip I bet she has aged another 20...she has lost weight from the sounds of it...I am also worried about my dad. I dont know what to say to him to make him feel better. I know there is nothing I can do but be there and be supportive...its just I wish I could take away his pain. I wish he didn't have to go through this....well no one for that matter. I hate seeing people in pain...especially someone I love.

I have been talking to Mr BeBe still, even some texts here and there...with one from him at 12:30 in the morning on Saturdays. I get mixed signals from him...but I guess I am at the point of really and truly moving on. I need someone who wants to be with me...and like me...even as a friend. I also need friends right now that can be supportive and understand or at least listen to what I am going through. Me being me...I feel guilty telling people my pain...I don't want to depress them...so I keep it bottled up. As a friend said last night...its me who is sad and going through this...not the people I talk to...they feel bad and are hear to listen, but me talking about it isn't going to make them depressed. SOO...I need friends and people in my life who can be there for me...when I need it.

I do believe F@ck EM'...if you don't like me for what I say...screw it...If you don't like the way I smile...then find someone else to make laugh...If you don't like me...move on...

So as for Mr BeBe I am moving on...if he wants to be my friend...he needs to make the effort to hang out...not say "We will see"

As for the "We will see" in my real like....well life is to short as I am realizing intimately at the moment...so I want to be seen...and not be a "we will see"

I am sorry

2007-09-18T21:17:00.000-05:00

I feel bad that people think I dont like feedback and advice...I really really do...I just am trying to tell everyone that reads this...that I am working on trying to figure things out. YES...as someone has said...I know I need to take action...and I just want you all to know I have been. I have been trying...but I am just not sure what action to take to make me STOP over thinking and STOP the feelings I get when someone tells me that my teeth are to small or say or do something that hurts my feelings. I have been going to therapy...and I wish to god I knew how to stop my thoughts from over analyzing and worrying about why he broke it off rather then move on. I do move on but I also do know I worry about why...and what did I do. I worry about what people think of me...what I said...how I said it...how I sounded and that the words were like...this is stuff I KNOW I need to turn off...and I have been 50% of the time...its more how do I do that when I am trying to sleep...or when I am driving through a stop sign...I jsut am not sure how to turn it off...mental pictures only work so much...cause it seeps in again.

I also know I throw pity or what not around and the way I must sound...but allot of times I write when I am frustrated or upset and you are hearing the flood from within...and when I am happy and excited...I dont write about those moments. Anyway...I hope you all know that I do like feedback and advice...its more that I wanted you to also know this is hard on me and something I have been taking action on...and need allot of help to get me to where I need to be...and I love this blog...because it gets so much of the thoughts out in the open...and yes I like the advice people have to offer...I just wanted you all to know.

Thanks again...and I am sorry if you took it the wrong way.

Thanks..I do appreciate it

2007-09-18T08:47:00.000-05:00

I get responses from people which I LOVE....don't get me wrong...but sometimes people say things that I have never said I didn't need help with. for example:

"I said that you'd blame your lack of confidence/over thinking stuff, as the reason for why this might not work out, and why the guy might not have been into you. Take responsibility for your actions." I have said this yes....but its true...is it not...this is my insecurities and I have said this over and over again that I need to work on this...and have been...this is something I can't close my eyes...take a pill...and change...Damn I have working on this for 29 years...and in the last year and a half I have come a LONG ways...

As for "his didn't 'just happen' you made it happen. You decided to date, you decided to go out with someone, you decided to get wrapped up in the whole thing.Like you said, you're dating to boost your self confidence." I didn't want someone for those reasons alone...I want someone I can have fun with and laugh with...I want someone who I have confidence that this is someone I KNOW wants me enough to stick around and I can be me...i want to have fun and go on day trips with someone...I want to call someone at the last minute and say come over and just hold me. Is that just my "self confidence?"

"Start liking you first lay off the dating for a while, and learn to like you." Isn't this what I said last Post?? And haven't I said this numerous times in the last few months...trust me...I like me much more then I did last year at this time...but I cant change it over night as I said...this is something I am working...something I am trying to figure out...

As I said I appreciate peoples feedback...its just hard sometimes to get things that I feel like I am working on and am trying to figure out. I KNOW THIS STUFF....I just don't know how to do it...if I did don't you think I would be an amazing person by now...since I am 29....I mean this is something I have dealt with since I was 8 years old...I have issues with being accepted and feeling as if someone needs to like me...I know this and am trying to fight the habit.

I don't need to explain myself anymore...cause I am doing what I am trying to break...please people that read this thing...just know this is something I know and I do appreciate feedback...but understand even though I get comments...its something I am working on figuring out...and if I knew how...as I said I wouldn't be having these issues.

Mr BeBe is...

2007-09-17T21:13:00.000-05:00

Well he IMed me tonight...ending things.

I'm sorry for not responding to your messages. I don’t think that I can have any relationships right now. I don’t want to play any games. I'm sorry. And thank you for your time.

So I said OK...what else can I say...but then asked if we could be friends. At the end of the day that's what I wanted...I mean it might be hard...but I am not sure what else...I liked him as a friend...I liked hanging out with him and talking...and laughing...it was fun...I mean I can get over the physical connection...the only thing will be other girls...but until I have to deal with that...so be it.

I also asked: "can u tell me why though? as a friend?"

And got this in response:

"the problem is on my side
and is kinda personal ... I'm sorry"

It was nice to know...once and for all...and I have become friends with Mr Match who I wouldn't want to trade in...even though I wish things could be different...with both...

Anyway...I have my answer...and I am glad...cause now I can move on...I am not sure I want to date right now...I need friends more then anything...and I do need to figure out how to get rid of the insecurities. I just need to know how.

I have lost 35 pounds officially tonight...I was excited about that...since moving here last March...so its not 50 or 100 but someday it will be. I was excited...10 pounds just from the summer...so maybe I need to do more exercising...

As I said...I am sad...but now I can move on...not sure what end I will end up at...but somewhere out there I will be OK...

hope to

2007-09-16T21:06:00.000-05:00

Yea...we will see what happens. I am not contacting again...he needs to make the move to say he wants me...I think we could have fun. I liked him and he made me laugh...I hope that maybe I will still hear from him...

5 times

2007-09-16T00:01:00.001-05:00

What is the time to wait for someone after a second date? I know he is busy...cause he has two jobs...as do I...so both are busy...I asked if he was having fun Thursday night...and his response to work was "busy." I didn't contact him friday...and did text today just saying hi and do u work tomorrow. He texted back...saying he was at friends in NH...and that yes he had to work tomorrow. I then texted back: "was gonna see if u wanted 2 get a drink or something tomorrow night...or another time if u have to work late :)" That was this afternoon and I havent heard back.

He said he didn't want games...so I just thought I would see...now me being me...I worry that maybe I shouldn't...maybe I am crowding him...but its not like I texted him 20 times in 2 days...right? or am I nuts all together. BUT...if he doesn't respond what does that mean? Does that mean he isn't interested? Im torn...one part of me says...hmmm I did leave it open ended and I guess...saying another time if you have to work late...I guess maybe he has to work late.

I bought the book "he is just not that into you", it totally makes sense and it made me feel better about everything...if he isnt into me the so be it...Ill move on. In the book it says if he is really into me will call...OK....sooooo does him not calling/texting back a response mean he isnt?

I know I am analyzing this to death...I just dont want to do something that could be voided...I can move on if he isnt interested...Ill feel rejected sure...but Ill move on as always.

I am confused...I think I might be better alone. Its funny because I want someone...I am lonely and it would be nice to see his or a smile that is just for me across a room of friends...I just want someone to hold my hand...but then I go through this...and crying after the second date? I KNOW its my insecurities...its not him...but how can I up this once and for all so I can have fun instead of freaking.

I just think that I have been burned so many times after the second date that I am freaking out...

1 • Dr Jekyl was playing games right after the first date...and finally after the second I knew this wasn't going to work.

2 • The Turkey...it was technically the second date where I freaked on him and started laughing...and couldn't even kiss him...and he freaked (deja vu from the other night?)

3 • Anchorman...he freaked after the second as well....and ended things...which made me think I should have just ended it then and there...why did I fight for a third? Maybe...if things r like this with Al...maybe its better now then later...right? Doesn't feel like that at the moment though...

4 • Mr Festive...we met and then hung out the second time...and I lost touch with him after that...I had such fun with him too...I miss hearing from him...

5 • Mr Match...he ended things after the second as well. Him saying at the end...“I had a really great time tonight, but I just don’t see this going anywhere.” I mean we are still friends...but nothing more then that.

So see these 5...I felt something for at one time or another...and out of all the dates...these 5 hit something that none of the others did. AND all ended it after the second.

So as I said...I am not sure when I should feel like maybe this isn't making sense...and as Greg says in "he just isn't that into you." he will let you know if he is interested...I am not sure...when I will know. And how much of all this is me being paranoid and how much of is it my intuition telling me something...something real.

IF IF IF...I am being right on this...god I hope its only a thought and not real...I guess if me laughing...I feel like that is what did it...it made me look like a dork...someone who isn't confident as well know is true...but maybe that turned him off...I don't know...or maybe the whole date didn't go as I wanted it to. He did smile at me allot and he did lean in close from time to time...but he also had his hands across his chest through most of the movie...see I am not sure what is real and what isn't. I am not being down to get sympathy here...its just 1. my insecurities showing. 2. my past not leaving me alone. 3. I have no way of knowing when to give in and give up.

I know I need some therapy...cause damn it...I might even sabotage this because I am so insecure...which right now I feel like I am doing...

Excerpt from 'He's Just Not That Into You' (thanks USA.com)

2007-09-15T23:58:00.000-05:00

Excerpt from 'He's Just Not That Into You'
By Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo
Chapter One: he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out

Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out

Many women have said to me, "Greg, men run the world." Wow. That makes us sound pretty capable. So tell me, why would you think we could be incapable of something as simple as picking up the phone and asking you out? You seem to think at times that we're "too shy" or we "just got out of something." Let me remind you: Men find it very satisfying to get what they want. (Particularly after a difficult day of running the world.) If we want you, we will find you. If you don't think you gave him enough time to notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half.

Now you begin the life-changing experience of reading our book. We have put the stories we have heard and questions we've been asked in a simple question-and-answer format. If you're lucky, you'll read the following questions and know what they are: Excuses that women have made for their unsatisfying situations. If you're not so lucky, we've also included handy titles to clue you in.

The "Maybe He Doesn't Want to Ruin the Friendship" Excuse

Dear Greg,

I'm so disappointed. I have this friend that I've known platonically for about ten years. He lives in a different city and recently he was in town for work, so we met for dinner. All of a sudden it felt like we were on a date. He was completely flirting with me. He even said to me, as he was checking me out, "So, what, you're working the whole 'model thing' now?" (That's flirting, right?) We both agreed that we should get together again soon. Well, Greg, I'm disappointed because it's been two weeks and he hasn't called me. Can I call him? He might be nervous about turning the friendship into romance. Can't I give him a nudge now? Isn't that what friends are for?

Jodi

Dear Friendly Girl,

Two weeks is two weeks, except when it's ten years and two weeks. That's how long ago he decided whether or not he could date a model or a girl who looks like one. Can you be a pal and give him a nudge? Nudge away, friendster — but watch how fast that nudge doesn't get a return phone call. And if your dinner/date did feel different to him, it's been two weeks and he's had time to think about it and decide he's just not that into you. Here's the truth: Guys don't mind messing up a friendship if it could lead to sex, whether it be a "(expletive) buddy" situation or a meaningful romance. Go find someone that lives in your zip code who will be rocked to the core by your deep conversation and model looks.

I hate to tell you, but that whole "I don't want to ruin the friendship" excuse is a racket. It works so well because it seems so wise. Sex could mess up a friendship. Unfortunately, in the entire history of mankind, that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it. If we're really excited about someone, we can't stop ourselves — we want more. If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further. And please, don't tell me he's just "scared." The only thing he's scared of — and I say this with a lot of love — is how not attracted to you he is.

The "Maybe He's Intimidated by Me" Excuse

Dear Greg,

I have a crush on my gardener. He's been potting the plants on my patio. It was hot, I saw him without his shirt on, he was hot, and now I'm hot for him. I brought out some beers and we talked. I think he wants to ask me out but is afraid, because he is my hired man. In this situation, can't I ask him out?

Cherie

Dear My Secret Garden,

He's capable of asking you out. Haven't you ever seen a porno? Hope he gets there before the pizza guy. But seriously, if he didn't pick up the vibe after the beer garden, it has nothing to do with you being his big boss lady. Time to stop and smell the bad news: He's just not that into you.

Let me say it again, sexual harassment rules and workplace memos notwithstanding, a guy will ask out a woman of higher status if he's into her. He might need a little more encouragement than normal, I'll give you that. You might have to lead Johnny the Office Boy or Phillipe the Exterminator to water, but you better not help him ask you out. Once again, ladies, a wink and a smile will do it.

By the way, why are you dating the exterminator?

Just kidding, he's a good guy.

The "Maybe He Wants to Take It Slow" Excuse

Dear Greg,

There's this guy who calls me all the time. He's recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, had lots of phone calls, and then hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun. Since then, he calls me all the time but doesn't ever suggest we see each other in person again. It's like he got scared or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks. What the hell should I do with this guy?

Jen

Dear Pillow Talk,

Sadly, not wanting to see you in person is massive as far as dating obstacles go. And as far as the recently divorced/newly sober/starting-a-new-life parts, blah blah blah, I'm getting sleepy, it's hot, I'm going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I'll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking control of his life. You, however, will still not be going on a date, because despite all your excuses for him, he's still not asking you out. Now, if you're a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like he's just not that into you. Be his friend if you're at all interested on that level, but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing, because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.

The "But He Gave Me His Number" Excuse

Dear Greg,

I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought that was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right?

Lauren

Dear Control Freak,

Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you — or even return your call. Why don't you take Copperfield's number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.

"Give me a call." "E-mail me." "Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime." Don't let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.

The "Maybe He Forgot to Remember Me" Excuse

Dear Greg,

Okay, Greg. Listen to this one: I was at a conference for work and met a guy from another branch of my company. We hit it off immediately. He was just about to ask for my number, I swear, when the Big Blackout of 2003 happened. In the mayhem, I didn't get to give him my number. I think the Big Blackout of 2003 is a good enough excuse to call him, don't you think? It's only common courtesy for me to check up on him, right? If I don't call, he's probably going to be all sad thinking that I'm just not that into him.

Judy

Dear Judy Blackout,

The city blacked out. He didn't. You said you work for different branches of the same company. Certainly he wouldn't have to break a sweat to scroll through the company staff roster or interoffice e-mail listing to find you. And should he not be as resourceful as you are...I imagine that he has a mother, sister, or female friend that could show him how, if he was really interested.

P.S.: Shame on you for using an eastern seaboard disaster as an excuse to call a guy up.

Have faith. You made an impression. Leave it at that. If he likes you, he'll still remember you after the tsunami, flood, or Red Sox loss. If he doesn't, he's not worth your time. Know why? You are great. (Now, don't get cocky.)

The "Maybe I Don't Want to Play Games" Excuse

Dear Greg,

This is dumb. I know you're not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don't care! I don't want to play games. I do whatever I want! I've called guys tons of times. You're such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can't call guys and ask them out?

Nikki

Dear Nikki,

Because we don't like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they're just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It's that simple. I didn't make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don't be mad at me, Nikki. I'm not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature.

Or maybe you're the chosen one.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it.) We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children — sometimes all at the same time. That, however, doesn't make men different.

IT'S SO SIMPLE

Imagine right now that I'm leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I'm on my knees pleading with you. I'm saying this in a loud voice: "Please, if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you'd like us to be." I know it's an infuriating concept — that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he's just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you're one of the nine, ladies!) I can't say it loud enough: You, the superfox reading this book, are worth asking out.

HERE'S WHY THIS ONE IS HARD, by Liz

Well, it's obvious. Are you telling us that we have to just sit around and wait? I don't know about you, but I find that infuriating. I was brought up to believe that hard work and good planning are the keys to making your dreams come true. I spent my life making things happen for myself. I worked hard for my career, and was quite aggressive about it. I called people, made appointments, asked for favors. I took action. But now Greg is telling us that in this situation, we are supposed to do absolutely nothing. The guys get to pick. We're just supposed to put on our little dresses and do our hair and bat our eyes and hope they choose us. Why don't you just tie my corset too tight so I can faint in front of some man who'll scoop me out of the way just before the horse-drawn carriage runs over me? That'll get his attention.

Really, in this day and age, the hardest thing to do for many women, particularly me, is nothing. We like to scheme, make phone calls, have a plan. And I'm talking about more than just making sure our hair doesn't frizz. Most women who date, I would guess, don't have men throwing themselves at them every night of the week. Sometimes there's a long stretch during which nobody's asking us out. So when we see a guy that we feel might be a romantic possibility, it's even harder for us to take a backseat. That opportunity might not come back again for a long time.

But guess what: My way? Has sucked. Hasn't worked at all. I've never had a successful relationship with a guy that I've pursued. I'm sure there are many stories out there to the contrary. But for me, those guys end up getting back together with their ex-girlfriend, needing to take some time for themselves, or going out of town for business. Usually it doesn't even get that far. They usually just don't ever return my phone call. And let me tell you, that didn't make me feel very in control of anything.

Since I've been implementing Greg's handy-dandy "he's just not that into you" philosophy, I've been feeling surprisingly more powerful. Because if the men are asking you out, if the men have to get your attention, then you, in fact, are the one in control. There's no scheming and plotting. And there is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around for some guy to ask me out. And most importantly, it's good for us all to remember that we don't need to scheme and plot and beg to get someone to ask us out. We're fantastic.

THIS IS WHAT IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE, by Greg

One night I was drinking in a bar and flirting with the bartender. I asked for her number. She said, "I don't give out my phone number because guys rarely call me when they say they're going to. My name is Lindsey Adams, and if you want to call me, find my phone number." Which I did — the very next day. Do you know how many Lindsey Adams there are in the phone book of a major city? Let's just say I talked to about eight or nine before I found mine.

An actor we work with met a girl while he was making a public appearance on an aircraft carrier. He lost track of her in about ten minutes. And yet, because he was so smitten, he somehow managed to track her down in the army, and they are now married.

GREG, I GET IT! By Leslie, age 29

Greg! I get it. I went to this party and I met this guy. We started talking immediately by ourselves, off in a corner. He asked if I was single and seemed pleased when I said I was. Whenever we split up to talk to other people, or to get drinks or whatever, he always kept his eye on me. It was really cool. I was all excited and fluttery with that "Oh my God, I think I just met someone!" feeling. He didn't ask for my number, but we know lots of people in common, so I thought he was just playing it cool. He never called me! And you know what? Normally I would call our mutual friends and start fishing and trying to figure out what happened and maybe try to find another way to see him again. But instead, I'm just going to move on! Who cares what his deal is. He's not asking me out, so why should I start obsessing over him? I'm just going to go out tonight and try to meet someone else.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE GREG

We did an incredibly unscientific poll where we polled twenty of our male friends (ranging from ages twenty-six to forty-five), who are in serious long-term relationships. Not one of their relationships started with the woman asking them out first. One guy even said that if she had, "It would have spoiled all the fun."

What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter

• An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of "ruining the friendship."

• Don't get tricked into asking him out. If he likes you, he'll do the asking.

• If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

• Just because you like to lead doesn't mean he wants to dance. Some traditions are born of nature and last through time for a reason.

• "Hey, let's meet at so-and-so's party/any bar/friend's house" is not a date. Even if you live in New York.

• Men don't forget how much they like you. So put down the phone.

• You are good enough to be asked out.

Our Super-Good Really Helpful Workbook

Hey, what's a self-help tome without a workbook? Our chapters will all be so brave and wise that we want to make sure you retain as much of the brilliance as you can. So for all of you who feel the need to get out of your problems and into your crayon box, have at it.

Love,

Greg and Liz

Remember in grade school how they told you not to write in your textbooks? Screw that! Grab a pen and list five reasons why you think you have every right or good reason to call him.

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Put the book aside and wait an hour. Or at least ten minutes. Then ask yourself: Do I seem pathetic? Do I sound like someone who doesn't trust my own innate hotness? Yes,you do! Now put your dialing finger away, get out of the house, and go find some fun.

P.S.: You just did a workbook exercise about a guy who hasn't even extended to you the energy of a phone call. Why would you want to chase that down?

Text copyright © 2004 by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Deja Vu

2007-09-12T22:17:00.000-05:00

I had the date...we ended up changing plans...but he picked me up at work...and we drove a bit...stopped for food...even at a place that brought Anchorman memories...we tried to see a movie but all were to late...so we decided to go to another. I actually did offer my house to watch a movie...knowing he had drove a bit already...but he said no...the plan was to see a movie. So me being me...I am hoping to god it was a good thing he said that...that he is a real guy...a gentleman who did just want to see a movie...and not because he didn't want to be in my apartment.

We saw a movie...and wanted to touch his hand the whole night but I am wimp and don't know how to make the first move...

Then came when he dropped me off at home...we sat in the car...it was awkward...and I laughed cause I was nervous. Why cant I be this great person who doesn't freak over a first kiss? Why cant it be natural? Instead...I freak...we drove around a bit more after a hug and an awkward silence...maybe he didn't want to say goodnight after all...we then reworked our way to exactly the same spot...dejavu. I was nervous still and laughed again. I was honest with him though...and its odd cause I do feel like myself when I am with him. I am very comfortable and have even told him things that i usually don't tell someone I have known for such a small amount of time...for example me telling him on the spin around the block that I wanted to make the first move and was/am to nervous to do it. I just said it...I said I am not sure it will reciprocated...and he didn't know what to say...which means its a good thing or a bad one...and I didn't know how else to describe it.

As I said...when we arrived back to the same spot...he finally kissed me...it was nice...awkward because I was so nervous...was he? But it was nice...just different. I laughed again and got the...why laugh? I am nervous...as I grabbed his hand...why nervous he says? I don't know I just am...finally I stepped out of the car...I was excited but also scared...

I walked into my place worrying I scared him off...when I went on the date with the turkey...I did the same thing...and he freaked about that and broke it off the next day...

We just talked...only 30 min after...and I said I was sorry that I get nervous and that I had fun. He said everything is OK twice...and said I had fun tonight too...did he? Did he really? I am just nervous...and yes scared...I guess I am just never sure how to act. How to be excited rather then scared...maybe it is just all rolled up into one big ball...but its there and its real...

I guess only time will tel...will we or wont we have a third? I want to hope and say sure there will be...he wouldn't have kissed me and said he had fun and that everything is OK if he wasn't interested...but then what if he comes to his senses and wonders...what is this girl?? I am cant deal...or something or other...

We shall see...we shall see.

Mr BeBe

2007-09-10T21:19:00.000-05:00

So I had a date on Friday night...and have been nervous to write about it here...I am afraid he will find it or find out about it...I am afraid I will jinx it...I am afraid of the comments that will make me doubt things that I feel or don't.

He was great...much cuter then his pics that I had seen on myspace. He had an accent to die for...and we have allot of things in common...he was sweet...and nice...normal...lived with roommates no mom and dad...just all around a nice guy...and was a gentleman from 7:15 until he dropped me off at my car at 1:15. I got a hug and we said our goodbyes. I liked him...allot.

I was so nervous on Saturday...what if he wants to be just friends...what if I like him like some in my past and he doesn't feel the same way and tells me he wants to be "just friends" You know me by now...I worry. I think sometimes I do sabotage myself because I get scared...and honestly that is something I can deal with and understand....its almost easier for me to be alone...cause I know what the feels like...I know how to handle it. BUT to get my heart broken even if it is something that was just a flicker...I get scared...what is better...the heart break that may never be...or the amazing possibilities that could.

I did get a text though...and then we texted on Sunday as well...along with some IMs that made me think he might be interested in more then friendship...but still keeping him in the gentleman corner.

We are going out on Wed...to a movie...since he asked "so when are we going to meet again." I got giddy and smiled to myself...I said, "you tell me..."

SO wed it is...as I always say...we shall see....

:) :)

Ok Cupid

2007-09-05T20:40:00.000-05:00

So I joined OK Cupid a few months ago. I don't get many responses...and I am trying NOT to take this personally...I mean allot of people look at my profile...but I don't get many hits... I did get one email though...not sure what in hell he is saying: but here ya go:

and he left this comment for me:

Life as we know it...

2007-08-30T21:10:00.001-05:00

Well I had my birthday...I survived...with a some battle scars and all. It was a pretty good one...minus being one year older...and one year closer to something greater and better...hopefully.

I was sad and down...though...it was the worst feeling I have had yet...I thought 27 was bad...but 29 beat that hands down. I had a friend tell me that I do this every year...and hell maybe I do...I mean after 21 u look forward to what? reaching old age? I mean after 21 you really looking forward to moments in time rather then birth-dates and years.

You look forward to graduations...and weddings...first kisses and babies...

Its always about something...and I guess I need another something. My brother is getting married in June...so do I look forward to that or dread it...maybe a little bit of both? I am so happy for him...and I love his fiancé...she is the sister I never had...minus my cousin. BUT...he is 3 years younger and so much more ahead of me. In some ways I suppose I am def. still his big sister...but still.

I think about all these things...and the things I want and cant have. The things Im not sure I do want but just tell myself I do. But, I do want life...and to be healthy and keep my mom close to me for ever. BUT then, I get the dreaded email:

MY step mom's tumor in her lungs have grown...and she has a new one in her liver...

So back to reality...but what is that really? Do I take what she is going through as a slap in the face...eliminate all the people who are harmful to me...cause I do have a few...that hurt and bruise more then make me happy. Do I say goodbye once and for all...and live my life to the fullest...

OR does it make me think about life and what it has to offer...cause what do I have to offer? I have some good friends...but some days Im soooo lonely. My mom got me a cat for my birthday...its nice to have her here...waiting for me. BUT...who/what else. I kind of dread the weekends lately...cause what am I going to do? Who will I call? Maybe that summer is kind of over...things will slow down and more people will have time for more gatherings...and football will surely help. I am sad about a room-ate that I thought was a friend who I weekly fight with and who I dread seeing his shake of his head. I just want more from my life...I guess I just need to figure out what that is. I realized that I may be more tired when I worked weekends at Lane Bryant...but I did feel better about myself. I feel like Im pretty and appreciated...I forget what Anchorman said to me...and the shakes of the heads...and the pity from some eyes. I forget that some/most guys wont look twice at me let alone once. I realize I am pretty great...and once again go back to eliminating the evil in my life...the toxic...or is it me? Maybe I just need to learn to deal with people better. Maybe the more I can deal better and brush off what people say...maybe then I can accept who I am.

I am starting to confuse myself...I just know that after my birthday and after Mary...that maybe I need to do something better for my life...say goodbye to the doormat and say hello...say hello to who I really am.

I need to date guys who I like as much as they like me. I like guys most of the time...most of the time meet them for the famous first date...more because they asked...did/do I really want to? Or do I want the attention...so I am def. more selective these days...or am I?

21 not 29

2007-08-23T21:20:00.001-05:00

My birthday is coming up...and I was doing great...and felt like normal when a birthday is right around the corner...until last night...and bam it hit me....this is really my last birthday in my 20's. I am trying to talk myself out of feeling old...

I think about where my mom was when she was my age...or my cousin...or some of my friends...and wonder if I am missing out. Missing something...what if I turn my head and miss something to my right?

Last birthday, well tomorrow to the day...I went home from work and went to the movies with one guy and then for drinks with the Turkey. He kissed me and wanted to hang out. I have come a long long ways from one year ago. I was soooo nervous sitting there with him...makes me smile...I couldn't believe he was sitting there with me. I wonder what I would do today? Probably the same thing...but a little less nervous...hopefully.

I have had allot of firsts in this last year...allot of learning and figuring out. I was stumbling like a 16 year old and now Ive hit 21...not 29.

Allot of other things as well...me getting a new job...a friend falling in and out of love...7 engagements...new friends...and old ones I never kept in touch with...all the tears...and smiles...nerves...and confusion. My friends mom passed a year ago tomorrow...which makes me so sad...to think about that...and then to think about My step mom...and what this year has brought to her life. She is doing great right now...with the radiation and chemo...she is almost her self again...minus all the gray hair. BUT will she see me reach 30? God I hope so.SO see...I think about all the negatives and what I don't have in my life...but then I think about her...and my friend who's mom passed...or someone who is 29 who is sick themselves...or who is 29 and trapped in a marriage and a life that cant be turned around.

So...I don't have it to bad...I have lost 30 pounds since moving here...20 since last Dr appointment...I have had all those firsts that last year I was missing out on. I have my friends and family...and my health...which is all much healthier then it was a year ago. So see...maybe what people say about after 30 is right...it will all just fall into place...please tell me its true. Only one more year to go...

Lets see what this next year of mine will bring.